:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:
Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.
A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.
Now without further, adieu.
Woes in Nerima chapter 10:
The Tendo house patriarch Soun was confused. So confused he couldn't shed even the slightest tear, that's how confused he was. Really he seemed to be confused quite a lot lately. But now is seems that his soon-to-be son-in-law, was now not only accepting of the engagement which until now he had adamantly vowed against, but was looking forward to a marriage soon as well? But, now his son-in-law was going to be his daughter in law, while his tomboy daughter was going to be groom? Not only that, but his daughter turned son, has already had relations with his son-in-law turned daughter-in-law as well, which means that 'her' honour would be all-but ruined should they not wed?
Soun was momentarily roused from his musings by an "Oh My!" from his dear sweet normal daughter Kasumi to see his daughter turned son pass out into his, now make that her hot soup. Oh good, deer sweet normal Kasumi is fishing her out of the soup before she can drown, how considerate, and normal of her.
But now what to do about this wedding idea? He and his best friend Genma have worked and pushed their two children together for so long now, that surely this is a god-send right? And Ranma is the one who brought it up!
But, what of Akane's reaction? She's grown quite comfortable in her/his male body, maybe a little too comfortable even. But will he be really willing to marry Ranma-chan and not Ranma-kun? Akane always has had a bit of a temper after all, maybe 'he' won't take to kindly to the thought, labeling it as 'perverted'.
Of course there is that strong possibility that Akane hasn't accepted the engagement as openly as Ranma and might even turn down the idea of a wedding altogether. Foolish boy! 'Where have I heard that before? Hmm.'
But what would that do to Ranma? The boy, err girl… whatever has seemed a bit off today. What with her conservative proper feminine speech, formal blue kimono and a silk wrapped a katana by her side. Conclussion in Soun's mind? 'Dear sweet merciful maker the Saotome womens genes have caught up to Ranma and have melted her brain to mush!'
Alright so the Saotome family quirks are coming to full bloom in Ranma, no big deal right? So she's an extremely high powered martial artist who not long ago was in a duel that blew up a mountain? So what if she's maybe a little eccentric and maybe a little eager for a quick, but proper wedding? How bad could she react to Akane's rejection of the idea? Honestly, Ranma-chan's "woman scorned" couldn't be too bad, could it?
The sound of 'Akane no Baka!' from Ranma's lips, followed by the image of a 'mushroom cloud' ascending over a purple skied and incinerated Nerima briefly flitters through Souns mind.
That does it, NOW Soun 'fountain-sama' Tendo can weep blessed tears as he realizes that he needs to get some sake and get totally plastered, and NOW!
Ukyo couldn't be happier! Here she was with prime of her life, her own restaurant her 'waitresses' were no longer going to hound her as a love interest, and she's gotten a pretty good consolation prize hulk of a man. Sure he's got that directional problemme and that Jusenkyo turn-into-a-pig trip going on. But still he's got great points going for him… like… like… that rock hard ass of steel of his!
"I wonder when he'll propose? Naw, Ryoga's too shy, I'll have to propose for him to propose I guess…' She thought to herself somewhat amused.
"And maybe after the wedding I'll be able to open a shop in Juuban where they talk about that two-long-pony-tailed blond ditz of a girl that can eat her own weight in food, oh happy day!" she thought with absolute glee.
As she hears an order for a shrimp special she realizes that the shrimp she needs is still in the back room freezer and she can't get away from the grill to get it so she calls out in a sing-song voice "Hey Ryo-chan can't you please get some of the shrimp from the freezer in back? Thanks sugar!"
"Uh… alright Ucchan, if only I could find my way out of the jungle…"
'jungle what jungle?' she thought to herself, and as she looked up she could just smack herself seeing Ryoga stuck in the front corner behind the decorative fichus tree.
Putting down her grill duties she walks over and takes Ryoga by the arm and says laughingly "Honestly Ryoga, you're so hopeless, here let me help ya' out a bit, 'kay?"
So leading him to the backroom, the instant they both step over the threshold of the doorway, Ukyo's stomach feels as though its doing cartwheels while in a centrifuge as her vision wavers and distorts.
Then things get weird…
And they're gone.
At that instant a certain Timelord in a blue English police call box pays homage to the patron kami of the 'Spit-take' with his Earl Grey tea, as two of the players in the game just vanished from the viewingscreen!
After several frantic minutes of adjusting the controls and 'tweaking' the settings with a… hammer? He sighs in relief and then chuckles, "Why, I'll be, if that's not the daftest thing…" he said as he took his seat again to finish his tea while watching the view in the new screen.
After several minutes of recovery, Ukyo was pretty sure she wasn't going to hurl, so she asked tentatively "Ryoga, what the hell just happened?..." then she took a look around and said "…And Where the hell are we?!"
Ryoga taking several glances in each direction from the street level business doorway they were standing under, then consulting a street map labeled 'Brisbane', he looked at Ukyo and said with all honesty "I think we're in Okinawa"
Moments passed in which she REALLY wanted to hit him, Ukyo sighed then said "Ryo-chan, I've not been to Okinawa, but I don't think they got European style grey-stone high-rises, or their street signs in English… so I don't think we're in Japan anymore."
"Heh… heh, you're probably right Ucchan…" Ryoga nervously laughed scratching behind his head, then said "But I think I've been around here before, so hey over there is a pretty good place to stop and get directions!" he said pointing over to a lower level bar.
Ukyo, just took his word for that, as the two made their way across the road, Ukyo noting the auto's all on the right side, she crossed England off of the list of places they could be just as they descended the stairs and Ryoga swung the door to the bar open. Then all the people inside the bar, which was quite a few considering is was still early afternoon turned and spoke as one "Hi Ryoga!" to which Ryoga just laughed and waved back, calling over to some guy, Norm, something or another…
Then Ukyo could only sweat-drop as her knowledge of English picked out the words to the song from the jukebox "where everybody knows your name…"
Yes, wherever this "Cheers" was, it certainly was an odd place…
Shampoo had seen may an odd sight in her short life, though most of the more unusual shit to hit the fan that she'd seen has been in sleepy little Nerima Japan. Though none of that till now made her this scared.
There was her great (by several factors) grandmother balanced on her staff cooking soup by the looks of it. Though Shampoo then had to bite down on her tongue to stifle a scream of primal fear as she caught the wizened old women (i.e. decrepit shriveled mummy) giggling softly and blushing like a school-girl. Of course the effect through a voice and face well of three centuries old would drive anyone into a similar state of mindless fear.
There was also the fact that the… chicken soup? By the looks of it was radiating an aura of absolute black evil. Of course the fact that evil chicken soup shouldn't have an aura, much less an evil one really wasn't as fear inducing as a giggling and blushing Cologne.
But no, Shampoo was a strong brave Amazon warrior so she asked somewhat shakily "W-what g-grandmother making?"
Cologne then got a far away distant look as her blush deepened as she said with a sigh "Making supper for my man! #giggle#"
As Shampoo was reaching the 'you're so scared you're about to piss your pants and run' stage she managed to squeak out "uh- What?"
Cologne then 'tsked' and said "Honestly Shampoo, you know that a way to a man's heart in through his stomach, so you give him food that best suit him! Happi is an evil not so little man #giggle# so with a little of Hitler's chicken, some Rasputin's basil and some other things… voila evil chicken soup!..."
Shampoo REALLY didn't want to know where those ingredients came from.
"… and now all I have to do is serve and he'll be mine again! And maybe he'll propose this time and we can grow ancient together!" there goes that far away distant school-girl look again.
As Shampoo slowly backs out of the kitchen of the NekoHanten in fear, all she can think of is that hopefully Mousses' ministrations could help her forget the horror she just witnessed…
Honestly, the nerve of Akane to pass out like that from her mothers proclamation. How rude!
Though it would be a bit of a shock wouldn't it? Being a fiancée one day, and then a fiancé the next, then a wedding announcement on top of that. Still though maybe this was a bit much, Ranma had how many times declared 'manliness'? Was she willing to marry Akane-kun instead of Akane-chan?
'Of course I am!'
'Because he's so manly!'
Woah, where'd that come from?
'Well you know it's true!'
'Anyway, he'd better say yes or else!' Ranma though somewhat darkly.
"Oh My! I think she's coming around!" Ranma-chan heard Kasumi say excitedly.
'Ooohh Akane's waking up! What am I going to do? Do… do… AH! Make up!' Ranma thought nervously, and proceeded to pull out a powder compact. After checking, Ranma just couldn't help but to look at her reflection and hum out loud happily, but the as she sang the lyrics in her head, she just couldn't shake an indescribable feeling... oh well.
'See the pretty girl in the mirror there?
'Who can that attractive girl be?
a pretty face
'Such a pretty dress
'Such a pretty smile
'Such a pretty me!
'I feel pretty, oh so pretty!
'So pretty, and witty and GAY!' (1)
Ranma then noticing Akane beginning to sit up, stops her little mental musical to see what Akane would have to say for herself now.
For the second time in as many days, Akane blearily returns to consciousness with a groan "Wha… what happened?" she asked weekly.
"Oh, Akane-chan, don't you remember? I simply asked you what your thoughts were about the impending marriage." Nodoka asked sweetly.
"Wedding?" Akane-chan asked weekly.
"Yeah sis, little miss hot pants over there more or less proposed to you, ah, then of course you being the klutz passed out in your soup." Nibiki interjected with a smirk.
Akane then turned around to face Ranma, a look of fear and hope crossed her eyes for a moment then she asked Ranma in a fairly meek voice blushing slightly "Ranma you really mean that? You really want to marry me?"
Ranma then looked right into Akane's eyes a resolve settling on her face and the ghost of a smile gently grazing her lips when she spoke "yeah Akane, of course I want to marry you! Yeah I know I've called you tomboy and all, but now I really want to marry, I really think we can make this work now, that is if you'll have me as your blushing bride." Ranma finished blushing and giggling nervously.
For a few moments after Ranma's proclamation, Akane was too stunned to do anything. Sure she was aware of Kasumi and Nodoka smiling brightly, Nabiki leaving the room, her father on his third beer before 8 a.m., but to her at that moment Ranma was the center undivided focus to all of her attention.
Then Ranma's words began sinking in and Akane's heartstrings leapt out in joy, then she leapt into the shorter girls arms and cried out in happiness "oh Ranma! Of course I'll marry you! Anything, anything for you just ask!"
For several moments Ranma just held Akane in her arms happily, just simply seeing this kind of happiness in Akane from her acceptance of Ranma, made Ranma's day all that much sunnier.
Then there was a polite cough from Nodoka then the two girls still each other's embrace looked up to see the Sãotomé matriarch, who was lightly dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, then she said "Oh my you two are going to make such a beautiful couple! Of course we'll have to figure out who will be the bride and who will be the groom..." Then Nodoka got a unusual glint in her eye "... which of course dears that gave me several wonderful ideas, which I'll have to call Elder Cologne about later. But for now don't you two think you should be going to school so you aren't late for classes?"
For a brief moment Ranma and Akane were unsettled deeply by the glint in Nodoka's eye, and her statement of "wonderful ideas", then her words about school settled in, then Ranma turned to face Akane, Akane turned to face Ranma they both looked at each other slapped their hands to their cheeks and groaned "SCHOOL!" together.
Then Nodoka blinked, only to see a dust trail from where Ranma and Akane had been sitting moments before heading out the room, out the door, and down the street towards Furinkan High. Kasumi the then mumbled something about "oh my how energetic!" Then busied herself back in the kitchen. Nodoka then blinked again deciding sooner was better than later walked over to the telephone, moments later the other end of the phone line was picked up, then Nodoka said into the phone "Hello Elder Cologne, I was wondering if you could perhaps inform me of what I'm told are instant curses?..."
After several minutes of brief pleasant conversation with Nodoka and Elder Cologne, and Nodoka explaining the reason for her call and unusual question, she quickly had to pull the phone away from her ear as Cologne burst into a raucous laughter.
Happosai was really enjoying this wonderful spicy chicken soup his little Ko-chan had made for him, when Cologne had answered the phone. Minutes later and just as he was draining the bowl, Cologne burst into fits of laughter and Happosai just had to feel sorry for the poor sod that will be involved in some sort of scheme that would make Cologne laugh like that…
Somewhere, Genma sneezed.
As Ranma and Akane walked through the gates of Furinkan, the two girls could hear the rumor mill working in overdrive this morning, with such things as:
"you hear that they're engaged?"
"Who do you think proposed first Ranma or Akane?"
Then there were the more perverted it rumors going about.
"I bet that Ranma got Akane pregnant!"
"No way man! Akane-kun totally knocked up Ranma-chan!"
"I wonder if they've done it guy guy?"
Though fortunately neither Ranma or Akane heard that last line, though the rest of the students scattered it in like Mosses parting the Red Sea so the students parted, revealing the speaker, one Hikaru Gosenkugi wearing candles on his head. Nobody was certain why… He just looked meekly at the parted crowd in front of him said quietly "what?".
Then someone in the crowd shouted "Get Him!", and once again Hikaru shouted to the clouds what Kami he pissed off to deserve this.
Of course up in Asgard viewing this scene, was the Kami of voodoo shaking his fist at the hollow screen protection of this scene below and shouting angrily "You Know What You Did!"
Meanwhile Ranma and Akane had long since passed all that commotion and were nearly act of the school doors, when the two girls were brought to a screeching halt by the sight facing them leaning against the doorway. As it was none other than Tatewaki Kuno, though both Ranma and Akane noticed that the Kuno was actually dressed in his school uniform with small book satchel had actually even combed his hair bringing out his bishonen good looks.
Ranma was the first to react to his presence, angrily shouting at him "what do you want Kuno?!" and hoping he wouldn't notice the blush of embarrassment coloring her cheeks from the remembered acts of the day prior.
"Hi Ranma! I just wanted to congratulate you two, on your upcoming nuptials. Is that so bad?"
Akane and Ranma blink-blinked for a moment, then Akane said "No Kuno that's all right and thank you, I didn't know word of it got into the schools so quickly."
"Well actually your elder sister Nibiki sold information to the school this morning befor you two arrived that's how we all got it." Kuno said two girls in front of him.
Of course Akane and Ranma were both thinking "Damn Nibiki! Do you have to sell all the information in our personal lives!?"
Then Ranma noticing something about Kuno spoke "Hey Kuno, you seem different today you alright?"
For a few moments to know blushed and stammered before regaining his traditional noble composure and saying "Well actually Ranma, Akane, since our little public tryst, ah, um, well it's as if a veil has been lifted off my eyes and I see for the very first time. Truly now I'm sane, and I do wish to apologize for my actions towards you two during my darkness. I hope you will forgive me." He then bowed his head.
For a minute or so of the two girls were in stunned silence front of this Kuno. Ranma was the first to break the trance asking Kuno with a blush on her cheeks "Kuno are you saying that, well that we, ah well you know..."
"Yes Ranma thanks to you I was fucked into sanity." Kuno said simply, bypassing her stammering.
Ranma then just gave him a dead glare "Well don't you know how to make a girl feel special."
Kuno then waved his hands defensively front of his face, and then stammered "no, no, no, that's not it at all, I really to want to thank you! I'm even in a debt to you I could never really repay. But for now friends?"
Ranma then looked at Akane, then Akane looked at Ranma and they nod it in unison.
"Yeah Kuno, I think we can be friends, but it'll be simply platonic alright?" Akane said to Kuno with a slight sharpness and her voice.
Ranma then got a curious look on her face turned back to Kuno and asked him "Kuno, what about Kodatchi?"
Kuno then sighed and shook his head and said "well Ranma, you'll be pleased to know that she's no longer fixated on you, but well you know she's, well still..." Kuno then gave them a knowing look, to which they both nodded to in understanding.
Then before their conversation could precede any further the five-minute warning bell chimed, followed by the childlike cry of "Delinquents!" from Hinaiko prompting all the students including Kuno, Ranma, and Akane that were by the door to rush into school to find their classrooms and seats before they could be drained by the local Chi vampire.
School that day passed by relatively quickly for the students if slightly unnervingly, as for the first time in living memory Ranma stayed awake in class and actually answer questions correctly!
Though nearing the end of the school day Ranma made a slight complaint to Akane of a light headache and slight nausea.
This of course coming from Ranma, the same person who could be impaled through the chest and say it's just a scratch, worried Akane greatly to suggest going to doctor Tofu.
Just as they were about to reach the entryway for the doctor's office as the sound of water splashing followed by Akane-kun's cursed cry of "Dammit! Can't I stay a girl for just one day!?" rang out.
To that Ranma just chuckled as Akane-kun adjusted his clothes to fit his now larger form, then said "Now you know by now it'll happen at the oddest times when it's the least convenient. Be lucky it was just the little old laddle lady and not some trucks splashing you with mud water out of the street gutter."
"Yeah I guess you're right..." Akane kun then opened the door into the clinic, as the two walked in Akane couldn't shouted "doctor Tofu, are you in? Ranma needs to see you!"
Tofu then poked his head out of exam room three smiling at his two favorite young patients and said motioning them into the room "Come in, come in! What can I do for you today Ranma?"
To which Ranma just rubbed her forehead slightly with her left hand and said "well Doc, it's just like a small headache and I'm a little sick to my tummy nothing really. Akane is just making a big fuss over nothing."
Doctor Tofu then "Hmmed" and said "well Ranma since you've only ever been sick once that wasn't somehow chemically or trauma induced, I have to say Akane is right in bringing you here. Now if now if you'll just hop on the table will have a looksee, and see what's going on here."
Ranma just looked at him for a moment, shrugged her shoulders and hopped up on the table. After several minutes of doctor Tofu's poking and prodding and constant "Hmm"ing Ranma was picking to get just slightly nervous. Maybe Akane was right in the there is something wrong.
Then tofu stopped his poking and prodding examination and just stared at Ranma, then said "Ranma I think I'd like to have a look you down in the lab, if you'll just follow me" Tofu said leading both Ranma and Akane out of exam room 3 through his office and to the broom closet door, which he opened to show blacks swirling mass that wasn't a closet.
Akane then looked up to Tofu, and said other nervously "Um, Tofu isn't this the, um broom closet?"
Tofu just chuckled and said with a mischievous smile "Just trust me." And that he pushed Ranma-chan and Akane-kun through the black swirling mass that was the broom closet door, him following to close the door behind him.
Just as Ranma and Akane were stepping out of the black void door with Tofu right behind them, they can only gape at what they saw as it was like a scene right out of Star Trek. As it was an immense room with one wall lined up with several high tech looking beds with screens mounted in the wall above them, along the back wall was what appeared to be a surgical suite with a larger medical bad strata by bright golden light and to the left a large medical laboratory console computer thing of some sorts. Just as Ranma and Akane had finished appraising the room they were even more surprised to see a bald gaijin man appeared out of thin air wearing a black body suit with blue shoulders and a star shaped pin over his heart, who then said tonelessly "Welcome to sick bay, what is the nature of the medical emergency?"
Before either Akane or Ranma could gather their wits to this new development, Tofu said "Nothing now Doctor, just here to do a little check up on my friend Ranma here".
To that the so-called "Doctor" just "Hmmed" and vanished back in the air.
After seeing all this display both Akane and Ranma whirled around to face doctor tofu and asked in unison "How!?"
"How what?" Doctor Tofu asked back amusedly.
"How!? How about the door!? How about this place! And how about that man!?" Ranma asked irritably.
To this Tofu just laugh and a high nasal laugh, and said "Why I'm the greatest medical genius on earth!!" To emphasize this a little miniature Tofu doll popped into being on his left shoulder tossing confetti and proclaiming "Tofu's the greatest!", this followed by a little miniature Tofu doll to pop up on his right shoulder tossing confetti and proclaiming "Tofu's the best!"
This of course caused Ranma and Akane to big-sweat-drop at the sight.
After Tofu calmed himself, he said "Really it's all just a series of family techniques passed on from the ancient grand-matriarch of the Ono clan Washuu Hakubi, God rest her soul…"
Somewhere in a subspace pocket Laboratory, a small redheaded girl with wild crab like hair working with highly volatile chemicals over a very dangerous machine, sneezed.
"Gesundheit Washuu-chan!" Mihoshi suddenly said bubbly from behind Washuu-chan, scaring her enough to drop the chemicals on the machine.
Needless to say the explosion that followed registered on no less than 70 planets across at least three planes of existence.
And coincidentally caused Ayeka to sigh up a dreamy "Wow!" while looking at her vibrator.
After who knows how long of being in this so called "sick bay", with odd lights and off the machines being waved around her Ranma was begging to be a little irritated though she didn't let it show to Tofu.
Then finally Tofu cleared his throat and said smiling "Well Ranma, the test results are all in, I've triple checked everything, and I have to say congratulations are in order! Though I must say you were the least likely person I'd ever expect to have to do for these sorts of tests on."
A puzzled expression then settles over Ranma's face as she asks "What you talkin' about Doc?"
"Oh, silly me!..." Tofu laughs nervously "... what I mean to say is, Ranma you're pregnant!"
As Ranma's right eyebrow rapidly twitches, she asks sharply "What?"
"What I'm saying here Ranma is that in nine months you will be a mother! On a plus note, I think you'll be pleased to know that the father is Akane-kun here."
Ranma's eyebrow twitches more.
"Ranma?" Akane-kun asks nervously.
More eyebrow twitching from Ranma.
"Ranma are you all right?" doctor Tofu asks waving a hand in front of Ranma's face.
Ranma then mechanically turns to face Akane-kun, who then flinches at the look being given him by Ranma.
Ranma then it jumps off the examination bad and points a finger accusingly at Akane kun shouting "YOU DID THIS TO ME!", and then much to Akane's surprise, Ranma manifests a large Chi mallet which just so happens to be his last conscious sight before the blackness of unconsciousness overwhelms him.
Ranma in a huff, stomps her way through the "sick-bay", slams open the black swirling void door and leaves in a huff.
Tofu then looked at the unconscious form of Akane-kun on the floor, and looks to the door, then size saying "Well that didn't go quite like I expected it to."
Tofu then pinches the bridge of his nose, and says "Activate the EMH". And as before a bald gaijin man in a black jumpsuit with blue shoulders and a star shaped pin over his heart appears saying "what is the nature of the medical emergency?" To which tofu just points to the unconscious boy on the floor, and the man and hologram then hoist him onto a medical bed.
Meanwhile on the street heading back to the Tendo dojo, Ranma was in turmoil thinking "I'm not even 17, not even a real girl and I'm pregnan! And I hit Akane and left him! What ever will I tell mom?..."
The Jusenkyo guide was really starting to get pissed spoke to this guy.
Several days ago this guy came into the valley, and just wouldn't shut up!
Now normally the guide enjoyed the occasional visitor in his otherwise lonesome little valley.
But this guy was really pushing the guide to his last nerve, always talking, and asking questions about the springs.
Like how many there are, what all do they do, do the springs cure other springs or just mix?
Yeesh this guy just won't shut up!?
"Guide! Oh My. Guide! Waht's this springs over here!" the guy called out, far too happily.
Sighing the Guide called back "Mr. Guest, that is uncursed spring, no tragic tale, that one."
Hearing this, the guests' eyes lit up and said "Oh Really! Wow, I'd better get a picture to note of it!"
So said he began to fumble with his camera pack, and stepped closer to the uncursed spring.
Just as he was leaning over the spring about to #click# his camera, he lost his footing and fell in the spring with a mighty #splash #! and a faint glow from the spring. Several minutes passed by after the guide saw this, he the adopted a "thinkers" pose with on arm crossed over his chest with his other arms fist under his chin.
After many more minutes, the guide left the area only to return a short while later with a shovel and a cart filled with dirt.
About an hour later the guide was tired, but where there once was a small little spring, there was now a small mound of fresh dirt and gravel.
The guide then pounded into the still soft soil a small wooden sign he made, dusted off his hands, then looked back at the little mound of dirt and said "A not so tragic tale."
With that he smiled, and walked back to his hut whistling happily, only to once again stop and happily look back at the little wood sign "'Former' Spring of drowned fanfic writer."
Hey what do you know, I'm not dead! And now I've got no voice dictation software program which really lets me write quite rapidly, as my typist skills are really incredibly poor. And maybe just maybe I might be able to finish the story, before NEXT year!
1.Those lyrics from West Side Story were just to tempting to NOT use somewhere in the fiction, don't you think?
2.Yes, I'm aware reproductive biology doesn't work, or show physical signs anywhere near as fast as I've portrayed, but lets all just consider it a quirk of the anime-universe.