This is my first attempt at lime... and perchance there will be some lemon in later chapters, provided that y'all like them cracky smut fics!

Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Not to me. Because if I owned them all, I definitely wouldn't make "Naruto" suitable for little kiddies... heh heh heh!

And as it was mentioned above, this is a crack-fic, so characters will be OOC. If OOC-ness isn't your cup of tea, scurry off, please! If you like it, review. If you don't... well, just mosey on. I don't like flames.

And, uh... Hiashi will be nice to Hinata in this fic. He will behave as any overprotective father should. Hiashi is capable of random shit, especially when I'm typing away behind the keyboard.

One more thing... some of the other stories I'm working on are kind of on hiatus. Yeah. Oopsie! Did I say that? Why, yes I did! Sorry... my mind is taking a walk on the road of life...

Here is "Onegai, Senpai".

Chapter 1: Her problem

Life was unfair.

Hinata miserably watched as the object of her affections walked as inconspicuously as he could into the sketchy building for the second time that day. From her vantage point, she could clearly see a punch card of some sort tied loosely around the ANBU captain's neck, and from the looks of things, there were a whole bunch of holes stamped out of it. The cute little blunette tensed as she heard his infamous "he-he" and the zealous squeals and giggles of girls clamoring to see their 'Naruto-koiishi'.

He had been coming here often ever since he got back from his latest mission, much to the dismay of the bashful 18-year old kunoichi who had followed him obediently in secret. With less than a week before he set off with a new set of instructions from the Fifth, the ill-reputed place had quickly become his other Mecca next to his beloved Ichiraku ramen stand and his actual apartment.

She, along with the rest of her Academy peers, knew the restless Nine Tails demon was housed inside his hyperactive body, giving him excess amounts of chakra and stamina. In his youth Naruto could easily deplete chakra through rigorous training exercises and jutsus, but as he grew older, that had became insufficient. Every man had physical needs, and Naruto's were no different. Frequent travels with the legendary sannin Jiraiya, noted author of the widely read "Icha-Icha" series (that his other perverted sensei Kakashi was a big fan of), had introduced her Naruto-kun to a world of chakra-depleting exercises of the ecchi variety and it was tearing her world apart. From what she had heard from the various women gasping for breath inside, Naruto-kun, and the Kyuubi vessel within him, had an insatiable sexual appetite.

"Mmm... ohhh... uhh... mmm... mmm... ohh... Naruto-kuuuun... sukebe!" one of the women wantonly cried. Hinata nearly shrieked in absolute horror! Just what on God's green earth was Naruto-kun doing with these women to make them shriek and moan so?

Hinata wanted to cry. She wanted to be the one to help her Naruto-kun, but how could she, when she didn't have the slightest clue about what to do? She was still a virgin in both body and mind, and still very unfamiliar with the things that a man and a woman, or, shockingly enough, two members of the same sex did in the bedroom.

(And how that puzzle fit, she would never know.)

She was in a real quandary. Why would Naruto want to waste his time on a talent-less untouched Hyuuga freak such as herself, and even if he did, what could she do, especially when Hiashi and Neji were adamantly warning her never to 'put out'?

She had once shocked her father and cousin beyond belief five years ago when she approached them with the question,

"Otou-sama, what does it mean for a woman to 'put out'?" she had asked him one day, cocking her head to the side.

Hinata, her cousin, and her father had been sitting at a kotatsu table going over the highlights of the previous night's Clan meeting while sipping their tea. Upon hearing his daughter's words, Hiashi had a short mental lapse as hot tea dribbled down his noble chin. Hinata gasped in shock as she dabbed the liquid off his face with a handkerchief.

Hiashi blanched before turning a rare shade of fuschia.

'No,' he thought, worriedly. 'Please let my daughter be talking about something else.' He admonished himself for believing that his daughter could ask such a thing. He must've heard wrong. But then, Hiashi glanced towards the side to see the horrific look on his nephew's face and he knew. 'Oh, dear God, what am I supposed to do?' He wasn't ready to give Hinata the talk about the 'birds and the bees'... The normally stoic father began to freak out. 'For heaven's sakes, she isn't of age yet! She has at least 12 more years before she turns 25...'

He collected himself, and took deep breaths to steady his frazzled nerves. "Where did you hear of this term, beloved daughter of mine?" he deadpanned, sweatdropping slightly. If Hinata found out what 'putting out' meant, he would surely castrate (without hesitation) any person who talked in such a filthy manner while his precious daughter was nearby!

"While I was on my way to the Academy, the men that play shougi at the gaming parlor were having a discussion about women who 'put out', Otou-sama." Hinata looked at her father and cousin curiously. Why were they twitching? Why was there fire in her father's eyes and ice in her cousin's? "Otou-sama, is 'putting out' such a terrible thing to do?"

Her father and cousin simply looked at one another before Hiashi cleared his throat and replied, "It is best that young girls don't learn about anything pertaining to 'putting out' or the other evils of carnal desires."

"E-eh, Otou-sama?" She raised her hands to her cheeks in shock, her face hot enough to boil the refreshments that they had been served, even from two and a half feet away. Did her father just say, 'carnal desires'?

Neji had stood up abruptly, and upon Hiashi's mind-link command, he excused himself and left the Hyuuga household to exact revenge on the men who frequented the gaming parlors for tainting his sweet cousin's mind.

Talk about SHELTERED! Not only that, but the Hyuuga Clan Head absolutely forbade his daughter to participate in the sex-ed classes at the Academy. Therefore she knew practically nothing about the human body, aside from what one of her aunties had taught her (and those lessons had been overseen by a watchful and -incredibly uncomfortable- Hiashi), and she didn't know how sex could be so bad, especially when she had learned that boys had a cute-sounding part called a "bobo" and girls had an equally adorable part called a "fufu" otherwise known as their "special place".

And another time, after a grueling training session with Neji, the two cousins had made their way towards the kitchen for a beverage when Hinata had heard strange pounding, grunting and guttural noises emanating from one of the bedrooms upstairs.

"Nii-san, what's that sou-"

Neji had heard them as well and quickly covered the ears of his cousin, glaring at one of the servants who understood and made a swift dash towards the room of one of the elders. Neji listened impatiently as the servant informed the offending party that Hinata-sama was downstairs and Hiashi-sama would be greatly displeased if his daughter learned of what they were doing. Audible mumbling could be heard and the servant made his way towards Neji and the heiress and bowed before resuming his earlier activities. Finally, when everything could be deemed safe for Hinata's innocent ears, Neji removed his hands.

Looking quizzically at Neji (whose face was starting to show signs of reverting back to it's normal color), she had asked again about the strange noises upstairs to which he had quickly said,

"Not everyone must know everything, Hinata-sama. If you want to remain a good girl, it is for your benefit that you forget what you heard today."

She pouted. Why was her entire family trying to protect her and keep her in the dark about things?

"Neji-nii-san, um, was that the sound of people... 'doing it'?" A pause. She was still waiting for an answer. She turned around to look at her cousin. "Nii-san? Why is your nose bleeding, Nii-san?"

And just like that, right before her very eyes, Neji had fainted from spastic shock over the fact that he couldn't protect his cousin from everything. His last coherent thought before he hit the floor was, 'Just when did Hinata-sama learn the phrase, 'doing it'?'

It had been the first time Hinata had seen her cousin pass out, ever.

Hinata scrunched her brows together, pouted, and then looked one last time in her beloved's direction before she walked away to think, her cheeks quickly flushing a bright scarlet when she heard more happy moans coming from behind her. She frantically fled the scene as she covered her ears and ran for dear life. 'Those are the bad noises!' she reminded herself.

Then, after a mile, she skidded to a halt. She was confused.

If those were bad noises and Naruto-kun was helping make those sounds, did that mean he was a bad person? It was totally inconceivable!

How could someone as sweet as her Naruto-kun get himself involved with bad things unless sex wasn't a bad thing in the first place?

Her father and cousin just had to be wrong!

As she moved at a more comfortable pace, she trekked through the busy streets of the village deep in thought. From the corner of her eye, she could see Iruka-sensei teaching the new wave of Academy students the correct way to perform Kawarimi no Jutsu. Through a shaded path, she found a mother robin showing her chicks how to prepare for flight. Off to her immediate left, near the riverbank, a father was showing his son the right way to cast a fishing line into the water.

Hinata thought to herself, 'I need a teacher, too... someone who can show me the proper ways of... uh... s-ssss-se- ack, I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT, LET ALONE THINK IT!' This time the blush spread across her entire body, rendering her immobilized for a few moments. She shook her head furiously and nearly tore her locks out in frustration. 'This is just way too humiliating! I can't just ASK about that sort of thing now, can I?'

It was at that very moment Inner Chibi Hinata decided to drop in for a visit. She was PEEVED by her outer self's lack of confidence. If she had one iota of the self-image she herself had, Naruto would've been hers EONS ago!

'Baka, baka, BAKA!' Inner Chibi Hinata cried, pointing a cute chubby finger at Hinata. 'Do you want to lose Naruto-kun to those women, FOREVER?'

Regular Hinata adamantly shook her head no. Of course she didn't want to give him up!

Really, it wasn't as if she hadn't tried to learn... she did find a small collection of shunpon (old Japanese pornography woodblocks) in the library two days ago (though she had fainted when she saw one of the carved illustrative pictures where an unclothed male and female seemed to be engaged in a strange act of some sort... and was she seeing correctly? The man looked like he was ready to poke the woman's fufu with a tube that was affixed to his body... was that supposed to happen? Was this really sex? And what was that tube? Oh my God, was that… was that a bobo?) Her face paled. She was definitely scared, but if this was what Naruto-kun wanted from a girl, well, by golly, she'd have to comply and give it to him!

Besides, she had noted, the woman in the picture looked awfully happy…

It was settled then.

'I have to FIGHT for NARUTO-KUN! I must find an instructor!' Hinata pumped her fists and took a deep breath as she continued to walk through the forest deep in thought. She carefully considered her options.

Kurenai-sensei and Asuma-sensei were currently ushering a diplomat to Grass Country with their new Genin teams, Tenten-chan was on a solo mission, and Ino-chan was out of the village borders as well. Hinata didn't have very many girl friends, and she didn't associate at all with Sakura-san, Naruto-kun's longtime crush, for obvious reasons.

Hokage-sama was much too busy (sleeping on the job- something that wasn't so much of a secret to the villagers anymore) and Shizune was working full-time as Tsunade's advisor, so she too, was unavailable.

Now she had to ponder about possible male candidates for teacher. There was no way she was going to ask her father or Neji-nii-san (for reasons stated earlier, not to mention the fact that the two men were prone to nerve attacks whenever boys were nearby). She couldn't ask Kiba-kun or Shino-kun for almost the same reasons- they were too brotherly, although it had been Kiba who she had coerced somehow into telling her what 'putting out' meant (in which 'doing it' was used within the definition, and after he had explained as vaguely as he could to his naive, yet curious teammate, Shino, who wasn't present to stop the dog-nin in time, had proceeded to thrash the Inuzuka quite mercilessly after one of his kikkai bugs reported to him of Kiba's wrongdoing).

No, she needed help from someone who she didn't cross paths with on a daily basis (for fear of utter embarrassment), and yet be someone she could trust.

Shikamaru-san was involved in an on-again/off-again (and currently on-again, again) relationship with Temari-san from Sand Country, and Chouji-san... well, the large boy breathed in potato chips in between meals and sleep. Somehow he didn't seem like he would be of much help. Lee-san was also unavailable, insisting he catch up on his 'spirit of youth' training outside of the village with his beloved mentor, Gai-sensei, and she had been ordered to avoid Kakashi-sensei and Jiraiya-sama for reasons her father would not say, and she knew not to question her father when foam was gathering in the corners of his mouth like a rabid animal when he spoke of those two.

Hinata frowned. This was getting hopeless!

'Is that everybody? Who else is left?' she wondered, as she made her way deeper into the forest, unaware that somewhere nearby, someone was having inappropriate thoughts about the young heiress.

Okay, so there ends Chapter One of "Onegai, Senpai". How was it so far? Liked it? Review! I live for positive reinforcement! Hated it? Well, avoid updates to this story, capisce? I'm so glad we came to this understanding!

And if you're not reviewing because you're a CLOSET PERV and don't want to have your cover blown, well... I suppose I can accept that...

HA! Actually, I can't, really! LOL!