The Best High School AU... EVAR!
If you've never seen a High School AU before, well... you're new. But hopefully this one is funny.
Notes: If you can't tell that the title and the very intention behind this fic is completely satirical then please save us all some time banging our heads into our keyboards and don't even read it.
Warnings: This fic is rated "T" for cussing and violence, as well as a few dirty jokes. It will not be sexual, but it will liberally poke fun at shoujo-ai, shonen-ai, inscest, threesomes, shotacon, and maybe more.
Dedicated to: All my friends at XL. High school would not have been the black pit of despair that it was if I'd had the pleasure of attending with any of you guys.
In some other reality...
It was a sunny sunday morning in September. In a modest home in a normal town somewhere in your typical American setting. They were a family of three: father, son, and daughter. The son was the eldest at twenty-nine years of age, and still lived at home. He claimed he made a living out of the house selling old books and yard sale junk over eBay, but the fact remained that he was a mooch. The younger sister was a girl of sixteen who could best be described as a nerd. She cared very little for anything but schoolwork, and a few strange hobbies. Their father was absent most of the time, with the simple explanation that he worked for the government and was very important. His children simply assumed he was a spy or something, and never bothered to dig too far into things. As for the mother, she had died of cancer several years earlier. This left Jin in charge of the house, but he rarely cared for it. Shion wasn't a tidy person either to say the least, and the entire home was in total disarray.
Jin's room had been renovated from the attic, and Shion had claimed the basement to use as a space for her projects and could normally be found there. The house itself however was no man's land, and on that pleasant morning, the Uzuki siblings were fumbling over each other to use the kitchen.
"Why is it when I'm hungry that's when you decide to eat!" Shion scolded, as Jin beat her to the microwave.
"I don't know what you're talking about," he replied. "11:00 AM is my usual breakfast time, and you only eat when you remember you're hungry. How is any of that my fault?"
Shion growled and pushed him out of the way. "It's my diner time!"
"Get on a schedule," he scolded her. "You do know school starts tomorrow right?"
Shion froze stiff, eyes wide behind her thick round glasses in shock. "Are you kidding? That's not until September!"
"It's September 3rd," he replied, as the microwave beeped and he removed his meal.
"Ah it can't be! I'm so behind schedule!" She grabbed at her hair in frustration and then threw her own meal into the microwave oven. Jin raised an eyebrow in suspicion.
"Just what are you making in the basement anyway?" he asked. His normally cool voice sounded with a hint of curiosity. It was quickly extinguished as the doorbell rang. "Ah, must be Kevin," he replied. "I'm going upstairs. I don't want to hear you guys banging around."
Shion sneered at him and raced for the door. "Yeah, banging, RIGHT," she groaned, and opened the door as Jin retreated back up into his room with his breakfast flavor Hot Pocket. Shion was met by an attractive blue-haired eighteen-year-old boy who wore a serene expression as usual. "Come on in," she said. "Is school really tomorrow? We've got so much work to do!"
"I know," he replied in a calm but grave tone. Though his face showed no sign of it, he was deeply concerned. "They'll never be registered on time unless we finish today..."
They scurried down to Shion's lair (forgetting all about her microwave dinner), which was more like a mad scientist's lab than any basement. Two large, black, coffin-like containers were at the center of the dark and musty room, hooked up with wires to Shion's many computers. The banging and grinding that Jin often heard when Kevin was around was not at all what he assumed it to be. No, it was the sound of two robotic girls being constructed out of parts secured from anonymous internet sources and sexy anime girl model kits imported from Japan.
"How close are we?" Kevin asked, as Shion sat down at her console which was still warm.
"I'm so almost there," she replied. (Jin was tired of hearing things like that come from downstairs as well.) "KOS-MOS can be ready as soon as I run the start-up test. How much of T-ELOS have you got left?"
"I'm finished," he said, setting up a laptop from a backpack that he wore. "I just have to load it up."
Shion cackled as she initiated the process with a swipe at the keyboard. "This will be so great!" She rubbed her hands together eagerly as the two of them stood before their creations and both grinned to the ears.
Shion looked up at Kevin, dreamily. "You know, I could have never done this without you," she beamed, and took his hands into her tenderly.
"And I could have never done it without you, Shion," he replied, eyes growing misty.
At the sound of a microwave-like ding, the mechanical latch on either case unhinged and lifted up. Two beautiful teenaged girls were revealed inside. One had beautiful sparkling azure blue hair and milky white skin. The other had darker bronze skin and hair of ivory white. They were both decked out in the finest of leather fetish swimsuits, white and black respectively. The two young scientists turned their heads to them, hands still interwoven, and nearly cried tears of joy.
"KOS-MOS!" Shion said with glee. "T-ELOS! You're both awake! Oh Kevin, this is so wonderful!"
T-ELOS was the first to open her eyes. They were emerald green, suspiciously like Shion's. She sat up in her case, looking down to find herself wearing what was practically lingerie and grimacing at that fact. She glared up at Kevin. "Sunuvabitch..."
"Wow!" Kevin exclaimed, and began to hop up and down along with Shion. "She talked! I will call her Telly and she'll be my snuggly wuggly! We can take her shopping and dress her in pretty clothes and brush her hair- and- and-!"
"I know! Yay!" Shion exclaimed, sharing in his enthusiasm. "I'm so happy!"
Then, rather abruptly, the white-haired robot girl sprung up from her seat, and proceeded to impale Kevin through the chest using her own arm. Kevin coughed in shock, and began to sputter as she pulled her arm back down. He fell to the ground, blood pouring out onto the basement floor.
Shion screamed in horror, and flung herself onto Kevin's body as the life drained away from him. "Kevin! Oh, Kevin!" she cried, tears streaming from her face.
She held him in her arms, as he choked for his last breath. "Sh... Shion... I always... did love you... but... but... ARRRG!" With that last grunt, he fell limp and was dead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shion screamed at the heavens (or rather, her basement's ceiling) over the sound of T-ELOS's maniacal laughter.
It was about at that point Jin opened the door, and was very confused to say the least. "What the hell is going on?"
"Oh! Hey, Jin!" Shion said perkily, having completely recovered. "What are you doing in the basement?"
"Uh..." Jin muttered, trying to figure out why there were two scantly clad girls and one very dead Kevin in his sister's basement lab. "Dad's home... thought I should tell you..."
Before Shion could react, their father's head appeared over Jin's shoulder. Shion yelped and stood up, trying to cover up the evidence. Mr. Uzuki laughed softly. "There's no need for that," he said, clapping a hand onto Jin's soulder. "Come on, son. Let's help your sister hide the bodies."
"H-hide bodies?" Jin stuttered.
"I only need one body hidden, dad!" Shion objected. "The girls are mine!"
"Neh?" T-ELOS snerked, and titled her head inquisitively.
Mr. Uzuki sighed. "Fine," he groaned. "Well, come on Jin. You grab his legs. We'll take him to the backyard."
"Uh, whatever you say Dad..."
The two male members of the Uzuki household then began to fulfill their filial duty by dragging Kevin's corpse to the back yard, which was guarded by a very tall fence. After quickly cleaning up all of the blood spots in the hallway, Shion scurried back to her lab to check on the girls. KOS-MOS had yet to wake up, and T-ELOS was just standing around in a cocky pose. When she saw Shion appear, she sprang to the door immediately.
Shion flinched and yelped, expecting the robot to do her in as she had done to Kevin, but instead, T-ELOS draped an arm over her shoulder tenderly. "Wai hallo thar, baybeh..."
Clasping her hands together in joy, Shion beamed dreamilly. "Wow! You're so great! You're speech centers might need some work, but..."
"Lyke ur reel kyoot wit dem glasses," T-ELOS sneered seductively. "Wuts ur name, sexeh?"
"Shion," she replied. "But oh! Your sister hasn't awakened yet!" She scampered daintily over to KOS-MOS's pod, where the lovely white and blue vision still slept soundly.
T-ELOS looked somewhat rejected. "I gots a hot sistah, wut? Phsaw!"
Shion pressed her hand against KOS-MOS's cheek gently. "Wake up," she whispered. "Come on..."
KOS-MOS's eye blinked open revealing bright crimson orbs. The irises shifted, focusing much like a camera's lens. Then having adjusted, they scanned her line of vision, falling on Shion. "Good morning, KOS-MOS!" Shion chimed, in exuberant glee.
"Good morning to you as well," KOS-MOS returned, attempting to sit up. "My database recognizes you as Shion Uzuki, my creator and Second Miltia High School Junior."
"Yes!" Shion nearly shrieked, and threw her arms around KOS-MOS in a powerful hug that confused the android girl greatly. "It works!" KOS-MOS only stared ahead blankly.
"AY!" T-ELOS shouted. "Dat's MAH hot stuf! I ceen her furst u ho!"
"Huh?" Shion looked up obliviously, and tried to interpret what T-ELOS was saying. "Are you jealous of me..?"
Instead, T-ELOS stomped up to KOS-MOS and placed her hands on her hips threateningly. Now free of Shion's crippling embrace, KOS-MOS stood and stared at her blankly. "Please state your identification so that I may store this information in my database for later usage."
"I R T-ELOS!"
"Wait," Shion puzzled, pushing her glasses up as she stood. "You mean to say... you are jealous of KOS-MOS? You like me?"
"Hels yea," T-ELOS replied.
Shion began to squee loudly. "Oh my god I can't believe it!" she squealed, and began to jump up in down. "Two girlfriends! I AM GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL!"
KOS-MOS blinked. "I do not comprehend this situation..."
Later, in the back yard, Jin and his father were just about done digging a hole deep enough for Kevin. Jin was unsure of all this. Being an adult, he would be tried as an accomplice. However, he couldn't turn in his family. Even if he could, he's still likely be tried for neglect, having been the adult present in the situation.
"I guess I trust you to take care of this, dad..." he said, wiping dirt from his face.
"For once," Mr. Uzuki replied, "could you try out the family business? You're not turning out as much, son. Do you even go to the dojo to practice your sword anymore?"
"What is the family business?" Jin replied. "Are we a part of the Yakuza or something?"
Mr. Uzuki laughed boisterously. "My, heavens no..."
But he didn't answer the question.