AN: I love everybody. Seriously. Consider yourself loved. Enjoy!
Residual Meany 4
Deep in the stinking bowels of Saddler's Underground Fortress, the man himself sat upon his extravagant throne with pompous arrogance and self-worth etched into every one of the leathery wrinkles in his diseased face. To top it all off, he had a Ganado stick his most prized possession atop the wall opposite him; a gorgeous Ceremonial Headdress that had been passed down for eons in his family. A satisfied smirk snaked its way across Saddlers lips as the henchman he requested earlier appeared before him and knelt down discreetly on the lush red carpet.
'It seems Salazar has failed me…much faster than I had anticipated.' Saddler started, addressing the guest as much as himself. 'But no matter. Krauser! Go get the girl. And dispose of those three bi-curious men while you're at it!'
'Consider it done.' Krauser grumbled as he stood slowly; muscles almost exploding from his tight shirt as he did so.
Just as Krauser moved to leave the chamber, Saddler let out a raspy retch that stopped the man short. Turning to his temporary employer, Krauser witnessed Saddler sitting rigidly in his throne with his eyes almost bugging out of his head.
'Uhh, you ok-?'
Then Saddlers head fell off. A perfect slice had decapitated him and now the leader of Los Illuminados had his own severed head sitting in his lap.
There was movement everywhere. A shadow so swift and deadly that Krauser could barely track it. His soldier instinct kicked in and he took hold of his giant knife…or at least he tried to. Both his arms were resting dismally on the carpet at his feet, bleeding into the fabric with gusto.
Another staccato of silent cuts rips the very air around the traitorous American, seizing his body up in an instant before the whole mass simply exploded into a thick crimson soup of gore and beret.
Saddler and Krauser were deader than dubstep. And out of a dark corner emerged their killer; a tall imposing figure encased entirely in a light blue and orange armoured suit. The sinister eye slits and single optical circle on the bone white helmet completed the classic look.
'Where is my friend?' He wheezed out; his voice warped beyond all recognition, sounding more like the twisted vocabulary of a demented killer robot.
'Not here. We shall meet soon, however. But until then, I must wash this place away.'
The cyborg then hit a switch on his forearm, and immediately a seismic flurry of distant explosions rocked the room violently, but still the figure stood amidst the carnage unperturbed.
Even as flames began swallowing the room in a fiery blaze, the cyborg rattled out a cackling and remorseless laugh.
As the four heroes were moving through the castle a good half hour after Luis Sera's death, a sudden onrush of rumbling almost knocked them all off their feet. Their reactions were varied:
'What the Bingo?!' Leon screamed and throttled Ashley to the floor to keep his own balance. Ashley herself hit her head hard into the solid tile so badly that both the floor and her skull cracked in equal measures.
Snake stood his ground firmly. He'd had his fair share of bases exploding with him still inside so it was nothing new. He even managed to light a cigarette during the quakes.
Chris shrieked like a girl and attempted to pummel the floor into stopping, smashing up the already fragile tile further.
'Leon! BRO! What's happening?' Chris cried out, now punching the adjacent walls so hard that they collapsed in on themselves under the assault.
'The place is blowing up, meathead! We've got to get out of here! Snake!'
'Carry this sack of shit for me please!'
Before Snake could protest Leon simply took off running down the crumbling castle corridors. Snake swore and scooped up the bruised and battered girl and slumped her over his shoulder.
'Redfield! We're moving out!' He called back to the former S.T.A.R.S member, garnering a loud bark in response as Chris scampered towards him on all fours.
Another series of crushing explosions rang out; closer this time. The corridor behind the men started to cave in towards them rapidly so they bolted for their lives with all the speed and balance they could muster. Before they knew it, a bunch of robed Zealots emerged from opposing doorways and started running with them. A panicky glance was all they could offer, but it clearly showed that whatever was happening wasn't part of their plan.
Unfortunately for the Zealots, black and red robes didn't make for the best sprinting attire, so one after the other they all tripped over spectacularly and were swallowed screaming by the oncoming death cloud of falling debris.
'Leon! I hope you know where're you're going!' Snake roared out as he ran hard with Ashley's unconscious body flailing about from his back.
Leon didn't answer. Truth be told he had no idea what he was doing. The whole place was falling apart around him. But at least his hair was perfect, but for how long?
Regardless of any plan he might've concocted, it was all for naught when the very floor they stood upon simply crumbled away into nothing. Leon yelled out and made to grab something, anything to keep from falling. But to his horror, gravity took bitter hold of him and sent his whole body plummeting into the depths.
The falling stopped short when a pair of roided-out gorilla arms took hold of Leon before he could fall any further. Leon looked up at his saviour to see Chris' grizzled mug a little too close for comfort. Snake was riding piggy back on the BSAA soldier, having grabbed on at some point.
'Hang on, BRO!' Chris blared haughtily as he seemingly flew through the air at incredible speeds, outrunning the destruction still chasing them.
Chris moved even faster, even with the added weight of two fully-grown men and an annoying tramp. Then with another glorious burst of speed, Chris leapt into the air and exploded through a high concrete wall and sailed out into the starry midnight sky and past the moon like an overly muscular version of ET.
Everyone let out an epic scream as the castle behind them was shattered by one last Armageddon of an explosion that utterly obliterated the structure within a towering blast of red hot flame and smoke.
The sound of the eruption rang out across all Europe. As the shockwave fanned out a lone mass of figures could be seen rocketing out from it like a missile.
'AHHH! We're gonna fall! This is all your fault, Ashley!' Leon yelped as he gripped Chris' form tight, doing his best to keep from passing out from both vertigo and the larger man's awful body odour.
Ashley was still unconscious. The only thing keeping her from flying off elsewhere was a single hand grabbing her foot desperately. Snake used his free hand to grip the back of Chris' vest frantically lest he be flung off himself.
Leon dared a look below and felt his stomach turn as he saw the ground coming up to meet them far sooner than he'd expected. He braced for the impact.
'AIR FORCE!' Chris screamed shrilly.
Like a comet from some obscene corner of space, they landed hard in the middle of the first village in the game; kicking up a roiling tidal wave of dust that broke every window in that place and sent no fewer than three chickens to their doom.
Soon after a barrage of burning debris from the castle fell unto the village like hellfire; setting the whole place alight into an instant inferno. Whatever residents were left there simply abandoned their posts and ran off screaming into the night; their free will apparently restored with Saddler's death.
As the village burned, a tired and injured group of American's at the centre stood up groggily, baffled at their survival.
'What in the…? We're alive?' Leon coughed, gripping his abdomen gingerly with his hand. 'We fell like two thousand feet. I should be flat as an omelette.'
'Pancakes.' Snake appeared beside him, looking similarly battered. 'It's flat as a pancake you brain-dead moron.'
Chris was the last to get up, having taken a good share of the brunt of such a fall. He immediately cried out in surprise when he saw Ashley torpedoed into the ground head-first nearby. Wasting no time he sprinted to her side and began digging her out in the classic doggy shovelling manner.
'You'll be out soon!' Chris reassured her, digging away with reckless abandon.
'How'd we live from that fall?' Snake echoed Leon's concern. 'I know Redfield is a steroid abuser but that should've been impossible even for him.'
Leon wondered that too until he saw something at his feet that answered everything.
There was a lone Ganado lying flat on the ground, flat as an omelette. But it was what the guy was wearing that set off an immediate wave of catharsis in Leon's mind.
A jacket. HIS jacket. Looking no worse for the wear. Leon ripped out a glorious battle cry and tore it from the Ganado in a flash. Cue the "Jacket Scene" from Devil May Cry 3; Leon moved like a man possessed in a dizzying motion of perfectly choreographed dance moves before flinging both his arms into the inner sleeves of his beloved jacket in one magnificent movement.
Leon turned to the camera then, flicking his hair and posed like a badass; the very air around him crackling with energy.
'Leon!' Snake gasped in disbelief. Something incredible had taken place before him. Snake knew right away that the cowardly and line-flubbering dimwit from before was no more. Snake couldn't help but fall to his knees before the man—no the GOD…and his jacket.
Chris was frozen in sheer awe as well; his paws locked in mid dig and drooling from his gaping mouth.
'My god, it's BEAUTIFUL.' He breathed, eyes shimmering before the resplendent majesty he had witnessed.
Leon turned a bit, glancing back at his comrades with another flick of his hair.
'Someone's coming.' He said quietly.
At those words another figure landed hard in the ground at their front; armoured body coiled into a crouch from the impact. The cyborg slowly raised his head at the men assembled before him.
'How have you been, my dear friend?' It said cryptically, standing now with a long ninja sword in hand.
'Gray Fox! You're supposed to be dead…again!' Snake replied in alarm; his hand hovering over the handle of his Socom in its holster.
'We have a score to settle…LEON.'
'Huh?' Leon was confused for a moment, but when the cyborg's mask opened all became clear to him. The face staring back at him instantly lit his very soul aflame in fury. How? Why? How in all fuck was Luis Sera still alive?
'Luis.' Leon seethed, clenching his fists so tightly the leather in his gloves squeaked out a short symphony. 'Luis. LUIS. LUIIIIS! Get the fuck out of my game you HACK! You're an embarrassment to supporting characters everywhere!'
Cyborg Sera simply ignored Leon's outburst and held his sword ready. 'If you die. This will become MY game, amigo. Once all of you are dead I'll take the President's daughter, AND the Plagas sample I took from Saddler. I'll be a hero AND I'll be rich!'
'Fuck you.' Chris interjected with a grumble, ever the poet. 'Even Enrico is more popular than you, and he's been dead for longer than this game was released.'
'Decoy Octopus had more memorable lines than you, Sera.' Snake added venomously.
Sera's face contorted in girlish rage. 'Shut up! You guys are poop!'
The cyborg-Spaniard hybrid charged towards them then, signalling the start of a battle so epic that words alone were not enough to convey it properly.
'LUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!' Leon roared as he met Sera in a battle to decide the fate of all existence.
Jacket and cyborg collided as one as each combatant attacked the other ferociously, causing each hit to shockwave out and decimate whatever was left of the village. The continued force of their flurry of strikes was so strong that a tornado of pure energy pillared out from the centre of their battle, taking with it the combined debris of the village, the castle, the swamp, indeed every location in Resident Evil 4. Snake and Chris even joined the fray, jumping in whenever they could, even as Sera would knock them back hundreds of meters with a single punch.
At point, Leon and Sera exchanged such a blazing fast concerto of martial arts that they both rose out of the floor on large pieces of castle wall; twisting higher and higher as the power and merciless strength of their strikes rose beyond all human comprehension.
'I'm the star of this game! I've got the best Handgun in the game!' Sera spat, driving a million punches into Leon's face in the space of that one sentence.
At the last punch, Leon forced his head into Sera's fist, head-butting it hard and stopping the assault short.
'You're not even playable you sad piece of shit! And you're little turquoise vest looks SO stupid!'
Leon threw out a roundhouse kick so devastating that Pluto was thrown out of orbit. His shoe connected to the side of Sera's face, breaking apart his helmet and revealing a network of circuits and other assorted cyborg stuff.
Their strikes grew faster and faster, spiralling their onslaught ever higher into the sky. Even as both fighters broke the atmosphere and battled with the very Earth as the backdrop, neither one gave any concern as to the how's and why's, their fight was all that mattered.
CRACK! A stiff uppercut brutally lands on Leon's jaw.
CRUNCH! Leon's knee drives into Sera's gut; splintering apart his armour.
Sera weaves under another kick and pierces his sword through Leon's shoulder, causing the man to roar in agony.
Leon kicked Sera and his sword away, nursing the wound as best he could as the Cyborg floated nearby with a disgusting smile on his face.
'What's that? You giving up?'
Leon mumbled something, too quiet for Sera to hear.
Sera floated a little closer.
'One more time?'
'Gum. I had gum.'
Leon rushed forward faster than time itself could fathom and punched Sera so hard in the face that the concussive impact brought Pluto back into orbit, but unfortunately not close enough to be considered a planet.
Leon then took Sera's back and flipped over so they hung upside down with both their heads pointed back to Earth.
'LEOOON! DON'T YOU DO IT!' Sera screamed in pitiful desperation.
Leon just grinned and flicked his hair.
The two then plummeted back to Earth, puncturing through the ozone layer like sarin wrap. Flames consumed them as they fell faster and faster. Sera screamed loudly but was soon drowned out once he'd broken through the sound barrier.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Snake and Chris watched in amazement as a burning spear of justice fell from heaven.
'It's Leon!' Chris exclaimed, having abandoned his duty of digging Ashley out of the ground. 'He's doing a-'
'—suplex.' Snake finished his sentence, gazing up at the closing meteor of martial arts mastery.
Then, in the most absolute gut wrenching impact ever felt by mother Earth, Leon suplexed cyborg Sera into the dirt.
A literal mushroom cloud burst outwards and destroyed Sera completely. Chris braced against the force of the explosion as Snake shielded himself behind the man's muscles.
Finally, mercifully, the dust cleared.
And there stood Leon, seemingly unharmed. His jacket, awesome. His hair, perfect. And the absolute look of smugness on his face would never be topped.
'Leon! You did it!' Chris exclaimed happily, running forward in a bid to wrap Leon in a big gorilla hug.
A crushing spin kick and comatose Chris later, Leon looked to the camera again and said but a single sentence;
'Where's everybody gone, Bingo?'
Three Days Later
The White House
'I want to give my sincerest thanks for bringing her back.' The President addressed his top agent from the other side of the desk in the Oval Office.
Leon stood proudly to attention, as did Snake and Chris at his sides. All three were wearing swanky military formal attire.
The President continued.
'Unfortunately, Ashley Graham is not my daughter. On the four and a half years it took you to complete the mission, I was elected as the new President. But at least the former President will be glad to have his daughter back.'
Elsewhere in some expensive estate, former President Graham stared in abject shock at what was left of his daughter. Her clothes and skin were scorched. Her hair a tangled mess with big patches simply missing. And to top it off, she had lost all motor functions…including the ability to speak.
With that, Mr Graham looked up to the ceiling in tears and whispered:
'Thank you, Agent Kennedy.'
Back at the Oval Office, the new President gave the three heroes every medal that a soldier who destroyed a third of Europe could acquire. And as a final thanks, awarded each of them a sweet Dune Buggy and clearance to drive it around the White House whenever they wanted.
After the small celebration was over, each of the men exchanged a few words with each other.
'Snake. Thanks for helping me out.'
'Anytime, Leon.' Snake replied gruffly and clasped their hands together in a manly forearm shake.
Chris was next, who was momentarily amazed by the shine in his new medals until Leon spoke up.
'Chris. You saved all of us back there when the castle exploded. If there was any story to be passed on that condoned steroid abuse, then you would be it.'
Chris Redfield's eyes watered up as his bottom lib blubbered dramatically.
The two shared a genuine hug, as both their tears and muffled words of gratitude and respect cascaded between them.
When the goodbyes were finally over with, the three went their separate ways. But before Leon left the Oval Office itself, the President called out to him.
'Leon, I know I've only known you for seven minutes, but I feel a deep friendship growing between us.'
'…Kay.' Leon raised a curious eyebrow.
'I want you at my side from now on. There's a several things in this world that must change.' The President spoke as he took the typical "Stare out the window of the Oval Office while giving a speech" pose. 'And I need a man like you to help me do that.'
'First order of business, I need to give a speech at Tall Oaks Academy. To announce to the world the truth about Raccoon City…'
Resident Evil Talk Show
The curtains open once more to the only videogame themed talk show on basic cable. Things were a little more festive on that particular airing. There were various decorations adorning the stage and seating area proper. Streamers of every colour, helium balloons, and even several BOW piñatas filled with assorted candy and G-Virus samples.
On the stage proper was every guest character who had previously appeared on the show.
Leon, smirking boyishly at the camera and giving a dual thumbs up every two seconds.
Ada winking seductively at every male in the audience.
Ashley attempting to breakdance as Saddler threw down some kick ass beat boxing.
Hunk doing nothing.
Krauser transforming and reverting his arm over and again, screaming 'Witness the Powah!' every time.
Wesker looking awesome, wearing a sign around his neck that read: I HAVE NO SON.
Chris in a speedo, his whole body lathered in massage oil; flexing in various Greco-Roman poses.
Jill, dressed as a ninja, cartwheeling all over the place.
Sheva, her chair empty with a card sitting on it with the words "Back NEVER", written on it in bold print.
And finally, the Hostess herself, sitting meekly as the crowd cheered loudly for the various RE Heroes arrayed before them.
She said nothing, simply smiling at the camera before bowing in thanks and gratitude. It was the last episode after all. Nothing needed to be said.
'Thank you all. Thank you.'
Bloody Freaking END