SEPHIROTH: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy VII or the Manuals series. I do, however, have Theresa Green's permission to use this format, so please ask her first before you do your own manuals.

A/N: The dreaded sophomore slump kicks in…

SEPHIROTH

KICK-ASS VILLAIN/ CETRA PRETENDER/ AERITH KILLER

Congratulations! You now have your very own SEPHIROTH! To have your AERITH killer operating at maximum efficiency, please read this manual. SEPHIROTH owners who fail to do so shall be fined 150000000 gil.

Product Information and Specs:

Name: Sephiroth (will also respond to "Sephy", "Seph", and "The General". Can be programmed to respond to other names such as "Hotshot", "Sweetcakes", and the like.)

Height: 6' 1"/ 182 cm

Weight: 72.5 kg/ 160 lbs

Length: Guaranteed to please

Date of Manufacture: November 10

Place of Manufacture: Hojo's Lab, Nibelheim branch

Check to see if your SEPHIROTH has the following accessories:

One Black Leather Coat with Silver Shoulder Guards (strappy brown fastenings included)

One Pair Black Leather Pants

One Pair Black Leather Gloves with Silver Cuffs

One Black/ Silver SOLDIER belt

One Masamune™

Black Materia™ and other accessories such as chains, whip, and additional bondage gear for your SEPHIROTH sold separately.

Removing your SEPHIROTH

Place SEPHIROTH box in the middle of the room. Have your receipt or proof of purchase on hand. Open box. Your SEPHIROTH will creepily float out of the box and land gracefully on the floor. He may glare at you at first, but show him your receipt and he should acknowledge you as his owner. If that doesn't work, tell him you're a daughter/ sister/ friend of JENOVA. Let's see him screw that.

Programming and Modes

Your SEPHIROTH comes programmed with the following modes:

Cool, Calm and Collected (default)

Sicko (locked until he kills an AERITH)

Pesky Son-of-an-Alien (locked until he stews in the Nibelheim mansion basement for a week)

Hostile

Taunting

Out of Character

God (locked until he successfully summons Meteor and eliminates all life on the planet)

With such modes built in, you can expect your SEPHIROTH to be compatible working in any of the following fields:

Assassin: Your SEPHIROTH, after all, is the best of his kind in the elite SOLDIER organization. Annoyed with that AERITH or TIFA hanging around the neighborhood? Set your SEPHIROTH on them and you'll be AERITH/TIFA- free for life! Only CLOUD units can withstand your SEPHIROTH's Masamune™, so be warned.

Ramp Model: With his gorgeous six-pack and effeminate face, your SEPHIROTH will charm even the most cold-hearted women (and men!) off their feet.

Manipulator: Armed with superior interrogating and psy-war tactics, SEPHIROTH can outwit and manipulate the dumbest and smartest of enemies with relative ease. The glowing green eyes help a lot in this function, so try to keep your SEPHIROTH fully charged at all times.

Boyfriend: Any hot-blooded female who purchases a SEPHIROTH and doesn't try this out is either crazy or blind. Or both.

Bodyguard: If you've formed an intimate bond with your SEPHIROTH, paralleling that of his obsession with his 'mother', rest assured that in times of danger, your SEPHIROTH will guard you with his life. The seven-foot sword really helps.

Relationships with other units

The following units may provoke a change in your SEPHIROTH's behavior, so use them with caution:

CLOUD STRIFE Their relationship will range from angry, to agreeable, or maybe even to 'uncomfortably close'. It depends on what mode your CLOUD and your SEPHIROTH are in at the moment. Most of the time, though, they'll be knocking stuff over and destroying things wherever they go because they're fighting. With a huge sword and a long-ass blade.

AERITH GAINSBOROUGH: Your SEPHIROTH's number one target; one who must be immediately disposed of in order to achieve his plans of godhood. Killing/ disabling an AERITH will trigger your SEPHIROTH's Sicko and God modes. Make sure that your SEPHIROTH doesn't see an AERITH ever again, as he may think that the AERITH came back from the dead and must be killed again.

JENOVA:This silent unit, amazingly, is responsible for almost all of your SEPHIROTH's actions. Be sure to have a JENOVA around your house, or else you run the chance of your SEPHIROTH killing you for not inviting his 'mother' to your home

HOJO: Even if he doesn't look like it, the HOJO is considered to be the biological father of your SEPHIROTH. It's weird how a complete freak of nature was able to produce such a silver-haired Adonis…

Maintenance- regular trips to the gym, beauty parlor and spa should keep your SEPHIROTH in tip-top shape.

Cleaning

Your SEPHIROTH will never get dirty. Not even leaving him in a run-down apartment unoccupied for 10 years with mold and hair growing on the walls will sully his divinely pristine image.

FAQ

Q: I love my SEPHIROTH! Can I buy one more to keep my first one company?

A: Sorry, but to keep up with the SEPHIROTH fangirl (and fanboy!) demands, only one SEPHIROTH is allowed per household. You can try buying the RIKU, though, once it is ready for public release.

Q: I adore my SEPHIROTH's long, luxurious hair, but I think it's getting out of hand. Can I cut it to get rid of the split ends?

A: Your SEPHIROTH will most definitely not like it, unless his 'mother' has told him to get a haircut. Do it at your own risk (get life insurance to be on the safe side).

Q: I ordered a SEPHIROTH, but instead I got one that had a "1" on his hand. Is this a fake?

A: You have been sent the NUMBER ONE CLONE unit by mistake. Send it back immediately and we'll replace it with a SEPHIROTH. Or, if you're too strapped for cash to afford the 50,000 gil shipping fee, just pour some bleach on the "1" tattoo and voila! Instant SEPHIROTH!

Q: Can I get my SEPHIROTH to wear other clothes aside from the bondage gear he's already wearing?

A: Nope. Your SEPHIROTH's stuck in those duds. The farthest you could go would be to have a half-naked SEPHIROTH (drool) clad only in his pants (which is already good enough if you ask me) and although I guarantee that it is a feast for the eyes of any loyal SEPHIROTH fangirl, it's a warning that your SEPHIROTH is about to die at the hands of a CLOUD unit- get an AERITH unit to distract it. Or, instead of going through all that trouble, you could just buy a Kingdom Hearts SEPHIROTH dress-up set for only 199.95 gil at your nearest Final Fantasy Collections© dealer. Assist your SEPHIROTH in dressing up if it looks like he's having difficulty.

(SEPHIROTH manufacturers are not responsible for any marital disputes which might arise from doing the suggested activity.)

Q: Can my SEPHIROTH ever get along with a CLOUD? All the bloodshed is driving me nuts!

A: Only if you program both of them in their 'Out of Character' modes. And honestly, I find the scenario following that procedure to be very disturbing. Recommended for yaoi fans, though.

Troubleshooting

Problem: My SEPHIROTH won't do anything except read books and polish Masamune. I want him to go out and kill people.

Solution: Make sure your SEPHIROTH is informed of his parentage. That always works.

Problem: My SEPHIROTH has this little problem with matches, kindling, Fire Materia, campfires, that kinda stuff. I want a silver-haired hottie to worship, not a pyromaniac!

Solution: This is a problem that cannot be corrected by any means, even by the best SEPHIROTH technician. He is SEPHIROTH, after all. At least he's handy for barbecues, eh?

Problem: My SEPHIROTH really freaks me out with all the random JENOVA body parts hidden around the house, and I don't think that it's very hygienic.

Solution: That obsession with his 'mother' is part of what makes your SEPHIROTH tick. If you're really bothered by this, try hiding the JENOVA body parts in places he won't think of looking in, such as the goldfish bowl, the computer monitor, or the toilet. This only has temporary effects, though, so learn to love JENOVA- you're stuck with her as long as you have a SEPHIROTH.

Problem: My SEPHIROTH's eyes have strangely turned red.

Solution: Do any of the following:

Keep your SEPHIROTH away from onions, crab shampoo, vanilla-scented candles, and cornflakes (he's allergic to them)

Limit your SEPHIROTH's TV viewing time

Hide anything that can enter your SEPHIROTH's eyes, such as nail polish, household cleaners, shaving cream, and the like.

("Or, maybe that rumor that he's VINCENT's son is true after all.") (gets killed by Vincent fangirls)

Problem: My SEPHIROTH lost his Black Materia accessory.

Solution: There is no solution. We are all screwed. If you try to talk to your SEPHIROTH about this he may most likely kill you, as your SEPHIROTH does not work well under pressure. If your SEPHIROTH is in a good mood, he might manipulate one of his flunkies to find it for him. If not… well, it's been nice knowing ya, SEPH.

Final Note

With excellent genes and a knack for surviving even world destruction, your SEPHIROTH will prove to be a faithful, loyal, and loving companion through the years. And because he is a certified Bishounen™, you can expect him to pass on those good genes, parental obsession, and survivability unto his son, namely the RIKU. Be sure to specify in your will who will inherit the SEPHIROTH after your death, so that your children won't kill each other for the chance of having a shot at the silver-haired bishie.