Title: Into The Woods
Author: juxtaposed
Rating: R - so pleasepleaseplease be responsible and dont get me kicked off!
Pairings: Harry/Draco, Lucius/Severus, Remus/Sirius
Summary: Based off a prompt given to me, that was "the HP version of Hansel & Gretel with Harry as Hansel and Draco as Gretel".
Notes: Okay, this is more of a crack!fic than anything else. There isnt much explicit H/D mentioned, but it is the OTP. :)


There was once a grand mansion that stood proudly next to a wild forest, and this mansion was Malfoy Manor, and within it lived Lucius Malfoy, his lover Severus Snape, and their charges Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy.

It came to pass throughout the land that there was a great draught, and soon food and drink were lacking, even within the illustrious Manor. With these circumstances in mind, one night in bed Lucius decided to mention his Plan to Severus. He knew that Severus was responsible for the children, however, and would not submit easily (he never did), and as such he waited until he had Severus' cock in his mouth before he pulled away and smiled beguilingly at his lover, who was most distracted by the loss of Lucius' mouth.

"Severus?" Lucius began, in the sweetest tone he could muster. Severus stared down with his sexy onyx gaze, gaping and wondering what on earth was so important that Lucius had to stop now because he was so bloody close damn it and couldnt it fucking wait until he had come?, but he knew that Lucius disliked it when Severus got stroppy, and he preferred to wait for an orgasm rather than not get one at all, so he merely raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Severus, I've been thinking about our situation lately."

Severus frowned. "I thought we worked this out, Lucius. The subscription to Modern Wizards And Their Wands have been very useful, and I was under the impression that you were enjoying things lately, what with the eye-rolling and passing out after you come -"

"And I am," Lucius assured him hastily. "You have been nothing but the most magnificent lover, Severus, but this - this has nothing to do with that."

"Oh," Severus paused, rather pleased at being deemed a 'most magnificent lover'. "What is it, then?"

"It's this draught across the land. Now, I know we're disgustingly wealthy, but even money can only buy so much, when there's nothing left to buy. So I was thinking, perhaps it was time we shipped off the boys. Let them fend for themselves." To lend some weight to his request, Lucius ran his tongue along Severus' shaft.

"Oh - oh - well, I - I'm not so sure that would be a good idea, they'll be back at Hogwarts in a month or so, surely we can wait for that - oh god, Lucius," Severus choked out.

Lucius wrapped his long fingers around Severus and stroked up and down, while his tongue danced along the head. "But think of all we could do, if they werent around..."

"T-That is convincing, I must say, although I still have my - oh, yes, god, fuck the boys, we'll kick them out tomorrow morning, just dont stop, ahh -"

And so Lucius managed to convince Severus of his Great Plan.

Unbeknownst to them, however, Harry and Draco had had trouble sleeping, and were wandering around the Manor. Curious about the loud moans emanating from Lucius and Severus' bedroom, they had stopped to investigate, and as thus had learned of Lucius' Great Plan.

Draco was distraught. "How could he? I'm his son! I mean, you, I understand, you're not related to him, I'm not even sure why you're here, he's been trying to kill you for years, but me! I'm his only son and heir!"

"I'm here," Harry reminded him pointedly, "because we are shagging on a regular basis. And because he claims that he never really wanted to kill me, it was all Voldemort's fault. Besides, you shouldnt be that surprised, he's tried to get rid of you before."

"Well, yes, but that was Voldemort, too," Draco sulked, ignoring Harry's cough of 'Sure it was'. "It was. I dont believe this, how could he just - oh ew, is that Severus making those noises?"

"I try not to think about it. I mean, I knew that your predisposition for shagging dark-haired men had to come from somewhere, but really, your father and Professor Snape is just - terrifying." Harry paused. "Wow, they're really going at it. I wonder if they're using the handcuffs I found in their room the other day."

Draco shuddered. "Handcuffs? What hand - you know what, I dont want to know. Can we just leave? I dont really fancy standing here listening to them shag the night away. I'd rather figure out a way to not get killed by my father tomorrow."

"Well," Harry pointed out matter-of-factly, "He never said 'killed', so you're being a teensy bit overdramatic. Also, in order to do that, we'd have to know how they're planning to get rid of us. And in order to do that, we have to keep listening until Lucius reveals his Great Plan. Are you sure you dont want to know about the handcuffs? Because it gave me ideas, so I went and got a pair."

"But it'll take ages 'til they're done, Severus hates it when Father teases him, and he takes revenge, and it just goes on and on, and - really? You got a pair? Can I see them?"

"Later, after we've discovered the Great Plan, and are full of nervous energy as well as sexual tension from listening to them go at it for so long."

Draco considered this, ignoring the petulant voice in his head that went 'But I want to shag now', because Harry hated when he got whiny, and besides which, Harry had a point, both about needing to hear the Plan and the building sexual tension. "Well, alright then."

The next morning at breakfast was rather tense.

Well, as tense as it could be when all parties have had incapacitating orgasms the night before. That is to say, not particularly, but there was that little niggling issue of Lucius planning to send Harry and Draco out into the wilderness; Severus reluctant but agreeing to the Plan, because the wrath of Dumbledore was preferable to celibacy; and Harry and Draco having found out the Plan and then spending the rest of the night having kinky bondage sex instead of figuring an escape; which left them all just a teensy bit anxious.

(But the sex had helped.)

"Well then, boys," Lucius said cheerily. "I was thinking it's a fine day for us to go for a spot of flying, maybe even have a picnic in the woods." There was an unspoken 'Where we will leave you without your broomsticks after drugging your drinks with Sleeping Draught, and you will be left to perish', but they all knew it was there, anyway.

"That sounds wonderful, Lucius," Severus nodded. "We hardly see each other nowadays." And silently added, 'Because we are all too busy shagging our respective partners to care about anything else. And I still disagree with you about this getting-rid-of-the-boys thing, but I shan't argue with you now, not in front of them. But you wait until I get you back in bed.'

"Well, that does sound great, Father, but Harry and I had other plans," Draco said. 'Like staying home and shagging, instead of getting kicked out into the dangerous woods and being left for dead by my own father.'

"Nonsense, Draco, you boys can postpone your activities for a day, surely." Lucius tutted. 'Or longer than a day, unless they involve being left in the forest for dead, in which case then you can do them today.'

"Yeah, Draco, it's alright, we can accommodate your Dad this once," Harry spoke up. No one seemed to understand his silent, 'I have a plan, not to worry!' and mistook it for 'Well, I'm speaking out of my ass again, being a blustering Gryffindor, but you lot are used to it by now, I reckon.'

"Well," Severus interrupted the confused silence that had settled over the breakfast table. "I'll just go prepare some food, shall I?" Which obviously meant, 'I'm going to spike the drinks with Sleeping Draught and perhaps sulk, because I am not happy with you, Lucius, so you can forget about the silk scarves tonight. Although I was quite keen on them, so perhaps I'll find another way to show you my displeasure.'

"Very good idea, Severus," Lucius smiled. 'I do enjoy being punished, after all.'

And so, despite Draco's reluctance, he had given in to his father, and they had set off on their broomsticks. Draco had severe misgivings about Harry's insistence that no, really, he did have a plan, but he resigned himself to his fate even as Harry charmed the clouds to form shapes of the path they were taking.

They flew out to a small clearing in the middle of the thick woods, where Severus anxiously dealt out the drinks. However, as they suspected they were potioned, Harry and Draco avoided them, even though Severus and Lucius both took hearty swigs.

The boys realised their folly when they hungrily tucked into their sandwiches and found themselves unable to keep their eyes open.

"Oh, bugger and fuck," Draco cursed, as he felt his world start to turn black, and then he had collapsed onto an already-prone Harry.

"Fuck and bugger," Draco swore again, upon waking up many hours later, and seeing that not only had Lucius and Severus left, but the sky was turning dark. He poked at Harry's snoring form. "Harry, get up. Their Great Plan worked, you idiot, now what do we do?"

"Mmzft, huh?" Harry managed to slur out, as he yawned and blinked blearily at Draco. "Oh. Oh, well, yes. I had a plan of my own, which was - wait. What was it? Oh yeah. The clouds."

"What about the fucking clouds?" Draco snapped.

"Dont snap," Harry snapped back. "I charmed them to show us our path back. We'll just follow it back to the Manor."

"But they took our brooms..." Draco stared at him in horror. "You mean we'll have to walk? "

Somehow, Draco managed the walk back to the Manor, and somehow, Harry had managed not to kill him, even after the first fifty 'But Harry, my feet hurt.'

It was with great relief when they rang the doorbell.

It was with great disbelief that Lucius and Severus answered the door.

"What the bleeding fuck -" Lucius stopped as Severus elbowed him, "took you boys so long to get home?"

"You took our fucking broomsticks," Draco scowled, but Harry elbowed him as well, "A mistake, I'm sure."

"Yes, a mistake, of course it was! Well, come in, then! Why are you two just standing out there?" 'I knew we should have just Avada'ed you.'

"Because you're blocking the door." 'Fucker.'

Dinner that night was extremely tense. Both because of Lucius' failed attempt to get rid of the boys, which neither they nor Severus were particularly pleased with, and also because none of them had had any sex to take the edge of yet.

The next few days passed by uneventfully, Lucius trying to perfect his Great Plan, and Harry and Draco believing that perhaps Lucius had given up.

However, one morning Lucius announced, "We're all going out, to visit your Aunt Bella in Azkaban." 'And I'll leave you boys there, I doubt you could find your way back this time.'

"Why the fuck are we?" Draco demanded. "I hate Aunt Bella. You hate her."

"I do not hate her...well, because she's finally kicking it, and if we want first dibs on her possessions we have to get there early."

"Oh." Draco thought this over. "All right, then." After all, it was family tradition to purloin as much as one could whenever a relative died.

Luckily for Harry and Draco, Harry was still rather suspicious of Lucius' intentions, and the morning they were to set off, cast the cloud charm again.

Unluckily for them, they were taking a Portkey.

A Portkey that did not lead them to Azkaban, but to a rather overgrown forest shrouded in mist.

"Oh buggering fuck bugger," Draco muttered when they arrived, and he realised it was part of Lucius' Great Plan, which was after Lucius and Severus had hastily Apparated away. "I dont suppose you planned for this, did you, Harry?"

"Well, I didnt think we'd be taking a Portkey..." Harry began. "But we can walk around, look for someone who'll help us out."

"Yes, because creepy foggy forests are so often full of helpful people." Draco sneered, but scrambled to follow Harry, who was already hiking away.

They had trudged for a couple of hours when suddenly Harry stopped. "Do you smell that?"

"You arent exactly Mr Hygiene either, what with the sweating, you know," Draco scowled defensively.

"No, I mean, I smell food! And I think I see smoke. Come on!" Harry excitedly hurried down a haphazard path between a patch of knotted trees, and Draco followed him, albeit much less happily, because his clothes were getting much filthier than he liked, and these robes weren't off-the-rack.

But it was almost forgotten - almost - when they both stopped in front of a large cottage, where there were pies laid out on windowsills, and the smell of pumpkins filled the air.

"Oh my god, its like the Holy Grail," Harry murmured in awe.

Draco tilted his head. "Well, its certainly impressive, but I dont know if I'd go so far as to call it - what the fuck are you doing?"

Harry had run forward and grabbed a pie and was devouring it hungrily. "God, its so good, you have to try some."

"You dont know where it's been! And that's stealing, by the way, I thought you Gryffindors had morals."

"It's blueberry," Harry said in response, and immediately Draco's resolve weakened.

"Blueberry pie?" he whispered weakly.

"Mmhmm," Harry nodded, his mouth was smeared with dark stains, and dear god Draco could smell it was blueberry.

"Get the fuck out of my way," Draco growled, and within seconds was in the most undignified manner swallowing mouthfuls of the most incredible blueberry pie he had ever eaten - the only time he had had pie this good was when Voldemort had made it - oh fuck. "Oh fuck," he said aloud, just to emphasize the 'oh fuck'-ness of the moment.

"What?" Harry mumbled around a mouthful of pie.

"Voldemort," Draco said, horrified.

"You called?"

They both turned around in horror at the arrival of a new voice. Sure enough, there stood Voldemort, complete in - apron-wearing glory. Which both Harry and Draco had to say was a damn sight more terrifying than when he was clad in swooshy black robes. The apron was pink.

"You have got to be kidding me," Harry swore under his breath. "I thought I killed you!"

"Ah, Mister Potter! Delightful to see you." Voldemort beamed. "And, no, I'm afraid you didnt. Much like when you were a child, you simply stripped me of my powers, however I have managed to retain my corporeal form, this time. I've been having the time of my life out here in the woods, I meet the most delightful people. Why, once, there was the most charming little girl, off to visit her grandmother -"

"You killed her, didnt you?" Harry said suspiciously.

Voldemort paused. "Well, yes, but we had a glorious chat before I did. Did you know, if a wolf swallows you whole, you could actually still escape? They must not have much stomach acid, I imagine."

"That's probably useful if Lupin ever turns on you," Draco mused thoughtfully to Harry. Harry rolled his eyes.

"For god's sake, Remus takes his potions, we've had this discussion, and anyway - Tom, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you again. Properly, this time."

"I thought you'd say that," Voldemort shook his head sadly. "I dont suppose it'd count in my favour that I've been hiding out here and not attacking Muggles?"

"You just admitted to killing a little girl," Draco reminded him.

"Blast it," Voldemort sighed. "Very well, Harry, do your worst."

"I do appreciate that you've tried to be good, though," Harry told him, and Voldemort smiled gratefully. "Well then, Avada Kedavra!"

And Voldemort dropped to the ground.

Draco poked at him with his foot. "D'you reckon he's actually dead this time?"

Harry shrugged. "Best be sure, though. I saw an oven through the window."

When they were done baking the Dark Lord to death, they sat down in the kitchen. There were an awful lot of pies. And gold.

They took great amounts of both, then set out to find Malfoy Manor again.

It was several days later when they came across another cabin, which also smelt of pie and pumpkin. Harry stopped short in his tracks and exchanged a glance with Draco.

"We did bake him in an oven a few days ago, didnt we?"

Draco nodded slowly. "I pushed him in myself." He eyed the cottage. "Well, this does look a little smaller than the last..."

"Harry? Is that you?"

A familiar voice made them turn around, and Harry broke into a wide grin.

"Professor Lupin!" he cried, running over to throw his arms around the older man. "Is this where you're living now?"

"It's Remus, Harry," corrected Remus. "And yes, I moved out here last autumn. By the way, is that Draco Malfoy with you?"

Draco waved nervously. He'd always rather fancied Remus. "Hello, Professor."

"It is you! Well, I'm glad to see you both here...what on earth are you two doing out here anyway?"

"Well, its a rather long story," Harry scratched at his head.

"Oh, of course. Whatever am I thinking - you two must come in for some tea and biscuits. Or pie - I got the most amazing recipe from a neighbour - he was most charming, really, told the most delightful stories about the people he's met..." Remus beamed at them, not noticing their stunned expressions.

Mutually deciding not to inform Remus that they had just baked his 'most charming' neighbour, Harry and Draco followed him into the cottage, where they sipped warm tea and munched on biscuits while explaining exactly how they had got there, carefully leaving out the Voldemort encounter. Remus appeared most disgruntled by the news that Lucius had attempted to get rid of them, and that Severus had let him.

"He always would do anything for a shag," Remus murmured disapprovingly. "I remember once, when we were still in Hogwarts, and he -" He appeared to remember all of a sudden who we was speaking to, and quickly cut himself off, flushing brightly. "Er. Yes, well. I imagine you'd like to get back home, then?"

"That would be the point of our travelling miles through the woods, yes," Harry nodded. "Can you help us?"

Remus cocked his head. "Well, my Floo isnt connected - looking for peace and quiet and all that - but I know someone who does have a working Floo. It's not too far, I can take you boys now."

Something about the way he said 'someone' made Harry eye him curiously, but Remus simply smiled amiably and gestured to the door.

He led them confidently through the forest, and soon they arrived at yet another cottage, also smelling of pumpkin and pie. He breezed into the house without knocking, and led them straight to the fireplace after a quick glance around.

"Well, here you go, then! Off with you both!" he announced cheerily, shoving a pot of Floo powder into Draco's hands. "Quickly now, I'm sure you're both eager to get out of here."

Harry looked at him suspiciously. "Are we breaking and entering?"

Remus barked out a laugh. "Not at all. Just - well, you should really hurry, because I dont think -"

"Remus, is that you?" A voice called out, and Remus winced.

"Quick!"

Harry started. "I know that voice -"

"Are you back for more already, then, Moony? God, the full moon really does make you a horny little bastard, doesnt - Harry! What a - um, surprise!"

Sirius Black strolled out, wearing nothing more than a dog collar. And leash. Which, upon seeing Harry, he attempted to hide behind his back, only to realize that it left him completely exposed, so he brought his hand back forward, but that just made the leash more obvious, and after a few uncomfortable seconds he simply ducked behind the door.

Harry opened his mouth to speak, then shut it. Then opened it again. Then shut it again. Then -

"Hey, I know you! You're my blood-traitor cousin!" Draco pronounced cheerfully. "Sirius Black, right? My mother was always talking about you -"

Sirius smiled weakly. "Nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand, but - well -"

"I told you to hurry, I told you," Remus muttered. "Sirius, I'm sorry - they just needed to Floo back, and I thought you were still asleep..."

"Wait a minute," Draco looked thoughtful. "Are you two shagging then? Because there's a pot going round in school, and I think I could still get in -"

"You know what? We're leaving now," Harry declared. "Um, Remus, thanks for - uh, tea. And bringing us here, I suppose. Sirius, good to see you - well not see you see you, but - ah - fuck. Malfoy Manor!" he yelled as he threw a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace and stepped in, reaching out to grab Draco along with him.

And so they arrived back at the Manor, where Severus was most pleased to see them. Lucius eventually came around, especially after they mentioned that they had killed Voldemort, properly this time, and stolen his pies.

And they lived happily ever after.

FIN

AN: Okay, I know that I am obviously insane, and this fic was probably the worst thing you've read in days. But be nice and review anyway. :)
Also, to anyone awaiting updates for my other fics, I beg for your patience.