Author's Note: This is a story that's sort of odd. It's from Cody's point of view—he's being hurt when trying to do everything to protect his brother. Why? That is to be revealed. I felt like writing something different.
You are still unblemished by the hands of another. You are pure and clean, yet so naive. You cry when you say you are hurt, but you have not been hurt. You do not know how much life can hurt. You do not know how you can be pulled from limb to limb. You have no idea what life is yet.
I have gone through so much, but you continue to live in a separate world. You continue to escape reality while I go on with the relentless blows. Yes it hurts, it does, but you have not lived life yet.
I take it all for you. Why? Because I love you. I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. When they come and they ask for you, I can pretend to be you. They don't know the difference. They don't.
This duplicity, the surprising enigma of it all.
I am still not sure if that's a blessing or not. They hurt me and pull me apart. They can't tell us apart, they never could. Why do I do this for you? I don't know how to go on. I can't tell anybody. I can't tell anybody, especially not you.
What would you say I wonder? You would be angry, I know you would. I fear facing your inclement moods if you every find out. Your heart would break and I can't have that happen because that's what I've tried so hard to protect you from. They would extirpate your heart, they would break you. I don't want you to see that. I want you to keep on going on in your wide-eyed innocence.
You laugh when I cry, but I'm crying because you laugh. You don't know, do you? You have no idea how much it hurts at night when I look out the window. You have no idea why I hold onto that pathetic piece of blue cloth that is called Blankie. You have no idea how much I want to switch places, how much I would fight to not do this anymore.
You have no idea.
You have no idea how they hurt me. You have no idea how much it twists from inside. You have no idea that my heart breaks everyday. You have no idea that I don't eat because I don't want to puke for them. You have no idea what it means to hide the satisfaction for them.
Yet I do it all for you. Why? You have never done anything for me. You have never given me love or shown me compassion, but I know you do. And that's good enough for me. That's good enough for me to keep on going on like this, broken all the time to protect you.
If you were hurt, I would fall apart. I know I would. I cannot live without you, yet life would be so much easier if you did not exist. I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to do this.
I wonder if you feel my pain. I feel your happiness, your naivety, your innocence. That is what I'm trying to protect. I don't want them to take that away from you. I never want you to feel the pain that I go through. Everyday.
Your un-knowing eyes are what I live for. I don't want you to be omniscient, that would destroy the purpose of my goals. This artifice is not so helpful, I am breaking apart inside, but I don't know what to do.
They always said you were the protector. They always said you would save me. Where are you now, Zack? Where are you now, brother?
I'm breaking, falling apart. I can't hold on much longer. And you're not there to save me.