DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Resident Evil, it belongs to Capcom. Nor do I own any brand names that happen to pop up. I only own me and the Narrator.

A/N: Ok, everything in italics is the narrator, everything in bold/italic is actually me talking. I hope you all enjoy this complete and total idiocy that is my rip-off of Remake. BTW you will be seeing conversations with me and the narrator several times during the fic. ENJOY!

Chapter IV

A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away…oh wait, wrong script, hold on a second…

There is several minutes of rustling, while our intrepid narrator tries to find the script he is supposed to be reading from. See this is what you get when you pay really low wages. Then again I did tell this guy he was getting a part in the remake of the first Star Wars movie, not some cheap fan fic knockoff of the original Resident Evil game. Plus he hasn't found out yet that is part is extremely small and he only shows up at the beginning and end of every chapter, with the exception of this chapter of course. Ah well, what he don't know won't hurt me.


Oh wait, I think he's ready now…

Chapter I

A not such a long time ago in a small Midwestern town, that really doesn't exist except for the sake of this particular fan fic, there was a mansion…the Spencer Mansion. The Spencer Mansion was a beautiful piece of architecture designed by one George Trevor for a certain Umbrella Founder named Sir Ozwell Spencer.

Now despite being a beautiful piece of architecture the Spencer Mansion was one huge pain in the ass to build and an even bigger pain in the ass to work in, not there is supposed to be anyone there in the first place but we'll get to that later.


The reason the Spencer Mansion was such a pain in the ass to build was because of Sir Ozwell Spencer. Besides being co-discover of the 'Mother Virus', co-founder of Umbrella, and a reasonably intelligent scientist…he' s also a complete and total nutcase. Several employees also claimed he liked to dress in women's clothing but we have been unable to locate these employees to get further information.

Though we really shouldn't put all the blame on Sir Spencer for the way the mansion turned out, I mean we have eyewitnesses that claim to have seen Trevor smoking odd looking red and green herbs during the mansion's construction. This would of course explain why the mansion was built on top of a bunch of tunnels that you have to turn with a crank in order to walk through, why doors can only be unlocked with certain keys that are hidden in strange places, why the there are two elevators and only one ever works, why there is a freaky lion head in a closet, why there are at least a dozen antique typewriters in various rooms for no apparent reason, and why there is only one working bathroom.

Maybe that's why Sir Spencer had Trevor and his family experimented on and later killed, well except Lisa who's still hanging about and begging for scraps from the scientists that aren't supposed to be there working in an underground lab that wasn't built.

I know, I'm confused too.

But this story is not just about a freaky mansion built by a herb junkie and a complete nutcase. This story is also about twelve individuals who will be visiting this beautiful, if somewhat sadistic, piece of architecture. Ok, maybe not twelve. Three of them die before getting there…not to mention…

HEY! Could you like not give away plot points of the story in the opening freaking narration!

Shut-up, I'm just reading the damn script YOU gave me. Sheesh…now what was I saying? Oh yea the nine people that are going to go visit the mansion.

Not far from this mansion, which happens to have been built out in the middle of some spooooooky woods, is that small Midwestern town I was talking about earlier…Raccoon City. You will find many lovely things to see in Raccoon City, including:

Kendo's Gun Shop

The Clock Tower

The Hospital

The Secret Underground Umbrella Labs

But the place were are currently interested in is the R.P.D. Raccoon City Police Department for those of you unfamiliar with the term R.P.D. Now, inside the R.P.D. are the nine people who will be running around the mansion all night. Well except for like two of them that die shortly after arriving, then there's the one that gets shot down in the tunnels, not to mention the guy who takes off in the chopper and leaves everyone to die, and let's not forget the guy who dies saving someone's life. I'm not going to count the guy that dies in the end, since he does run around the mansion for most of the night. Though I suppose he really had that other guy running around for him. In fact, I'm not even sure what that guy, the one who dies in the end, was really doing the whole time he was at the mansion.

Can we please get back on topic?

Oh right, sorry. Anyway, there are like five people that are going to be running around this mansion all night. This is of course not counting the soon-to-be-dead-guys and the guy that takes off in the chopper. All twelve of these individuals, including the -soon-to-be-dead-guys and the guy that takes off in the chopper, work for the Special Tactics and Rescue Service, S.T.A.R.S. for short. Think of them as an elite S.W.A.T. unit only with nicer uniforms and a smaller office.

Do I really have to go through this stupid list? I mean are the dead guys really that important, well soon-to-be-dead-guys…

No talkie, no paycheck…

I hate you…

You and everyone else, now start with the list…but since you bring up a good point, you don't have to worry about the soon-to-be-dead-guys…Richard and Enrico don't count though…

And just who are our intrepid…OH MY GOD… do I really have to call them that!

I'm holding your paycheck over the shredder right now…

That's just wrong you know…

Sucks to be you now doesn't it? Start talking narrator boy!

Deep breaths, happy thoughts…alright as I was saying. And just who are our intrepid…I can't believe I have to say this…heroes?

First we have the Captain of the S.T.A.R.S. team, Albert Wesker. Wesker is intelligent, proficient, no nonsense, cold, treacherous, and has an exceptionally cute…HUH!

Great I get a gig with a fan girl writing the script. Just to think I could have been doing Dell commercials.

That paycheck is getting closer and closer to the shredder…

Yea, yea. Wesker also has one teeny tiny problem, well besides working for Umbrella and being an evil, evil man, he has a slight addiction to hair care products. You know like hair gel and hair spray.

Moving on…

Next on the Alpha Team we have Christopher Redfield. Chris is not too bad looking though he has the slight tendency to laugh stupidly and strike very annoying poses. Just what is his damage you may be asking? He has the IQ of a toaster…and that's a big insult to the toaster.

Next on our list is Jill Valentine. Jill is a strong willed young woman, capable, and the master of unlocking. She also has a few anger management issues and, for some unknown reason, has the hots for Chris.

Fourth on our list is Barry Burton. Barry is the oldest member of the team and resident gun nut. Of course being the resident gun nut is not necessarily a good thing when you can't hit the broad side of a barn and you happen to like shiny objects, or practically any object, a bit too much. He's easily sidetracked.

Then there's Joseph Frost, awe yes, Joseph. Joseph has the minor inconvience of being overly spastic and giggles like a twelve year old girl. Don't worry, he won't last long...though a tad longer than some of those soon-to-be-dead-guys.

Rounding out the Alpha team is Brad Vickers. Brad, unfortunately, is scared of everything. Trees, rocks… pieces of lint. This makes for a lot of screaming at the office.

Next on our list, the Bravo Team. They're just as screwed up as the Alpha Team.

At the top of the list is Enrico Marini. Enrico is second oldest and second in command. He's also has a high squeaky voice, irritating laugh, and the tendency to point out the obvious. His IQ is at least better than Chris' and does indeed range into the double digits.

Next is Richard Aiken. Richard isn't really a bad guy though he appears to have a crush on Chris, God knows why anyone would find that moron attractive.

Third up is the youngest member of the S.T.A.R.S. team, Rebecca Chambers. Rebecca is sweet, unassuming, a bit naive, bubbly, and a kleptomaniac. Watch your personally possessions closely or she'll pocket them in a heartbeat.

Next is Kevin. Kevin has no last name because…well…because he's one of those soon-to-be-dead-guys.

Then there is Forest Speyer aka soon-to-be-dead-guy.

Then there is Kenneth Sullivan aka soon-to-be-dead-guy.

Finally the last S.T.A.R.S. member, Edward Dewy aka soon-to-be-dead-guy.

Now, with the introductions aside, let me just stress how important these people are. I know it's a stretch but work with me here. They are about to walk into a nightmare Umbrella has created, you know in that lab that wasn't built. They are the only thing standing between Umbrella's creatures and the total annihilation of Raccoon City…

Umm…if you happen to live in Raccoon, I'd pack up and move. Like right now…