Her insides were splitting and breaking and coming back together again only to start the process over and fall to little tiny pieces. She loved him. She really loved him and she didn't know what to do. She just couldn't go on without him. She didn't know how to. She couldn't live with this pain. The pain of not knowing if he loved her. The pain of him possibly not loving her. The pain of him thinking she wasn't good enough for him and that she wasn't wanted.
It had all been fine at the beginning. She had been cold and it had been him to offer her warmth. He had come up to her and given her his jumper, hugged her and shared heat. She had felt something new for him in that moment. It had started in her stomach. A new emotion. She didn't understand it at first.
Every time she was around him her legs turned to jelly. Every time his name was mentioned her stomach fluttered. She didn't know what this was so she went to Simon. He was a doctor. He should know.
When she had talked to him he had fussed over her and asked her what was wrong. She had been a lot better since Miranda but her brother still worried. He had asked her what her symptoms were and she had described the butterflies and the weak muscles. He had just laughed at her and kissed her on the head. When she had enquired, rather indignantly, as to why he was laughing at her, he had replied that she had a crush on someone and there was nothing he could do to cure it.
She had been in shock for the next week after he told her. She couldn't have a crush. She was too intelligent to allow herself to fall in love with someone. Love was just a chemical imbalance.
During that week he had been really scared for her well being. He was used to her being around and he had grown to love her too. She didn't know this. However, she was a trained assassin. She must be brave enough to take on a full grown man in love. Right? She was scared. Not that she would admit it. She realised she had the resources available and 'borrowed' some of Inara's books. She had never realised there were so many positions! It was amazing. This didn't help her though she so she had to just go for it.
She made the first move at a bar after a run. Mal had gone off with Inara and Zoë. She didn't know what they would be doing together but she never questioned it. Kaylee and Simon had booked a room as well. Just before he left, Simon kissed her head and slipped her some birth control whilst whispering for her to be careful and if this is what she wanted then to go for it. Kaylee had really made him loosen up.
So she had seduced him. They had had fun. Bath tubs came with the room apparently. After that he had just held her. Kissed her hair and they had fallen asleep. When she woke up in the morning he was still there. Watching her sleep. He though she looked like an angel in her sleep. She would never know but he couldn't believe his luck. He thought she was too good for him. Couldn't believe she had chosen him. He was a dirty worthless and uneducated mercenary. She was a genius and beautiful.
The next few months had continued in much the same fashion. Sure they had had a few ups and downs. Like when he had left his boot polish on the floor and she had tripped over it. He slept on the couch in the mess that night. A bruise emerging on his shoulder in the shape of the polish can. Mostly, though, it had been fun. They were good together. That's what Inara said at least. Until last week that was.
He didn't say I love you back to her. Usually it would be him to whisper it in her ear just before they fell asleep or went on a job. Instead it was her saying it more and more. He said it less and less. He didn't even tell her that he loved her too. He didn't hug her as much. He didn't kiss her. She didn't understand. What had gone wrong? What had she done? Did he just realise that she wasn't worth it. That he could have a much more experienced woman.
She couldn't take the longing, the distance, the fear of them splitting up. She didn't want it to end. She didn't know if they would always be together. Wash and Zoë had proved that nothing was certain in life but she had hoped for longer with him. She liked the feeling of being loved, of loving back. The fun, the warmth. Instead she was scared. Scared it would all end.
In the room above the girl was a man. He was scared of losing her. She had been distant lately, fearful almost. He worried about her. He hoped that she wasn't going to end it with him. He couldn't bear the though of losing her. He wanted to be with her forever. The intensity of his feelings scared him. That's why he had pulled back recently. He didn't want to scare her off by being too possessive of her. He didn't want to smother her. He just wanted to love her. He decided to try and find her.
"What are you doing down here baby?"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do kitten. What made you think I didn't? Is that what you've been so distant over?"
"You haven't told me in 6 days 15 hours and 34 minutes that you love me,"
"Of course I love you baby. I thought you didn't love me. Understandable really. Someone as beautiful as you not wanting someone as old and ugly as me,"
"No! I love you!"
"Come to bed then darling. I love you,"