Gundam SEED isn't mine,
Not a product of my mind.
If it was, I'm sure I'd be,
Rolling around in gold and money.
Save the Day Syndrome
I hate them.
'Hate' is such a strong word, but I'm inclined to use it because it perfectly describes how I feel about people like them. People like Kira Yamato, Lacus Clyne, Athrun Zala and Cagalli Yula Athha. Self-righteous people intent on saving humanity. Insufferable do-gooders committed on ridding the world of evil. They claim to understand humanity. They insist on seeing humanity's so-called non-existent virtuousness.
When in fact, the things they have seen pale in comparison to the things that I have witnessed.
I can safely say that she has lived the best of both worlds. She has never experienced first-hand mankind's evil nature. Her life has always been butterflies and rainbows. She could've continued living it. Her innocence revolts me. It was her choice to plunge headfirst into a war that had never involved her in the first place.
Cagalli Yula Athha.
She was supposed to lead a normal life. Without the burden of her real father's sins holding her back. She turned her back on her life as a princess with servants and the benefits of being a royalty and went to war, its causes and effects unbeknownst to her mind. Her stubborn streak sickens me. It was her choice to join a war that was meant only for those unfortunate enough to be involved.
The son of a very prominent figure, his entrance to the military was not entirely an unexpected one. But for the first few years of his life, he also lived like a normal boy. His mother was a very loving woman and his father, despite what we saw towards the end of the war, was also a dotting one. I am repulsed by his desire to protect. It was his choice that made him join a war that was supposed to be only for adults.
Out of all of them, he was the one whom I expected to at least understand even just a little of why I am the way I am. He led a life of lies, so intricately weaved, to keep him in the shadows regarding the circumstances of his birth. He was born to be perfect. And he was, if I do say so myself. His life was perfect, at any rate. He was pulled into war by chance, but he was given a choice to escape it but he did not. His perfection irritates me. He chose to become a hero in a war that would've fared better without him.
Their lives were mapped from the start. They were meant to live their lives in normalcy but they managed to elude it. Fate had better, bigger plans for them, but they struggled to break free from its grasp. They were allowed to make choices, when others such as myself were bound to remain by Fate's wishes.
They, who were supposed to lead the best lives, chose to throw it away and meddle in affairs meant only for the victims of chance. They just couldn't resist 'sticking their noses where it didn't belong.'
They wanted to save humanity.
Did humanity want to be saved?
Every event, every occurrence in history, points the answer to be a negative. They strive to be better than everybody. Even their so-called goodness is only meant to make them appear the most noble among everyone. Though they see their intents as pure, deep inside, they do those things to be the best of all. Their lives are driven by their greedy ambitions. There are no selfless individuals. Everything they do all contribute to their own benefits.
I am the result of this insatiable greed. Kira Yamato, no matter how 'righteous' he is, is also a product of this.
I, like Kira Yamato, was born to be perfect. But Fate despised me. Why? Kira Yamato was almost the same as I was, why didn't Fate give him a life of strife similar to mine? Because he was a successful experiment? Did Fate despise me because I was a failed one? Because I wasn't perfect?
I am human as well. There is a greed in me, a want that could never be satisfied. My desire to be normal. I want to be normal. Even more, I want to be perfect. But life is all about making do with what Fate has thrown at your feet. And what has Fate thrown at me?
Hatred, cunning, physical skills, and a life that is shortening by the minute.
Between me and the four of them, I wonder, which of us is the epitome of humanity?
I do not want to spend whatever time I have left on useless endeavors such as that of the Clyne Faction's. I have no desire to be a hero, to be known as the man who saved mankind's pitiful existence. Heroism is an act only for those blind enough to see the real truth. Life isn't all about spreading goodwill. No matter what everyone says, life is survival of the fittest.
And Kira Yamato was proof of it, having managed to elude death countless of times.
I didn't think that Fate was such a sucker for superheroes such as him.
I was wrong.
Gil proposed the Destiny Plan to the entire world but he never forced them into it. They had a choice. But Gil is a smart one. He is an expert at manipulating people which rival Rau's own skills. Every event was carefully plotted out to make the whole human race lean towards choosing the right choice.
And they were so close to it.
So close to choosing Destiny take its course.
But of course, hero Kira wouldn't have any of it. He says humans needed to make their own choices. A hypocrite, that's what he is. By doing that, by going against Gil, wasn't he sentencing mankind to its own fate as well?
Did mankind want to be saved?
Even though others would state that my actions would lead to the end of the world, I would beg to differ. It is not mankind that I despise, but Fate. I want to escape its hold on my life, but I know my efforts will all be for naught. My future was plotted out the moment I opened my eyes.
The only thing I want to save is myself.
The only thing that I would willingly play hero for is myself.
Children like me.
Rau was like that as well.
Because I am Rau.
"But that's wrong! There is one and only one life to a life! That's why that life is yours! It's not his!"
I know I shouldn't listen to his words. Protagonists are like that, after all. Always choosing to spout words designed to affect their enemy's psyche. He was only manipulating me. Making me lose my concentration. It shouldn't affect me. I know how his mind games work. I am an expert on it as well.
But… those are precisely the things that I have been waiting to hear subconsciously for all my life.
I was right, just as I thought. Heroes are selfish, as well.
Did I not want to escape my Fate? Did I not want to change it? I was fated to help Gil achieve his goals by any means possible. I was fated to be his loyal right-hand man. I want to change my fate. I never wanted to be a hero. I despised heroes. I want a life of my own. I want to be normal. I hated them because they had something I could never have.
Gil created the Destiny Plan because he wanted to become Fate. He wanted to escape it as well. But… didn't I hate Fate? If Gil became Fate, then he would be the one controlling my life. And then it hit me. I was wrong. Gil had been controlling my life from the start.
You are wrong, Gil.
I am not Rau.
Rau said… that I am Rey.
I swore to return mankind to its true and correct appearance. I realize now, that if I let Gil follow through with his plans to enlighten mankind, there would be no wars and a time of peace and order will reign. But this is not mankind's true appearance. Mankind's true and correct appearance is war, hatred, greed and selfishness. That is what I see man as.
I am not a hero.
But I take my word seriously.
For the first time in my life, someone unwittingly gave me a choice to escape my fate which Gil had termed inescapable. For the first time in my life, I made my own choice. There is no time to explain my actions, because death is just around the corner. Literally speaking.
I'm sorry, Gil.
My fingers, as if on their own accord, pulled the trigger as an indication to my thoughts. And of course, it hit the target precisely. If there was one thing that I was good at, it was target shooting.
I am shocked.
We are all shocked.
Shouldn't I feel happy?
Shouldn't I feel satisfied?
Shouldn't I feel relieved?
But I do not feel these things. Was I wrong, then?
And I cry. Because I do not know how else to act. I am so confused. Did I even have a choice in the matter? Was it my own choice that made me shoot him? Or was it because it was what Fate had planned? What should I have done? Would children like me be created again? Have I condemned my kind? Did I save the world when I never wanted to save it the first place? But then again, what is the ideal world? What is a 'saved' world?
I have no answers.
No one has the answers.
I considered Gil as my hero, because I thought he had the answers. Not that it was a compliment. I despised heroes. Gil fits the criteria of a hero, come to think of it. Selfish, manipulative, and with a desire to save those who did not want to be saved.
Because I killed Gil, and yet I could not find the exact reasons why.
Because he had that familiar look on his face that somehow told me he expected it all along.
Because I still couldn't escape my Fate.
Because I wanted to be saved but no one was there to save me except for myself.
Gil, I'm sorry…
…But… he wishes… for a future.
A future that I thought did not exist.
A future that I was told did not exist.
I still hate them.
Kira Yamato's self-righteous kind. People like him and his friends. I hate them. I hate them because they were so-called heroes and yet they did not save me.
But… they redeemed themselves in front of me today.
Simply by wishing for a future, I'd like to think that they saved me.
Author's Notes: And I said I despised clichés. I am such a hypocrite. A lot of writers seem to be doing their own introspections of Rey's character. Here's my version of 'why-in-God's-green-earth-did-Rey-shoot-Gil-and-then-whined-about-it'. I wrote this at three a.m. not because of insomnia (thank God) but because of a black out. Gods, I'm sweating buckets here. How did I write this? Well, I thank the makers of battery-powered laptops.
Is it confusing? I tend to digress. A lot. And I apologize for that. But comments are very much appreciated, since I love reading about Rey as much as I love writing about him. Do you think it was fairly accurate? Did you guess that Rey was the character right from the beginning? I love being vague because I love making the readers think. And I'd appreciate it if readers make me think… through constructive criticisms, should there be any.
This may or may not be part of 'Biography of the Damned.' I'm still not sure since this is in the first-person point of view, after all. And no matter how tempted I am to switch POV's, I won't since that's where part of the challenge lies.
I am suffering from selective writer's block, meaning I can't seem to continue with my existing work. Heh. Sorry.
For comments and suggestions, 1-800-REVIEW-PLZ-K-THNX.