Disclaimer: Don't own Veronica Mars, never will. sob
Summary: Logan's thought on the kiss (1x18 WoCD), very AU. Warning: much angsty goodness and complete bastardisation of Logan, sorry but the Plot Bunny came to visit and wouldn't quit bugging me until I wrote this.
And for a moment, in her arms, I felt safe. Noone would ever be able to tell, just by looking at me, that I, the infamous Logan Echolls desperately needed something, anything, to anchor me down. A sense of security. I didn't know whether to curse or rejoice the fact that I had just felt it, stronger than anything else in the world, the feeling of Veronica's soft, small body pressed against mine, clinging onto me almost as hard as I was clinging to her. I was hit with wave after wave of emotion, shock, happiness, but most of all, anger. I was angry because I needed this from Veronica Mars, angry that I wanted this from her, and angry that I could never hold onto it.
Sure she might claim she wanted to be with me, she might even claim she cared for me. But one lesson life has taught me, over and over, is that you cannot rely on anyone but yourself. I remember the first book I ever really enjoyed was about this guy named Patrick, and how everything he did, his vision, his dreams, were somehow altered when the human element was added. Something always went wrong when you had to rely on other people. I would not allow myself to get hurt, especially not by a certain annoying, tiny blonde. Who just happened to kiss extremely well.
I didn't want to pull away, but it was going to have to happen sometime. Part of me just didn't want to stop kissing her, another part couldn't bear to see the look disgust that was bound to be on her face, and most confusing, a part of me didn't want to do to her what I knew I had to do. For a brief second all we could do was stare at each other, confusion was plain on her face, as well as something else undefinable. But all too soon reality hit, and there was the expected awkward silence, but before I could break it she was gone, running to her car and speeding out of the Camelot parking lot.
I don't know how long I stared down the road for, but it was nearing sunset when Ben came out of the hotel room and told me to leave. I would have knocked the stupid grin off his face if I wasn't too caught up in how much it had actually hurt that she would run from me like that, oh and also the whole assaulting a federal agent thing being rather illegal.
When I first got in my car I didn't really have a destination in mind, and I only realised I was headed to Veronica's when i turned into her street. I was almost to he front door when it occurred to me that her dad would not provide a very warm welcome, so I walked around the back of her place until her bedroom window came into view. I could see her sitting at her computer, and barely bit back a laugh when I noticed she was wearing the most hilarious, yet strangely adorable, pink pj's I had ever come across. Smiling at the thought of how she would react to being caught wearing said pj's, I knock lightly on her window, silently appreciating the way her hair flicks around as she turns her head quickly in my direction. She looks momentarily shocked, then her eyes bulge as she looks down at herself, then back at me, a look of complete horror on her face. Still, she gets up and opens her window, and to my surprise, moves out of the way so I can climb in. I'm beginning to like the look of her in pink, which may or may not have been aided by her extremely short pyjama shorts and tight singlet top. Damn girl catches me staring.
"Why Logan, I didn't know you were a fan of pink." She does a little twirl, showing off her perfect little body which was making it increasingly difficult for me to think seeing as all my blood was rushing to a certain area of my body. "But seriously, we do have a front door, and if you really wanted me to model my pj's for you, all you had to do was ask extra nice." Her hands we on her hips now, the same place mine had been only hours earlier, and I could not have stopped myself if I tried. I had to touch her again.
When you kiss someone it is always so easy to tell if you have caught them off guard or not, and even to what extent you have shocked them. It's a simple process of noting how long it takes for them to respond. Veronica made a surprisingly quick recovery, and was kissing me back in seconds. And I shocked myself with the flood of relief I felt when she did indeed kiss me back. Bad sign Logan, really bad. Her arms went around my neck, her tiny body slammed into mine so hard I almost stumbled back and she was kissing me so passionately that I almost lost myself in her.
"Ronnie" I whispered the name against her lips, a breathy moan that made her entire body shudder against me. She looked up at me and smiled, a soft genuine smile that I hadn't seen since Lilly died. And for a second I almost felt bad about what I was going to do to her, how I was going to use her.
"So Logan, are you really a fan of pink?" My confusion must have shown on my face because she laughed quietly then continued. "Because you know, I'm not really, and I can think of something else, or might I say, someone else, that would look a whole lot better on me." I couldn't help but smile, she was making this a whole lot easier than I had thought it would be.
When I woke up I found myself staring at green, somewhat blurry, numbers that read 3:02 am. Veronica shifted slightly in my arms, her soft, naked skin brushing against mine and sending bolts of electricity through my body that took all of my willpower to ignore. I slid out of bed and began searching the dark room for my clothes, trying to make as little noise as possible. A confrontation now could result in alerting her trigger happy father, and I really wasn't in the mood for running from an angry Keith tonight. No luck, I heard the distinct rustle of material, then the click of a switch. Light flooded the room, blinding me for a second, once I regained my vision I was met with the pleasing sight of Veronica sitting in bed, the covers pulled up over her chest and her hair messed up from sleep. She was looking at me with an unreadable expression.
"Leaving without saying goodbye? Classy Logan, very classy." She did not sound impressed.
"Yeah V, don't want daddy bursting in during the night, somehow I don't think he would appreciate my presence." She frowned then got out of the bed, pulling the doona around her, and walked over to me.
"So I'll see you later at school then? Or are you going to pretend I don't exist, thinking you can just sneak away during the night and act like nothing happened" God, she just loved giving me the perfect opportunities to get what I want.
"You see Ronnie," I said the name like it was an insult, and mentally cringed when I saw the hurt on her face, but I had to keep going, "this is why it would never have worked between us, you always gotta go accusing me of something. Who would have thought that one day, you might actually get it right for once. Thanks for the great night Pinkie." I winked at her then turned away and climbed out the window. I didn't have to look back to know she was watching me leave, or that there were tears on her face. It was a price we both had to pay. I suffer both physically and emotionally, courtesy of dear old daddy, she is not the only one in pain. Maybe one day she will understand, we gave each other something special tonight, but something that was never meant to last. Being as fucked up as both of us are, something would be bound to happen, there would always be that human element in the way. Hell I even get some sadistic pleasure out of making her hurt, it seemed fitting somehow, like this was how she and I were meant to be. There could never be a relationship with us and although what we did today, what we felt was so real, so strong and so passionate, this could have only ever been a momentary thing.