AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is actually a colaboration. A round robin started on the Teaspoon site by Emmaliza and her sister Jessie Wings, who have graciously given their permission for me to publish thier portions here. I have combined the first three chapters, which are theirs, after which I stepped into the mix, later added and abetted by Tim, who has yet to give permission to reprint his entries. If he does so, I will be adding them later. -- Margaret


CHAPTER ONE -- EMMALIZA'S AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This one was co-written with my sister because she is funnier than I am... but don't tell me so... (This is not true...)


Chapter 1: And the parody begins...

Parody of a Time Lord
Episode One

(WE ARE FLYING THROUGH SPACE. WE SEE A SHIP/CITY-LOOKING THINGOMABOB. WE SEE A BLUE POLICE BOX LAND ON SHIP/CITY THING)

-NEW SCENE-

(A MAN WALKS INTO A LARGE ROOM. HE IS WEARING A STUPID COAT. HE IS THE DOCTOR)

Doctor: Why am I here? Is it a conspiracy by my many enemies to destroy me? It is, ain't it?

(WE SEE A WOMAN. SHE IS THE INQUISITOR. WE CAN'T SEE HER HAIR.)

Inquisitor: Nope. It far more important, and if the author gets her way, it will lead to me storming out a lot.

Doctor: So... What is it? (THE DOCTOR VERY MUCH WANTS TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.)

Inquisitor: You get to spend a season, a whole season, having a TRIAL! Ain't that exciting?

Doctor: Not really... No...

Inquisitor:( damn it.

(WE SEE A MAN DRESSED IN BLACK. WE ALSO CAN'T SEE HIS HAIR. NOT THAT THAT'S OF ANY IMPORTANCE. HE IS THE VALEYARD.)

Valeyard: Whatever. I'm the odd prosecution, of which you shall never remember the name of, and fight with until we drive the Inquisitor mad! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Doctor: XD Alright...

Inquisitor: (THE INQUISITOR IS SUDDENLY SCARED.) Maybe we should get on with the actual trial?

Valeyard: Oh yeah... (THE VALEYARD PICKS UP A REMOTE. HE PRESSES THE PLAY BUTTON.)

(A VIDEO STARTS. VIDEO SHOWS THE DOCTOR AND PERI WALKING IN A RATHER BARE FOREST. IT'S RAINING. I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT'S IMPORTANT OR NOT. UM...)

Peri: Doctor, it's raining. I don't like rain. Why are we in November Earth anyway?
Doctor: 1: I don't care if you like rain, I like it so HA, ƃ2: We're not on November Earth. We're on Ravalox, which is really Earth, but we're not supposed to know that yet so, shhhhhhh.

Peri: Oo

Doctor: XDDD

Peri: Are we on November Ravalox?

Doctor: Yes.

Peri: And Ravalox is Earth?

Doctor: Yes.

Peri: So we're on November Earth?

Doctor: No.

Peri: ...why not?

Doctor: Because we don't know it's Earth yet! D

Peri: ... You do...

Doctor: X( Shut up.

Peri: HOMIGAWD YOU SAID "SHUT UP" I AM SO HAPPY. :o)

Doctor: ...?

Peri:9

Doctor: ...I never knew you had a mustache...

Peri: Oh yeah. :9

(WE ARE BACK IN CORTROOM. GOOD THING TOO. I GUESS MY SISTER IS CRAZY TOO)

Doctor: ... What the...?

Inquisitor: How should we know?

Valeyard: Don't you just love my evidence:P

(WE RETURN TO THE COURTROOM)

Valeyard: Hahahahahahahaha...

Doctor & Inquisitor: oO
Valeyard: Um.

Inquisitor: Valeyard, if you don't have any actual evidence I am going to have to fire you...

Doctor: ...who's the back-up valeyard?

Inquisitor: K9.

Doctor: O Why?

Inquisitor: ... Um. I have no idea.

Doctor: I want K9 as my prosecutor:(

Inquisitor: ...Why?

Doctor: 'Cause he'll go easy on me. D

Inquisitor: Er. That is not a valid reason...

Doctor: ( K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9!

Valeyard: K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9!

Inquisitor: Are you resigning, Valeyard?

Valeyard: No.

Inquisitor: Then why did you chant "K9!"?

Valeyard: It's a cool name. (

(COURTROOM)

Inquisitor: ARGH NO I GIVE UP YOU STUPID TIME LORDS.

(THE SCENE FADES TO BLACK.)


CHAPTER 2 -- EMMALIZA'S AUTHOR'S NOTES:

XDDD This one was fully written by me... Also, don't lsten to the author's note last chapter, Jess was writing that.


Parody of a Time Lord
Episode Two.

Doctor: Um... What did we do?

Inquisitor: (THE INQUISITOR IS HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN.)

ARHFARKDSYGFGHFZVFJHGJGHHFDKJHFBHZ- FBHBDZKBHDFJAKDVGAAGKKE!

Valeyard: Um... What do we do now?

Doctor: I dunno... Maybe the author should add "Valeyard" to her computer's dictionary.

Author: Good Idea. (THE AUTHOR DOES THAT. OR SO SHE WILL ONCE SHE'S FINNISHED TYPING THIS ACTION.)

Doctor: ... Who the hell are you? Where are you from?

Author: ZOMG STALKER! (THE AUTHOR SPAZZES OUT)

Inquisitor: (THE INQUISITOR HAS RECOVERED FROM HER MENTAL BREAKDOWN.) Uh... Continuing on?

(EVIDENCE)

(WE SEE A MIDDLE AGED MAN. HE'S GLITZ. HE'S SINGING. WHY I DO NOT KNOW. JUST... ROLL WITH IT, 'KAY?)

Glitz: I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken ho-

(WE SEE A YOUNGER MAN. THIS IS DIBBER. WHAT KIND OF A PARENT NAMES THEY'RE KID "DIBBER" ANYWAY?)

Dibber: Yeah, I've heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Glitz: B-b-but... I want to sing my song!

Dibber: BUT I HATE IT!

Glitz: And I hate competition.

Dibber: Oo What does that have to do with anything?

Glitz: (GLITZ IS SINGING AGAIN.) I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home.

Dibber: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (DIBBER COLAPPES, AND DIES TO THE BEST OF MY KNOLEDGE, BUT THAT'S DOUBTFUL SO... YEAH. DON'T LISTEN TO ME PEOPLES!)

(BACK IN THE COURTROOM)

Valeyard: Poor Dibber.

Inquisitor: FINALLY! ONE OF YOU SAID SOMETHING SANE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEEE!

Author: (THE AUTHOR DRAGS THE INQUISITOR TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD THOSE ON GALLIFREY. YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY.)

Valeyard: Now what do we do?

Doctor: I don't know.

(THE INQUISITOR HAS ESCAPED FROM HER MENTAL INSTITUTION. HOW I DO NOT KNOW. DOES IT REALLY MATTER?)

Inquisitor: Continuing on...

(NEW SCENE IN EVIDENCE)

(THE DOCTOR AND PERI ARE RUNNING THROUGH A CAVE)

Peri: ZOMG there's a sign that says "Marble Arch" I've got to be sad now D: (PERI CRIES)

Doctor: Shuddup Peri, I'm trying to find something suspicious so this adventure will be slightly entertaining.

Peri: (PERI IS STILL CRYING)

Doctor: Peri!

Peri: (PERI IS STILL CRYING)

Doctor: Cry-baby.

Peri: I AM NOT!

Doctor: XP You are.

Peri:-(

(BACK IN THE COURTROOM)

Inquisitor: What the hell is wrong with you & Peri?

Doctor: I don't know. I've got amnesia.

Valeyard: Oo You have?

Doctor: ... Yes.


CHAPTER 2 -- JESSIE WINGS' AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Yes, I am back... to add a chapter of my own! D In my own account! (is Emma's sister)


Chapter 3: Headpoundingonkeyboard Inquisitor: ...

Doctor: Um.

Inquisitor: Sorry.

Doctor: ...?

Inquisitor: I've got the funniest feeling that—

Valeyard: I LOVE BLACK LOOK AT MY COOL OUTFIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Doctor & Inquisitor: ...

Doctor: It's ugly.

Valeyard: ( Zomg bully.

Doctor: I AM NOT A BULLY YOU STUPID VILLAIN.

Valeyard: ...? Yes you are...

Doctor: Prove it.

(WE CUT TO THE EVIDENCE)

Peri: ( Zomg bully.

(WE CUT TO THE COURTROOM)

Doctor: Um. Ah.

Valeyard: 3

Inquisitor: I have the funniest feeling that that's the best piece of evidence we've seen so far...
Valeyard: D So my job is saved?

Inquisitor: ...yes.

Valeyard: D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D

Inquisitor: Hm.

Doctor: I want K9...

Valeyard: Zomg bully. TT

Doctor: I AM NOT A BULLY.

Valeyard: Yes you are...

Doctor: Prove it.

(WE CUT TO ANOTHER PIECE OF EVIDENCE, THIS TIME SET ON A CORRIDOR ON A PASSENGER SPACE SHIP)

Mel: ( Zomg bully.

(WE CUT TO THE COURTROOM)

Doctor: ...who?

Valeyard: You forgot your own companion's name? D

Doctor: I've never met her before...

Valeyard: SEE HOW CARELESS HE IS! ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

Inquisitor: Er. Okay.

Doctor: XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP

Valeyard: Bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully...

Doctor: I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you—

Inquisitor: ZAH SHUT UP.

Doctor: Zah...?

Valeyard: ZOMG ZAH. 3333333

Doctor: Do you know what it means?

Valeyard: ...no...

Doctor: I see. Inquisitor?

Inquisitor: It means you are all lunatics trying to drive me MAD.

Doctor: Er. I think the author wants us to...

Inquisitor: D Nuuuu!

Doctor: I know.

Inquisitor: I DO NOT WANT TO GO MAD.

Doctor: Nor do most people, I believe...

Valeyard: ZOMG PEOPLE. 33333333333333333 That's nearly as good as... peoples... 3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Doctor: ARGH NO NOT BAD GRAMMAR!

Valeyard: ...?

Doctor: JUYKNUIMKJD GUJIU AR YJTRS YRUIN FD TAERH U KER KLIUHGDF JKTFVD FNYHSA JNU JHE HYYHHT HGFHBUYHGSDRBJ FYBYTF TTY GRE

Inquisitor: Oh, I see! You would like the Valeyard to attend English classes and have K9 run your case in the meantime!

Doctor: O You can speak Headpoundingonkeyboard?

Inquisitor: Of course. It was my best subject.

Doctor: D Mine too!

Valeyard: ...I failed it... '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '(

Doctor: ...That explains a lot...

Valeyard: I only passed it with 51 on the second attempt...

Doctor: Zomg, me too! Only... with every other class... ?

Inquisitor: Wait a minute. I was reading the script and—

Doctor: O There's a script?

Inquisitor: Yes.

Doctor: CONSPIRACY!

Valeyard: CONSPIRACY!

Doctor: ...

Valeyard: ... It's nearly as good as pirate...

Inquisitor: UNYBHVRSTU JRT UNKVTR HTY KNHLJHG OIJ GFHGA T HNLINFD YHDRVWS G HU HTR IKGF GTR SG AREUJMKNBFD BYEA TFG JUGD FYHGW JH MUJE YBRRWEC GYYMIGFX RTDYTGF RFAREDFG TY

Doctor: Oh, I see. You're wondering how the Valeyard got employed in the first place...

Valeyard: I offed all the other candidates.

Inquisitor: It's a good thing I don't understand that Earth expression, or else I'd probably have to fire you.

Valeyard: ...then I can off all the candidates again...

Inquisitor?

Doctor: Zomg nu K9! '(

Valeyard: K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9!

Inquisitor: JYM G JUY HTRIKUYH IP LG JY JH ATA RJYUK SF YNUN AKL JBGR TGAJM YLM NFD TRTFGJMI YGATFJ GHUK NAE Y NS IMLIJNB TTYHMNARU JMN T

Valeyard: Erm. "We have been waiting for the train at Caulfield station for seven minutes now"?

Inquisitor: No.

Valeyard: Um.

Inquisitor: I would like you to continue with the evidence.

Valeyard: OH COOL. D

(WE HEAD BACK TO THE EVIDENCE. DOCTOR AND PERI ARE EXAMINING THE "MARBLE ARCH" SIGNY THING...)

Peri: I love kittens. 3333333333333333

Doctor: That was random...

Peri: I don't know if you've noticed, Doctor, but I am random.

Doctor?

Peri: Well, think about my name. How random is "Perpugilliam"?

Doctor: It's not as long as Romanadvoratrelundar...

Peri: OO That's random...

Doctor: Actually it's an ancient Gallifreyan name...

Peri: Same difference...

Doctor: Actually there's quite a large difference.

Peri: But all ancient Gallifreyan names are random...

Doctor: I sure am glad no Gallifreyan except I heard that...

(BACK IN THE COURTROOM)

Inquisitor: ZOMG SHE INSULTS GALLIFREYAN NAMES!

Valeyard: I love kittens... 3333333333333

Doctor: That was random...

Valeyard: I don't know if you've noticed, Doctor, but I am random.

Doctor: I'm feeling a wave of deja vu coming on...

Inquisitor: JYTBJY HGI TRJKTYT BTGQ KJM LY HG GER HARE UJYGF GTRIKIKJTRT FBYU JT IKT YATRY HYT IKIJHTR JAEY GNM UJHSTR UJTR UTR Y RH WTH UJH U

Valeyard: You hate kittens? D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D

Inquisitor: No.

Doctor: She called lunch break.

Valeyard: But it's three a.m...

Doctor: Is it?

Valeyard: ...I don't know...

Inquisitor: Actually there's no time here because we're on a spaceship...

Doctor: Good point...

Valeyard: ZOMG POINTY! D I love injections... 33333333333333333

Doctor: Interesting.

Inquisitor: Exceedingly.

Valeyard: Let's sing the injections song!

Doctor & Inquisitor: ...

Valeyard: Injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool—

Inquisitor: KYTBYH DUYNH YTJTR HDYUJSRT KJTR KJSRET JNBR JREK HYTKJSRTIKYT YHYT YHSJ RE UKGIK MHGF TSR T YTJH KMN JMNGF JMF TNSRD RA STHGJKJNBJM IOKJNBHBDF FDXF UJMHBV G BGVCTGRTYHJNYU H KIJB JMNTFUJHSTR YHAG S KNUY LM NIK MH GF FGVCGHNKIUJHHBTGHHARFCB GHJHR EGH KMNTKNBRE HBVE UJNFD JHGF KIJYG ZDFC RFRFC UYHNBVGJY JNBV NB HV RTGVBTHG YHNB UIJN UIJKMNHBV TGF GRTFGB GHFNNTYHJ NTY HJNRTGFNB BJYHMNG B KJNGBNKUJMHNG NYJHMCGNF BN KJ HNGFH B KJGN J NG HBTJ

Valeyard: ...what did she say?

Doctor: It vaguely translates as, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH".

Valeyard: ZOMG I LOVE SCREAMING.

Doctor: ...I see...

Inquisitor: LUNCHBREAK! LUUUUUUUUUUUNCHBREEEEEAK! D

Valeyard: I love lunch too...

(AND SO OUR THREE COURTROOM WEIRDOS LEAVE TO HAVE LUNCH.)