AUTHOR'S NOTE: At the risk of offending the people who love the show, I have never been able to sit through a single episode of "American Idol." Not even when one of the contestants was from my hometown.


SIMON SAYS "AAAAAGH!" by Margaret Price

THE MASTER ENTERS THE COURTROOM, PULLS OUT HIS TCE AND BLASTS SIMON.

EVERY KNOWN CONTESTANT OF AMERICAN IDOL ERUPTS INTO WILD APPLAUSE.

THE MASTER TAKES A BOW.

MASTER: Somebody had to do it. Everyone knows that I look better in black than anyone.

DOCTOR: For once, I approve of you actions.

MASTER: He was starting to give evil a bad name.

VALEYARD: Is that possible?

MASTER: Have you ever seen "American Idol?"

VALEYARD: I don't watch that wank.

DOCTOR: At least you've retained some taste as a future version of me.

VALEYARD: You're not supposed to know that yet.

DOCTOR: (Holds up cheap cardboard imitation of the TARDIS) I've already watched the videos. Very enlightening.

VALEYARD: That's cheating!

MASTER: Doctor, I'm suitably impressed.

DOCTOR: Thank you.

MEL: So what next?

DOCTOR: I suggest we skip over the boring bits and get to best part.

INQUISITOR: There's a best part?

DOCTOR: (considers) I'm sure there must be one somewhere. Perhaps we can fast forward through the—

GLITZ RETURNS TO THE COURTROOM

GLITZ: Are you lot still at it?

INQUISITOR: We'll never get this finished with all these interruptions.

GLITZ: It's almost ten o'clock, y'know?

THERE IS A COLLECTIVE GROAN FROM ALL PRESENT

THE DONALD: What difference does that make?

DOCTOR: The BBC turns the lights off at ten o'clock whether we've finished or not.

THE DONALD: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

DOCTOR: That's low budget television for you.

THE DONALD: Then how about dinner? My treat.

INQUISITOR: Court is adjourned until someone can figure out how to get this story back on track.

EVERYONE EXITS THE COURTROOM TO SEE IF THEY CAN MAX OUT THE DONALD'S VISA CARD.

-- END WHATEVER DAY THIS IS –