Mario and the Beanstalk
*Mario, Peach, etc. are ©Nintendo.
One day, Mario was coming home from a job fixing the king's Jacuzzi, when he ran into a mysterious Shyguy.
"Psst," the Shyguy hissed.
"What?" Mario replied.
"You wanna buy some high-quality magic beans?"
"No," Mario said.
"Well, I'll tell ya what," he persisted. "I'll knock it down to only 100 coins. Whaddaya say?"
Mario had just been paid that exact sum for his job. "What do they do?" he asked him.
"They they're magic, okay? I promise you, these are the only ones in the entire land."
"Well, okay," Mario said, digging the cash out of his overall pockets.
"Awright!" The Shyguy threw his bag of beans at Mario and ran off with the coins.
By and by, Mario got home. When Luigi found out he had wasted his whole day's wages on a dumb bag of beans, he threw them out the window. Then they went to sleep.
When they woke up, there was a huge vine in the yard, stretching all the way up to the clouds.
"Boy, that Miracle-Gro sure works wonders!" Luigi said, getting out his gardening tools.
"Hey, I bet you could see Brooklyn from up there," Mario commented, looking up into the sky. "I'm gonna climb up and see."
"Go for it," Luigi said. "Just don't blame me when you fall and kill yourself."
So Mario started up the vine.
It took about an hour and 52 minutes, but when he got to the top, he saw a gigantic castle with a neon sign saying "Showgirls." Oh, wait nevermind the neon sign, but you can imagine what it would be like. I know I can. Anyway, it had a flag with a crown on it, okay? Better? All right.
Mario got out his Geiger counter to check for radiation. There was none, so he started out for the castle.
When he got there, he couldn't find a way to open the 300-foot tall door. He decided to try and ram it. WHAM! Nothing. Why wouldn't it open? He tried the handle, but found he couldn't reach it. Finally, he used Earthworm Jim's Pocket Rocket and varoomed through the keyhole at 400 bajillion miles an hour.
When he landed on the other side (which was rather messy), he saw a huge table. He shimmied up the legs and found it was set with lots of good pasta, giant-sized. Of course, Mario, being a die-hard Italian, had a field day. He was just on his 17th bowl of Minestrone when he heard a thud, thud, thud.
"FEE, FI, FOE, FUM! I SMELL THE MOLD OF PLUMBER SCUM!" A booming voice said. Mario hid behind a gargantuan salt shaker and watched as a HUMONGOUS King Koopa hove into view.
"HEY! SOMEBODY ATE MY LUNCH! WAIT'LL I GET MY MITTS ON THE FUNGUS FACE!"
Mario had just decided he was through with his meal, when he heard beautiful singing from the other room.
"NOT NOW, PEACH! I'M TOO ANGRY."
Just then, Mario had an idea. He pulled out his invisibility cap that he always carried with him and put it on. He hopped out in plain sight, and Koopa didn't see him. Great! He jumped off the giant table and ran to the other room as Koopa searched for an intruder that wasn't there.
Meanwhile, André was baking a fruit pie.
Anyway, Mario got to the next room to find it was the bedroom. There was a huge bed, and a huge chair, and a huge lava lamp on a huge bedside table. Next to it was a girl in a pink dress with a crown on her head. Alas, she had been turned into a harp
"Peach!" Mario exclaimed. "What are you doing here, and why do you have a piece of bowed metal and strings growing out of your back?"
"Never mind that, Mario," she whispered. "Get me out of here!"
Mario jumped on a nearby ottoman and bounced up to the table. He grabbed Princess Peach by the hand, jumped down and ran for the door.
Unfortunately, he had forgotten Koopa. He heard them and turned around.
"HEY! That's my princess-turned-into-a-harp!"
"Not anymore," Mario said, firing up his '57 Bel Air. He what? Oh, yeah. He sold that for a new pressure cooker/tanning bed. Well, he did have a pair of rollerblades, so he jumped in those and raced toward the front door, carrying the Princess Toadstool harp in his arms.
He got to the door and remembered something: it was still closed. He wasn't sure how he could get it open. So he looked around. Nearby was a row of those conveniently placed "?" blocks. He ran over and bashed them with his fist. As he had hoped, out popped a few coins and a Fire Flower. He grabbed it and ran for the door.
Now Koopa (whom was standing there watching all this) realized Mario now actually had a chance of escape. He ran towards them, but he was too late. Mario shot a fireball into the door and burned a hole big enough for the two to get through. They did so, leaving Koopa to crash into the door.
"OW! My cabesa! I'll get you, you plumber!"
Mario just laughed and carried the harp down the vine to the ground far below.
When he got there, he saw Luigi was having lunch with the Princess. They were talking-
Wait a second.
Mario looked from Princess to Princess, then threw the harp down.
"Who are you really?"
"I'm a clone of the Princess," she said. "I was created to be her stunt double. Remember all those times she's been dangled over pits of lava, fed dangerously close to a buzz saw, forced to listen to country music?"
"Yeah," he said, taking off his cap and scratching his head.
"Me," she said. "Just doing my job."
"Oh." He stood there a minute, letting it sink in. "Wanna get a burger?"
"Sure, I'm starved. Though I would rather have Italian"
"Hey, me too!" And they walked off to Mushroom Plaza, where they had the best Chicken Alfredo in the all the lands.