A/N: I know this took a phenomenally long time, so I'm sorry about that. / But on the bright side, here it is, all finished! And I've got a new story coming soon, though not a Marauder Era one. It's going to be the story of the Goblet of Fire with Angelina as the Hogwarts champion. Should be interesting. : )

Also, as a quick sidenote: if you go to my profile and click homepage (or website...whatever that link says!) you'll be taken to my LJ, which is where I'll be doing reviewer replies for this upcoming story, as well as giving news and maybe even sneak peeks, depending on interest. I've always wanted to be able to do reviewer replies. :D So if you're interested you can check that out.

And now without further ado, the Scientific Report of Sirius Black. : )

The Scientific Report of Sirius Black, Filed With Himself on the 28th of November

I believe it is time I brought these scientific musings to a close. What with my remarkably accurate hypotheses and stunning good looks, I'm sure they will be forever remembered and idolized by posterity. But wait, you desperate fans are crying, you can't leave us now! What about Prongs' date? What about Lily's state of shock? Did she slap him silly? End up in the hospital wing?

No, in fact, she got some Butterbeer with him in the Three Broomsticks, and they have plans to do it again next weekend.

Padfoot your stunning good looks aren't exactly evident through "scientific" reports.

Ah, but you do admit I have them.


You just --


Moony, this is a monumental announcement I have to make -- you're not making any sense.

I've given up on that. It was a losing battle anyway, spending as much time as I do with you and James.

Good lord. Prongs, I think Moony's finally gone round the bend!

It will be noted here for the record that I yelled this last bit as well as wrote it on the parchment, and Prongs simply grinned and said something about the adorable bend in that one strand of Lily's hair that comes out of its bun sometimes.

Not just one, but two Marauders have succumbed to insanity.

I see nothing to do but join them.

However before I do so, I must draw my scientific conclusions, as is befitting a solemn, somber, serious, and seriously good looking scientist such as myself.


Merlin's beard Padfoot, when some poor first year finds this, years hence --

He shall aspire to become like me and all of Hogwarts will honor him as is befitting his lofty and worthwhile ambitions.

Oh hell Moony that's more of your vocabulary.

Trust me, I've never said that. That was all yours.

Damn it.

Situation and Problem

Situation: For the past six and a third years, Mr. James Potter, alias Prongs, alias hopelessly and ridiculously in love prat, had been inquiring as to Miss. Lily Evans' frame of mind regarding their sharing a Butterbeer in Hogsmeade. For the past six and a third years, Miss. Lily Evans had been declining. Violently. There were numerous memorable incidents, including the Lake Incident, the Giant Squid Incident, (those two incidents were rather intimately related), the Snivellus Snape Incident (a rather recurring incident), the Charms Homework Incident, the Overdue Library Book Incident, the Green Hair Incident (it matched her eyes quite well really) --

Sirius that was you, not James.

Was it really? And here I've been attributing it to Jamsie-Poo all these years.

I don't really ask much of you Sirius. I let you copy my notes. I don't dock points from you half of the times I should. I never told that Ravenclaw girl what happened to her favorite pair of socks. But if you ever, ever say Jamsie-Poo again --

Right. Got it. Drawing the line.


Moving on, there was, to finish, the Bright Yellow Singing and Exploding Flower Incident (one of the more memorable, I must admit). And after all these, there was finally an incident instigated by Miss. Lily Evans herself -- the Humongous Head Incident, one that shall be remembered forevermore in Hogwarts lore.

You're rhyming.

Shut up Moony, or I'll say it again.

I swear to Merlin Padfoot --

Right. Line's been drawn.

Anyway, back to the Situation, which I'm afraid got a bit lost against reminisces of the halcyon days of yore, after the Humongous Head Incident, Mr. James Potter spent a three days straight in the library and I narrowly escaped a sad death by explosion.

Sirius --

I'm explaining the situation Remus! Stop stealing the parchment!

I just want to set the record straight, if we're going to have a record.

Go write your own record!

In the interests of this record, Padfoot just stuck out his tongue. Mature.

Why thank you!

Now, the Situation. Merlin Moony, stop interrupting my highly scientific recording.

Actually, I suppose that is the entire situation. So.

The Problem: Well, rather obviously, Mr. James Potter's head was about three times the size it ought to have been, and while this was amusing, and an excellent icebreaker at parties, it was, one imagines, getting just a tad annoying for the aforementioned Mr. Potter. So.

Materials and Procedure


-- one literally swell-headed James Potter

-- one bemused and irritated Lily Evans

-- several hundred fascinated onlookers

-- one dashing, handsome, charming, witty, and extremely perceptive best friend, otherwise known as Sirius Black


1. Have Mr. Potter walk over to Miss. Evans as she serves herself porridge.

2. Have her say something along the lines of, "Honestly Potter, I think this rather suits you."

3. Have a dejected and rather humiliated James admit that he cannot deflate his head, for all his trying. Have him add something about her amazing skill with Engorgement Charms. Poor smitten sod.

4. Have aforementioned dashing, handsome, charming, witty, and extremely perceptive friend say, "For Merlin's sake Evans he's spent three days straight in the bloody library!"

5. Have Lily gape, open-mouthed. Have her drop her porridge spoon onto the table. Have her point a rather shaky finger. Have her say, "James? Spent three days in the library?"

6. Have the dashing, handsome, charming, witty, and extremely perceptive friend press his advantage by remarking, "Studying no less. Researching. Wouldn't bloody well stop for three days!"

7. Have Lily stare for a few more seconds and then mutter something to herself about maturity, responsibility, and an actual attention span.

8. Have James look vaguely hopeful and say, "I say, Evans, come to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday?"

9. Have Lily stare, something she is becoming rather adept at (adept? I'm going to throttle Moony when I'm done writing this highly scientific report).

10. Have her say, quite weakly, "Oh alright Potter."

11. Perform a dance of glee.

Conclusion and Notes


It is rather obvious at this point that James and Lily, however odd it is, are, at least for the moment, coupled. That is to say, they've somehow managed to not kill each other. Yet. It's really a far more impressive feat on Lily's part. On James' part the daunting task is not falling all over himself when she's in the immediate vicinity. Sad that a Marauder should fall so far.

Oh well. Inevitable I suppose. It'll be Moony next.

I highly doubt it.

A true Marauder Moony.

Wish it'd be me next.

Keep dreaming Wormtail.


Right. Sorry. That Hufflepuff girl doesn't hate you or think you're a complete twat you know. That's a step in the right direction, as long as you don't get stuck in that knight's armor again.


And don't forget the all-important acronym.

I already have.

Hell. So have I. Did you write it down Moony?

Padfoot, why in the name of all things good, holy, and chocolate, would I write down your ridiculous acronym?

I don't know. You seem to write down everything else.

What are we talking about?

James! Prongsie! Jamsie --


Right, right.


Wormtail, what are you talking about?

Acronyms. We're talking about acronyms. James asked.

Right. Um. Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Every Good Boy Does Fine.

Just A Minute, Elation Seems Prominent. Oh The Terrific Enigmatic Ravishing Helpful Adorable Sweet Admirable Darling Amiable Tremendous Enviable Wondrous Incredible Tall Honorable Lily Is Lovely You...Understand?

Prongs, with all due respect, you frighten me.

What does that SAY?

James Potter has a date with Lily...u. You know, if you'd said "yes" instead of you, it would have actually worked.

I'm afraid that implies there's some question about the matter Moony. Unacceptable.

Right. Let's go find a Smelly Nasty Awful Putrid Evil student and think of something creative to suspend him from.

If you two take this even one step to far Padfoot...

Oh relax Moony. It's us! You've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

I'm going to go lie down in my bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend you don't exist.

Brilliant. Glad we both have a plan.

A/N: Love it? Hate it? Still dizzy from that frighteningly long acronym (I am)? Tell me all about it! Please let me know what you thought of the story. And thanks so much to everybody who's reviewed. This is the most reviews I've ever received for a story, and they've often made my day. Thank you so much. : )