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The Very Best of Badphics

Chapter 11: The X-over

Erik was sat sitting in his cave below the opera house, plotting a plan to make Christine his. He had just returned from the Masquerade ball, having managed to freak out everyone out, steal some blinging jewellery and got a good grope of Christine's breasts. Not a bad night in all.

Speaking of which – where was the ring?

Suddenly Erik was quite alarmed by a small grey creature slithering under the table, clutching the ring in his grimy little fish hands.

"My preciousss…."

"No, my bling. Give it." Erik said, decidedly miffed, and was still further miffed by two tiny men falling into the room.

"Sméagol! That's not the one ring!" Cried one, with strangely wide eyes. They were followed by a young fellow with flowing blonde hair, a dumpy little guy with an axe and a sexily sweaty man wielding a sword.

Aragorn stared at Erik. Erik stared back. Slowly they began to move towards each other, pulsing with desire-

Oh, sorry! That's a different story. Heh.

"What are you all doing in my lair?" Erik demanded. The blonde-haired poof looked around, astonished.

"You mean this isn't Mordor?"

"Accio Ring!"

For no apparent reason other than to move the plot along slightly three young people appeared out of nowhere. One had a lightening shaped scar, one had frizzy hair and one was ginger. The ring flew from Gollum's trout scented fingers and Harry Potter caught it.

"Ah ha! Yet another Horcrux! Surely this will add excitement that really boring part in the seventh book where we do nothing but camp for months!"

"You go, Harry!" cried Ron Weasley, excited that as a sidekick he was getting a line.

Erik had gone beyond miffed into the stage of moffed. Two of the tiny men were rifling through his kitchen cupboard, the grey one known as 'Sméagol' was in the lake, the dwarf had put his stinking feet on Erik's favourite leather chair and the elf was leaving blonde hairs everywhere – the exact reason why Erik didn't want a pet.

Meanwhile the three magical kids were examining the ring.

"You know, Harry, it is my pompous and overbearing opinion that this is, in fact, not a horcrux at all." Said Hermione. Ron was about to speak again when the door was thrown open and a drunk pirate entered, followed by a stick insect and a lad who looked strangely like blonde elf but with dark hair instead.

"Savvy?" Said the drunk pirate hopefully. As Erik was not entirely sure what this meant he chose to ignore the new arrivals and turned his attention the ring-stealing brats.

"That is my ring!"

"Oh, is it? Terribly sorry." Harry said, tossing it back to him. Hermione nodded approvingly.

"You have rather nice taste in jewellery."

"Well… I didn't choose it. I sort of… stole it… anyway, get out. How did you get here in the first place?" Erik demanded, kicking Gimli out of his chair. Hermione cleared her throat.

"With the use of a time-turner and an unsteady set of stairs that we inconveniently fell down whilst wearing the one time-turner between us we-"

"Savvy rum!" shouted the pirate. Erik punched him and the stick insect pouted incredulously before carrying the pirate out, followed by the pretty boy.

Sméagol climbed out of the lake and dove for the ring, biting off one of Harry's finger as he went. Frodo's eyes widened further.

"No, Sméagol! Don't do that!" He cried, on the edge of tears. His fat friend took over and kicked Sméagol in the ribs, which did nothing except piss of Gollum and make Frodo cry.

Aragorn had had enough.

"That's it! Sméagol, take us to Mordor!"

But just to put the icing on poor Erik's cake, the lair turned itself upside down. Literally. Hermione looked puzzled.

"I think we'd better get out of here." Ron opened his mouth, no doubt to make some wise-crack but they all apparated, leaving Erik and the Fellowship of the Ring to stand on the ceiling unhappily. Erik especially so. It was simply unreasonable for him to think of a wonderful plan with these oafs trampling all over his lair! And whoever had turned it upside down was going to be VERY sorry…

"Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you!" Cried a man below them with excessively large hair. The girl before him looked thoroughly confused at the change of scenery and once the man had looked around he paused.

"Wait… this isn't right." He glanced up at them and sighed. With a wave of his hand they were right-way-upped. Sarah looked at Jareth.

"What's going on?"

"Hold on, I've lost my place." He stepped back and every man in the room looked away as his tights bulged. Hermione hit puberty and apparated back into the room.

After a moment of muttering Jareth cleared his throat.

"Ah yes – I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave." He looked at her imploringly. Erik perked up and grabbed a piece of parchment.

"Wait, what was that? That was pretty good."

"Oh, for-! One cannot seduce underage women with an audience!" Jareth threw a crystal ball into the air and he and Sarah vanished. Disappointed, Hermione disappeared again.

The fellowship looked around. Aragorn cleared his throat.

"Well… I'm not really sure what happened here. Perhaps we should be on our way."

"If you wouldn't mind terribly. And take your fish man with you." Erik said snidely, waving a hand at Gollum. As they trekked out, Erik sat down at his desk and began to write a song that he might be able to seduce Christine with.

Just outside his door a girl with garishly red shoes and a yappy dog looked doubtfully around.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." She said to her companion, Luke Skywalker.

A/N: God only knows what happened there. It was just a sort of 'lets put in every character from everything ever!' Hopefully it amused.

Lol, I'm surprised that nobody yelled at me about the alcohol thing! I also found it deeply disturbing that I expected to be reprimanded for that when there are fourteen year old writers adding random rape and parental abuse into their stories like it's the most acceptable thing in the world.

Anyway, any ideas for the next chapter? I'm officially out of ideas!