Know Your Stars Stargate SG-1

Summary: This is what happens when someone who has never really watched more than forty-five minutes of SG-1 decides to write Stargate fanfiction. She decides to combine the All That skit 'Know your Stars' and SG-1 and runs wild. But don't worry, I'm starting to watch the show more and I have friends to help me

Disclaimer: My, this is an occasion. You know that bitter taste in your throat; it's kind of wrapped around your uvula, that'd be what's left of your pride- O'Neill.

Dedication: I would like to thank anyone who reads this. I'm sorry world.

Victim One: Anubis Part One

Anubis is wandering around aimlessly- well okay what does he do when he's not being evil, crochet? Okay let's say that Anubis is crocheting a lovely afghan when a hole forms underneath his rear end and the most evilest guy around is plopped down in a chair. (Yes I know that he really doesn't have a body but work with me okay?)

"What the (Bleep) ? Who the (Bleep) is responsible for this?" Anubis is struggling and cursing- the delay software is thankfully editing all his swear words. Well I hope it doesn't over load.

"Know your stars… Know your stars… Know your stars Anubis from… Uh... dammit where are you from?" a mysterious voice asks… she sounds a bit confused.

"How the (bleep) can you not know where I'm from? You brought me here!" Anubis goes to lunge at the voice, but is immediately restrained by the chair.

"Well, tough that I don't know where you're from. I only just started watching the show. Anyways… Anubis uh… he sleeps with a pink teddy bear named Mr. Snooky Ookums."

"He's not pink he's fuchsia and… I mean how the (bleep) Did you find that out?"

"Well, you see. I read it in the National Enquirer that O'Neill gave me." You can just picture the voice smirking

"And you actually believe everything you read in there?" Anubis chortles

A sigh is heard. "Well, not really, but since you actually defended the color of said bear I can safely assume it's true. Anubis… it's rumored that one of the unspeakable charges against him is the theft of an Easy Bake Oven from a certain Dr Jackson."

Again Anubis tries to rush towards the sound of the voice and again he is restrained- let's just say I kept this chair from another fanfic I did of a similar nature. Since he can't really go anywhere now Anubis pouts. "Hey I was hungry and you would have done the same."

"Uh hardly… I don't steal. Besides how could you have been hungry after eating the council's cookies?" (1)

"Trust me, if you tasted what the council calls baked goods you would have agreed that you'd be better off eating a Frisbee."

The voice smirks- you can just see the wheels in her head going around and around. "Anubis, he eats Frisbees."

"Why would I do a thing like that you infernal bitch?"

"Listen jackass, you call me out of my name one more time and I'm going to tell everyone the truth of your little relationship details and they won't be pretty." The voice snaps. "So don't… actually you know what screw bargaining" She picks up a sheaf of papers and flips through them. "Yes! Anubis, he's dating Icy Trix from Winx Club." (2)

"What? Why the (bleep) would I want to go out with that frigid bitch?" Anubis snarls and tries to get free. But to no avail.

"Because you can't get anyone else?" The voice sticks out her tongue- picture it okay?

"I could probably get you."

"I'd like to get you to go away…. Oh, I just found this too! Anubis was kicked out of kindergarten for eating other kids' paste."

"Heh and I stole it from them too."

"Just like you kept stealing Barbie Dolls from the ancients…. Which by the way is another reason they kicked you out. Friggin' klepto."

"Psychotic Bitch."

"Would you care to repeat that?"

"Psychotic Bitch." Anubis smirks

The voice destroys Anubis' knitting supplies. "Thanks for the compliment."

Anubis starts to tear up. "You burned my blanket! Prepare to die." (3)

"Uh how about later? And you're starting to bore me."

"What do you mean?" Anubis is suddenly sucked up through a tube.

"And don't hurry back now ya hear? Now you know Anubis… kind of…."

End… kind of

Well, that was my first attempt at a Stargate SG-1 fanfic. I know it was painful, but please don't kill me. Just read, review and give suggestions for who I should use next and what to do to them. Credit will be given.

1.) Suggested by my friend Charles

2.) Also suggested by Charles

3.) Misuse of a quote from some movie that goes: You killed my brother prepare to die