Know Your Stars Stargate SG-1

Summary: This is what happens when someone who has never really watched more than five episodes of SG-1 decides to write Stargate fanfiction. She decides to combine the All That skit 'Know your Stars' and SG-1 and runs wild. But don't worry, I'm starting to watch the show more and I have friends to help me

Note: Only one review for my last chapter. I'm kind of hurt. I thought I did a good job. And Duckie's real name is Charles, I'm the only one allowed to call him Duckie

Disclaimer: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle. - Captain Carter

Dedication: Same dedications as last time, and guess what I so own Duckie now!

Victim Four: Colonel Carter

Or: Changing of the Guards part one

The stage is set, a nice comfortable chair is vacant and there are two voices arguing.

"Come on Duckie please." A female voice begged. "I'll make it up to you."

"How Meg? I don't even know why you think you need a vacation." A male voice who was probably Duckie argued back. "You've only interviewed three people."

"Jack tried to flash me! Trust me I need a vacation." Meg tried to use her puppy dog eyes. "Please? You get to spend time with the SGC. Even if it isn't exactly direct contact."

"Can I interview Carter?"

"You can interview Anubis again for all I care. Just please do this for me."

Duckie sighed audibly (we can assume it was Duckie because it was a deep sigh) "Fine. But you have to be back soon or I'll come looking for you and you'll never be able to finish this story."

Meg hugged Duckie "Thanks you're the best. Your notes are there on the desk!" And with that the female voice ran out the door leaving Duckie by himself.

Duckie sank down into the chair hidden in a shadowy loft and laid his head on the desk. "What have I gotten myself in to?"

A few hours later Duckie had figured out how to lure Colonel Carter into the secret room. He had managed to start a rumor that a piece of engineering equipment was broken and needed fixing. Sure enough Colonel Samantha Carter came in with the blueprints for a few different pieces of machinery and sat down in the chair on the stage to read them.

As soon as she sat down all hell broke loose. "Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars… Samantha Carter, she has killed people during PMS." Duckie's eyes went big as he read that from the notebook. "No way!" He whispered.

"I've done what?" Carter gasped.

"You heard me. You killed people during PMS. Why didn't you just take some Pamprin?"

"Because all the military gives out is Motrin. (1)" Carter replied with a shrug. "Besides your information is way off. I have never killed anyone during PMS."



"Colonel Samantha Carter, she has killed people without being on PMS."

"Well okay I guess that's fair."

"Carter, She's a convicted serial killer."

"I think that's going a bit too far."

Duckie blushed. "But it's in the notes."

"Notes? You have notes for this thing?" Sam is shocked beyond belief.

"Uh yeah. Colonel Carter, she cheated her way through military academy."

"You are out of your damn mind! I have never cheated on anything!"

"Sorry." Duckie pauses and flips through the note book. As he does this he briefly considered injuring Meg for being so disorganized. The whole cheating in the military academy wasn't even for Sam! It was about Colonel Maybourne! "Colonel Carter. She originally wanted to be in the Galaxy police (2) but was beat out by Mihoshi. (3)"

"I did what now? Galaxy police?"


"Well aren't I in the Galaxy Police now since I'm a member of SGC?" Carter reasoned.

"Well no, you're an Air Force officer."

"Ok you've got me there. What else do those notes say about me?"

"Uh… Colonel Samantha Carter. She played Hongo Yui in Fushigi Yugi."

"As what the voice?" Sam asked sounding amused.

"No, as the actual character." Duckie replied softly.

"How the hell could I do something like that?"

"Don't ask me. I'm just reading things from this notebook."

"Well, does that notebook have something in there that could actually be true?" Sam shot back. She was getting tired of this and hungry. She wanted three steaks, a diet soda and French fries. She wondered if there were maybe some Lifesavers in her BDUs.

Duckie flipped through the notebook and found something very interesting. "Colonel Samantha Carter- she likes to wear Col. Jack O'Neill's underwear." (4)

Sam turned a vivid shade of crimson then had a coughing fit. When she finally recovered she started gasping like a fish out of water trying to come up with words- any words would do. "How the hell did you find that out?" Sam finally asked then turned candy apple red again. You know maybe those weren't the words she was looking for.

Duckie nearly fell out of his chair in surprise. "Meg was right?"

Sam tried in vain to compose herself but it was too late. "I would like to know how the hell you found out about my private life." She demanded in an authoritive tone of voice- which come to think of it is very easy considering that she's a colonel.

Duckie tried not to wet himself. "Sorry ma'am. As I've said before I'm just reading from this notebook that my friend left me."

"Well I'm calling JAG on your friend." Sam said angrily. "Right now!" And with that Sam rushed out of the room. Of course she wasn't about to call JAG but Duckie didn't know that.

Back in the room a very nervous Duckie whispered. "And now you know Colonel Samantha Carter"

She was naked when I got here, I swear… I mean end!

1.) This is a military joke mostly in the Army. The military gives Motrin for everything. (IE: Oh you broke your toe, here have some Motrin, Oh you lost your foot, here have some Motrin)

2.) The police force in Tenchi Muyo that was after Ryoko (a character from the show)

3.) Another character from Tenchi Muyo. She's a ditz

4.) Thank you BookWorm37 for the idea.

Well, read review and have some chicken and some ideas. Thank you