Disclaimer: Voldemort made me do it! The following is used for parody only, and is in no affiliation with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, etc.
Always a Snape, Never a Sex God
"Come on, Severus, don't be a wanker."
"Why not? It's the way I have kept myself occupied for the past twenty years."
"For fuck's sake I know that much! You never went with us on the raping and pillaging sprees, never joined in on the Death Eater orgies — hell, you didn't even stake a claim on Narcissa when I put her on auction to regain our Malfoy inheritance. That bloody wench cost me millions of Galleons, the way she spent money when she thought I'd be in Azkaban forever."
"Businessman, Death Eater — 'reformed,' of course, and pimp — you certainly have a diverse list of occupations."
"Merlin, how could you use big words when you're so pissed?"
"I only learned from you, Lucius." Severus raised his shot glass in salute. The pair were seated on the last two barstools in a dingy pub in Knockturn Alley, drinking their money bags and lives away. It had been the fourth time that week they had gotten pissed in public; the other three days they had spent drinking at each other's homes.
"We're turning into hopeless drunks," said Severus as he let his head fall into a dish of Cockroach Clusters.
"We were hopeless long before becoming drunks," Lucius answered, picking up a stray Cockroach Cluster from his friend's hair and popping it into his mouth. However, his aim was off, making the candy soar toward his eye.
"Ow! The fucking blighter!" Lucius screamed and slammed his fist to emphasize his point. His aim was off again, and he sent his clenched fist onto Severus' large nose.
Severus was immediately brought out of his stupor. "You bloody arse-hole! How do you punch a wizard who's already down?"
Lucius rolled up his sleeves, his confusion turning into drunken anger. "That wasn't a real punch, you bastard. Come closer," he slurred, clenching his swaying hands into fists.
"Enough of that, you two. Thank the wizards above, this one didn't take out his wand," the hag said from behind the counter. "Now get out of my pub, and don't come back for another week… I need to reorder more alcohol for the damn place." The hag began muttering, but it turned to full-fledged yelling as the pair eased themselves off of the barstools and fell to the floor. The two men picked themselves up the best way they could and stumbled out of the pub.
"Damn it, that was the third time she kicked us out this week!" said Lucius as he rubbed his eye.
"She? I thought the facial hair made him an ogre," Severus said as he raised his wand to his nose to repair the damage. A soft golden light should have streamed out of the tip of his wand to give a warm healing sensation; instead, a clear red light appeared that made the pain even worse.
Lucius continued to walk until he realised there wasn't a tall figure beside him matching his wobbly movements.
"Shite! We have to get your sorry arse to St. Mungo's!" he exclaimed, rushing over to the unconscious man on the cobblestone road and calling for a sober party to Apparate them to the hospital.
"What do we have here?" a loud voice sounded in Severus' head, perfectly in beat with the drum corps marching in his skull.
Severus opened his eyes and shut them soon after. He saw green everywhere; there was too much of it. Green walls, green ceiling, green…breasts?
He opened his eyes again and saw a pair of breasts covered by lime green Healer robes. So Lucius and I never made it to the Strip Witch Club, Severus thought ruefully.
"Glad to see you're awake, Professor Snape." Severus raised his eyes and saw white teeth and bright red lips thinned into a smirk. He watched the lips move and form more words.
"Professor Snape? Are you there? Maureen dear, bring me a vial of Hangover… he must have imbibed a great amount of alcohol tonight."
Severus shifted his gaze up to her eyes, and then put all of the body parts together. Oh no.
"Please refrain from calling me 'Professor,' as I haven't been in that ruin of a school for years." He scowled, wishing that the breasts he had seen belonged to some other Healer.
"Of course, Mister Snape," said Hermione Granger cheerfully as she uncorked a small glass vial. "Drink up, so you can feel better and go home."
He snatched the vial from her hands and tipped it into this mouth. "Dreadful," he said in between coughs.
"I believe it is your own brew, Prof- sir. Now go home and sober up in a more permanent sense. We are running out of many potions here, and if you insist on drinking yourself into oblivion every evening, St. Mungo's will have to find a new supplier for our potions."
She began to walk out of the room, and turned around, saying, "You should get punched in the nose more often, Mister Snape." She smiled and shut the door behind her.
Lucius walked in a minute later, a look of disbelief on his face.
"Oh gods, Severus—what did she do to your nose?"
Severus found himself at St. Mungo's the next morning. His headache had subsided somewhat, but it would take another hour or so for the potion to achieve its desired effect. It hadn't helped that he had been drinking so much lately; the higher tolerance for alcohol also caused a higher tolerance for the potion. He had to wait eight hours when the average recovery time was two hours.
"Good morning, Mr. Snape," Hermione said, entering from a patient's room.
"Good morning, Miss Granger." Severus wished he could have spoken to another witch or wizard about his problem, but she would have to do
"Please call me Hermione. I know many magical patients use a formal title — even some Muggle-borns call me 'doctor.' But I'd rather have a sense of familiarity as a health care provider with my patients. What brings you here today?"
Severus reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose — could the woman stop talking for at least a moment?—, and immediately stopped. That would not be a good idea. "I would like a detailed diagnosis of my… condition."
"Of course. I have a few more patients to look over, but I'll take care of you now. Please follow me," she replied, leading Severus to a nearby room.
Severus peered in the room and realised he was in her office. Medical journals and other books filled every bookshelf, desk, and corner. He stood by a pair of chairs facing her desk, noting that both were filled with books.
"Please sit down. Oh, sorry," Hermione muttered, clearing one of the chairs.
"It is not a problem. The only conflict plaguing me at the present time is my nose," he said, indicating the offending appendage.
"Er-right," said Hermione as she sat in her chair. "Well, Pro… sir. You are well aware that you have received damage to your nose many times in the past, and have had many magical adjustments to repair them."
"Yes," he said in a low voice, urging her to continue.
She had seemed to be staring at his face for some time — blasted nose — before looking through the parchments on her desk.
"Your records indicate all of this, as you are aware," she continued, peering through the document. "Last night, Mr. Malfoy informed me that you tried using one of the spells a Healer had given you for repairing your nose several years earlier. Am I correct?"
"Yes." Since he could not place his fingers near his nose, Severus resorted to rubbing his temple.
"Right. Well, my diagnosis was that the combination of the many healing spells you have undergone for your nose, along with the fact that you performed the spell whilst being extremely drunk, caused your nose to collapse."
"My nose collapsed!" exclaimed Severus.
"Well, yes, it did." Hermione blushed at his outburst. "Don't worry. Last night, a team of renowned Muggle and magical surgeons — myself included — worked to restore your nose to as close to your original form."
"You call this original?" Snape pointed to his nose. "What did you do to me?"
"It was a combination of several techniques… many complicated spells were used, as well as rhinoplasty."
"I beg your pardon?" What did an animal have to do with this?
"Rhi-no-pla-sty," Hermione said slowly, as if to a small child. "Muggle plastic surgery on the nose. We had to Obliviate the doctors right after, but the desired results were achieved—"
"What do you mean 'desired results,' you silly girl! My nose!" Severus found it hard controlling his temper.
Yet Hermione still wore the experienced smile of a Healer. "I assure you that the swelling, which is quite normal, will heal in a few weeks. You will also notice that breathing will be of a higher quality than of the past… not that your voice will suffer, thank goodness."
Severus was barely able to hold off his anger as he stared at the blushing witch in front of him. "I beg your pardon?" he asked, this time for a much different reason
"Nothing, sir, nothing. Now, if you excuse me, I have to finish my rounds… good day sir." With those words said, Hermione left a stunned Severus in his chair.
Severus assembled his ingredients and set them upon the old scarred table. He didn't care for most of the things he had owned at Hogwarts, but he felt a deep attachment to the piece of furniture he had used to brew potions for decades. Before he added the first few ingredients, he looked at his reflection in the dark water of the cauldron.
He had changed after that night at St. Mungo's. The swelling on his nose had gone, and the skin had returned to its pale colour. His nose had taken on a slightly smaller shape and looked less hooked and more… aquiline. With a sneer at his modified visage, Severus tipped some Shrivelfigs into the cauldron.
Life was different in some aspects because of his nose. Whilst shopping for potion ingredients in Diagon Alley, Severus noticed one day that a group of witches were
looking at him. They had had erupted in a fit of giggles when they caught him looking back at them with an astonished look on his face. Babies and small children in the street no longer shied away from him or began to cry at the sight of him, and their mothers were slower to pull their children closer them. Some tried to seek the puzzled wizard's attention.
Could I possibly be attractive now with just some nose surgery? Severus wondered as he added more substances to the brew. That was impossible, an absurd thought, really. He was the fright of first years… even after his teaching days there hadn't been a single teacher as terrifying as Professor Snape.
Hermione thought you were.
"Bah! That's very likely," he muttered. She had only blushed, and complimented his voice — well, she hadn't admitted to complimenting his voice, but Severus remembered her comment, nonetheless.
Severus pondered this development as he added essence of sandalwood to the cauldron. Why should he bother with that overly happy witch?
That is only a face she puts on for her profession… and you noticed other things besides her disposition the first time you laid eyes on her…
But he was hung over! Severus stirred the potion with a shaking hand. Besides, it would be best for him to—
Sit at home reading your life away? Brewing potions for your many clients? You spend more time sleeping or wanking. Come to think of it, Lucius was right.
Severus recalled the conversation they had three weeks ago in the pub. Before his friend had unceremoniously punched him, they had discussed their possibilities for love … or more like a possible lay in their life times. Severus was nearing forty-five, Lucius was in his early fifties, and both were sexually frustrated. Severus had been celibate for most of his adulthood. And then there was Lucius' marriage- he could write a horror story about that.
Well, you are brewing a hair potion — a potion that was not ordered by the hospital or the old apothecary in Knockturn alley.
With some new plans formed in his mind, Severus began to work.
"Why won't you come out tonight, Severus? We haven't gotten properly pissed together in weeks!" Lucius' floating head frowned in the green flames of Severus' fireplace.
Severus stopped to pinch the bridge of his new nose. It felt good to do that again. "As entertaining it would be to be throttled by you again, I have a previous engagement to attend to."
"Spoil my fun, would you? What are you working on? An illegal potion? Going on a trip to the brothel? Come on, do tell."
"If you must know, I need to deliver the latest batch of potions to St. Mungo's," Severus said while adjusting his robes.
"Why bother with that when you can send them by a flock of owls? Better yet, let me stick my head out of the fireplace and you can Floo the things… you never deliver the damn potions personally…" A closer look at Severus' appearance brought a cruel smirk to Lucius' face. "There's a girl involved."
"She is not a girl, I assure you," Severus said indignantly. He furrowed his eyebrows. Why did I say that out loud?
"Aha! I was right then! So who are you planning to corrupt tonight?"
Severus knew better than to say anything more. "Maybe if you'd let me leave, I could get to it and let you know afterwards."
"Fine, be a spoilsport. I'll be off, engaging in one of your favorite pastimes. Good luck, Severus," said Lucius before he disappeared in the flames.
Do I look that obvious? he wondered. No, that was impossible. All he had done was wash his hair with the new potion he had brewed, leaving his hair still thin, but silky instead of greasy. He had tied back his hair leaving one lock obscuring the left side of his face.
Severus had also shaved, something he neglected to do after his teaching days were over. He relished the smoothness of his skin, more comfortable than the stubble and ingrown hairs he had let flourish on his face. Severus cast a charm on his teeth. It was the last in a series of charms he had used in order to straighten and whiten them. He muttered another spell to eliminate the sallow hue of his skin, leaving instead a full-body tan to colour his skin.
All of the tips and tricks Severus had used to improve his appearance came from the book Magical Beautiful Me, a tome Lockhart had presented to Severus during his first week of teaching at Hogwarts. Although Severus knew the man was a dimwitted fraud, he certainly had a knack for hair bleaching charms.
Severus cast the final spell that would make his transformation complete — a Concealment Charm on the Dark Mark on his arm. No need to scare her with an obvious reminder of his past.
He patted the shrunken crate of potions in his trouser pocket and tossed some Floo powder into the fireplace.
"St. Mungo's," he said before he disappeared in a swirl of green flames.
Severus said a cleansing charm to remove the grey soot on the edges of his new black robes. It would have been wiser to Apparate; Flooing to St. Mungo's only aided in temporary discomfort and dirty clothes.
He pushed through the Healers and their patients in the corridor and found the same door he had entered a few weeks earlier. He knocked on the door and waited for a response.
He received none, and after a long period of knocking and waiting, Severus went through the door. He regretted his earlier noise; she was sleeping in her chair, her head resting back against a bookshelf on the far wall.
Severus smirked at the sight. So, the great Healer cannot remain so bright at all hours. He stood there transfixed, looking at her. Her long legs were propped up on another chair, her chest rising and falling in rhythm with her breathing.
And what a lovely chest it is, he thought. Then his ears caught up with his eyes, and he cringed at the noise of her loud snoring. This didn't change the sight of her; she still looked pretty regardless.
"Severus, what a surprise," came a voice from behind him.
He whirled around in confusion. "Hermione?"
"Oh you bumped into 'Mione — over there, on the desk," the Hermione by the door said.
"She's an illusion." Hermione muttered a few words and the sleeping Hermione vanished. "I use 'Mione whenever someone is looking to consult with me — during my break, or when I'm working. She also eats, reads, and does paperwork — the same things I do in my office. Most people usually figure out that she is only an illusion, but it does give me a few more minutes before they search further for me. So what brings you here?"
Clever witch, Severus thought as he turned to the real Hermione. "I came to deliver the latest shipment of potions, made with sober hands." He reached into his robes and proffered the small crate in his hands.
Hermione used her wand to enlarge the crate and bent over to inspect the vials and bottles inside.
Severus stared at her back and went lower. His thoughts went from compliments to her mind to compliments of her other features.
She straightened and reddened to see his gaze lingering upon her. She hasn't turned away.
Severus smirked and shut the door with a whispered word.
"I thought we were on a first-name basis, what with patient relations and all that." Severus advanced upon her.
"Severus, I can't." He didn't seem to hear her as he backed her against the wall.
"Can't what? Come near me? Kiss me? Touch me?" He breathed on her neck.
"I hardly think this is the time or place—" He paused and looked into her eyes. One chance.
He lowered his head to hers and kissed her.
It started off slow and smoldering, his thin lips soft against hers. Then he stopped and waited.
She grinned up at him and raised her head to kiss him back.
"Ow! Fuck!" They had bumped their heads against each other.
"Language, Miss Granger," he whispered before initiating their kiss again.
They came up for air some minutes later.
"Damn it, I said my name is Hermione, and unless we ever do one of those 'games,' I'd rather you use my given name." Severus raised an eyebrow to the fact that Hermione would know or even hint about sexual role play.
"Now, I meant it, Severus. This is neither the time nor place, although I enjoyed it very much." She bit her lower lip, now a brighter shade of red from their snogging. "My shift ends in about thirty minutes, if you can wait that long. Keep 'Mione company." She reached up to kiss him, this time finding his lips perfectly.
"Thirty minutes," he groaned once Hermione brought back her identical image and left the office. The illusion at the desk glared at him and continued perusing some books on the desk.
Severus spent the time examining the books around him and trying to ignore his arousal in his trousers. Lucius was right in his need to get shagged; the throbbing sensation in his loins was giving him trouble sitting or standing.
'Mione looked at him with triumph on her face.
"Oh, bugger off," he said, wishing he could do so on himself to relieve the tension.
Finally, Hermione returned. "Sorry I took so long I—" Severus silenced her with his mouth, wrapping one arm around her waist and Apparating them both to his home.
The sudden change in destination did not stop the pair. They continued kissing regardless, Severus tracing his tongue on her lips before she allowed him to enter her mouth.
They explored each other, each tasting and feeling the other. Hermione grasped his hair and began to massage the back of his scalp. His hands went lower to feel her back, her waist, and her arse.
When he brought his left hand up to caress one of her breasts, she pulled away.
"You didn't have to do this," she said.
"Do what? Do you want to go back to the hospital?" Was he wrong?
"No, that's not what I meant… you didn't have to have a makeover. You didn't have to change yourself to get into bed with me. I would have done so, anyway."
"I'm sure you would have," he said with a sneer.
"Be quiet, Severus. Do you know how many times you've been at the hospital in the last few months? Either to pick up Lucius from his alcohol use or vice versa? I only treated you once — that night," she said, touching the tip of his nose, "but I've seen you on many other occasions, and I wanted you then with your greasy hair and sallow skin. I still want you now."
He tried to pull away from her, but she grabbed his hand. "I don't care if you don't want to believe the truth, but there it is all the same." She looked at his hand, and raised the sleeve of his robes up his arm. "Where is it?" she asked.
His lips thinned into a line. "I placed a Concealment Charm on it."
"I want to see it." She placed a finger on his lips. "I want all of you, tonight, your good parts and bad. Your hidden nobleman and your sarcastic bastard… and… yes, that, too," she finished as he began to kiss and nip her neck.
They lay together on the bed and removed each other's clothes. Hermione gazed at the now visible Dark Mark shimmering in the light.
"You're mine," she whispered as she kissed her way down his chest.
Severus woke with her legs entwined with his and bushy brown hair spread out over his face.
He grinned with the memories of the night before. Severus Snape still had it after so many years. Sure, the first time was a tad awkward (he cringed, remembering his all-too-early climax in the beginning) but the rest of the evening…
He moved her hair and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.
Without thinking about the action any further, Severus headed for the loo.
"I like your home," she said as she entered the kitchen.
He remained silent, letting the sizzle of the eggs fill the room.
"It's funny," she continued, "We Apparated straight to the bedroom and went to it… I never got to look at your book collection." She bit her lower lip in confusion at his taciturn manner.
"Do you want me to go? I could-ohhh…" Severus set two plates at the table and kissed her into silence at the doorway.
She moaned at his neck, he moaned into her hair, and both groaned in frustration as Lucius entered the living room.
"Good morning Severus, hope you didn't mind that I let myself in. I figured at this hour, you'd be finished with her. Good gods. You shagged a Mudblood?"
"Shut up and sod off, Lucius, I talk to you later. You know where the door is," said Severus, never turning his head toward him.
When he was gone, Severus asked, "So how did I do last night?"
"You were a sex god," Hermione murmured as she placed her hand on his thigh. "And still are," she remarked with an evil grin.
"Then we should take care of this situation," he said, leading her to the bedroom.
Author's Note: This was written in response to the "Makeover SexGod!Snape Challenge" posted by SouthernWitch69 and PlaidPooka at the Yahoo!Group, PotterPlace. I need to stop having my challenges start with alcohol; that can never bode well for the story.
Special thanks to GinnyW and phoenix, who went through the time and torture to beta this.