Warning: Manga and movie spoilers.

Disclaimer: The following is a work of parody. I don't own Inuyasha (or Lord of the Rings). Nor do I know why Ginta and Hakkaku know who Frodo is.

A Census Taker in the Sengoku Jidai

A census taker traveled through make-believe and back in time to the Sengoku Jidai. He needed to find at least one couple involved in a truly romantic relationship.

First he came upon Inuyasha and Kagome.

"So you two are together?"

"Oh yeah," Inuyasha answered. "We're soul-mates."

"We're totally meant to be," Kagome added.

The census taker pressed on. "So you two are engaged then?"

"Uh, no…" Inuyasha said.

"But you're dating?"

"Well…technically no…" Kagome muttered.

"But you two have at least kissed, right—"

"Of course we have!" Inuyasha looked indignant.

"—Bearing in mind that the movies aren't canon and don't count."

"Damn."

Kagome looked peeved. "Well, we might have if Kikyo didn't always get in the way."

The census taker was intrigued. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Inuyasha's still in love with his first girlfriend, Kikyo."

Pay dirt. "Ok, now we're talking here. So tell me, Inuyasha, what are your most romantic plans for the future with this Kikyo lady?"

Inuyasha had a big grin on his face. "She's going to take me to Hell with her!"

"…Right." Well, sounds better than my honeymoon was anyway. "Good luck, kids." He added under his breath, "Hoo boy." Oh well, let's see who's next on my list…

--

"Miroku and…Sango, is it?"

"That's right." Sango smiled.

The census taker ran through his notes. "So I hear you two are engaged."

"Oh yes. Miroku and I are very much in love." Sango looked into Miroku's eyes dreamily while he put his arm around her.

Good. Looks like I found the right couple, the census taker thought. "So, I assume you two do normal romantic couple stuff."

Sango looked confused. "Like what?"

"Well, kissing, for instance."

Sango had a thoughtful expression on her face. "Actually…Miroku and I have never kissed."

Miroku decided to speak up helpfully. "I grab her ass a lot, though. That's romantic, right?"

Sango had the Red Flames of DoomTM around her head. "You think that's romantic! You also grab the ass of every woman you see, not to mention asking every girl in sight to bear your children!"

"Wait, wait, wait," the census taker interjected. "You two are engaged, but you have practically no physical contact, and this guy still hits on other women?"

His comments didn't exactly make Sango calm down. "Miroku, you stupid, two-timing jerk!"

"Now, now, Sango…" Miroku said in an appeasing voice…

The census taker left before it got too ugly. He couldn't stand to see a grown man cry while a woman beat the crap out of him. Whoa, those two have issues, he thought. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have more luck with my next interviewee…

--

"Sesshomaru, is it?"

"That's Lord Sesshomaru, peasant."

"Of course. So, tell me about your love life. You got a special woman right now?"

Sesshomaru—I mean, Lord Sesshomaru—shrugged. "No."

"You sure?" the census taker said confusedly, flipping through his notes. "I've heard a lot about you and this Kagome person."

Lord Sesshomaru stared blankly. "…Who?"

The census taker paused. Ok, better change subjects. "What about Kagura?"

"Hm," Lord Sesshomaru thought about it for a minute. "I think we shared a moment once…right before she died."

"But you have feelings for her, right?" the census taker urged him on, not wanting to drop his one hot lead.

Lord Sesshomaru looked dead serious then. "…I think I'm asexual."

"…Um, what…?"

"I mean, sometimes, I'm just so confused. Who am I really, you know? I mean, it's not like I could talk to Dad about this when he was alive. That guy was like a walking pile of testosterone. I mean come on, he even knocked up a human broad. How am I supposed to compete with that? The guy was a womanizer through and through, and I find myself…wholly uninterested…. Wow, it feels really nice to finally open up about this, Census guy. Census guy? Hey, Census guy, where'd you go?"

The census taker had run off sometime during Lord Sesshomaru's psychological breakthrough, shuddering.

Well, that explains the magenta eye shadow, I guess…Oh thank God, there's someone else I can ask. Shake it off, Cyrus, shake it off.

--

"And what's your name, little girl?"

The little girl giggled and smiled. "Rin."

The census taker marked off her name on his checklist. "And how old are you, sweetie? There's been some confusion about that."

"This many!" She held up eight fingers.

"All right. So, what's this about you and Kohaku? Any sparks flying?"

Rin made a face. "Ewww, boys have cooties! This one time, I picked some flowers for Lord Sesshomaru, and they were the prettiest flowers ever. Do you like flowers? Flowers smell nice. Let me smell you…ew, you don't smell like a flower. Do you like fishies? Sometimes Master Jaken and me catch fishies and sometimes I make a face like a fishy and Master Jaken kinda looks like a fishy and then we go swimming and pretend to be fishies and we're all blub blub blub…"

"Here, Rin," the census taker took a small bottle out of his pocket and gave it to her. "I think you need this more than my kid does."

"Thanks!" Rin read the label on the bottle and ran off yelling, "Lord Sesshomaru! What's 'Ritalin'?"

The census taker just shook his head and headed over to the creature that Rin had referred to as "Master Jaken," whom he could only assume was some sort of coagulated mass of sewage water.

"Hey, troll-imp! How about you? You nailing anyone?"

Jaken hunched his shoulders miserably. "Does it look like I am! Oh God, I'm hideous." The disgusting creature started bawling into what the census taker assumed were his hands.

The census taker patted the sobbing creature's back awkwardly. "Aww, there, there. You're not that bad."

Jaken looked up at him optimistically. "Really?"

Ugh, he looks like a pile of crap someone vomited on the side of road. "Uh, sure…I know plenty of girls who would love to go out with you."

Jaken practically squealed with delight. "That's great! Can I have their phone numbers?"

"Uh…yeah, I don't really…have them on me at the moment…but I'll be sure to get…back to you…on that." Runawayrunawayrunaway.

--

"So, Koga, how's it going on the romance front?" The census taker marked Koga's name off his list. He didn't have many people left to go. All these characters and not a single one so far was in a truly romantic relationship. He hoped Koga would change the score.

Koga stood before him, all swagger and sweat. "Never been better, man. I've got myself a woman now."

The census taker was relieved. "Whew, finally. Thank you, Koga. You have no idea how much easier you just made my job."

"Oh yeah," Koga grinned cheekily. "Perhaps you've heard of her—Kagome!" Koga brushed himself off confidently. "Yeah, that's right. I bagged myself the female lead of the series. It's not only a smart career move guaranteeing me lots of airtime—she's also wicked hot."

The census taker rubbed his head. "Kagome, huh…you mean the chick who's in love with the guy who's in love with the chick who looks just like her?"

"Yeah. So? …Why are you smacking your head against the tree like that?"

The census taker feigned a smile. "No reason. By the way, Koga, do yourself a favor and settle for that Ayame chick. She's got a hot ass, and you'll never do any better."

"Who?"

"Oh right, she doesn't exist in the manga. Ha-ha, dude, you're screwed."

He left Koga, who stared after him with a confused look on his face. "Dammit!" the census taker yelled. "I thought I finally had one successful couple. Oooh-oooh, wait! Pay dirt! Ginta! Hakkaku! My brothas! What's happening!" The census taker ran up to the two bewildered wolf demons. "Now tell me, fellas, you two can't deny that there's something going on between you."

Ginta shrugged. "Sorry to disappoint you."

Hakkaku nodded. "Yeah, there's nothing going on between us."

The census taker started choking. "Buh, buh, wha…Y-you're kidding, right! What about all the hugs, the smoldering glances…"

Ginta waved his hands. "We're kinda like Frodo and Sam in Lord of the Rings. You can make a case for it all you want, but there's nothing there."

The census taker threw his clipboard down in frustration. "Well, dammit! Now what am I supposed to do. There's only one person left to ask, and I know he's a dead end."

Kaede mysteriously appeared from behind the tree the census taker had bashed his head on. "You haven't asked me yet."

The census taker took one look at her. "I don't need to."

"Humph." Kaede disappeared as mysteriously as she had arrived. No one cared.

The census taker sighed. "Oh well, off to Totosai's it is, and then I can call it a day. A completely wasted, stupid day. Man, why didn't I use this -unexplained plot point- wonderful invention of fictional time travel for something useful?"

--

The census taker grumbled all the way to Totosai's creepy old dude lair. Totosai was sitting on a rock, his constant companion and primary mode of transportation the three-eyed cow beside him.

The census taker tapped on the wall. "Yo, Totosai."

"Yo," Totosai answered without looking up. He was busy making swords/breathing fire/playing Scrabble/whatever old demon farts like him do in their spare time.

The census taker sighed. Why had he even bothered coming here at all? Totosai obviously wasn't hitting anything.

"So, let's just make this quick, Totosai, so I can get out of here and get back to my home. Are you currently involved in a romantic relationship?" he asked, knowing full well the answer was no.

"Yes," Totosai said.

"Ok, that's what I thought, I'll be on my way now—wait—WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"I said," Totosai looked up as though insulted, "That I'm in a romantic relationship."

"You are?" The census taker was incredulous. "You're sure? Romantic? I mean, romantic? Now when I say 'romantic,' I'm talking about—"

"Carnal relations? Of course! Geez, what do you take me for? I'm old—not dead!"

Various images flooded through the census taker's head, all of which made him want to gouge his eyes out with a dull spoon. He shook it off, and ventured on. "But…who? Who are you in a relationship with? I mean, the only company I ever see you with is that weird three-eyed cow." The census taker laughed.

Totosai blinked. "Why, Sheila and I have been married for 500 years." He patted the cow's head affectionately.

The census taker calmly marked off Totosai on his list, his job finished, his mission successful. Then he ran screaming like a banshee in the other direction, pulling out all his hair along the way.

Totosai furrowed his brow. "Now what do you think all that was about?"

Sheila shrugged. "Moo."

THE END