Lately I have been thinking a lot about my grandfather who died when I was six years old. That was a long time ago, but today I noticed with some surprise that I'm thinking about him a lot. I see other children who fool around with their grandparents and I start to wonder what my life would have been like if my grandfather was still with me. I wonder what he would think if he knew of my love for shonen ai and yaoi? My grandma knows, kind of, I think as long as I don't talk too much about the topic she is quite okay with it. But I have no idea what my grandfather would have thought. I also think back about all the fun I had with him. I haven't as many memories of him as I would like, after all I was a small girl when I lost him.

I miss him a lot.

Anyway, because of my wishful thinking, this newest story was born. It's something unusual for me because it's not a really happy story. But... I left some little hints which may leave hope for a happy ending (if you could think of it as a happy ending). Are you able to detect them?

Title: What if
Part: 1/1
Author: Atemue
Warnings: sad, slight angst, SPOILERS
Genre: Angst
Pairings: Atemu + Yuugi (hinted)
Criticism: Constructive criticism welcomed
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, I don't make any money from fanfiction.

Description: Yuugi is ill and brooding.

Thanks to my betareader Deb for the usual quick work. ^^

Written in Yuugi's POV:

Lately I've found myself thinking a lot about mou hitori no boku. It's already been some years since he departed to the afterworld. Still, I can't help but think, especially at times when I am ill, like right now. I have a fever, headache and feel tired. I am bound to the bed with nothing to do. Such times are the most dangerous for me, I have time to think, time to brood over what's long gone, and that isn't always a good thing.

I don't want to. I really don't want to think about him, but I do anyway. Lying here, in my bed, feeling miserable and alone I remember the times when he was still with me. When he encouraged me, cheered me up. When I was with him I never felt as awful as I feel now.

I can't even remember being ill when he was around. I think I never was. But nowadays, I find myself ill a lot more often. Mother looks worried and sad, as if I am about to die or something. Of course that's nonsense, isn't it? It's only a cold. I just caught a stupid cold. But I guess it really is unusual that I am ill as often as I am.

If mou hitori no boku was still with me, would he sit beside my bed now and take care of me? I'm always questioning things like this. I find I'm asking myself what if he was still alive? Would he go to school with me? I think he would have gotten better marks than me. He questioned my knowledge in the beginning and he had a quick mind. He would have caught up at school in no time. I don't like school very much. I prefer games.

And now that I think about games, we would have been rivals, if he was still alive that is. We would have played against each other in competitions, just for fun. Would he have been able to win against me if he was still alive? I think it was just luck last time I won. I drew the right card. It could have been the other way around.

If that had been the case, he would be with me right now. I could have been able to finally admit my feelings for him. I think he wouldn't have minded my love, and, even if he did not return my feelings I am sure it wouldn't have been a reason to not stay close friends. It would have been a wonderful time. If he was still alive, still with me. I would be so happy.

But as much as I hope and think, as much as I try to cheer myself up by dreaming about 'what if', I always end up feeling miserable again when I come back to reality. Mou hitori no boku is not here anymore. He is in the underworld, together with his friends and family. He is where he belongs. But that fact doesn't make things easier at all. I should be happy for him. But I just can't. Especially not when I am ill and feel so alone.

I miss you, mou hitori no boku!

And I love you, Atemu!

Please don't leave me alone for much longer!