She shifted her feet, hesitating and at the same time knowing that she was going to go over. She studied him. All the time, it felt like. Ever since he had told her every deep thing about him, she had been unable to look at his form and not want to touch him.
He was slouched slightly on the couch, his tie a little loose, his sleeves messily rolled. She sat down and fixed her skirt, but he was concentrating on what he was reading and did not even notice she had sat down.
She felt a little put out at this, but wasn't quite sure what to say, so she angled herself closer to him and made a soft restless noise. Her knees fell into his periphery vision and he looked up. His shoulders tensed at recognizing her, but his face gave away nothing.
"Hi," she said, trying to feel less awkward, but he didn't reply and it only multiplied the feeling. "I wanted to talk with you."
He didn't move, didn't even shift the book from his lap, only gave a slight twitch of his eyebrow to show that he was listening. Somehow, even though his eyes were on her face and they were in a room filled with other people, she felt self-conscious about her body and how she looked to him. She sucked in her stomach a little and sat a bit straighter, relaxing her posture and arching her chest some. If he noticed, he did not show it. If anything, this only made her feel more uncomfortable with herself.
She looked down at the hands in her lap. "James," she began, but she didn't really have anything to say. She thought about telling him her secrets, but they weren't anything like his. She thought she might reassure him that she wouldn't tell anyone, but he had to know that already, or else he didn't really care who knew.
She wanted to be with him again, even if it meant just being friends, because she didn't like not being around him at all. She had been so stupid for trying to push him away, and she wasn't sure she had ended up hurting him more than she hurt herself. The worst of it was she didn't know how to fix what was wrong.
"Well as enlightening as this is," he said in a dry drawl, "I really do have to read this before class."
He turned his head back down to his book. She couldn't believe how quickly hot tears sprang into her eyes. "James," she said again but he didn't turn. She was so frustrated with him and how he was treating her. He was so distant and he was sitting so close. She reached out her hand to touch his, and he recoiled in surprise. She quickly took her hand back and found herself choking on air, her throat too tight to get it into her lungs.
She turned to stand and leave as fast as possible, but his hand was suddenly on her wrist, his thumb rubbing at the sensitive flesh of her hand and pulling her to sit back down.
"You don't even know why I'm mad at you, do you?" he said, but there wasn't any anger in his voice, only a resigned tone. It didn't really sound like a question, but he didn't say anything else. He still wasn't looking at her, but her eyes were riveted to his face, as if through examination alone she could determine whether or not he could forgive her.
"Of course I do," she said, because she finally had something to say. "I was being stupid and I forced you to tell me things that you didn't—"
"I wanted you to know those things," he said, cutting her off. "And you weren't being stupid. I want you close to me, Lily. I want you closer than is safe. But I want you further away too. I was angry because you finally want me, and all I can think about is pushing you away."
"Why?" she asked, half desperate to know and half terrified to find out.
"Because you're really important to me, and I'm not all that good for you. I get angry too easily, and I think about you in ways I shouldn't, and I'm never going to be any good at talking about my feelings."
"What if I don't care?" she said. "What if I don't care about any of that?"
His hand tightened on her wrist. Her heart tightened in her chest.
"It doesn't matter," he said.
She wanted him and he wanted her, and it was all that should have mattered, but for some reason it wasn't and she felt like nothing was ever in her control.
She looked around at the people around her before leaning in close to his ear. "I don't want you to drink so much, and no more tattoos unless you ask first. You arn't allowed in the Forbidden Forest alone, and I don't care what reason you think you have, you're never ever ever allowed to try and kill yourself again. You're going to study hard and you're going to graduate with honors. You're going to spend the rest of the year trying to get me to sleep with you and I'm going to refuse and you are just going to have to deal with it until I'm ready. And…if you spend holidays with me then you won't have to see your father. Be with me James."
He finally turned to look at her and his eyes seemed to draw her in. He kissed her hard, and her mind reeled, all thought knocked from her mind. His tongue slipped in her mouth almost immediately, and almost before she could think if she even wanted him there he was languidly sucking and massaging her own tongue playfully. She moaned softly at how aggressive he was, her face flushed, but she didn't care who was watching. He wanted her, deep down inside him, and he was so afraid, but then so was she because he was so much more than she had ever judged him to be.
His hands wrapped around her and though they were gentle, they were strong and overpowered her until he had pulled her on top of him. He pulled her arms up around his neck and he settled his at her hips, his fingers stroking her skin through the fabric of her shirt. She didn't think he was ever going to let up on his assault of her mouth, and she didn't really care. She thought they could spend the whole day just kissing one another and she would not get tired of the feeling. It sent warm chills through her, and it didn't seem fair the way he seemed to know how to control and react to her in just such a way that it touched parts of her so deep inside even she was not aware these places existed.
He pulled back and whispered, "We'll be late to class."
"Are you still mad at me?" she asked, and he smiled and gave out a huff of laughter. She had missed that look of uninhibited happiness on his handsome face and she leaned in again to kiss him.
"No," he said softly in her ear. "I've changed."
AN: done! No, really. I've written about twenty different versions of this and the more I do the more extensive the plot gets and the less time I spend on my main ficlet BC and that needs to stop because I would really like to have that one done in a year and that will never happen if I sidetrack on tangents, no matter how fun the plot bunnies are. So, done! Please review!