Disclaimer - I do not own any characters or hats or ships and am not making an profit out of them.

Thanks to my friend lano for helping with this. We take absolutely no responsibility for anything that happens to you if you do these things.

Lano was standng in the Brig of the Black Pearl, Livi was sitting cross-legged on the floor - this place was more like home to her than her cabin.

"So just remind me" Lano said almost growling at her friend" What do you do to land us here all the time? Come on, we've got the time. I want the full list"

Livi sighed and removed her hat "Ok. First you'forget' to call him Captain - a lot. You tell him he has a lovely singing voice all the time and how much you love his bloody friend Norrington - that always works. In fact. Last week I walked round on deck in a Navy uniform trying to arrest him. Er...Ask if he's eunuch or ask if the Pearl is compensating for something."

Lano raised her eyebrows "Come on there was more than that."

"Ok ok: Constantly say how much better Barbossa's hat is to his

Steal his hat

'Fix' his bandana

Pull his beard

Offer to 'sort out' his hair - actually sort out his hair!"

"Didn't you tell him he is the worst pirate you have ever seen at some point?"

"...maybe. I asked asked him if his gold teeth are real."

"Shout for him then say you were talking to the monkey. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Ring any bells?"

"...shut up" Livi was begging to see the faults in her actions. Ok ok how to annoy Sparrow:

Every time he gets out his compass tell him it is broken.

Tickle him

Dye the sails pink - he still can't sort that you know- "

"The entire spanish main knows that Livi" Lano scowled. "They all think he's gay"

"Walk around in HIS clothes ordering HIS crew around

Ask if he enjoys Morris dancing

Paint his finger nails while he sleeps

Hug him - you'd think hes enjoy that" Livi said with a hint of sadness."

"Not infront of the British navy when you've already done all that." Lano kicked the bars and finally sat down. Livi was in full swing now remembering all the things she really enjoyed at the time.

"Ask him if he uses a sun bed

Sew little hearts and flowers to his hat

Send love letters to Norrington in his name

Say:'Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going?'

Look at him weirdly in the moonlight

Curl his hair into ringlets while he sleeps - personally I thought he looked very threatening

Buy a litter of kittens for his birthday

Tell him he got you pregnant"

"Oh God I remember that one" Lano said giving Livi a look of horror.

"Tell him that you 'know'. Tap the side of your nose and nod knowingly.

When he has a hang over: are you alright Captain? let me help you? are you sure? Now, now we'll have no talk like that……….

Wake him up in the middle of the night claiming to have seen a ghost

Show him Sparrington

Show him any other slash or stories involving him and slushy Mary sues.

Offer him lip gloss to go with the kohl

Ask to play 'pirates' say you'll be the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow and he can be Barbossa

Ask him why he hasn't got a hook for a hand

Leave lists of how to irritate him on his bed

Offer to give him advice on how to woo the ladies, say you think he needs it.

I would say put him in a corset but how………………………………...?

Tell him you know where there is loads of treasure, lead him to it, open the chest. Two words: Chocolate money

Repeatedly ask him what the poop deck is for

When he is in the middle of a difficult fight put on some huge teary eyes and ask why he won't sleep with you.


Fill his cabin with marshmallows"

"You are obsessed with marshmallows!" Lano said - even she was smiling now.

"I am not. Ask him why he doesn't want any hot chocolate…………..and marshmallows"

Lano rolled her eyes.

"Put a horse in his cabin and tell him he looks like he needs a ride." Livi winked " Say:'Jack Sparrow what WOULD your mother think?'

" Was it you who told the crew to throw glitter and confetti on him?"

"Aye. And, and, and this is what landed us here Lano: Wait until you are a good month away from anywhere then stroll up to him and calmly tell him that you have drunk all the rum."

Lano placed her head in her hands at the massive grin that had spread over Livi's face. She clearly didn't care that Jack Sparrow REALLY wanted he to die right now.