It's chapter 17! Oh heavenly days!
Yeah, over 250 reviews! I love you guys so much!
The Lobster had reached quite an enormous size by now. It burst through the roof of the Wal-Mart, and began rampaging in Konoha.
"GTRSREABNIKUNBVTR!" he cried, which means "FEAR ME FOOLISH MORTALS! I HAVE BECOME TOO POWERFUL FOR ANY OF YOU TO HANDLE!"
People stopped, and stared. They were sufficiently gobbled up for being stupid and stopping to stare at a giant rampaging beast of destruction. The lobster would have smacked his blood soaked lips at this point, if he had either a tongue or lips.
Kakashi had finished pointing out Choji's stupidity, and was now just walking down the street. He looked up to see the large lobster leg blocking his way.
"Excuse me, mister lobster, but I'd like to walk down this street. You seem to be in my way."
The lobster spun around, and roared in Kakashi's face, covering him with spit and grime.
Thankfully, our favorite sharingan ninja can speak fluent lobster.
"I merely wish to walk down the street."
"Well why not?"
"I don't care how great you are. I could beat you."
Gai ran by, shouting "NO WAI!"
"I'll prove it, Mr...what's your name?"
"Okay, mister Rasputin Huckstable IV, I'll prove it to you by defeating you in..."
(Insert sound of bell ringing)
Asuma is standing in the middle of a boxing ring, holding a microphone.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Welcome to the newest sport to be sweeping the nation, NINJA BOXING!"
"Woot!" the crowd cheered.
"In this corner! Konoha's finest mirror ninja, the only person with a sharingan that we can actually trust not to run away, HATAKE KAKASHI!"
Kakashi steps into the ring, and throws off his cape into the crowd. Many fangirls squee to see Kakashi's shirtless body.
"And in this corner! The new bad boy in town, fresh out of the Wal Mart seafood section, RASPUTIN HUCKSTABLE IV!"
Rasputin manages to somehow fit in the ring, even though he's 30 ft tall at this point.
"Who will win this clash of ninja vs. crustacean? Betting windows close, NOW!" Asuma dramatically pointed.
Kakashi shuffles out, swinging some practice punches.
"I told my friends to heat up some butter, cause you're gonna be delicious after I cream you." Kakashi taunted.
Kakashi gasped. "My mother may have been a whore, but not to the extent you're describing! Hah!"
Kakashi swung a hard left, and connected with Rasputin's leg. A visible shockwave traveled up Kakashi's arm.
"Exoskeleton. Should have thought of that."
Rasputin raised his mighty arm, and prepared to pummel Kakashi.
The crowd gasped so hard that there was a vacuum created for three whole seconds.
"The destruction of Konoha isn't worth getting hit. You guys have fun." Kakashi said, putting on his regular clothes, picking up his porn, and leaving the building. A cricket began chirping, but was quickly eaten by a bird. Crickets are pretty damn low on the food chain you know.
Rasputin then continued his reign of terror, slaughtering many innocents in the staduim.
Meanwhile, in the middle of the street...
Naruto panted heavily. He couldn't take it anymore. Hinata had somehow found him again (damn that byakugan!) And he'd been running for a while. It had been so long since he'd had anything to eat or drink. Naruto was flat out exhausted. He stopped in his tracks, and felt the resulting blow of Hinata tackling him into the ground.
"Do what you want Hinata, I don't care anymore."
Hinata squeed like the fangirl she was.
"I knew you'd see it may way Naruto!" she smiled, and began removing Naruto's clothing. He counted the clothes in his head.
"There goes the headband. And the shirt. Bye sandals. See you later pants. Bon Voyage boxers. And farewell virginity, its been nice knowing you."
Hinata began removing her clothing, and was about to get started when there was a blaring sound. They both turned to see an 18 wheeler come screeching towards them.
Naruto closed his eyes and listened to the sickening sound of metal, glass, and possibly bones breaking. But he didn't feel a thing! Curious, he opened his eyes to see that the truck had gone over him, and only Hinata had been hit.
"Holy shit, Hinata!"
Meanwhile, Rasputin was now at least 100 ft and roared epically. He heard a whistle, and looked down to see a naked toffee covered woman holding a giant hammer, and a terrified looking naked toffee covered boy.
"ANKO! STOP! You can't fight that thing! I'll get killed!" Kiba pleaded. Anko smiled.
"What, your one chance for real fame, and you're gonna pass it up?" she said. "Come on, let's show this thing what happens when you mess with Konoha's craziest! CHAARGE!"
Kiba whimpered, but joined Anko in the charge.
"Dog Boy! I'll need some extra power in this jump to get to his head! ASSIST!"
Kiba complied, and the two used their ninja-y strength to propel themselves upwards. Rasputin saw them coming, and using one of his boxing gloves, swung hard at Anko.
"Anko look out!" Kiba declared, and took the punch.
"Dog Boy!" Anko gasped, truly touched by Kiba's sacrifice. "I KILL YOU!" she yelled.
She landed on Rasputin's head, and thanks to his anatomy, he couldn't reach her.
"Take this! MITARASHI ANKO SPECIAL TECHNIQUE! METEOR STRIKE!"
She swung down the hammer as hard as she could, and there was a juicy cracking sound. Rasputin wobbled, then fell over. Anko hopped off before they hit the ground, and patted Kiba on the face.
"Dog Boy! Dog Boy! Speak!"
Kiba's eyes fluttered, and he stirred.
"You're okay!" Anko cried, and had sex with Kiba right there. Kiba was very surprised. This was not at all how he'd planed to lose his virginity. To one of one his teachers and covered in toffee... Then the asylum van pulled up, and the men in white coats jumped out.
"There they are! The crazies!"
They pried Anko off Kiba, and put the two in straight jackets.
"Wait, I'm not crazy!" Kiba demanded.
"That's what they all say."
And the van drove off to the scary asylum on the hill.
"Hinata! Are you okay?"
Hinata cracked open her eyes to see Naruto looking at her.
Naruto sighed, then lept back. "Are you normal?" he asked.
"W-what do you mean?" she asked timidly. A smile spread across Naruto's face like butter on a muffin.
"YOU'RE OKAY!" He cheered, and hugged Hinata. It was at that point she realized she was not only being hugged by Naruto, but neither of them were wearing a damn thing. She turned a violent shade of red, and passed out.
"Hinata? You okay?"
Naruto turned to see Kakashi and Tenten coming down the street towards him.
"Woah, why aren't you wearing anything?" Kakashi asked. He tossed Naruto some spare pants.
"Well, Hinata's back to normal." Naruto concluded as he put on the pants.
"I guess this story has a happy ending after all." Kakashi said happily.
"Happy ending? What are you talking about?" Tenten spoke, "Sasuke was arrested for the murders of three kids, Lee is probably being killed as we speak, Neji has that suit fused with his skin for the rest of his life, Gai skipped town to avoid Neji's wrath, Choji killed himself, Shino has a fatal wound, Ino's wedding was ruined, Naruto and I have mental scars, Anko and Kiba have been taken to the mental institution, Iruka died in a tragic scrabble accident,"
"Hey guys!" Iruka said, walking over.
"Iruka sensei!" Naruto waved. "I thought you were killed in a tragic scrabble accident?"
"Where'd you get that idea?" Iruka said, raising an eyebrow.
"But Kakashi said..." Tenten began.
"Eh, I say a lot of things." Kakashi shrugged. Then another 18 wheeler came and hit Iruka.
"Oh yeah, we're still in the street, huh?"
"Yeah, lets take our conversation elsewhere."
So the three of them moved to the sidewalk, dragging Hinata's body and Iruka's bloody corpse.
"As I was saying," Tenten resumed, "Iruka died in a tragic motor vehicle accident, Sakura turned into the Joker and was transported to another dimension destined to kill happy little animals with a meat cleaver for the rest of her life, all the Akatsuki were taken to different dimensions..."
"Since when was that a bad thing?" Naruto interrupted. Tenten silenced him with a glare.
"Anyway, Hinata's dad was brutally injured, Akamaru was probably skinned, Asuma just died from lung cancer, Jiraiya was arrested for lewd acts, Tsunade got raped, No one really knows what happened to Shizune or Tonton, hundreds of minor characters are dead, and there's a giant unconcious lobster in the middle of town that you were to lazy to kill!"
"Oh deal." Kakashi pfftd.
Naruto counted off on his fingers "So the only ones who got off scot free were Hinata, Shikamaru..."
"Actually, Shikamaru's dead." Kakashi informed.
"When did that happen?" Tenten inquired.
"Well, while he was asleep his organs decided subconscious breathing was far too troublesome, so everything just shut down."
"It's probably how he wanted to go."
"So only Hinata and I suffered no ill effects of yesterday's and today's acts." Kakashi said.
"Well, you were uncool for a little while, but you got it back, so yeah it looks that way." Naruto shrugged. Kakashi did a little victory dance.
"We still have to do something about this lobster..." Tenten said.
"I've got an idea!" Naruto smiled. The other listened closely.
Kankuro was carefully applying his makeup, when suddenly the whole house shook. He grimaced when he saw he'd shoved the tube of lipstick up his left nostril.
"TEMARI!" he yelled, pounding upstairs. "What's going on?"
Temari came out of the kitchen, wearing what looked like this evening's supper.
"I don't know! Why do I have to know everything?" she yelled putting her hands on her hips
The two argued for a minute, then Gaara calmly came downstairs.
"There's a giant lobster outside if you care."
Temari and Kankuro looked outside to indeed see a giant lobster wearing boxing gloves destroying Sunagakure.
"HOLY CRAP!" Kankuro exclaimed.
"This is terrible!" Temari said, looking distraught.
"I know, and it's not even the worst of it." Gaara sighed.
"What on earth could be worse than a giant lobster destroying our town?" Temari asked.
"Lies, that's what."
The other two raised their eyebrows at the same time.
"Gaara, what are you talking about?" Kankuro wondered.
"Back in chapter 5, The Handsome Blue Beast clearly stated that we would not appear again in this fic. But we have. He has lied to his faithful readers, who so dearly left him over 250 reviews. And he's gotten very off topic. The title is called The Oddest Birthday, yet it is no longer Naruto's birthday. "
"Gaara, are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever or something?" Temari asked, worried.
"I'll be back." Gaara said, leaving.
"Wait, Gaara!" Kankuro shouted, but he was already gone.
I was typing this very chapter in my room, when suddenly the door bursts down.
"G-Gaara!" I say, clearly shocked that a fictional character has just broken into my room.
"Hello, Handsome Blue Beast." He coldly speaks. " I have some business to finish."
"H-how did you find me?"
"N-now wait just a minute Gaara!" I try to reason, crawling away yet still typing. "We can figure something else out!"
"No." he says, and wraps me in sand, but leaves one hand free to type.
"The good folks at won't have to deal with your lies anymore."
Hello readers! This is the Beast's faithful sister and editor, I'm sure he has told you all about me right? Right? Uh, well anyways he's a little busy being dead right now so here I am finishing up the chapter for him. I know he would have wanted it that way... sniff...
So I bet you didn't think Kiba was going to be the one who got raped did you? Oh and after Hinata found out what happened she was very embarrassed but Naruto realized how great she Hinata really was and they lived happily ever after... because I say so! No, I guess we'll never really know what happened to Hinata and Naruto... thanks a lot Gaara... and not to mention the huge mess he left in my house. I'll be cleaning up sand for months!
Well anyways here's to the final chapter of the inappropriately named Oddest Birthday! Huzzah!