Author's Note: Written for the rtchallenge, this is a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY LB!…semi-awkward sexin' in uncomfortable locations. This is my second try at it and it reeks of written-in-one-day-unbeta'd-smut but you know how it goes… 'Wanton Moans' credit to Ishie. I know, it's been a while since I posted and I will update stuff soon but not at the moment - graduate school is keeping me very very busy. Please read and leave a review!

Oh, the Places I'll Take You

"Quick, give me your jacket," Tonks orders him, fumbling in her purse for her wand and Remus obeys, slipping the tweed monstrosity off and wrapping it around her shoulders. It's much too big for her and it smells like him, especially around the collar and it's a bit distracting since she likes how he smells very much but now's not the time for contemplation. She finds her wand and follows him into the alleyway, drawing the coat around her as she does.

He looks back at her, stifling a laugh – she can imagine what she looks like, the coat's covering her skirt even - and she puts a finger to her lips and frowns in what she hopes is a threatening way.

"Priceless," he mouths, then turns back to the task at hand.

Tonks didn't think Death Eaters would ever go into a Muggle restaurant in search of their prey (a older ministry official who liked peanut sauce, apparently) but nothing had ceased to surprise her anymore. Well, except for the sheer number of Death Eaters, which was somewhere around ten. They'd managed to stun most of them but the man was gone, and now, being followed by Death Eaters isn't what she wants, not on their official first date. If they're being followed, they need to run.

"Have you ever driven a Muggle car?" Tonks asks, back pressed against the building. Remus nods, his body tense and that jumper he's wearing tonight really complements his skin tone, she thinks.

"Yes. You?"

"Yes, but I'm shit at it. Anyone's better than me." She jerks her head towards the car right outside the alley, a two-door. As an Auror, she should be thinking in better, bigger, broader strokes but right now a get-away car is the best she can do.

"What?" Remus looks surprised, and when she jerks her head again, albeit angrily, towards the car, he gives in and waves his wand at it, opening the doors and turning on the engine. Tonks looks both ways and pulls out her wand, shooting off a unicorn Patronus ("Really, Tonks, that's ridiculous" "Your face is ridiculous, Remus") and then casts a spell at the trashcans behind them, hoping they'd rattle enough to be a suitable distraction. Remus throws open the passenger-side door, and she dives in.

"Where am I going?" Remus asks, stepping on the gas and throwing her into the dashboard. The night is cold and she tugs his coat around her more, grateful for his chivalry.

"Not sure – a block or two, into an alleyway? Moody would shit if he knew we'd let Death Eaters get away."

"This is true," Remus says, concentrating on the road and looking for an alleyway.

"But we never expected them to be there," she says. "I would have to pick the only Thai restaurant in London being staked out by Death Eaters for a first-date location. Fuck."

Remus laughs and reaches for her hand, giving her it an affectionate squeeze and she feels a lot better, at least for now.

"I still had a lovely time," Remus tells her.

"That's because I have a low-cut dress on," she reprimands him, blushing slightly from his compliment.

"The view was almost as wonderful as the company," Remus says, a smile on his face. "Will this alley work?"

She nods. She'd been hoping for something romantic with just the two of them and maybe a nice stroll around town and a snog. Now they're being chased by Death Eaters because they fought back, and in a dark alleyway deep in Muggle London and shit, this is not how months of carefully planning and hints and flirting should reach a climax.

"We should be safe here, for a while," Tonks says but then a bright green glow illuminates the street and no, they are not safe, not at all.

"Shit," she says. And then it's like lightning or divine inspiration or some other cliché, the way the idea comes. She unbuckles her seatbelt and crawls over into Remus' lap, lengthening her hair until its dark chocolate curls. She's straddling him, and the look on his face is shock.

"We're about to get up very close and personal," she says, "which I had intended to do anyway, but remember - I don't put out on the first date."

She places both hands on either side of his face and kisses him, tilting his head back and hers forward so her hair covers both their faces. Then, she kisses him.

She only touches her lips to his, softly, but she's so nervous she can feel her hands shaking. It's a bit awkward and ill-conceived, this brilliant epiphany of twenty seconds earlier, but it was the best idea she had at the time. It's all she's been thinking about ever since he agreed to a date. She's been obsessed with kissing Remus, and so now, her lips pressed against his and hands trembling, she curses herself for letting daydreams get the best of her.

His lips are warm and a little chapped but they seem to fit against hers very well, so she thinks. She can taste something on his lower lip, and can't help but dart her tongue out. Mint. Mint lip balm. She smiles a bit against his lips, then finds that she can't resist and gently applies pressure, moving her lips against his softly and he responds, increasing the pressure and bringing his hands to rest on her waist.

Remus Lupin is an incredibly good kisser. His fingers trace slow circles on her back, and between that and his lips, he's sending shivers right through her. She's going to lose her mind if she keeps doing this. Goddamn he's a good kisser – best first kiss ever.

She pulls back, kisses and tastes the skin under his jaw. It's not fair how good he smells right now, not with her sitting on his lap in a silly black dress and his tweed jacket. Not with Death Eaters out there and their lives in the balance.

"Have they passed us?" she whispers, coming back to his lips and he pulls her head back gently, brushing kisses along the column of her throat to her ear.

"They just did," he says and his breath is hot on her neck. She can't help but bite her lip to hold back a whimper and he says "just another minute, or two. In case they double-back."

"Fine," she says, attacking his lips again with renewed fervor, hands grabbing at the headrest behind him. He meets her attack and she can't help but grind down and she's surprised when his hips involuntarily jerk upward and – oh – he is definitely into this.

She pulls back, breathing heavy. If she had known he's such a good kisser, she would have done this plan long ago.

"So…" she says softly and he smiles.

"So…" he repeats, and he really is dashing when he smiles. She has to kiss him, and he responds enthusiastically, one hand moving from her back to her skirt, thumbs tracing circles on her inner thigh through the fabric. If that's not enough to send the blood pounding through her veins, then the feel of his tongue touching the corner of her mouth threatens to undo her.

"You're not shy at all," she says, breaking away and she's rewarded with a sly smile.

"Not particularly - at least not when in the presence of eager company," he responds and sits up, desperate to kiss her again and she is very glad this plan worked so well –

"Fuck. Death Eaters," she says and Remus' eyes widen.

"If they were going to kill us, they would have done it in the restaurant," Remus says impatiently. Tonks sighs and leans back as he presses soft kisses to her neck. "This isn't a comfortable position – would it be too forward to suggest…" he asks, and she looks into his eyes to find, for all his eager actions, he's frightened that she might change her mind, and stop kissing him or something equally horrible but really, that's the farthest thought from her mind. So she slides away from him and in between the front seats, falling onto the tiny backseat with a bit of grace that surprises her. She winks at Remus.

He slips between the seats with a little more trouble, long limbs bumping against the seat and finally he falls on top of her awkwardly, and she knows that's not what he meant to do but it's not bad, having all of him pressed against her and actually, it's making her happy this car is so damn tiny.

He laughs in the crook of her neck, but soon he's kissing his way up to her face as one hand comes to part the jacket and find her breast. As he rubs his thumb across her nipple, she shifts her legs so he lays between her, hooking one behind him for more room but all that gets her is a jolt when he shifts to kiss her and they are pressed together and it feels very nice.

She lifts her hips just a little and he groans. "I thought you don't put out on the first date," he says and she laughs, a little, ready to say I never said I was going to put out but his eyes catch hers, and spiraling in their amber depths she can see something. And she already knows that they've been circling around each other ever since they met, him too shy to act on any desires and her trying to tempt him, albeit in a modest fashion (whatever she's about to do, she knows she's really not a slag and she's sure he won't think any less of her).

"I make exceptions in life or death situations," she whispers, trying to smile but so nervous she can't really move her lips. The air is thick with tension and then he smiles, slowly and leans down to kiss her. This kiss is slow and soft and aching and she threads her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck, losing herself completely to the way he feels, his lips and body and hands that have left her breasts and have trailed up her leg and are rubbing along her inner thigh.

Remus breaks the kiss and says, quietly, "I want you to know that I am removing your knickers with the utmost respect for you as an individual," and she laughs, fidgeting as he works them off her one leg and then bothers with the other and before he's even done his fingers are searching and finding and she gasps, they're cold but he's soothing her with his mouth, kisses on the top of her breasts, his lanky form bending over to please her.

"I could sit up, you know," she says, moaning a little on the last work and he laughs, the vibrations causing her body to thrum like a guitar string, he's so good at coaxing the music he wants to hear from her lips.

"This is fine," he says and she runs her hands through his hair as he pushes back the dress – she is so glad it's strappy – and – fuck- she scrunches her eyes close, breath coming faster as his hands move faster and he's found her nipple and "Oh, shit."

"Now we can sit up," he says, moving her like a rag doll as she collapses on his shoulder, weightless from her climax. He's still touching her there, still teasing her and she's breathing erratically, searching for his lips, her hands trailing underneath his jumper to feel some part of him that's skin underneath her fingers. He flexes his hips, and she grinds down, forgetting his hand is still there until he yelps a bit and pulls away, laughing. But then he licks his fingers and that's insanely hot for some reason, so she's pulling at the zipper of his trousers and slipping her fingers inside, looking for –

In the books she and her friends read as teenagers (treating each like a sacred tome, the epitome of knowledge) a man's penis was always referred to as a "velvety member" and she knows, now, as she strokes him and feels how soft he is (and he's groaning, oh god that's hot too) that those books, despite their cheesy 'wanton moans' and all that bull, are so incredibly right.

"Maybe we should…" he starts and she helps him unbuckle his belt and slide his pants halfway down and she's straddling him, kissing him and for a second he looks at her, and she says "It's okay, I'm on the potion."

"Really? And you said you don't put out except in life or death reasons," he teases and she shrugs.

"Medicinal reasons," she says, sliding down and oh, fuck. She breathes in heavily and looks at him, breath shaky and he smiles a little, and kisses her long and slow, tongue tracing the contours of her mouth and lips before putting his hands on her hips and moving her, just a little and it's so incredibly good, like this, hands braced on his shoulders and the backseat and oh, god, but –

"I hate to be rude," Remus says breathily in her ear, "but if we're going to do this, we should do it right."

"What - ?" she asks and he shifts, leans back, and he's now diagonal and she's totally on top and it's better this way, much deeper and he moans now and she watch he bites his lip when he comes, only to follow him right over the edge.

"Damn," she says, falling forward and he laughs, stroking her hair back from his face. "I love Muggle automobiles."

"I think the owner is going to hate us," Remus says, and she laughs.

"Mmmm," she says. "Don't want to think about the owner right now. Want to cuddle and smoke a fag."

"Haven't got any, love," Remus says, kissing her forehead, "and I think I'll freeze if I don't pull up my pants."

"Fine," she laughs, sinking further into the backseat and contemplating the repercussions of her actions. At best, Remus wouldn't mind another go. At worst, he'll freak out and never speak to her again. Hopefully, they can reach a middle ground, and at least stay together a while before his martyer complex kicks in and he decides he's too old and too poor and too dangerous for her.

"You know, that was a shit idea," Remus says, turning back around.. "Who's to say that the Death Eaters wouldn't have just killed us? Repopulating the Muggle race and all?"

"I saw it in a movie once," she says sheepishly, slouching down further while Remus laughs until he's crying.

Or maybe she could dump him right now, which would be a plausible option if she wasn't already half-in love with him and just had the best shag of her life in the backseat of a tiny little Astro.

"Where have you been?" Sirius asks the moment they walk into the kitchen. He's been chainsmoking and drinking and he's a jittery mess. "Moody's having a fit – some Death Eaters went to the Thai place you said you were going and –"

"We saw them," Tonks says. "Stunned some of them." She slides into the empty seat across from him, grabbing the last fag in the pack and lighting it.

"So where were you?" Sirius asks. This time, he's looking at Remus.

"Shagging in the back of the car we used to escape when we found out we were outnumbered," Remus says nonchalantly. "Did Molly buy new tea?"

"Yes. Oh. Oh…." Sirius says, his eyes going wide and his mouth open like a fish. "I'll go tell Moody you're back, though he probably already knows, freaky old man." And he's gone from the kitchen, stubbing his toe on the way out.

Remus and Tonks look at each other. "Priceless," she says, and Remus smiles, leaning in to kiss her.

"So what are the odds of a second date?" she asks and Remus smiles.

"Only if you let me pick the restaurant this time," he says, "though I didn't object to the after-supper activities."

As she hits him, playfully, and he runs to the stove to get the kettle, she thinks she can cross out half-in-love, and pencil in totally-in-love. Sodding bastard. He's got a nice arse, though.