A Question of SEX
By Jordan "BluntJoey" Adorno
Ginny Weasley is not a happy camper, no not at all. You see, after that insane Harry Potter vs. You-Know-Who war ended, everything was supposed to become absolutely perfect, follow? But no, it couldn't work out that way damn it! Yes, Voldemort is very for sure dead, indeed you are correct here, but guess who's not? The treacherous Lucius Malfoy, the discording second-hand-man, living on evilly with foul, FOUL intentions!
Are you scared yet? No!? Well you WILL be!
Lucius Malfoy escaped from Azkaban in Ginny Weasley's seventh year, old news really, sometime after Harry had defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and all that. Insanity unleashed, Lucius Malfoy runs down the streets of Diagon Alley screaming for Voldemort, whom he searchingly says is still alive (in spite of those thousands of witnesses to the monumental cremation of Voldemort's body months ago). They almost catch him here and there while he's at this illicit rage, too – except that they don't.
And now our story begins as, in his still deranged mind, Lucius Malfoy steals Harry Potter from a discreet pub in Diagon Alley for no real reason – Or maybe there was. Drum roll – are you scared now, listener? Nevertheless, it's something typical pursuing Lucius here, Ginny will remember as close enough to being correct, something stupidly having to do with honoring He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. And yes, you're guessing right - the man is blisteringly mad, really, trying to get a dead man to like him!
But also, you must be asking, where does Ginny Weasley fit anyway? Well yes, she had spent a few summers with Harry Potter, but it isn't like anyone puts effort into taking Lucius Malfoy seriously. And notwithstanding even, the boy-who-conquered, the-boy-who-lived, the boy who is all that and more, Harry Potter, can surely handle a light sociopath like the bitter old Lucius Malfoy, right? Not exactly – err actually, I mean - well whatever, here's your answer: The sociopath wants Ginny... Oh, now you ARE scared.
All as enclosed in the damning letter addressed to Ginny Weasley herself.
Ginny does not like this inserted ultimatum, no not at all. Ginny thought Harry would be fine, back in a few days, but no, life never stops being complicated, not for her apparently. What will Ginny do now that Lucius Malfoy wants to meet her in the Leaky Cauldron for a drink?
Drum roll! Drum roll! Drum roll!
Hmm, Ginny had liked Harry when she was a child... He had saved her life (more than once, too)... Eh, she owes it to Harry, Ginny ultimately supposes. So fine then, she makes a final decision: I'm going to find a way to save Harry Potter ... well, as long as it fits so that there's time for me to go to the spa as planned, that is.
So journeying into the cold winter night, Ginny walks down Diagon Alley and into the Leaky Cauldron. She orders a drink calmly and sits down anxiously. It is past time already, yes, Lucius is late to his own meeting! Damn it, where is the sociopath? Slytherins are never on time, Ginny remembers silently, knowing this from dating Draco Malfoy in her sixth year- but that is another story, is it not?
And then suddenly, with a Drum Roll! Lucius Malfoy arrives with a theatrical sensation about his pretentious-looking self.
"Finally," says Ginny cattily, sounding brave though she is horrifically wondering if Lucius, her confronting sociopath, may also be a rapist as he composedly sits across from her on the two-person table. But she asks still impolitely, "Where have you been?"
"Ah yes, Draco has retold me how you were always prompt-and-early to your...engagements," Lucius says musingly with a sly smile.
"What did Draco tell you? No one was supposed to know about sixth year!" Ginny exclaims indignantly. "He's such a bloody twit!"
"What happened sixth year? He simply said you were always early to the Divination class you shared," Lucius Malfoy says confusedly, eying her with cared suspicion.
"Oh, uh, right. Yes, well, err, no one was to know!" Ginny self-defends, but then realizes how so off-topic they are. "What do you want with me?" she exclaims, accentuating a brave tone.
"Do you want Harry Potter alive, girl?" Lucius asks with overdramatized urgency, his gray eyes glowing evilly.
"Yes," says Ginny plainly, wanting him to cut to the chase already.
Next, the ex-Death Eater utters this confounding ultimatum, believe it or not, overpoweringly like his words merit Ginny to react with utmost shock and fear. "Well then, Ms. Weasley, I have a bargain for you," Lucius says quietly. "Find me the sex of Blaise Zabini and he is free."
Drum Roll! Drum Roll!
What IS this, you must be asking now, upon reaching this complete nonsense. Yes, well, Lucius is a deranged sociopath as you remember, but, uh, for sure whatever motive behind this outlandish demand has to be something unspeakably nefarious after all ... Yeah. But spontaneously now you say to your curious self, Blaise is obviously a boy, wait, then again ... No, it was a girl for damn sure, wasn't it! No, you say, it was a boy and I can prove it because I've already read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, muahahaha! Nice try, but really, Half-Blood Prince, is that what you stupidly blither about?! Haha, this is Alternate Universe buddy, so take that - DUH...
Ginny is met by this same unexpected intrigue herself. "... Wait, he is a boy isn't he? No wait... Dean went with him, err I mean, her to Hogsmeade one time ... No wait, didn't Parvati? Hmm..." Ginny can only unsurely wonder, it so spookily does seem; and spontaneously rapidly 'all-the-earnest' inward about it, too, curious–but oh no, she is confused! (Now you ARE scared, unsettled straight off your feet now, aren't you?!) Alas prone to misremembering all the sudden, the fuzzy details spookily make her actually investigative. "Wait! I remember seeing him with a beard!"
"That was on Halloween," Lucius corrects, smirking amusedly at her
"Ugh! But why do you care anyway when it's SO unimportant!" Ginny begs out of frustration, rather angrily feeling mocked.
"Why do you?" Lucius whispers back cleverly.
"I don't!" But Ginny now realizes she herself, too, is rather curious. "Well – maybe a little."
"Well, then. Find out and you get Harry back. Now, I know you want to know where Harry is, so I'll lead you on the right track," Lucius clues tentatively, "-he is with Draco."
"Where is Draco?" Ginny asks pleadingly, urgently nerve-wracked.
"Borgin and Burkes, duh," Lucius says as though this is obvious a fact.
"Good, then I'll just walk over there and get him, and there won't be none of this Blaise Zabini nonsense," Ginny recklessly boasts, getting up overly-bravely and now meaning it upon discovering Lucius really is a sociopath... just a sociopath that is, and not a rapist.
"Well, no, no. Harry is hidden, duh! So therefore, silly blood traitor, YOU must go to Draco to find out where Blaise is, duh," Lucius says, sounding annoyed, adding profanely, "if you bloody really plan on saving Potter, anyway."
"Oh for Merlin's Beard, fine then!" Ginny cries out irritably, beyond impatience.
Lucius gets up too - clear that they are finished, too apparently - and as he walks by the barman stops him to ask, "Hey, aren't you..."
But she is instantly interrupted. "-Nope, get it all the time!" Lucius exclaims overbearingly, smiling to himself.
Fully esteemed, now Ginny walks out of the Leaky Cauldron and cuts over to Knockturn Alley, trying to hurry, as she doesn't have all day after all. (Remember she's hoping to hit the spa later on - these winters are cold, don't blame her mate.)
So Ginny searches around, keeping her eyes wide open all the time, until she finds Draco Malfoy loitering outside of Borgin and Burkes. And now she's too impatient to be embarrassed about, err, well never you mind actually - (Sixth year had been a naughty year for her, that it really had!)
"Draco, where is Blaise?" Ginny is most straightforward in her demand utmost immediate.
"Aha, don't tell me, I get this already! Merlin's beard, Father is SO deranged past hope. Why must we play yet another ridiculous game?" Draco complains mournfully, and Ginny suspects that the recent past has tormented him with conflicts similarly brought up from the nonexistence by Lucius Malfoy into heated peril... But those are the no-time-to-be-written stories, never mind that.
"Ugh, why don't you tell me then? What is the sex of Blaise Zabini?" she retorts with a question of her own, "did you not share a dorm?"
"I don't remember," Draco says. "Didn't he date Hannah Abbot?"
"Yuck, what boy would date that?" Ginny asks shockedly, disgusted.
"This is true," Draco agrees; his hand rests against his chin thoughtfully. "But see, there is a spell on Harry. He is invisibly petrified inside his entrapment here and cannot be moved until we find the sex of Blaise."
"Know where Blaise might be?"
"Eh, last I heard Zabini works at a club nearby. I'll go with you, I suppose. Nothing to do here," Draco says curiously, not asking her at all really.
"Well, all right then," Ginny says cooperatively, adding theatrical exclamation as she excitedly announces, "Lead the way!"
And they walk, and they walk, and they walk... And this must be boring for you already, so I shall stop. Alas, so it is that they walk into the club which Ginny does not know is rather... skimpy. But this is 'PG', duh (as Lucius would say), so use your imaginations you naughty little kids.
"Well, Draco, where is Blaise?" Ginny asks. "Do you think I want to see a bunch of women taking..."
"Shh! STOP RIGHT THERE, I TELL YOU!" Draco says in an ironically disquieting loudness. "...This is 'PG'!"
But Ginny does not hear him.
"Blaise is the manager," Draco explains, all the sudden completely calm again, like nothing. "Blaise was who arranged all of our little meetings so conveniently in what you helped make such a, hmm, welcoming seventh year for me."
"And yet you don't know the person's sex!" Ginny screams doubtfully. (Can you blame her? Draco Malfoy infamously enrages everywhere he goes an acrimonious-most given whatsoever mob, tsk tsk, don't we know by now...)
"I never asked, and besides, it's really hard to tell... If I remember," Draco ponders to himself ambivalently.
"You can tell with the eyebrows always," Ginny helps, now calmer.
"Blaise didn't have any," Draco dispels, impressed but shocked at his memory.
"Oh," Ginny returns thoughtfully.
The so very perplexing dilemma leaves the two young soldier-types feeling just a bit wistful, wouldn't you expect?
And so the couple... No wait, that sounds bad. The two of them walk together through the backdoor of the club, and this is where Draco accidentally walks into something too inappropriate for 'PG' storytelling (he is just a boy after all)… Err, but nevertheless, what's important is that they find intimidating, black-cloaked people in this back area.
"Where is Blaise?" Ginny demands outspokenly. "You know him right, the manager here or something?"
But no one responds to her patience-extinct order. Ginny tries again, this time calmly and sweetly, as she really does want to get to that spa after all. (Hermione told her it was good after she broke up with Ron... Another story, my friend.) But to get back to this one (my story which now oddly I understand may no longer be scaring all you listeners, I concede)… Yes, somehow not surprisingly, just like that Ginny simply remains ignored.
"Oh, I hate my life!" Ginny screams.
"You sound like Harry fifth year," Draco says observantly.
"Yeah whatever... Hey, wait! Isn't Blaise the one whose mother who killed for the fortune of all her husbands?" Ginny screamingly ejects this 'thought-to-be' formidable epiphany.
"Um, err no, you're confused," Draco says skeptically, his confusion quite patronizing.
"Oh yes – hmm, I must be in a daze," Ginny says airily.
"Yes, for sure, Weasley, because that isn't the Blaise as we know," Draco asserts a little too hurtfully.
"...Or the Blaise we don't know you mean," Ginny corrects coldly, but quickly reverts to puzzle-piecing. "But hmm, I thought I read that somewhere – oh Merlin's beard, I think I am getting a different Blaise confused!"
"You must be deranged too," Draco decides apathetically.
But Ginny ignores him.
"Did someone say my name?" It is the interjectional sound of a rather deep, intrusive voice that, summoned, an annoyed Ginny and oppositely smiley Draco turns to immediately.
"Blaise!" Draco says dramatically.
Hereby, Ladies and Gentlemen, all perceived foreknowledge is finally overridden by what visually starts to become instantly known truths: Blaise Zabini is quite a pale-skinned person, a pale-skinned person with no eyebrows in fact, and – though Draco does not remember this right away - also is a pale person that's completely bald, and that has eyes emptily pale like his skin (well, maybe slightly darker). Collectedly, Ginny now understands why no one can tell. You really cannot tell. But will we find out?
Oh, the suspense.
"What is the matter here? I haven't seen you lot since school," Blaise says with a deep voice.
Ginny cuts to the point. "Are you a male or a female?" she asks, as though the weather is being discussed. Irritability and impatience runs high in her inflecting loud voice.
Ginny is cut off, as you might have guessed would happen. Blaise looks at her strangely and then says 'Must have heard you wrong'. Ginny prepares to repeat herself, but the cloaked people grab and push him in the opposite direction.
"Time to go," one of them says.
"Oh, they talk to him! This is ludicrous. I am a Malfoy..." Draco starts pompously, but Ginny hushes him.
"Wait! Blaise, please come back... Please! It has to do with Harry Potter!" Ginny says.
Well, you must understand, Harry Potter is a celebrity. Harry Potter is praised above all others in the wizarding world. But does Ginny get the results desired by using his name? Read on my friends...
"He was mean to me in school," Blaise says. "I don't care."
"Blaise, wait...err, did you date Parvati?" Ginny asks.
And at this, Ginny and Draco are both terribly surprised. Blaise begins screaming and crying and pouting like a child.
"I loved her! How dare you mention her to me! We were fine... Until ... Until ... Until ..." Blaise cries with beyond dramatic pretense.
"Well say it already! It doesn't even take that long in movies," Ginny says, impatient.
"What's a movie?" Draco asks.
"Oh it's a Muggle thing where you go and watch people do stuff, I suppose, on a screen. It is like a book, but you watch the scenes happen on a screen. Hermione showed them to me ... I'll take you sometime," Ginny says flirtatiously–yes, flirtatiously! Oh, but can you blame her? Draco Malfoy is rather irresistible, we all know that. What happened sixth year, well, Ginny wouldn't mind more of, I'll tell you that. You better pray for a sequel.
"Sounds nice," Draco says flirting. "But wait, what is the matter with you Blaise?"
Blaise does not respond immediately. Blaise remains on the floor now, crying to, uh, well to herself probably [?], if not to himself, right? MERLIN'S BEARD, well, to whatever it is; yeah, that's right! Ginny watches him, confused and not at all feeling sorry for him. If she does not hurry, the spa will close and that will ruin her day. But it is for Harry... And Harry cannot help himself this time.
"Are you listening to us?" Ginny demands. "We don't have all day. We want to get Harry and get this over with, and you're making this difficult for me."
"I cannot answer this question until ... Until you get me, Parvati Patil!" Blaise pants whiningly, moaning his total utmost refusal like a baby.
"My God, it's like a bad dream," Ginny says. She is now near tears. That spa sounded so nice, and the chances of her going tonight are slim. I mean sure, she cares a lot about Harry, but the spa sounded nice.
"Where is she?" Draco demands lividly.
"She works for your father!" Blaise yells dramatically.
"Huh? My father is on the run, he doesn't work," Draco says, befuddled.
"He owns the club next door under the name 'Tom Riddle'," Blaise says.
"Hmm, that name sounds familiar," Ginny says ponderingly.
"Uh, Ginny, you communicated with him in your first year," Draco says questioningly, uncertain about her sanity.
"Please, I don't remember that rubbish... But wait, yes, he's Voldemort. So when Voldemort died maybe your dad inherited it," Ginny says.
"I see you all are not completely dimwitted," Blaise says dryly.
"You filthy scum, wasting our time, I'm tired, you know, it's not easy being Draco Malfoy, you know, the most handsome, desirable man and all ..." The infamously 'big-chested' Draco officially begins his rather brusque arrogant delivery.
"Come along now, Draco," Ginny says sweetly, grabbing his hand.
Ah... what a twist! We must return to Hogwarts as an English teacher would say ... And revisit the past and all that nonsense. But wait, we've already done that. So I suppose I'm repeating myself. To get on with my story, Draco and Ginny walk and they walk and they walk ... But you're not bored yet, the club is right next door, duh...
"But wait, Draco. Tom Riddle was on the run, too. He couldn't work," Ginny says, using her thinking skills.
"Ah, Ginny, Tom Riddle did what he wanted. Besides, who even remembered Voldemort as Tom Riddle?" Draco says wisely.
"True, I barely remembered him. All that Voldemort nonsense is so old now isn't it? I just wanted to go to the spa tonight. Hermione told me about it," Ginny says conversationally.
"I work for the Ministry, actually," Draco says. "I make quite a bit, really."
"Oh, aren't you the man, Mr. Draco Malfoy!" Ginny mocks sarcastically. "So flattering a man if there ever was one, aren't you Draco?"
Draco looks rather hurt at this. But only for the moment. "Hmm, this is rather nice," he finally says.
(This is a more conservative wizarding dance club actually–well, if there ever was one anyway–its cozy bar and friendly atmosphere always drawing customers. Slow dancing and fully clothed people. There are bartenders and everything. And it is so quiet... Oh, how lovely!)
"WHERE IS PARVATI PATIL?" Draco screams – apparently taking to it that he must bring forth destruction to what was a beautiful display of loveliness.
Draco Malfoy ruins everything, how typical. Ginny silently opines, but doesn't say so out loud.
"She's on break," a bartender says ever so calmly.
"Damn it!" Ginny screams loudly. Draco already ruined the silence.
"She'll be back in a few," the bartender says. "Would you like a drink in the meantime, Sir and Ma'am?"
"Yes, and one for my friend here," Draco orders declaratively, a natural to the Malfoy attitude. "We're going to need some elf-made wine quite soon, mate, you hear?"
"Hermione won't be happy," Ginny giggles as the patronized bartender nods and walks off. "It's why she and Ron broke up. He insulted house elves too much."
"Ah, they would have never worked out. Bickering like little children," Draco says reassuringly.
"She is meant for Harry," Ginny says whimsically.
They both toast to each other.
"Quite a drinker there, Weasley," Draco observes humorously a several moment or three later, smirking at her.
"The Weasley way," Ginny says confidently, smiling back as she finishes her drink. "And I need it for sanity's sake now, believe that! It's justified, so justified my friend."
"Who here needs me? Really now, I have a job." It is the complaining voice of Parvati. "I tell them boys to wait till after work."
"Well we need you now, dearest," Ginny says in a falsely sweet voice. "I'm a girl, so it's different."
"What do you need?" Parvati asks helpfully, mimicking Ginny's false sweetness.
"Well, we here have a sorta, err, QUESTION OF SEX," Ginny explains, slightly too conflictual to be precise in the grandness of the final, all-tantalizing moment sounded-off.
"What? I'm not a lesbian," Parvati says sounding insulted.
"I heard about you and Lavender," Draco says, though he really only just made that up.
"Not like that! We need to take you to Blaise Zabini," Ginny says calmly, or as calm as she could be.
"Ah, I always knew it would happen! I vowed to never see him again!" Parvati screams.
"Yeah, whatever, we had the drama from him already," Draco says. "Come along now."
Ginny and Draco pull Parvati away and take her next door. Now you shall see a stunning revelation I'm sure you think... And you're probably right. This is a one-shot after all. So they walk and walk and walk ... And now you are bored, because as they are pulling an unwilling Parvati, it takes longer.
But they find Blaise once again. He cries harder.
"We don't have time for this. Why did you need her?" Ginny asks.
"Because... Only I know his secret!" she cries. She is crying just as hard as him.
"It's just who I am!" Blaise says. "Why's it so hard to accept? I loved you!"
"But you... But you don't ... But you have ... But no you don't ... Oh, tell them!" Parvati exclaims dramatically and drops to her knees.
"I have both! Nobody wants me because of it. I remain a, well for lack of proper word, a unisex person. Parvati wouldn't love me anymore when we tried..." he begins, but he is stopped before he can continue.
Draco screams two letters out loud (hint: it refers to an all-too-indicative 'rating'), but no one hears. Heh.
"So now we have the answer, then," Ginny says, rather lightly. She finds this all a bit funny, really. "Let's go Draco."
"Yes, we'll leave you to the Hogwarts drama," Draco says, laughing.
And so the two of them leave together, this time hand in hand, as this experience certainly made them rediscover each other, whether for physical or emotional purposes. And so they walk and they walk and they walk... And now you're bored.
And so now in the Leaky Cauldron, they find Lucius waiting.
"Unisex," Ginny announces happily. "Both parts, my God, how frightening."
"That explains why the chap wouldn't let me take him out," Lucius says thoughtfully.
"What? Merlin's beard, oh Father..." Draco says disgustedly.
"You know I like them pale," Lucius self-defends, turning pink, though he finishes rather modestly by monolithically announcing, "Harry is free now."
"Oh Draco, poor little Draco...damn Draco, I've had it with you and your Malfoy brand of silliness! I demand you buy me another drink, that's right! Because, uh, if you do – well, I'll take you to the spa with me," Ginny flirtatiously appeases, and she gets a bit closer to Draco.
"I'll take that offer. With you, there is no QUESTION OF SEX," Draco says and goes over to and whispers in her ear. "I would know."
And so, our story concludes. Harry Potter is free and the adventure makes the headline a few days later when Blaise Zabini's true identity makes the headlines, and somehow, someway, Harry is the hero. He always will be. Ginny and Draco are barely mentioned.
But Draco and Ginny have at least, confidence in each other. Through their many physical and emotional encounters, they have this much. And the bit they have is what anyone who longs for Blaise Zabini shall never have; what absolves any money in Lucius' case and all desiring in Parvati's, simply put, is our newfound, facetious answer to the old-as-day (err, Modern Hogwarts-era, anyway) -
Question of Sex!