The Proposal

(They are at an ice cream store at the counter.)

Holly: Hmm…I think I'll have a strawberry sundae.

Man at Counter: Okay. (to Artemis) And for you?

Artemis: Ah…I think I will take one scoop of orange sherbet in a cup.

Man at Counter: Will do. One minute, please. (he begins putting together the sundae)

Artemis: Holly, you go sit down and rest. I'll get the ice cream.

Holly: Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm perfectly capable of getting my own ice cream.

Artemis: That's okay. Just go anyway.

Holly: (suspiciously) Why?

Artemis: Um…because…I feel like it? I don't know, just because.

Holly: (sighs) Whatever. (goes off in the direction of the tables.)

Man at Counter: Here you go. (hands Artemis ice cream. Artemis pays him, then starts to walk in the direction Holly did. After a moment, however, he stops, pulls something shiny out of his pocket, and puts it on top of Holly's sundae. It quickly sinks into the syrup, but he doesn't notice, and keeps walking. He gets to the table, puts the ice cream down, and sits.)

Holly: Hi.

Artemis: Hi.

Holly: (gets her ice cream, and pushes his toward him across the table.) Eat.

Artemis: Yeah…um…listen, I'll be right back, okay?

Holly: Okay.

(Artemis goes off. After a while, Holly finishes her ice cream. Just as she is swallowing the last bite, Artemis comes back.)

Artemis: Hi. Sorry that took so long.

Holly: It's okay. (eyes him curiously, as though trying to find out by telepathy where he had been, but says nothing.)

Artemis: So, how's your ice cream?

Holly: It was good.

Artemis: (suddenly panicked) You ate it all!

Holly: Yeah, why?

Artemis: You…didn't find anything in it, did you?

Holly: (frowning) No. (suddenly her eyes narrow) You didn't put a bug in or something?

Artemis: No…no, I…(swallows, tries again) No…what I put in was…was a ring.

Holly: (her eyes widen) Oh. You mean…

Artemis: Er…yeah. Will you marry me?

Holly: Sure.

Artemis: Of course, this isn't probably the best time, seeing as you've just swallowed your ring.

Holly: Oh, crud! Are you sure I did?

Artemis: Well, where else could it be?

Holly: Could it have fallen out?

Artemis: Maybe…

(Both get down on hands and knees and search the ground.)

Holly: (after a few minutes' looking) Nope. Maybe you dropped it on the way to the table.

(They both search for a few minutes longer, everywhere they can think of. They don't find it.)

Artemis: Oh, boy. So now we have no alternative. You swallowed it.

Holly: Right.

Artemis: Uh…let's get you to the hospital…

The Hospital

Doctor: Okay, we're all set. She'll be okay.

Artemis: Phew. Thanks.

Doctor: Sure. Have a nice day.

Artemis: You too.

Holly: Bye!

(They leave.)

Artemis: (when they're outside the building) You okay, Holly?

Holly: Yep.

Artemis: Good. Where were we?

Holly: You'd just asked me to marry you.

Artemis: Oh, yeah. Well…uh…I'm glad that's over with.

Holly: Yeah…um...yeah…

(Silence.)

Holly: You know…something tells me we'll be having an…interesting marriage…

Buying the Dress

(They drive up to a store. On the front, it says, "Anne's Wedding Dresses.")

Holly: (looks around as they pull up) Um, Artemis? I think maybe we're in the wrong place.

Artemis: What are you talking about?

Holly: Well, it says, "Wedding Dresses."

Artemis: So?

Holly: (grinning, as though Artemis is joking) You're not telling me I have to wear a dress?

(Silence.)

Holly: (slightly panicked) Ummm…you aren't telling me I have to wear a dress, are you?

(Silence. Artemis has a "didn't-you-know-that?" expression on his face, mostly surprise and a little concern.)

Holly: Please tell me you aren't.

Artemis: Well…that's what the bride normally wears at her wedding.

Holly: AAAAHHH! How could anyone be so cruel as to force the poor brides to wear dresses at their wedding! Now I know why people say marriage isn't a good idea! AAAAAHHH!

Artemis: (rolls eyes)

Holly: Well, you can't make me! You hear? You can't! AAAAAHHH! (points Neutrino at Artemis) I won't wear a dress! AAAAAAAAHHH!

Artemis: (groans) This is going to take a while…

Before the Wedding

(Holly is standing in front of a mirror, and is, by some miracle, wearing a dress. She is, however, being constantly "fixed up" (makeup, making sure her hair is brushed for the thousandth time, etc.) by a bunch of other fairy ladies. Root comes into the room.)

Root: Hey, Holly.

Holly: Hi.

Root: So, how's it going with this whole wedding business?

Holly: I hate this dress, which he insisted that I wear.

Root: Oh. Sorry to hear it.

(Silence.)

Root: I have a wedding present for you.

Holly: Oh. Thanks.

(Root hands her a wrapped box. She opens it and looks at what's inside in surprise.)

Holly: A Neutrino?

Artemis: (coming in) Hi.

Holly: (suddenly looks enlightened) Ohhh! (Looks at Root.) Thanks, Commander! YESSSSSS! (points Neutrino at Artemis)

Artemis: (looks scared) Backing away slowly now…

Holly: (shoots Artemis) Oh, it works! Thanks!

Root: Um, Holly? That isn't exactly what I meant you to do with it…

5 Minutes Later

(Holly is still in front of the mirror, being fussed over by the ladies. Root and Artemis have left, but now Foaly comes in.)

Foaly: Hi!

Holly: Hey, Foaly.

Foaly: Guess what, Holly.

Holly: What?

Foaly: (grins evilly) I knew you liked him. Ha, ha!

Holly: Um… (blushes) I don't. Can we cancel the wedding now?

Foaly: Yeah, right. You just don't want to admit you were wrong.

Holly: Do not!

Foaly: Do too!

Holly: Do not!

Foaly: Do too!

Artemis: (comes in again) What's this I hear about canceling the wedding?

Holly: (looks from Foaly to Artemis nervously) Uh…nothing?

Foaly: It's not nothing!

Holly: Is too!

Foaly: Is not!

Holly: Is too!

Foaly: Is not!

Artemis: Holly.

(Holly and Foaly stop arguing.)

Holly: What?

Artemis: I want you to tell me, slowly and clearly, what happened.

Foaly: What, you don't trust me?

Artemis: Well, she is going to be my wife, so it makes sense that she tells me.

Holly: Um, you really don't want to know.

Artemis: Yes I do.

Holly: No you don't.

Artemis: Yes I do.

Holly: No you don't.

Foaly: Yes he does.

Holly: You be quiet!

Foaly: Well, he does!

Artemis: Yeah, I do.

Holly: AAAAARGH! (shoots them both with Neutrino. Silence. All the ladies have crept away in fright.)

Holly: Ahhh…bliss.

2 Minutes Later

(Artemis has woken up. They are still in the same room, and the ladies are coming back one by one. Artemis and Holly are arguing fiercely, as usual.)

Holly: Listen, Mud Boy...

Artemis: I'm not a Mud Boy! I'm a Mud Husband!

Holly: Whatever!

The Ceremony

Wedding Guy: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Artemis Fowl and Holly Short.

Root: We are? I thought this was cooking class. I'll be leaving now. (gets up, starts to walk away)

Holly: Oh no you don't!

Root: Well, I didn't want you to marry him anyway!

Holly: I believe that's my decision.

Root: I'm the Commander here! I make all the decisions!

Holly: But it's my personal decision!

Root: Whatever. I still think you shouldn't marry the Mud Boy.

Holly and Artemis, simultaneously: IT'S MUD HUSBAND!

(They look at each other, and Artemis starts laughing. Holly glares.)

Artemis: (after a minute, gasping) Okay, I'm done now. You can go on.

(Artemis, however, snickers occasionally throughout the ceremony.)

Wedding Guy: (takes a breath to go on)

Holly: Wait a minute. (goes over and ties Root to his chair, then comes back) There. Proceed.

Wedding Guy: (wearily) Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of Artemis Fowl and Holly Short. And I'm going to kill the guy who wrote this speech for me.

Holly: My name is actually Short.

Wedding Guy: Oh. Nevermind, then. Right. Dearly Beloved, we are…

Holly: Just skip that first part. You've already said that twice.

Wedding Guy: Will do. Right…um…(running his finger down a paper)…uh…aha! Okay...If any of you think this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Root: (tries to stand up, fails) I do!

Holly: Shush!

Root: Well, I do!

Holly: Be QUIET!

Root: Okay, but…

Holly: (interrupting) No, you don't!

Root: But I…

Holly: AAAARGH! STOP!

Root: (all in one breath) ButIhavetogotothebathroom!

Holly: (sheepishly) Oh.

Wedding Guy: This is not a kindergarten class.

Holly: Here. (goes over and unties him) But you'd better not run away. In fact…Artemis?

Artemis: (quickly) No.

Holly: But…but you didn't even know what I was going to say!

Artemis: I can guess.

Holly: Oh, really? What did you think I was going to say?

Artemis: You were going to ask me to guard him.

Holly: No.

Artemis: Oh. What were you going to say then?

Holly: (innocently) I was going to ask you to guard the door.

Artemis: That's the same thing!

Holly: No, it's not. The commander is not a door.

Artemis: Ugh. Fine. (to Root) But you'd better hurry. I want to get back to my wedding. (glares pointedly at Holly, who glares right back. They walk off.

(A few minutes later, Artemis returns. The church is a mass of whispers, and once Artemis comes in, everyone looks at him. Holly looks too, and glares when she doesn't see Root.)

Holly: Where is he?

Artemis: (wearily) I don't know, but wherever it is, it's not here. I waited a long time, and knocked several times, and he didn't answer. I went around the building to make sure, but I think he went out the window.

Holly: Aaaargh! (sighs) Oh, well. I guess we'd better keep going.

Wedding Guy: Thank you. Now, where was I? (after staring at paper for a few moments, obviously not reading) Oh, yes… (insert words of ceremony which I don't know)

Artemis: No, you were supposed to say (insert more words of ceremony which I don't know)

Holly: Artemis! Don't correct the wedding guy!

Artemis: Well, he did it wrong!

Holly: Yeah, but you still shouldn't correct him.

Artemis: Yes, I should! If he says it wrong—

Holly: (interrupting) Then nothing will happen!

Artemis: Will too!

Holly: Will not!

Artemis: Will too!

Holly: Will not!

(They continue arguing. Wedding guy tries to get attention again.)

Wedding Guy: Um...excuse me? Excuse me!

(No one pays the slightest bit of attention. Holly and Artemis are still arguing, and everyone else has their eyes glued to the pair as if they are a TV screen instead of two people arguing.)

Holly: WILL NOT!

Artemis: WILL TOO!

Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (shoots Artemis with Neutrino, which she so conveniently has with her.)

Wedding Guy: (gaping in amazement)

Holly: (innocently) Continue.

Wedding Guy: ...Do you, Holly Short, take this man as your lawfully wedded husband (etc.)...?

Holly: I do.

Wedding Guy: Do you, Artemis Fowl, take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife (etc.)…?

Artemis: (wakes up, mumbles) I do. (goes unconscious again)

Wedding Guy: ...

After the Ceremony

(It is semi-dark in the church, and everyone has gone away except for Holly, who is sitting quietly in a chair drumming her fingers on its arm and looking extremely bored.)

Artemis: (stirs, wakes up) Ugh...how long was I out?

Holly: (looks up) Finally!

Artemis: Yes, but how long was I unconscious?

Holly: Five hours. You missed the reception and all that stuff.

Artemis: That's okay. All that stuff is boring.

Holly: And here I thought you might change.

Artemis: Well, it is! And I'm bored now, too.

Holly: You sound like Grub.

Artemis: I am!

Holly: (sighs, pulls out math book and gives it to him) Here.

Artemis: Yes! (gets paper and pencil from Holly and starts doing math) Now this is what I call fun!

Holly: (sighs) It's going to be a long night…

Later that Night

(It is now practically pitch-dark in the church. Holly has, apparently, gone home. The only person we see is Artemis, who has by some strange miracle produced a flashlight. He's still doing math.)

4 a.m. the Next Morning

(Artemis is still sitting doing math. He pauses for a moment, looks at it, then pulls out another sheet of paper, already covered with writing. He looks at this, shakes his head, then pulls out a big fat red marker and begins putting large checkmarks on it. Holly comes in.)

Holly: (yawns) Artemis? You're still here? (she peers over his shoulder at the paper) Doing math?

Artemis: (doesn't respond)

Holly: (after a moment) Artemis? Artemis! ARTEMIS!

Artemis: (looks up, startled) Oh! Hi, Holly. How are you?

Holly: (her mouth works for a minute, as though she can't believe what she's hearing) I—you—but—you've just stayed all night in a church on the floor doing math, after we just got married no less, and now I come in and you ask me how I am!

Artemis: The tyranny begins…

First Baby

(We see a hospital bed. Holly is in it, looking tired and pale but triumphant. Artemis is with her. Holly has a bundle of white blankets in her arms, which after a moment squeals and announces its presence, despite the fact that all eyes are riveted on it.)

Holly: It's a girl.

Artemis: Wow.

Holly: I can't believe it.

Artemis: Wow.

Holly: She has your black hair.

Artemis: Wow.

Holly: What do you think we should name her?

Artemis: Wow.

Holly: (turns her head sharply to look at him) WHAT!

Artemis: (jumps slightly, as if startled) Huh?

Holly: I said, what do you think we should name her?

Artemis: Um…how about Diana?

Holly: Why?

Artemis: Well, Diana is the Roman equivalent of the goddess Artemis.

Holly: There's a goddess Artemis?

Artemis: Of course. Don't you remember? Spiro? Artemis, the hunter? The goddess Artemis is the goddess of the moon and the hunt.

Holly: Oh. Okay. I like that name. There's only one problem…

Artemis: What?

Holly: You have a girl's name!

Artemis: We've known each other for goodness knows how long and been married for goodness knows how long and you didn't know that!

Holly: No.

Artemis: Wait a minute. Yes you did.

Holly: No, I didn't.

Artemis: Yes, you did. Remember Spiro?

Holly: Yeah! How could I forget? That maniac tried to kill you!

Artemis: (to the world at large) And that would be how I make sure she still loves me. Otherwise I'd think she didn't.

Holly: Hey! (punches him in the arm)

Artemis: (ruefully, rubbing his arm) I guess I deserved that.

Holly: Yeah, you did. Now, what were we saying? Oh yeah. (sing-song) You have a girl's name! Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh! You have a girl's name! You have a girl's name! You have a girl's name! You have a girl's name!...

Artemis: I sense a coming migraine in the Force…

First Argument (Oops, did I say first? I meant nine billion, 86 million, five thousand seven hundred twenty-fourth and counting)

Artemis: Yes it is!

Holly: No it isn't!

Artemis: Yes it is!

Holly: No it isn't!

Artemis: Yes, it is!

Holly: No, it isn't!

Artemis: YES IT IS!

Holly: NO IT ISN'T!

Artemis: YES IT IS!

Holly: Look, I know I'm right.

Artemis: How can you know you're right!

Holly: (sing-song) Because you have a girl's name! You have a girl's name! You have a girl's name!...

Artemis: Ergh…

Second Baby

(Hospital bed again. Holly is holding another bundle of blankets, this time blue. Artemis is holding a small black-haired girl by the hand, and all three are looking at the baby adoringly.)

Holly: Aww, look! He's yawning. The sweet little thing.

Artemis: He has your hair.

Diana: I have your hair, Daddy.

Artemis: That's right, sweetie.

Holly: (mutters) And we've heard this how many times now!

Artemis: Fifty-two and counting.

Holly: That was a rhetorical question.

Artemis: Tough.

Holly: Aaaaugh! (pulls out Neutrino and shoots Artemis)

Artemis: (falls)

Holly: That's better.

Artemis: (wakes up) You know, you probably shouldn't exhibit violence to them at this young an age.

Holly: (grins evilly) Tough.

Artemis: (chooses to ignore this) Now then, what should we name him?

Holly: How about William? Foaly William.

Artemis: Foaly.

Holly: Yes. Foaly. Why? Something wrong with that?

Artemis: Foaly is a centaur.

Holly: And he's my best friend.

Artemis: (frowning) I thought Root was your best friend.

Holly: They both are.

Artemis: Whatever. The fact remains that Foaly is a centaur.

Holly: Foaly is a fitting name.

Artemis: For a centaur!

Holly: Now you're insulting my best friend!

Artemis: No I'm not! I simply wished to make the point that Foaly is not a human name! It is a centaur's name!

Holly: Yes, well, it's fitting to name my child, human or not, after my best friend!

Artemis: Are we going to name the next one Julius then?

Holly: Maybe.

Artemis: That was a sarcastic comment.

Holly: (shrugs) Hey, can I help it if it's true?

Artemis: Ask a question, get a question. Answer me honestly: Did you ever like Foaly?

Holly: You mean, like, have a crush on!

Artemis: Yes. I won't be mad if you did, everyone has crushes.

Holly: Ha! Yeah, right. Like Foaly!

Artemis: Hey, it's a possibility.

Holly: Sure. Whatever you say. No, Foaly's just a good friend, and always has been. But I still think we should name this one Foaly William.

Artemis: (sighs) Whatever. Foaly William it is. (mutters) I'm too nice.

Third Baby

(Hospital room once again. This time there are two other children. Six-year-old Diana is being good, standing near Artemis and watching the baby with loving eyes, as are Artemis and Holly, but two-year-old Foaly is running around knocking things over, bumping into furniture and generally being a two-year-old hurricane. The baby's blankets are once again white.)

Holly: Well, it's a girl, so we can't name her Julius.

Artemis: We could name her Juliet.

Holly: (explodes into laughter)

Artemis: What!

Nurse: (sticks her head in) That's not very good for you, you know.

Holly: (chokes, recovers herself) Laughter is the best medicine.

Nurse: Not when you've just had a baby, it isn't.

Holly: Look, we're trying to have a family conversation here, so please bug off.

Nurse: But—(stops as she sees Neutrino pointed at her) Uh, right. Have a good conversation! (goes hurriedly out, casting frightened looks at the Neutrino as she does. Holly calmly puts it away again.)

Artemis: You could be a little nicer to people, you know.

Holly: Look who's talking.

Artemis: Well, at least I have an excuse.

Holly: Excuse? What excuse?

Artemis: I'm a genius, and people treat me like I'm not.

Holly: (snorts)

Artemis: They do!

Holly: Whatever. You want an excuse, you get an excuse. They've been looking at me strangely.

Artemis: Think about it.

Holly: What are you talking about?

Artemis: You're three feet tall, for goodness' sake!

Holly: You know you've sunk to the all-time low when your husband starts making smart remarks about your height.

Artemis: I wasn't making smart remarks! I was merely making an observation which could explain the funny looks! I mean, how many people do you know who are three feet?

Holly: As it happens, quite a lot.

Artemis: Let me rephrase that: How many people does an ordinary human see who are three feet?

Holly: More smart remarks.

Artemis: It's called science.

Holly: Whatever. You know, I'm beginning to think you liked Juliet once. Did you? Artemis: You mean, like, have a crush on!

Holly: Yes. I won't be mad if you did, everyone has crushes.

Artemis: Ha! Yeah, right. Like Juliet!

Holly: Hey, it's a possibility.

Artemis: Sure. Whatever you say. No, Juliet's just a good friend, and always has been. By the way, do you get the sense we've said this before?

Holly: (grins evilly) Of course. I wondered when you'd notice. That's what I was aiming for. How about Solara?

Artemis: What?

Holly: Maybe we should name the baby Solara.

Artemis: What's the significance of that?

Holly: Nothing. I just like the name.

Artemis: I think that would be a mistake.

Holly: What? Why?

Artemis: Research has proven that people with strange names often turn out to be strange in some way.

Holly: Oh, that's just nonsense.

Artemis: No it's not, it's research and science!

Holly: I'm fed up with your precious science!

Artemis: Do you want our child to be strange!

Holly: No, but I don't believe all that stuff. It's an old wives' tale, nothing more.

Artemis: In this case, an old husbands' tale, but...

Holly: Whatever!

Artemis: If we can't agree, we'll have to agree to disagree.

Holly: Um, Artemis? I don't think that'll work this time.

Artemis: Oh, right. How about Laura?

Holly: What's the significance of that?

Artemis: (grins) Nothing. I just like the name.

Holly: How about Laura Solara?

Artemis: Yeah. Okay then. Sure. Laura Solara.

Holly: (amazed) You're not going to argue?

Artemis: I've long since learned that arguing is futile when you have that Neutrino with you.

Holly: Finally. Good for you. I was beginning to think you would never learn.

Artemis: Whatever. (mutters) I hope this isn't a mistake...