Angst fic that just happens to involve GW characters. Someone is sending the letter that's never been sent. Someone is having their heart broken all over again. Someone's heart was shattered a long time ago. And someone else is pretending they've moved on. But a name doesn't change a thing.
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There's A Letter That's Never Been Sent
There's a letter that has never been sent. It sits on the coffee table, sometimes it lies on the bedside table. This letter, it holds one million secrets that the world should never read. But at the same time, it holds one million pauses and tremors and fluctuating silences. The writer of the letter, wrote it fifty times or more. It never had the right words because there are no such words in the world. It never stood out enough because there must be a thousand people in the world who have tried the same tricks and flashed the same smiles. Before the writer wrote the words, he wondered if a day would come when she would read the words that he had poured his heart in to. And then the wondering became confusion and the confusion became pain. Everything he should have said before was nothing to her now. But as his heart flew down through his pen he couldn't help but feel himself break, tear, die inside. She would never care for these words. Not now, not anymore.
So he sat in the silence of his lonely home, wishing that he could write a letter that would make her dream, inspire her to love, call her to him. Back to his arms. And every day for weeks on end he would wake to see that letter sitting there in the centre of the graveyard of it's ancestors. Torn and scrunched, discarded in recklessness and tears. Lost in the pursuit of a whim to say sorry. A whim to start again. And every morning he looks about the graveyard of dead letters and sighs. Then he looks at the one left breathing, the one left breathing but waiting for him to give it heart. Every morning he picks up the pen. Some mornings he puts it straight back down, as the emotions it draws forwards are too much for him to bear. Some mornings he writes a word. "Dear" "Dearest" "Hi". But not once to date has he managed to write her name. Because her name is a memory of a life he had forgotten. An existence he had left behind.
But that life, the life he thought he had left behind, it plagues him and torments him. Her smile haunts his dreams, along with friends and faces he thought he had managed to bury in dusty boxes he thought he would never have to open again. But this old life refuses to wither away. Its characters still shine in his memory and whilst other memories are battered and jaded, his old life is still defiant.
This new hospital is dank and dark and cold. It has no colour, no warmth, no life. Some days he watches the world through the window, gazing out with troubled blue eyes. Wondering if he should go back, wondering if things could have been different, wondering what she is doing now. He stares at the raindrops as they trickle, tracing their way down the frozen, lifeless pane like the tears he secretly cries when he is alone in the dark. His heart as dead and icy as the glass. Colourless, tasteless, soundless, listless, helpless, hopeless, restless, faithless, dreamless, lifeless, loveless, sleepless. Dead but taunted by still being alive. Nothing matters to him anymore, he just lives life on a vague knowledge of what must be done. Not on friends and smiles.
Guilt is a strange thing, but no stranger than love. Which in turn is no stranger than life. You can feel like you've known someone forever, feel like you've loved them for longer and yet you've only known them for a few months. Fear and doubt can tell you to walk away, tell you to draw your lips back before you get hurt. But there will always be a part of you with someone else. With a person who (though you may only realise it deep inside your heart of hearts) is your world. Sometimes you realise in time. But sometimes you're not so lucky. You walk away, say things that should never be said, things you don't mean but things you can't erase. And there aren't enough apologies in this world, in past and in future. There will never be enough regret, enough guilt, enough remorse.
What would you say if I told you now that he is me and her is you? If this was how I felt, and that was what you made me feel?
I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, I didn't realise I had. I'm sorry when you told me what I was doing, by walking away, that I ran. I'm sorry for not being able to stop thinking about you, dreaming of you, loving you. But I can't stop. I don't know what you're doing now, who you're loving. I hope you were able to move on from me and that I did not lead you to feelings like the feelings I feel as I am forced to live with my mistakes.
I hope every star you wish on comes true, every hope you hang on comes through, I hope you find everything you've been dreaming of and I hope you have found someone who will love you and who you can love. Someone who makes you happy, because if I know you are happy then I can know something good has come out of the wreckage of my life.
These words didn't come easily. I'm sure you know how hard it is for me just to write them down. You must know what you mean to me. I hope you find everything you are worthy of. I'm gonna miss you, I already do. But I only wish you happiness and love. I cry when I think of you, tears of joy and sadness at once. I hope that once you have read this, you are able to tear it up and throw it away. Walk away. I hope you have guardian angels because I don't watch over you when you come undone anymore. Wherever you may be in this world, you will always have me with you. All of my heart, my life. The colour from my world. I let you go unselfishly. Everyone needs time to be alone, but I have taken too much time and I have lost you. Maybe time will bring you back. And if it does, you'll always have a place in my heart. I will always be here if you need arms to hold you. Someone to watch over you. Someone who will let you cry to them. I'm forever by your side. And I shall always regret walking away, regret telling you I didn't mean it. I never meant to throw words to the wind. When I said I loved you, that's what I meant. I have no pride in the way I treated you.
There's a letter that has never been sent until now. This is the letter. From me, to you. It took me so long to send. I hope it reaches you soon. Reaches you safely. Because I am not sending you a letter. I am sending you my soul, my heart, my life, my love. My everything, although I have nothing because you were my world. I am so sorry my dearest and most treasured Caroline. I sign my name to admit to my flaws and the fatality of my love you. There is no one else to blame but me. I would seal this letter with a kiss, but I lost the right to kiss you when I walked away.
I sign my name,
Yours, with the truest sincerity love knows,
There's a letter that reached it's destination, found it's way safely from one to another. Its message wasn't distorted or changed or misunderstood. From a broken heart to one that broke as it read the words that had flown from his pen. This letter had taken months to be written and merely a few minutes to be read. Although it will be read once more every night before being committed to memory as she dares to close her eyes and dream. Its effect was felt more than time can measure. A single tear traced down her cheek, like the raindrops he watches as he wishes for a second chance. She remembered his blue eyes. They used to be so bright, so kind. What changed? His heart. It became heavy from fear and love. And she knew she would never look in to those eyes again. It killed her inside, but she knew it was too late for them. Too much time had passed for her to run to him, or him to come to her. Maybe time would heal the wounds, but destiny would have to bring them together in its own time. Maybe one day.
"Damn it Mac, I still love you" she whispered softly. His name escaped from her lips like a forgotten promise. But really, it was a secret wish.
There is a note. Marked urgent. Passed on quickly. It reaches its destination safely. Its words are felt deeply, read briefly but re-read one thousand times for every day that passes by.
I sit and stare through windows now, in case one day I find your eyes looking back at me. A single teardrop rolls down my cheek as I think of you, but know that we will never see each other again. I love you and I always will, and I accept (with a broken heart) the kiss you feel you don't deserve.
Sincerely yours forever and always,
p.s. I'm sorry Mac, but he was there.