By Legacy: Legacychaos@aol.com

Disclaimer: Evangelion and Gainax...BELONG TO ME HAHAHAHA!!!!
*sniper's bullet shatters coffee mug* (sweatdrops) Hehehe...just kidding.


My Blue Rain


I am Rei Ayanami, Eva Pilot of Unit 00. As usual, I find myself gazing out of my
classroom window. Across the horizon, I can see dark clouds roaming in the sky.
Once again the rains have started. It has been raining for the last three days.
All though many do not favor it, I enjoy the rainfall. It is probably the only
time when the world seems less congested with noise and everything is
momentarily at peace.

I look away from the window and notice the classroom is finally empty. School
being concluded for the day, I am alone now with the serenading sounds of the
waterfall as they hit the windowsill. I gather my wash rag and bucket to begin
my task. Today was my turn for classroom duty.

This is probably the only time I enjoy being at school. When everyone is gone.
No noise, no nonsense, only peace. All there is, is me, alone to my thoughts.
Alone to my thoughts on life. My thoughts on my own existence. My thoughts of
'him.'

The Commander...

It seems I owe everything to Commander Ikari. He gave me life, for he was my
creator. And he gave me Eva, my purpose.

Unlike the Third Child, my trust in Eva has never been questioned. I know that
Eva, was what I was created for and I have been entrusted to serve. But since
Ikari-kun's arrival, there have been times I have considered life beyond Nerv.
And possibly life beyond Commander Ikari.

What would my life be like? What would be my purpose? Would I still be alone?

Loneliness....

Since when did I worry about such a thing? My life in Nerv has been consisted of
thousands of names and faces. Personnel, Officials, Doctors. I interact with
many, but I know so few. And even fewer know me.

No...that is incorrect. No one knows me, not even the Commander. No one knows what
I am or how I feel. Nor has anyone cared.

I am alone...

Although I came to this conclusion a long time ago, the truth still displeases
me. I...There is still so much I don't know about and so much I desire.
Happiness. Friendship. Love. Things most people take for granted, but are things
that are so foreign to me. Yet I find myself still craving and wanting them.

But in the end I know I will never achieve any of these sensations. After Eva is
completed, my existence will be no longer needed. My life will continue on as it
has been. A lifeless void of emptiness. No one will remember me. No one will
care. Eventually I would have been nothing but a memory.

This is another conclusion that I have formed and I have accepted it. But why?
Why now does my hands still shake when I think about what is inevitable....

*****

There was a small creak in the classroom, as the door is slowly opened. The
girl's azure colored bangs swayed slightly as she turned to the room's new
visitor. Her intense cerise eyes met with soft cobalt blue ones. The Third
Child, body drenched do to the rain's downpour, now stood before her.

Shinji lowered his gaze to her, then went for a towel to dry off.

As he did, the cerulean haired girl found herself watching his every move. Then
in an instant, a sudden feeling of ease found her. Although there was a lot of
emptiness in her life, she realized she wasn't completely alone. She did have
someone. Maybe not a total friend, maybe not a true love. But she did have
someone.

Despite her usual calm composure, she allow a small smile to escape her lips.
That is till the boy turned his attention back towards her.

"Gomen nasai, Ayanami..." The boy said as he approached her. "I forgot that I
had classroom duty with you."

"It makes no difference, I would have completed the tasks anyway Ikari-kun..."
She said in a quiet voice.

At this the boy seemed kind of dejected. He looked through one of the windows.
The rain was starting to come down heavier. Then as if on cue, there was a
suddenly flash of lighting that blanketed the sky. It was as if the storm was
reminding everyone about the chaotic conditions outside.

The brown haired boy winced at the thought of venturing out into the storm this
early. Then the girl continued. "But if you wish, you can start with sweeping
the floors." She added calmly. The girl then started to soak her wash rag and
attended to the floors.

Shinji nodded slightly. "Ok Ayanami..." and then walked over, gathered the broom
and started sweeping.

The girl frowned slightly at his reference to her. Ayanami. Despite his
seemingly absurd relationships with Soryu and Katsuragi. He has often been on
very personable terms with them. But his relation with her...The two always
seemed so distant.

'What am I to Ikari-kun?' She wondered. Rei glided the washrag over the floor.
'What is he to me?'

For the second time that afternoon, the girl found herself observing the young
boy. Who at the moment seemed to be more lost in looking at the weather outside.

*****

Shinji found himself gazing into the window and observing the rainfall. As he
did he found himself in the reflection. Seeping into the image, his thoughts
drifted away. Away from the classroom. Away from Ayanami. Even away from
himself.

*****

The rain. The rain is supposed to be soothing, but all it does is keep me up at
night. Each and every drop louder and louder. Every drop tearing away at me....

Make it stop..MAKE IT GO AWAY!

All it does is make me think. Think things I don't want to ponder. I'm not safe!
I can't find any peace! My own thoughts betraying me!!

Touji...

Why can't I forget? Misato-san said it wasn't my fault, but I know that's a lie.
I could have done something. I should have done something. Now one of my best
friends is in the hospital. I failed...Once again, I've brought pain to someone
I care about.

Why? Why do I still even pilot? Why do I still pilot, when it just brings pain?

"Good work, Shinji...." His praise. The praise from a bastard of a father.

His word...His approval...MEAN NOTHING!!! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM FOR CALLING ME
HERE! I HATE HIM FOR ABANDONING ME!!!!

Everyone...Everyone leaves me.

Please...Please someone care for me. Please I don't know if I can do it
alone......

No!! No one wants me!! They only want what I can do! I have no purpose at
all!!! I HAVE NOTHING!!!! I AM NOTHING!!!!

*****

A weary hand struck out to the self-image in the windowsill. Shinji blinked a
few times as he remembered where he was. He looked over his shoulder and noticed
Ayanami staring at him.

*****

I observed Ikari-kun's actions without comment. He politely apologized, then
continued on with his assignment.

Although he doesn't say anything to me, I know he is in pain.

It has been almost a week since the Attack of the 13th Angel. Ikari-Kun has
been greatly troubled since that conflict. I've overheard from Katsuragi-san,
that he hardly sleeps at nights.

He hasn't stated it, but I know he still blames himself for the fourth child
being injured. Now there is pain evident in all of Ikari-kun actions. He has yet
to forgive himself and no matter how much pain he experiences, I can tell he
feels it is not enough.

Seeing him acting as such distresses me.

Knowing this distresses me...

Knowing this puzzles me as well...

Why should I feel some discomfort, when I am not injured in anyway? I am not
hurt, but when the third Child is in pain...Lately I've felt hurt as well. Not
some much as physical pain, but emotional. I feel I should do something for
Ikari-Kun. To maybe lighten his heart, to probably comfort him in some way. But
I'm not used to these emotions, there fore I'm not sure how to properly express
them. I'm worried that I might harm him even more..

But...just as I experience his torment...When he is content and I see him
smiling, I feel at ease. Like for a small instant nothing really matters. Not
even the priorities Commander Ikari has given me. For a small instant I
feel...happy.

How is that possible? How is one person able to invoke so many emotions from me?
I have so many questions. So many thoughts and ideas. But in I have no one to
turn to.

I would ask the Commander Ikari about all these new sensations. But he is often
busy and I would not like to burden him with such trivial matters.

The only person that I did discuss my feelings with, was the fourth child. Maybe
I should follow his suggestion. Maybe I should tell Ikari-kun...No Shinji, how I
feel.

******

Suddenly Shinji found himself surrounded in blackness. He covered his mouth as a
familiar scent hit his nose. "Blood....It smells like blood here..."

"MURDERER!!!" A voice shouted out from the blackness. Then the tortured form of
a young boy around Shinji's age appeared. The his eyes were sunken in slightly.
The places were his right arm and left leg were severed, blood flowed from the
wounds.

"Touji?" Shinji questioned. "No, you didn't die!"

The boy's voice rang out again. "MURDERER!!!!!!"

Shinji clutched his head. "No..it wasn't my fault! I couldn't help it!"

"You killed him Baka Shinji.." Shinji turned around in the empty void to be
confronted by the lifeless body of the second child. Beside her laid his
guardian.

"You murdered us all in your Eva!" Misato screamed, the scar that laid across
her abdomen was now reopen, seeping out more and more of her life fluids.

"Misato-san! Asuka!" Shinji crouched over, trying to block out their voices. But
the more he hid, the louder their cries became.

"Are you happy now Baka, there is no one left to hurt you!!"

"NO! NO! I...I didn't mean!" Shinji's breath became stale. He found it hard to
breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

"Sorry? Sorry, Shinji-kun....YOUR ALWAYS SORRY!"

"Please..." The boy begged. "Please I didn't mean it. I didn't know..."

"Why are you still running away, Ikari-kun?" A new voice said.

Shinji tried to open his eyes. "Ayanami?"

"Ikari-kun..." the voice repeated. "Ikari-kun...."

******

Shinji's vision started to blur as he awoke from his dream. He remembered
sitting down for a few minutes, but then his exhausted body forced him into a
quick slumber. Those dreams...those dreams were the reason why he wouldn't
sleep. Every night was his own personal hell. He turned slightly to the girl
that summoned him.

"Ikari-kun...." Ayanami said softly. The look in her eyes, Shinji almost could
mistaken it for concern.

He disregarded the thought. "Yes, Ayanami?" He asked while wiping some sleet from
his eyes.

"I...." The girl hesitated in her words. "I..have finished my chores and shall
return to my home." The blue haired girl stated as she turned to leave.

"Ayanami!!!..." Shinji cried, the girl paused and faced him. "Can...Can you stay
with me?....I don't want to be alone."

Rei looked into his eyes for a long time. After a few seconds she responded. "If
it pleases you..." She then returned to her desk.

There was an alone pause between the two. The sound of the water drops echoed in
the background.

Shinji grabbed his broom and sighed. "I wish it would stop raining....I hate
this weather..."

Rei was quiet for sometime then asked. "What about the rain, distresses you
Ikari-Kun?" She inquired.

"It's so..empty. Every drop, so meaningless...Without purpose." He sighed. "Just
like me.."

Rei frowned her eyebrows. "Ikari-Kun..You do have a purpose. You are the pilot
of Unit 01. You are a part of Eva..."

"Is that it!?! Is that all I'm good for!?!" He bitterly cried. "If that's all
that my life has, than that proves I have no purpose. If I stopped piloting
today, no one would remember me. No one would care!" He paused as tears started
to fall from his eyes.

"That is incorrect Ikari-kun..." Rei stated. "You do have many...Soryu,
Katsuragi-san...They both care for you...Even..."

"Misato-san, just sees me as a tool and Asuka...." He paused as his thoughts
dwelled on the Second child. "I'm just a challenge in her eyes. Something she
has to compete for, something she has to beat. If I never piloted in my life,
she wouldn't have anything to do with me."

"Is that what your really believe?" She asked.

"That's all I've seen!!!" He shouted. "I wished...I just wished I never I never
came here. I wished I just stayed at my teacher's...."

"Were you happy there?"

"No...But I was better off then I am now!" He turned away from her. "I didn't
have to worry about so many things. The survival of mankind, the end of
civilization, I didn't have to worry about these things. I could just be me..."

"Now..." He balled up his fist. "NOW I'M PILOT IKARI! INVINCIBLE SHINJI! THE
THIRD CHILD! SHINJI-BAKA!!!" He shouted. "Names and titles...they are not me.
I'm just Shinji...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! WHAT'S WRONG WITH WANTING TO BE JUST
SHINJI! WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST NOTICE ME FOR ME! WHY CAN'T SOMEONE LOVE ME! WHY
CAN'T SOMEONE CARE FOR ME!!!" Shinji cried out from the top of his lungs, his
voice trailing into all four corners of the room.

There was now silence. Shinji bowed his head and fell to his knees. The energy
drained out of his body. He no longer cared anymore. He was Nerv's puppet. He
would do whatever they said..whether or not he was loved or cared for didn't
matter anymore. In that instant his life didn't matter.

Rei looked at Shinji, she felt sadness. Sadness in herself and sadness emanating
from Shinji. 'You care for Ikari, Ayanami...' The words from the Suzuhara
flooding her memory. 'You should tell him.'

Rei looked down at Shinji one last time and closed her eyes. "That is also not
true Ikari-kun..." She said softly. Then Rei gently placed a hand onto his
cheek. He slowly looked up to her as she guided him to face her. "because....I
care for you." She whispered.

Shinji stared at the azure haired girl. His deep blue eyes staring into her
intense cerise ones. It looked as though he were searching...searching for
something to confirm her statement. Then suddenly he leaned upward and roughly
kissed her. His surprisingly strong arms found it's way around her soft petite
body, holding her in a tight embrace.

The warmth of her skin, the sweetness of her lips, her soft body...Shinji tried
to consume all of them. He wanted this, he need this. So he took it. He took
everything she offered to him. He didn't care if she cared for him, loved him or
not. He just wanted to feel something....anything that was close to affection.

She was just his father's doll. So why should it matter. He continued to believe
that, till he felt her shudder. Then he stopped.

He slowly broke his kiss. His eyes wandered to Rei's. Her eyes seemed clear, but
he could see a sea of emotions that were hidden in them. Confusion, anxiety,
maybe even fear. He couldn't determine what she was feeling, but he broke their
embrace and looked away.

He couldn't believe what he just tried to do to her. The one person that tried
to care for him and he took advantage of her. Shinji felt ashamed of his
actions. He desecrate the one thing that he craved for so long. "Gomen...." He
apologized to the girl.

*****

'Did what just happen really occur?' Rei asked herself. The girl was troubled.
She was surprised at first when Ikari-kun kissed her. It wasn't an unpleasant
sensation, she could have even said she enjoyed it. But he stopped before she
could explore the feelings.

It had been too soon for her to know and she realized that she missed the
feeling. It was so foreign, but powerful. She needed to experience it once more.
She needed to know how it felt to be in Ikari-kun, embrace again. To know how it
felt to kiss him.

Rei looked over to the boy. His downcast face was afraid to look at her. That
was until she cupped his cheek and kissed him lightly on the lips. The kiss was
small at first then intensified the longer the two held it.

Rei slowly put her arms around Shinji. She noticed that he shuddered at first,
but she still held him tight. Eventually he embraced her too, while their lips
were desperate seeking each others affection.

Eventually Shinji slowly ended the kiss. Inside, he was a mix of several
emotions: confusion, fear, excitement, and several other hues of sensations. He
looked into her eyes again. A new aura is present in her expression. A look of
admiration, a look of compassion. Maybe even a look of love.

Slowly he embraced her again. She felt so good in his arms. She copied his
action, returning his embrace. "Thank you...." he whispered, as the mild sounds
of the rain continued in the background. "Thank you Rei..."