101 Things to do with a Dead Phoebe

Summary: Prue and Piper look back on all the stupid things Phoebe has done over her lifetime and take some time to answer some fan questions. OneShot. Just something I felt like doing.

Author's Note: Ok the title was inspired by a topic on the TWOP forums in case you're wondering. And I still don't feel like updating anything else because like Alex and I were saying awhile back; there's no point anymore. It's just no fun making fun of them because they do it to themselves. Tsk-Tsk. Brad Kern will get his eventually. Just as soon as I can afford a plane ticket to California that is. Stupid bastard.


Piper and Prue are sitting in the Conservatory in front of the fireplace holding glasses of wine. Prue looks at the camera and smiles.

"Oh hello there, almost didn't hear you come in."

Piper raises an eyebrow. "What the fuck Prue?"

Prue lowers her head in shame. "Sorry, I've just always wanted to do that."

"And I've always wanted to slap you to next Thursday yet I somehow after all these years managed to control myself."

Loud laughter is heard from the live studio audience I decided to add. Piper nods in appreciation and takes a sip of wine waiting for it to die down. It finally does.

Prue shakes her head. "Hey now, I'm not the one who wet the bed till I was 10."

Piper shoots her a venomous glance and the audience goes 'ooh'.

"You're right, you wet it until you were 12." She countered and the audience laughed.

"Oh c'mon!" Prue shot up and gestured toward Piper. "You people can't actually believe that crap is funny?"

"Hey we just do what the sign tells us lady." Some random guy replies and points to a lighted sign. (the ones the tell them to laugh or be quiet or go 'ooh!'.)

"You listen to a sign?" Prue gawks and puts a hand on her hip. "That really shows a lot about your intelligence." Suddenly a bunch of books and other trash get thrown at her. She looks at the sign; it says 'Throw things at Prue.' She gasps and drops to her knees.

"All hail the sign! It is all knowing!"

Piper closed her eyes and sighed. This was going to be the longest hour of her life.


After Prue was done sacrificing a member of the audience to her new Sign God she sat back down, wiping the blood off her hands.

"Jesus Prue, you're going to hell in a handbasket for that ya know."

"It could be worse, I could be sitting here with Phoebe." She waits for the audience to laugh, one guy does but he's quickly shot. "Oh sure, I give you gold and get nothing, she gives you crap I wouldn't even wipe my butt with and you wet yourselves!"

"So I'm not the only one?" A lady in the audience asks, looking around.

"Can we just please get on with this special? I have better things to do than waste my time here." Piper slumps in her chair and sighs.

"Fine then, alright, here's the deal. People set up their friends and family for the scare of thei—" Piper interrupts her.

"Prue…that's not what this is about. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, sorry," Prue blushes. "I'm just practicing for this audition I have with the SciFi channel for a show called Scare Tactics."

Piper nods. "You'd be good for that show."

"Thank you, now anyway, This special is just basically a bunch of clips of stupid things that Phoebe's done throughout her life. So we could be here awhile."

Her and Piper both laugh.

"Easy now,"

Piper clears her throat. "Okay, this first clip is of Phoebe when she was 4 and she discovered what matches were." She turns to Prue. "ROLL THE CLIP!"


'Phoebe is running around the house, as a toddler, she's carrying a matchbook chasing a 7-year old Prue around.

"Grams!" Prue screamed bloody murder. "Grams, Phoebe's trying to burn me!" Phoebe giggles and lights the match then starts running, it goes out. She stops and lights another, starts running again, it goes out. This goes on for awhile. Prue is standing a few feet in front of her giggling. Piper walks up and stares at her little sister.

"What's she doing?" Little Piper asks in a tiny voice.

"She's tryin to wun with matches." Lil Prue answers and for some reason thought it'd be cute to mis-pronounce words. Well it isn't Prue, get over it, you're the oldest. You don't matter anymore!…ehem, sorry, just some pent up oldest sister rage I got goin on there.

"Oh," Piper starts picking her nose. Suddenly a younger Grams walks in, her arm around some guy, who oddly enough looks like…Leo.

"Piper darling, don't do that. It's a dirty habit." Grams ordered. Oh, and like what she's doing isn't a dirty habit.

Piper wipes the booger on Prue's sleeve while she's not looking.

"Grams, Phoebe's playing with matches again." Prue tattles.

"Phoebe, how many times must I tell you? No-matches-in the house. Now go outside." Grams orders and the 4-year old skips off.

"Who's dat Grams?" Piper points to the guy, sounding a little bit cuter than Prue saying words wrong.

He kneels down to her level. "My name's Leo, and I'm a plumber, you're Grams has some pipes that need cleaning upstairs." He says and pats her on the head. He turns to Grams and raises his eyebrows.

"Yes, so you girls go play." Grams insists and the two walk off.

"They're going to have sex ya know." Prue puts her hand on her hips and frowns.

"Oh," Piper nods her head. "What's dat?"

Prue shrugs and starts to walk off. "I dunno, I read it in one of Grams' special books."


Piper gulps. "Oh dear god! That was my Leo wasn't it?" Prue nods. "That man-ho is sooo lucky he's frozen!"

Prue chuckles. "He does get around."

Piper glares at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Prue shakes her head and covers her mouth to hide a grin. "Nothing." Piper looks like her head is about to explode.

"Go to commercial!" As the camera zooms out we see Piper jumping at Prue, both flying over the chair.



Some guy holding a bottle of bleach smiles into the camera. "Are you tired of watching the same old boring, brain-cell killing WB shows such as Charmed and Gilmore Girls? If you are, WB's Brain Bleach is for you! Just pull what's left of you're rotted brain out through your ear and let it soak in our brain bleach for a few days and in no time you'll forget all about Billie and her annoying lisp and how badly you want to shoot Rory in the face. WB's Brain Bleach, buy yours today or risk remembering it tomorrow!"


"I thought we were trying to promote the WB?" Prue asked, confused.

"Why bother?" Piper shrugged lightly and downed another glass of wine.

"O-K, our next clip is Phoebe at 13, when she realized the joys of… a- uh…showerhead." Prue stuttered.

"Oh, can we please not show that one! I mean, I'm still having nightmares." Piper pleaded. Hell, she practically got down on her hands and knees. Or maybe it was just because she was drunk and had to puke. Either way, taken out of context, it totally worked.

"Good point," Prue nodded. "Alrighty then, instead, here's one when Phoebe lived in New York and she tried to get clients as a…a, Piper, a little help here."

"A hooker," Piper spat back and closed her eyes- agitated.

"Right, a hooker. Of course, she never took 5th grade Sex Ed, so it doesn't work out so well."


'Phoebe's standing on a New York sidewalk at night, dressed as a hoo- oh who am I kidding? She was wearing her normal clothes, smoking a cigarette. Walking up to a car every once in awhile. Just then, a black mustang pulled up; she walked over to it and bent down to look in the window.

"Hey baby, lookin for a good time?" She tried to sound hot and somewhere in the world someone was having terrible nightmares.

The creepy-guy smiled and licked his lips. And another person just woke up screaming their lungs out.

"What do ya do?" He asked.

"Well…" Phoebe started, raising her eyebrows. "I'll suck your duck for $30 and…"

The guy looked at her oddly. "Suck my what?"

"Your duck," Phoebe repeated.

"Okay, I'm not into animal fetishes, sorry lady." He said quickly and sped off leaving Phoebe standing there, confused.

"Animal fetish?" She mumbled.


Prue was cracking up. "She said 'duck' instead of di—" Piper cut her off by slapping her knee.

"Shut up Prue! You can't say that on TV! The FCC will bleep it!"

"Then why are you worried?" Prue demanded. "I mean, we should be able to say whatever the bleep we want! It's our bleeping TV special! I mean if I wanted to bleep some guy right now I could bleepin do it even if it was with a bleeping bleep with his bleep and a fish taco bleeping a bleep bleep with a bleep and a huge bleep bleepin in a barn eating a bleep into a whole bag of potatoes in Guatemala!"

Piper's jaw is hanging open. Her eyes wide in shock. She turns to the camera. "Those of you at home, be grateful you didn't hear the uncensored version of that rant. I-I think we should go to commercial, now please."



This time a lady is sitting in front of a TV, looking bored. A guy off-screen starts talking.

"Nothing on?" The lady pouts and shakes her head. "Well, since there isn't anything on, why don't you get off you're lazy ass and put down the Ben & Jerry's and go outside?"

The lady looks shaken. "But it's 37 degrees out there, plus it's midnight!"

"Oh waa-waa! It's too cold and dark out. I'm afwaid I'll get mugged or killed!"

"Shut up!" The lady starts crying and runs out of the room.

"That's right, run out." The guy laughs.

Some other guy in the background starts talking. "Turn off the TV, get up, get out, or we'll make fun of you're fat ass."

"Brought to you by the Department of Health and Mean Announcer Guys."


"O-kay, I think it's safe to say they jacked some of these commercials from the Superbowl reject pile."

"Well that was still better than the first one. And that one about VD with Tony Danza." Prue muttered. "Hey, ya know what'd be fun?"

"Rob a liquor store then go pick up chicks?" Piper asked hopefully. Prue scooted away, scared.

"Uh-no, I was going to say it'd be fun to take some questions about the show from the audience."

Piper raised an eyebrow. "How is that fun?"

"First question!" Prue ignored her comment. Every person raised their hand. "And no questions about why I left Charmed. I told you all already, I left because Alyssa and I had an awkward moment in her dressing room one day…that's it." Yea, it's mixed, so what?

"And copies are available after the show if anyone's interested." Piper pointed out casually.

"Umm, how bout you-- up in the front." Piper pointed to a guy in the front row.

He stood up. "Uh, yea, I was just wondering. Can I leave, please?"

"No," Prue and Piper spat instantly.

"Oh man," He muttered and sat down.

"Anyone here have a question that doesn't involve leaving?" Prue asked impatiently. Everyone but 2 people lowered their hands.

"Alright, you, the short kid." Prue pointed at me- I mean, some totally random person, ehem.

I-they stood up. "Are you and Holly really best friends in real life?" I asked, totally screwing up the whole plot in one sentence.

"Oh how original, like we've never heard that one before!" Piper rolled her eyes.

Prue chuckled. "Seriously, and yes were are. And that restraining order is still in effect missy."

Two security guards came up and dragged…oh hell; they dragged me out of the room.

"Okay, last person then we'll do one more clip." Piper said.

The last guy stood up. "Yea-uh, why do you guys suck? I mean, you used to be cool and all, but now you're like-not."

Piper groaned loudly and pulled a gun out of her bra and shot the guy in the head. "Anyone else wanna ask that?"

Everyone started fidgeting in their seats.

Prue chuckled. "This last clip is actually live, we stuck a camera in her apartment this morning and she's in there now. Let's watch. Small children or people with weak stomachs might want to look away."


'Phoebe and some guy are making out on her couch. She pulls away. "Are you sure you're my baby's daddy?"

"Yea, whatever, can we have sex now?" He asks eagerly.

Phoebe thinks for a moment. Which is weird cuz she never thinks, especially about sex. "I don't know, I mean, I just met you in the elevator 10 minutes ago and I don't even know your name." Wow, I guess this is a new Phoebe.

"Phoebe, it's me, Jason! We used to date until I found out you were a witch, remember?" Jason asked.

Phoebe gasps. "How do you know I'm a witch? Demon!" She cried. Suddenly Billie jumped out of the closet.

"I'm on it!" Billie screams and stabs Jason in the back with an atheme. He falls to the floor.

"Thanks, that was close." Phoebe puts a hand over her chest dramatically.

"No problem," Billie smiled and walked back into the tiny closet and shut the door.'


"So that's where she's been lately!" Piper screamed and put her hands on her hips.

"Why am I not surprised?" Prue mumbled to no one in particular.

Piper looks at her watch. "Looks like that's all the time we have. Thanks for joining us, and we're sorry we wasted an hour of your lives. Now, get the fuck out of our house before I turn you all into rats and toads." A huge grin spread across her face.

Everyone started screaming and scrambled out.

Prue got up and started dancing to nothing. Piper shrugged and followed her lead.


O0 I'm sorry, that sucked. I apologize. I should be flogged lol. I'm really sorry. Anyway, to get off the subject of bad stories, go and read my One Tree Hill fics, please.