This is meant to be taking place at the beginning of ChapterFour in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Everything Harry Potter related is copyright to J.K. Rowling, etc., etc.
"And now, Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure."
Harry quickly followed Dumbledore as they made their way down Privet Drive late one night in the summer before Harry's 6th year. Having just left the Dursleys, Harry felt incredibly elated. However, his face kept flushing in distinct embarrassment, having remembered his last conversation with Dumbledore the previous year, where Harry had hardly acted his age. Dumbledore appeared completely relaxed, so Harry figured the distinguished old man wasn't holding it against him. After awhile, Dumbledore stopped him. Dumbledore asked Harry if he had passed his Apparition Test. Harry promptly responded that no, he hadn't. The Headmaster then asked Harry to hold onto his arm, and they Apparated. Harry was amazed at this first time experience. Harry couldn't help smiling, thinking that he liked "first times." As Dumbledore began walking, Harry followed, wondering what else he could do for a first time. Maybe he could try wiping after a poop. Harry smiled even broader. Fat chance!
Harry began looking around at his surroundings. They seemed to be in a sparsely populated area, filled with shops covering their windows. Harry noticed flashing neon lights on each building as they passed. Looking closer, he realized the lights were all actually fairies that appeared to have ingested a large amount of LSD, and were flashing various colors. Harry nodded to himself, confirming that they were in a Wizarding community, wherever they may be. Finally, they reached the end of the particular street they had been following, and turned to a stone wall. Harry, feeling confident after so many entrances to Platform 9¾, walked into the wall. He promptly broke his nose, shattered his two front teeth, and lost an inch off his penis.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Lemon drop, Harry?" Harry nodded, slipping the sweet candy into the new space forming at the front of his mouth. Dumbledore tapped his nose and the front of his pants, curing any ailments. Harry said he'd like to keep the newfound hole in his grin, though.
"Pwofessa?" Harry asked, spitting out the lemon drop, and realizing his lack of teeth was causing for a rather challenged articulation.
"Where are we?"
"This, Harry, is the charming establishment we will be embarking upon this very second!'
"Why, did I not tell you we would be pursuing that flighty temptress, adventure?"
"Er--yes, but Profess-"
"Harry! We are in luck; our pursuit has been timed correctly. Adventure seems to be present, that flighty temptress!"
By this point, Harry was thoroughly confused.
The Professor tapped the wall, and a door was instantly revealed. Stepping through, Harry followed the wizened wizard. Once they were inside, Harry's mouth dropped.
They were in a medium sized room with walls covered in the gaudiest hot pink velvet he had ever seen. The carpet was red shag, with a Hippogriff rug in one spot. In the middle of the room was a large canopy bed, draped in what appeared to be silk sheets of varying shades of pink and red. It was the most hideous room he had ever laid eyes on. It was even a more hideous sight then the time he accidentally walked in on Snape using the loo in Grimmauld place. Using his hands to cover the frontal area of his jeans, Harry realized that the comparison wasn't a good one, since that wasn't really a hideous sight…
Sitting on the bed was a woman of undetectable age. Her skin was like leather…tan and slightly wrinkled. She had hair that appeared to have been fried, which was bleached blonde, with dark roots streaked with gray. It was straight, but had a look to it that was slightly greasy, as if it was straight because it hadn't been washed for days. She had bright blue eyeshadow applied from her eyelids to about an inch below her hairline. Her lips were a grotesque bright pink, and were currently gnawing on two cigarettes sticking out from either side of her mouth. Her ears were big, and her lobes were as dangly as the large bats hanging from them, apparently serving as exotic earrings. Harry then realized she was naked. Her leathery skin reached to her dugs, which were sagging as if a farmer had overworked her breasts, sucking the nutrients from the very ground, causing erosion of her upper body. Harry paused a moment, and wondered where, exactly, that odd analogy came from. He then noticed her liver-spotted, leathery thighs were crossed, protecting her very essence from view.
She was gorgeous.
"Aw, Alboooooooos." The woman dragged out in a Bulgarian accent, grinning a gap toothed grin at Dumbledore. His eyes twinkled merrily back.
Harry turned to Dumbledore. "Professor Dumbledore, who is this?"
"Harry, I would like you to meet Adventure."
"Pleeez! Call me Adve for short." The woman said, her accent changing to a rather guttural French.
"Oh you flighty temptress, you!" Dumbledore said, throwing a wink to the beautiful woman on the bed.
Dumbledore then turned to Harry and said, "Harry, I believe you are more than ready to experience certain…experiences. I was wrong to think you were too young to handle such important information last year, so I'm going to make it up by allowing you use of my personal prostitute!"
Harry was dumbfounded. And honored. And horny.
"Professor, I don't know what to say…!" Harry said, a flush creeping to his face from areas in his pants.
"Nothing, my boy! Get to it!" Dumbledore said, pushing Harry forward and quickly leaving the room.
The woman shot him a smoldering look. Well, what would have been a smoldering look if it weren't for the fact that she had lazy eye. In both eyes.
"Well now, 'Arry! 'Ow do ye like it? Up my chuff or maybe up the ol' defecator?" She said, throwing him a wink, and reverting to a Cockney accent. This woman was very confusing to poor Harry.
"Um…what's a chuff? Actually, what would you want up your defecat…" Harry stopped in mid-sentence. Wait. Was he supposed to have…it…with her? His jaw dropped.
"Oh! Harry, shwhat do shoo want? Me in your mouf?" Harry couldn't exactly peg that accent.
"Well…" Harry was about to turn and flee from the room, run safely back to the Dursleys, and wank to delightful thoughts of an Oliver Wood and Draco Malfoy threesome with himself, when his earlier thoughts of the evening came back to him.
There's a first time for everything.
Harry gathered his reserve, and pumped his fist in his pants. If he could take on Voldemort multiple times, he could certainly plug a harlot with a vadge the size of a moon crater.
Several Hou…Minutes, later
"WOW!" Harry said, wiping his sweaty brow. "That was amazing! First times are great!"
The slimy hooker looked at him, spitting out one cigarette and lighting another. "Oh, did you put it in already, Harry?" She didn't seem to have noticed anything.
"Er…well…thank you for your time?" Harry said, smiling unsurely.
She looked at him expectantly. "Payment?"
"Oh! Oh, er…yeah." Harry said hurriedly. Any money he had was in his trunk outside with Dumbledore.
"Well, you have to give me one of your eyeballs then."
Harry looked at her in shock. "…No!"
"Well, I like balls. If I don't get money, I like balls as payment. Beach balls, bouncy balls…"
Harry looked down at his pants. He sighed. Well, if Hermione could do it to Crookshanks, he could do it as payment…
A few more minutes later
Harry came out of the room and into the street. Dumbledore was animatedly talking with a tree, and popping lemon drops in his mouth every other word. Turning, he saw Harry, and shaking hands with the oak, came over.
"Well, Harry! Did Adventure tell you all the spells you needed to know in your final battle?"
"Spells? What? Er…no? Wait, final batt-?"
"Harry, Harry!" Dumbledore said, interrupting him. "Whatever have you been doing in there the last ten minutes then?
Harry blanched, and then blushed. "You said you'd let me use your personal prostitute…"
"Yes, that's right. I said I'd make up not telling you anything, by having my prostitute teach you some of the rarest and most important spells in the universe!"
Harry felt like crying. He had just given up his testicles for sex he wasn't even supposed to have!
"Just kidding, my boy!" Dumbledore said, slapping the young wizard on the back. "I just figured you could use a good shag!"
"Now!" Dumbledore said serenely. "I have a staff member that needs stroking in order to get him to start working, and then I have to get a former professor to work at Hogwarts again!"
Then the two wizards walked off into the night, having tamed that flighty temptress, Adventure, who stood watching from the doorway, as she scratched her wrinkly butt.
Note: This was the crappiest piece of crap ever. Any direct quotes from this story are copyright to J.K. Rowling, and were used in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. See how many innuendos you can pick up in this story! Otherwise, thanks for reading, and I'm sorry for any vomiting induced by the graphic descriptions in this story, as well as it being a pile of…stuff. J