Blue Moons and Grindylows
by Z. E. Grockle
Summery: Remus and Sirius recount embarrassing school-day stories about each other for the amusement of the kids. Set during the summer of OotP.
Disclaimer: The plot is mine; Tonks' question belongs to Failte (thanks Zelotia!); everything else is JK's.
Rating: PG13 (moderate sexual content)
They were all eating dinner at Grimmauld Place one night when Tonks posed an interesting question. "Hey, Remus, is it true that blue moons make werewolves horny?" Harry nearly choked on his roll. Fred and George began sniggering, and Lupin was a bright shade of pink. Everyone else looked at him interestedly, waiting for an answer, with the exception of Sirius, who was grinning madly.
"Yeah it's true," Harry's godfather told them. Lupin shot him a dirty look, which he ignored and continued unhesitatingly. "We found that out during a blue moon fourth year, when we caught him-"
"Grindylows in the lake," Lupin interrupted. Harry thought for a moment he must have gone mad, but then noticed that his former professor was giving his godfather a warning look, and the later seemed to be debating whether to go on.
"Oh, I remember the Grindylow!" Professor McGonagall said suddenly, and to Harry's complete amazement, she smiled at Sirius. By now Harry and Ron were exchanging baffled looks, while the rest seemed quite eager for either of the stories to continue.
"What about Grindylows?" Tonks asked.
"You may find out, if he says another word about blue moons," Lupin told her.
Sirius gave him a measuring look then declared "I don't care; I think yours is much more embarrassing than mine anyway. We caught him humping his pillow in his sleep. And moaning."
When the laughter from that had died down some, Lupin sighed. "Can't even tell a story properly! I'll show you how it's done." Sirius rolled his eyes then nodded for his friend to continue. "It was the end of February, our sixth year, and Padfoot decided it might be fun to go skinny-dipping in the lake."
Here Sirius interrupted: "It wasn't that I thought it'd be fun, James had dared me."
"Where was I when that happened?" Lupin asked him, surprised.
"You and Wormtail were in detention for setting all the clocks in the castle to the wrong time and planting every single toothbrush bristles-down in the courtyard."
"Inspired," George said, impressed. Mrs. Weasley glared at him.
"It was you and James that stole all the toothbrushes," Lupin objected.
"Yes, but we had already gotten into it for the pixie thing, so you took the rap for us."
"I knew there was no time for you to have done both," McGonagall said.
"Well, anyway, when Peter and I got out of detention, it was about seven, and already quite dark, and we found Sirius in naught but his birthday suit, and up to his neck in what must have been very chilly lake water," Lupin said.
"Bloody freezing," Sirius affirmed. "There was still ice close to the shore."
"And James standing on the bank telling him just what kind of moron he was. We joined in for a few minutes, and then a strange expression suddenly came over Padfoot's face. So, of course, Prongs asked him what was wrong, and he said 'I think a Grindylow's got me.' Well, he didn't have his wand, there being nowhere to put it- (Fred and George sniggered, and Mrs. Weasley shot them another look) -so James offered to get it off for him. And Sirius said 'Fine, but something you should know," Lupin paused for dramatic effect, "'it hasn't got me by the ankle.'"
Sirius turned faintly pink and grinned sheepishly as everyone, even Mrs. Weasley, exploded in laughter and then collapsed into helpless giggles.
"So how," began Tonks, gasping and laughing still, "How did you get it off?"
"Well, they were all laughing too hard to be of any use," Sirius explained, "So I had to wait, suffering terribly-"
"Or so you would have us believe," Fred said smirking as tears of mirth ran down his face.
"Suffering terribly, until the dear professor here came along," Sirius said, nodding to McGonagall.
"You?" Hermione asked, "You got it off?" Beside her, Ron put his head on his plate and banged his fist on the table a few times, too overcome to speak.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but after Lupin had stopped laughing long enough to explain the situation to me, I merely went to get Professor Flitwick, and Professor Reamunt- who was our Defense teacher that year -to advise him on the proper procedure."
"Why couldn't Reamunt do it?" Tonks wanted to know.
"Well, being that Professor Reamunt was a woman, I didn't think it appropriate," McGonagall told her.
"Not that I would have minded, she was quite a piece, but I had been in the water for awhile by then, and, y'know, shrinkage," Sirius put in.
"So Professor Flitwick removed it, and gave him a robe, and I took him inside and immediately up to the Infirmary, for Madame Pomfrey to give him some warming tonic and make sure there was no damage."
"Oh, no," Bill said, looking at Sirius.
The later smiled grimly. "Yep, and the humiliation wasn't done there. She didn't even let me put proper clothes on before lecturing me about propriety and safety and taking twenty points off. And then I had to endure my so-called friends taunting me about it at every opportunity, and telling the whole school."
"I may never go swimming again. Even in a suit, you'd be vulnerable," Charlie said.
"Surprisingly, that didn't even stop him. He went swimming in the lake the very next weekend," Remus told them.
"I wore a suit, though. And a jock strap," Sirius said with a grin.
Apparently Sirius watches Seinfeld. Who knew?
I'd be glad to continue the humiliation, if anyone's interested, y'know what to do….