Bad Day on Sesame Street

The camera focuses on a dapper frog in a trench coat and fedora, holding a microphone. The frog looks grim.

Kermit: Kermit the Frog, here, reporting from Sesame Street, where tragedy has befallen. We're standing in front of the building where long-time residents Bert and Ernie live--or, where they used to live. We go now to Maria, who was the first on the scene.

Pan to a young Hispanic woman, obviously in shock

Maria: It's horrible, I've known them so long, I can't believe what I found up there.

Kermit: Can you tell the viewers what you found, Maria?

Maria: I--I knocked on their door because everyone was worried. They always show up for lunch, at least. Their door wasn't locked, and I peeked in and--so horrible--stuffing everywhere . . .

The camera leaves Maria and focuses on Kermit

Kermit: Yes, a tragic scene on Sesame Street. But there are more terrors in this friendly neighborhood, because Kermit leans toward the camera no one knows how this tragedy happened. And this isn't the only mystery. Cookie Monster and Grover have not been seen in two days, and people are reluctant to come out at night.

Kermit approaches a dented garbage can with the lid firmly in place

Kermit: Some long-time residents have barricaded themselves in their homes. Knocks on top of can Oscar? Oscar the Grouch?

from inside can: Go away!

Kermit: Oscar, Kermit the Frog, here, for Sesame Street News. Would you tell us what you think is going on?

Oscar: No! Go away! I'm not comin' out until it's over!

Kermit: Until what's over, Oscar?

Oscar: Ask Ernie! Ask the Bird! Go away!

Kermit: sighing Yes, fear and suspicion are running rampant on our quiet, happy street. Ask the Bird, he says. Where is Big Bird? I haven't seen him all day.

singing comes from off camera. The camera tracks around to show a woman in a lacy dress dancing down the street

Kermit: Oh, someone new. Perhaps she knows something. Hello, miss. Kermit the Frog, here, for Sesame Street News. What's your name?

The woman smiles, swaying and humming: My name's Drusilla. You're very green.

Kermit: Yes, I am. looks towards the camera, then back Miss Drusilla, when did you first come to Sesame Street?

Drusilla: Oh, it's been lovely days and nights. The stars are fuzzy here, did you know? You're fuzzy, too. You're all fuzzy, inside and out. It tickles.

Kermit: Not all of us are fuzzy. Everyone is welcome on Sesame Street.

Drusilla: laughs happily Yes, I know, such nice fuzzy people, making me welcome wherever I want to go. Spike told me you weren't real, that I couldn't come to Sesame Street, but, sh-h, I found the way.

Kermit: Miss Drusilla, do you have any idea what's happening to the people who live here?

Drusilla: Mm-hm. I know. reaches up to mouth and pulls out a bright yellow feather It's been oh so nice visiting here. But I do wish my Spike was here, he knows such lovely games. sighs

Kermit: staring at feather that has drifted to ground Um, Miss Drusilla, that's a very pretty feather. Where did you get it?

Drusilla: puts up her arms and pirouettes down the street We were playing Tag. Mr. Snuffalupagus was It, and I let him catch me, then I caught the pretty, bright, yellow Bird, but he's not It. He can't run anymore. 'Run, run, as fast as you can, can't catch me . . .' stops and looks at Kermit I'm still It. Would you like to play Tag, Kermit the Frog?

Kermit: gulps and starts to back away Tha--that's very kind, Miss Drusilla, but I think I need to get back to the station now. familiar out-of-tune singing comes down the street behind him Elmo! You might not want to come over here, Elmo.

Elmo: Hello, Kermit! Elmo is having a wonderful day!

Kermit: watching Drusilla, who has stopped dancing but is still humming as she watches Elmo, go get help. I think Miss Drusilla had something to do with Bert and Ernie.

Elmo: Oh, no, Drusilla wouldn't do that. bounces over to Drusilla, takes her hand, and leans against her hip Drusilla is Elmo's friend. She's been telling Elmo the most wonderful stories.

Kermit: gulping again Elmo, I think you should get away from her now.

Elmo: sighs and looks up at Drusilla Elmo's sorry about this, Drusilla. But Elmo likes you.

Drusilla: And I like you, too. leans down and kisses the top of Elmo's head

Kermit: whispering Elmo, not everybody is your friend. I know that's hard to believe, but I think she's the one who hurt Bert and Ernie.

Elmo: begins to hop angrily up and down Drusilla didn't eat Bert and Ernie! Stop blaming Drusilla! Elmo's face changes, his eyes go yellow, and fangs appear Elmo did it! Elmo was hungry and didn't want to listen to Bert and Ernie any more!

Kermit: shaking too hard to talk

Drusilla: leans down as her face changes too I don't think I want to listen to Froggy anymore. pulls another yellow feather out of her mouth But I'm all full.

Elmo: sighs Elmo all full, too. But we can play with Kermit anyway, can't we, Drusilla, please?

Drusilla: Of course we can.

Kermit turns and runs away screaming. Elmo gives a huge sigh and shrug

Elmo: Kermit ran away. Laughs and bounces Elmo knows! Do you know the Count? Drusilla shakes her head You'll like the Count. Come on.

Elmo takes Drusilla's hand and leads her away

cue ominous music, scroll text in all-caps

Carnage on Sesame Street!

Day 2

Kermit the Frog is looking less dapper. In the background we hear hysterical muppet laughter

Kermit: It's day two of terror here on Sesame Street. Drusilla and Elmo are still stalking the neighborhood, singing songs and taking names. The trail of spilled stuffing in their wake is horrible to see. The list of missing presumed dead includes Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Grover, Bert and Ernie and others. Others are still in hiding, barring their doors and resisting all attempts to reach them.

Cue blurry footage of Drusilla and Elmo standing at Oscar's garbage can

Elmo: knocking on lid Come out, Oscar!

Oscar: No way, you pointy-toothed freak!

Elmo: shocked Oscar! That was mean!

Oscar: Are you or are you not going to eat me if I stick my head out of this can?

Elmo: Um, well . . . No, Elmo won't!

Oscar: I don't believe you!

Elmo: pouting Are you calling Elmo a liar?

Oscar: Yeah!

Drusilla: hugging the little red vampire puppet It's all right, love, Drusilla will think of some way to get the mean old grouch out of his can.

Elmo: kicks Oscar's can Meanie!

Oscar: When will you people get it through your heads that I'm--wait, I think I've got the wrong script . . .

Drusilla: tugging on Elmo's paw Let's go see if we can find the froggie. He looked tasty.

Elmo: Yeah! Let's go eat Kermit!

As they start away, Elmo begins to sing "Rubber Ducky"

New voice off camera: No! I have been through enough of this happy singing birds block out the next few words while I've been like this, and I will be happy singing birds if I'm going to listen to that happy etc. song!

Drusilla: Daddy?

Elmo: Drusilla's daddy is here?

camera turns to show Puppet!Angel stalking down Sesame Street, scarred and scowling and with a broadsword over his shoulder

Elmo: Drusilla! Your daddy's a puppet!

Puppet!Angel: swings sword off shoulders and points it at Elmo Don't you start, you fuzzy abomination!

Drusilla: claps hands Daddy! My daddy's a dolly, just like Miss Edith!

Puppet!Angel: points sword at Drusilla I can take care of you, too, young lady, don't think I can't!

Druslla: Promise?

A shot of baa-ing, frolicking lambs takes over the picture for the next few seconds as Sesame Street's inherent naughtiness filters take over

Elmo: shaking head and staring at the grinning Drusilla Elmo didn't understand that at all.

Puppet!Angel: looking uncomfortable No, Drusilla, you cannot check to make sure all the parts are here. Sheesh, and I thought Spike had a twisted brain. shakes himself Anyway! I'm here to stop you two from wreaking any more havoc on these poor innocent people.

Elmo: pouting Elmo doesn't like you, Drusilla's Daddy! Elmo is having fun! And Elmo is going to sing Ernie's song! "Rubber ducky--"

Puppet!Angel: No singing! Runs forward, sword swinging

Fluffy, frolicking lambs and happy, singing birds. When the picture comes back, Puppet!Angel is standing in the middle of Sesame Street surrounded by stuffing and red fluff. He's in game face and grinning

Puppet!Angel: looks at sword, which has bits of red fluff sticking to it Much better!

Drusilla: Daddy killed Elmo!

Puppet!Angel: Daddy did more than kill Elmo, Daddy frappeed Elmo. glares at Drusilla Drusilla, you've been a bad girl. Drusilla claps her hands in delight No, not like that! Stop that!

Drusilla: batting eyelashes Daddy's not going to punish me?

Puppet!Angel: Uh . . . yes--no! Stop that!

Drusilla: smiling and sauntering towards Puppet!Angel But if I've been bad, then I have to be punished.

Puppet!Angel: Bad Drusilla!

Fluffy lambs and happy birds for quite a long time

picture comes back to Kermit, who looks very shocked

Kermit: Well, I think the problem is over. Sesame Street News advises residents, though, to stay off the street for a bit longer, though. It may be a while before we can get everything, um, cleaned up. This is Kermit the Frog, reporting from Sesame Street!