Newport Will Never Be the Same!
HELLO! Well, fellow boarders and fan fiction buddies, I welcome you to my first (and hopefully not my last) fan fiction story. I've only recently joined the OC message board, but I have quickly become enamored with many of the tales you have spun about our favorite characters: Ryan, Marissa, Seth, Summer, Sandy, Kirsten, and Julie. In order to be unique and to attempt to make my fictitious narrative memorable, I have decided that this tale will be set in the future, but the past (as we know it from the show) has been changed. Before I begin with the actual dialogue and character interaction, I will endeavor to quickly but efficiently summarize our characters' lives up to the point where the story begins. Once the yarn does begin, it is set three years in the future where our favorite OC teenagers are now 21, adults, and juniors in college at Stanford. If you would like to give comments, critiques, or just let me know that someone is reading, your input would be greatly appreciated. So, here goes nothing and I hope that you enjoy!
After Jimmy had stayed with Julie when his parents had given him an ultimatum to either leave her or give up his inheritance, they stood by their word and cut him off from any financial aid. Not wanting to remain close to his family or the lifestyle that he had to leave behind because he could no longer afford it, he moved his budding family to the most rural, nobody place in the United States that he could think of: Pennsylvania Dutch Country where instead of Newpsies he would only run into Amish biddies, instead of McMansions, he would see row after row of corn, and instead of Beemers, Benzes, and Porches, he would see mini vans, beat-up farm trucks, and Amish buggies. In a way, Jimmy has actually been excited about the move, because it gave him a new start, a new life, and a new chance to be something other than Jimmy Cooper, son of a wealthy businessman with very large shoes to fill.
Jimmy had been right; he had come to enjoy his new life. He wasn't a millionaire, he didn't live in a vast estate or drive expensive cars, but he was comfortable financially, enjoyed his job, and loved his children dearly. Julie was another story. Their marriage had fallen apart practically before it had even begun, but they were still married. They barely spoke, and he knew she only stayed with him for the financial support, while he only remained married to her because even a mother like Julie Cooper was better for his daughters than no mother, well at least that is what he thought. He had started at a bank when they had first arrived in Pennsylvania, and had now, twenty one years later worked his way up to division manager and was in charge of the all his company's banks in Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, West Virginia, and Ohio. This meant he had to travel quite a bit, and although he hated leaving his girls, the trips away from Julie made the business trips vacations.
Julie of course was furious when Jimmy had told her they were going to move to Pennsylvania, of all places. Her only goal in life was to end up a wealthy socialite, and now she would be stuck living in small town America. What was she supposed to do? She would not and could not move back to that trailer park in Riverside, she had no job skills, she was pregnant, and she only had James to take care of her, she had to move. Well, she thought, at least she would be the best there! No one would know of her past, she would be better than everyone else in their new hometown, and she would be able to turn her nose up to the world and sit in judgment of all those beneath her. Marissa had been born six months after they had moved, and Julie had tried to be an attentive, loving mother, but she did not understand the whole motherhood idea. Why would women want to saddle themselves down to crying children for eighteen years? They were supposed to be taken care of, not responsible for taking care of babies! Jimmy ended up caring for Marissa, and that was fine by her. She tried to get involved in their new hometown, start social groups, so that she could become their leader, but no one here seemed interested in charity balls, luncheon teas, or black-tie galas. Everyone said that they were too busy to worry about such frivolities; they had work to go to, children to take care of, and a home to care for. Without a social scene, that left Julie with two things to do: spend money and drink.
Whenever Jimmy had managed to put some of his hard earned money away for the future, for their children's college education, Julie found it, stole it, and spent it on herself. He never knew where the money would go, but secretly, Julie had been spending a little on herself, you know new pair of shoes, new dress, some more liquor, but most of it she put in her Julie escape fund, slowly, over many years, planning the moment when she would be able to flee from this ridiculous community, he mundane and insipidly weak husband, and her annoyingly needy children to make the life for herself that she was destined to have back in Newport, back where Julie Cooper belonged. Caitlyn had been born four years after Marissa. She couldn't believe that she had actually became pregnant, I mean it is not as if she granted Jimmy too many opportunities to sleep with her, normally just a few times a year to keep him quite. Perhaps it had actually been…..but wait, it really didn't matter now did it, she thought. Nothing mattered now except getting enough money to leave her life behind her, and she was almost there. Just a few more months and she would not be Jimmy Cooper's wife any longer, a few more months and she would not be Marissa Cooper's or Caitlyn Cooper's mother anymore, she would just be the very single, very flirtatious, very attractive Julie Cooper on the hunt for a wealthy Newport businessman to end her financial drought and make her the queen of the Newpsies.
Cosmo girl did not exist. In fact, Marissa Cooper had never worn designer clothes; she had never worn expensive jewelry, seen the ocean, or even had a boyfriend. She was not a partier, she would occasionally drink, but she did not understand the mystique of getting so drunk you would pass out and not remember anything you had done the night before. Perhaps she had seen too many of those moments with her mother, if you could call her that. Julie may have given birth to her, but she was not a mother. Marissa had one parent, Jimmy, but that was all she needed. Her father was not only the best parent anyone could ask for, he was her best friend. Plus, she had Caitlyn. Maybe because the girls had not had a great female role model to look up to, they had bonded, Marissa had been Caitlyn's mother figure, and they were extremely close. Besides her dad and sister, Marissa had a few friends, but socializing was not that important to her. Instead, she focused on her education, her future, paying scrupulous attention to her work so that someday she could escape her life and live somewhere better, someplace beautiful, someplace magical.
She was sick of barely making ends meet. She worked two part-time jobs, six days a week, and was a full-time college student, paying her way through college and trying to support herself the best she could, relieving some of the financial burden off her dad. He had a good job, but Julie took every penny he made, leaving Jimmy scraping to make ends meet. Marissa, two and a half years ago, was supposed to go to New York City for college, she couldn't wait to live there, but at the last minute, she knew she was not ready to leave her family, her father and her little sister, and that they needed her. At times she knew that she had made the right decision, but most of the time, she regretted not leaving. Imagine life in New York, with the theatre, the window shopping, she would never be able to afford to actually shop there, all she could do was imagine what it was like to spend your life wearing Manolo Blahnik's, Dolce and Gabanna, and Chanel, her favorite designers, the music, the lights, the sounds, the ambiance, and, just in general, the culture, something that was severely lacking where she lived.
Marissa was a commuter student to the local college where she was studying creative writing. Somewhere down the line, and she was not quite where, she had begun to take our her frustrations with life and dream of a better one through characters, some she created herself and others that she watched on TV, living vicariously through their dramatic, eventful lives, something she had not experienced and wished fervently for. Sometimes, she became so depressed that her only escape were her characters, her only joy was writing, and so, she thought, what better way to earn a living, doing the thing she enjoyed the most, doing the thing she was good at, writing. Her goal was to someday be the head writer of a very popular television show, where she could share her creations with the world, and perhaps those similar to her, to help them escape into another world where they could let their problems float away and live in someone else's shoes, probably expensive ones, for an hour a week.
The fall semester had just ended, which meant that Marissa, a junior would have a month to write everyday, all day, relax, and think. Of course, she would still be working six days a week, but she would now actually have some time for herself, but she was not sure whether or not she could stand another holiday season alone. Everywhere she looked around her, she saw couples in love, friends having fun. Everyone seemed to have someone in their lives to love, to enjoy, and, true, she had her father and sister, but that was not the same. Who would she celebrate the New Year with? There was no one she could go to a party with and kiss at Midnight, and there never had been. Marissa was your perennial single. She had never been in a relationship, and, although there had been close calls, she had never even been kissed. Oh, don't get her wrong, many sleazy guys had tried, but she did not want just another relationship like she saw those around her having, she was not going to waste her time on someone who only wanted her for her body, and she was not going to waste her time on some random fling, she had more important things to focus on: graduating college with the best possible GPA and getting a great job afterwards, but she was not sure she could make it here another year and a half.
Oh, how much she longed for warm weather. She had lived her whole life, so far, in the temperamental weather of Pennsylvania, with the seasonal changes, snow, rain, sleet, hail, bad roads, and winter coats and boots. Was it too much to ask to live somewhere where the weather was always beautiful, where you did not have to watch the forecast everyday to make sure you dressed appropriately for whatever the next front brought your way? What was wrong with wanting to live somewhere where you could wake up every morning, look out your window and see the sun shining on the hypnotizing waves crashing upon a smooth, crystal beach with white mist dancing in the sky catching the rays from the sun and causing the droplets to become magical crystals which float back down to earth, waiting for someone to catch them and make a wish? She wanted to live someplace where there were others with liberal political and religious views, where she wouldn't be termed a radical and scoffed at by all the closed minded, conservatives who surrounded her in the hole in the earth she called home. She wanted to live someplace where she would walk out her door, get in her car, and be able to drive a short distance to find a large city which offered all those things she had blindly thrown away when she had turned her back on New York to remain with her family, to help them make ends meet, to help them survive. She wanted to live in a place where people actually knew what a screenwriter did, so when she spoke of her career plans, she wouldn't receive quizzical looks and gaping mouths showing confusion and disbelief. She wanted to start over; she wanted to go someplace where people did not know who this Marissa Cooper was so that she could make a new one. She wanted to run away, but could she do it?
Ryan's life has been pretty much the same as it was in the show. His brother had gotten him in trouble for stealing the car, but Sandy had become his lawyer and had turned his life around. He because a part of the Cohen family, and had been living with them ever since. Without someone named Marissa Cooper, his life in Newport had been much simpler and definitely less dramatic, but Ryan also thought his life was a tad boring. Seth was his best friend and his brother, and after Ryan had helped him catch the eye of his one true love, Summer, the three of them had been inseparable. Occasionally, Ryan had thought about dating girls from Newport, but he just found them all fake, too self-involved, annoying, and basically, a waste of time. Don't worry, he hadn't been lonely, if you catch the meaning, he had had female company, but none of his sexual trysts had meant anything, and none of them had been more than a one night stand. He looked, but at this point, Ryan was starting to wonder if he would ever find someone to love. Would he always just be a bachelor?
Besides being single, Ryan, since arriving in Newport, had focused upon his future. There was no way he was going to end up like his family; he was finally going to be an Atwood who would make something of himself. Quickly, he had turned his life around, and with Kirsten as an example and Sandy's encouragement, he had realized that he wanted to be an architect. After graduation, where he had been in the top five of his class, he had gone on to Stanford. Sandy had recommended Berkley, but Ryan did not want to be that far from his family, the Cohens. Now he was in his junior year, his grades were good, and he enjoyed his life. He lived with Seth and Summer in an apartment off college, and although there were times he felt like the third wheel, he did not think his life could get any better. On weekends, the close-knit group of three went home to Newport and stayed with Sandy, Kirsten, and Zoe. Ryan had his pool house, and Sandy and Kirsten, being the understanding, liberal parents they were, let Seth and Summer stay in Seth's room together.
Seth could not believe how great his life was. Not only did he have the love of his life, well the only person he had ever loved and the only person he would ever love, Summer, but he also had an amazing family. After sixteen years of having no one, Ryan had entered his life, and not only had he become his best friend but he was also the brother he had always wanted. Once he had "seduced" Summer, as he liked to say, the three of them had become inseparable. He now went to Stanford, although all his life he had planned on going to college in the East, his plans had changed rather quickly during senior year of high school. He was glad though that he hadn't gone east, for he loved his life, he couldn't wait to graduate with his graphic design degree and go to work designing video games and comic books, and he knew that he would always have Summer, as long as he did not screw their relationship up! His parents were awesome, and now he also had Zoe. What more could a guy wish for? Well, since you asked, he wished that his brother could find someone to make him as happy as Summer makes him, but hey, you couldn't have everything right? At least he wasn't alone, whew, that was a relief!
Summer had not had the ideal childhood. Sure, her father had spoiled her rotten, and she did love him, but he was not a parental figure, someone she could count on, someone she could trust to be there to help her when she needed it. Then there was her step-mom, someone she definitely didn't count on, and, in fact, did not want in her life. During her sophomore year in high school, she met Seth and Ryan, and from that day on, the Cohen's had become her family. After Zoe was born, she had a little sister, Seth, of course, was her boyfriend, Ryan was like a big brother, very protective and reliable, and Sandy and Kirsten were the parents she had always wanted. Now, all Summer wanted was a best friend. For some reason she had never found just the right girlfriend to fill that difficult role in her life. Plus, she also needed to figure out what exactly she wanted to do with her life. When it came time to decide what to major in at college, she thought of her favorite things: Princess Sparkle, but she really couldn't be a little pony, Seth, but there was no way she wanted to be Cohen, and then there was the Valley. That was it, she thought, she'll major in acting, she would have fun, and maybe, just maybe, she'd get an awesome job on a television show and become rich and famous! But, if that didn't happen, she'd figure something else out.
Busy is the word Sandy uses to describe his life. Not only did he have two sons who were juniors in college, but he also had the world's most amazingly beautiful wife whom he loved more and more as each day passed, he had a very time consuming job as head legal council for the Newport Group, and he also had Zoe. He couldn't believe that he actually worked for the Newport Group, for he had once sworn to himself that he would always work in the public defender's office, but after Cal had "retired", more like ran from persecution by retiring early right before the District Attorney's office had charged the Newport Group with fraud and blackmail charges, leaving Kirsten to possibly take the fall until Sandy had stepped in to fix the situation, he knew that his wife needed someone on her staff to relieve some of the burden and whom she could trust, especially after news of Zoe came. Zoe….just thinking about her made him smile. What had Sandy Cohen ever done in his life, he wondered, to deserve such a wonderful family.
Wow, how things had changed since Ryan had come into their lives. At first, she would admit, she was scared of what he could do to her family, but after spending a few moments with him, she knew that she would never be able to let him leave her family. He just seemed to belong to them, like a lost son whom they had only just found after sixteen long and miserable years. Sure, life had been wonderful before Ryan had entered their lives, but with him, it was magical. Seth now had not only a friend, but a brother, and she had worried about him so much before Ryan had come along. Then, Summer, with Ryan's help, had joined their family when she started to date Seth, giving Kirsten the daughter she had always wanted. As more people began to join their family, Sandy just became happier and happier, and the happier Sandy was, the happier Kirsten was. Her father had almost ruined everything with his underhanded dealings, but then Sandy, her white knight on his high moral steed, had come in and saved the day, and now, because of that close shave with the law, she got to work with her husband everyday. True, she did not go to the office anymore while Sandy did occasionally, but generally, they spent their days working together in the home office and the nights together snuggled up on the couch, playing with Zoe. Zoe was why they worked at home, and she was also why her boys had stayed close to home when they went to college, something she was very thankful for, because she could see them every weekend. Plus, she was sure now, because of Zoe, that the boys would also settle close after they graduated, and she hoped they would all, Summer included, come home to Newport to start their own lives. The only thing she felt she was missing was a best friend, and occasionally, she found herself wondering whatever had happened to Jimmy Cooper.
Zoe was two and a half, don't forget about the half, she always said, and she had the "very bestest" family ever! Not only did she have her mommy and daddy, but she also had the two coolest brothers, Ryan who always played with her, took her to the park, and would tickle her till she cried with laughter, and Seth who taught her the all the moves for the Playstation. Plus, she had Summer who always took her shopping, bought her really cool clothes, painted her nails, and played My Little Ponies with her. The only thing she wished for was someone to make her big brother Ryan smile like Summer made Seth smile. He seemed so sad sometimes, Zoe thought, but at least he had her, "his best girl," as he called her. Oh, and she also wished that her scary grandpa Caleb would not visit anymore. He was always mean to Ryan, made her mommy sad, and fought with her daddy, things no one was allowed to do. Maybe he would just move to that far away, bad place her brothers and parents spoke about sometimes, Chino! Boy, she never wanted to go there!
He was bored with his life. Because of the infuriating DA's office who pressed charges against HIS company, he had to retire early. Now he was stuck wandering around his large estate, golfing, vacationing, and wining and dining young models instead of making money and causing others to lose theirs. His daughter how ran the Newport Group with that ridiculous hippy husband of hers, Sanford, and, true, it was still successful, but they wasted much of their time trying to help those less fortunate and being charitable. He worried about who would inherit his life work, because Seth showed no interest in the company, Zoe already seemed inappropriate for the job, and he knew that Kirsten and Sandy both had plans to turn it over someday to the delinquent they had blindly let into their home, letting him take advantage of their wealth and status, just because the criminal had a talent for architecture and a love for development. Sure, they said he was just as much their son as Seth, but that company, the company he had started with nothing could not be turned over to someone who did not deserve it just so that he could run it into the ground and ruin Caleb Nichol's name. He knew this would not happen for quite some time, but now Ryan was a junior in college, and he would soon be graduating, and Kirsten would insist upon him working for the Newport group as their chief architect. Somehow he needed to stop that, but how, and who could he find as an ally?
So now you know everyone's past, motivations, and wishes. There is a new character, and definitely room in many of these characters' lives for drama and romance! Since the background has now been successfully explained, I will move onto the first installment. Word for the wise, I am incapable of posting short snippets of storyline. When I post, it will be long and detailed, but I know that when I read other poster's fan fictions, I always want more than what posters give me. I hope everyone will read what I write, but if now, oh well, because I enjoy writing it, and I write for myself and no one else! Happy Holidays and, more importantly, Happy Reading! THANKS!
Episode #1: The New Arrival
Marissa: She was driving to work, she had just taken her last final, and before she had left she had looked at a map of California, finding the town she wished she lived in, and she had looked through the website of the school she wished she attended. Oh, she thought, Newport Beach, what would it be like to live there, and Stanford, could she really go to college there? Mimicking her mood, which at the moment was not that chipper, she was listening to Fiona Apple, and attempting to hold back the tears that kept forming in her eyes. Before she knew what she was doing, she was thinking out loud, first speaking quietly, then yelling loudly over the mellow, depressed music. "How am I going to survive another holiday season, ALONE, with nothing to give me comfort except my laptop and my writing? Work is miserable, pretending to want to help others, speak with the customers as if I actually enjoy my job and want to see them everyday. What is wrong with sitting quietly by yourself, thinking at work? Why does everyone expect you to be enthusiastic and warm, giving everyone a smile, smiles you want to save for those who actually do something to elicit them from you? How can I go home tonight, smile again through my sadness, and pretend that school is wonderful and that I enjoy my job just so that my family doesn't worry about me. My dad doesn't need to worry about anyone else, and Caitlyn should be enjoying her high school years and not worrying about me. How can I get up tomorrow to just face the same mundane day that I am wasting away right now? How can I live this life any longer! I can't, I just can't do it any more! I need out of here, I need out of this town, but how?" Her mind worked quickly as she contemplated how she could escape, how she could start over, and by the time she had reached work, her plan was complete, and she had a genuine smile on her face, knowing that tomorrow would be a better day.
Credits and Commercial Break
Back in California, Seth, Ryan, and Summer had just finished with their last final as well, had packed their bags, and had gone back to Newport to stay with their family and celebrate Chrismukkah. Of course, Seth was acting like a kid in a candy store; he couldn't wait to get home, so that he could order everyone around and tell them how to decorate the house for his awesome, super, uber-holiday! Plus, he needed to spend a little Seth/Ryan time in the poolhouse, playing Playstation, and discussing his favorite subject, himself, so that he could get advice from Ryan as to what to buy Summer for Chrismukkah. Ryan was just excited that he would have almost a month off to relax and not worry about cramming for tests, writing papers, or cleaning up their apartment. No one else really cared about how messy things got in their place, but he could not stand it when everyone's' stuff was just lying around, cluttering everything up. Plus, maybe being home would help him forget how lonely he was at school or the fact that he had to finally take an English class, something he had been dreading and putting off since he had begun college. He was taking a creative writing course, figuring that creative writing might be easier because he would not have to follow as many English rules on sentence structure, grammar, and vocabulary. He thought time would tell though if that was a good decision or not, but there was no changing his schedule now. Summer was just thrilled to be getting presents. She was a little shallow, and she knew that, but Seth had been acting weird, well stranger than normal, so she was curious as to what he had up his sleeve for this Chrismukkah. Then, being at the Cohen's, she would also get to see Sandy, Kirsten, and Zoe. What could be better than spending the holidays with the people you loved and respected the most in the whole world? They had just arrived, and were all getting out of the car, walking up to the door, and waiting for Sandy and Kirsten to answer the doorbell.
Seth: (rubbing his hands together in anticipation and slightly jumping up and down out of excitement) Oh my gosh, you two, I can't believe you're not more excited, don't you know what is almost here. (waits a few seconds, punches Ryan's arm playfully) Dude, it's almost Chrismukkah! I can feel the slight nip in the air…..
Summer: Cohen, we live in southern California, there is no nip in the air.
Seth: Summer, you're ruining the moment, and besides (He gives her a wink and a kiss on the cheek.) I would love to see you a little nipply, if you get what I'm saying!
Summer: Ugh, Cohen, shut up! I can't believe you, Ryan is standing right there, and we're waiting outside of your parents' house! You're such a freaking perv!
Ryan: Yeah, our parents house, why, again Seth, are we standing here ringing the doorbell? This is our house, too, and they know that we're coming.
Seth: But, they didn't know WHEN we're going to get here, so when they open the door and see their three favorite people in the whole world, they're going to be so excited and happy, and it will put them in the perfect mood to decorate for….(the door opens to reveal Sandy, Kirsten, and Zoe standing there) Chrismukkah! Merry Chrismukkah, family! And how is everyone? I was commenting on how you can tell it's almost Chrismukkah. There's a nip in the air…
Kirsten: Seth, we live in Southern California It's 67 degrees today. What are you talking about?
Seth: Mother, you're ruining this special Chrismukkah moment! Anyway, back to what I was saying, there's a nip in the air, everything smells like gingerbread cookies and pine trees, the houses are all aglow with their little, twinkling lights, and the whole family…. (looks around him and notices that no one is standing there, but the bags are in the foyer and there are noises coming from the kitchen) Hey, where did everyone go, I was just telling you how you could tell it's Chrismukkah time! OH MY GOD! (Seth yells and everyone runs into the living room thinking that something is wrong.)
Sandy: What, what is it?
Seth: Who picked out this tree? Mother, I can't believe this! I sent you explicit instructions, drawings even, about what I wanted the tree to look like, and you got this! What didn't you understand? The needles were supposed to be the color of the Hulk when he gets really mad, it was supposed to be ten foot tall and proportionally wide, not too wide that it looks fat, but just the right size so that the width would match the height. It was supposed to fit this room, not look like a dwarf. I can't believe this, we're going to have to throw this away and go out and buy another one, but it's getting late, what if we can't find the right tree. I knew I should have just come home early, so that I could pick the tree myself. Well, anyway, I guess we can't decorate yet, so who's coming with me to pick out the new tree. Ryan….Ryan, where are you. You can put this tree in the poolhouse, dude, I'll give you this, see how generous I am. (As he continues to talk, he moves into the kitchen looking for everyone else and gets louder and louder, trying to get their attention and make them listen to him as he rambles on, and the family just keeps avoiding him by moving from room to room.) Mother, now Mother, I think you should go with me. That way, for next year and subsequent years, I could teach you the art of picking out a tree, so that a mistake like this will never happen again. Plus, Mother, you know that the Christmas tree is from your gentile tradition that you passed down to me, but Father you could go. You know, pick out the perfect tree, and experience what the other side does for the holidays. You could leave your Jewish roots behind and become a gentile for a day, alright fine, an afternoon. Father, are you listening? What about my little Summer! I know you want to go, you love Chrismukkah almost as much as I do, don't deny it; I know you do. You've been as giddy as Gramps in a vault this week, preparing what you'd pack, buying presents for everyone, wrapping them, singing Chrismukkah carols with me. Summer you are my Chrismukkah partner, you're the Cher to my Sonny, except I'm not dead, and you're not tall, I'm actually tall, but you get my picture, don't you Summer. Summer, Summer, where are you. Oh, yeah, and Ryan, I almost forgot your Chino roots. You should come along, bargain with the tree dealer, get the price down, you know, put your street skills to good use, save the old Cohen family a few dollars around the holidays! Is anyone listening to me, doesn't anyone care about the holidays. Zoe, that's it, little Zoe, you'll go with your favorite brother to pick out a tree, you know you want to. If you come, I'll let you put the star on top, I know it usually is my job, but you're getting older now, it may be time to pass the tradition down to the younger generations, but I won't be able to pick you up while you do it, you're too heavy for me now. Ryan will have to hold you, or Summer .You know, Zoe, Summer is really strong, especially when she's having a rage blackout! I think I still have bruises from her hitting me the last time she got one….
Summer: (hitting him as hard as she can in the arm) What you mean like that Cohen? God, can't you just shut up? We've only just got here, and you're already driving everyone nuts with your incessant Coheny banter. Give the tree thing a rest already, this one is fine. No, it's more than fine, it's perfect.
Kirsten: Thank you Summer. I'm glad someone appreciates my tree, and for your information Seth, the salesman at the tree lot said that you're tree buying instructions were incomprehensible.
Seth: Yeah, well that's probably because he doesn't have a degree in forestry. If he did, he would have realized the genius of my tree design. But anyway, OOOWWW, Summer, that really hurt. Now, I won't be able to wear the Chrismukkah shirt I designed for the family picture.
Ryan: You designed yourself a Chrismukkah shirt? Dude, I think you've just gotten to a whole new level of weird.
Seth: Well, for your information, Ryan, I designed everyone a Chrismukkah shirt for the family photo, but maybe someone, I won't name names, but he's acting like a real Ebenezer Scrooge right now, yes he is, well maybe that someone won't be getting their shirt this year, maybe he'll be kicked out of the family photo. Poor sports, those who don't have the Chrismukkah spirit cannot partake in the wonders I have planned for this family.
Sandy: Seth, you can't just kick Ryan out of the family photo because he doesn't want to wear the shirt you designed for him, and now that you mention it, good luck getting me into a shirt you made.
Seth: Father, you insult me and injure my feelings. (Summer moans and rolls her eyes.) My talents for design are way under-estimated in this family. Wait, I'll show you all, just wait, I'll just go get the shirts out of my suitcase, and I'll show you just how wonderful they all are.
Sandy:Have you seen these shirts? Tell us, how bad are they?
Summer: Mr. C, I didn't even know he was making them! (Seth walks back in the room, holding a pile of t-shirts, Summer hits him) Cohen, and where have you been making these shirts, because I sure haven't seen any thing around the apartment. Are you hanging you with some Home Ec nerds, some Betty Crockers, because if you are dare step out on me Seth Cohen, your little, bony fingers will get broken soooo bad, you'll never be able to sew again, do you understand me?
Kirsten: Making it so Seth can't sew might be a good idea anyway Summer.
Seth: Mother, I can't believe you just backed violence, you just supported an idea to injure your beautiful baby boy, and Summer, don't insult the Home Ec girls. They have taught me so much stuff. I can sew, darn, I can make a mean milkshake, and, and, I can now iron, though I still won't do it, because ironing makes my arm sore, and a sore arm always throws off my bad back, you know how it is, right Ryan? (Ryan just gives him the look) Right, of course, kids from Chino don't own any clothes that need to be ironed, got it, sorry buddy. (Seth looks up again, and Ryan is still giving him the look) Alright, anyway, before Ryan pummels me to death, let me at least share with everyone their pre-Chrismukkah gift, the new, traditional, Cohen family holiday t-shirt. (Seth pulls a shirt out of the pile, fans it out, and holds it out for display for everyone to see.)
Ryan: I hope that one is Zoe's Seth.
Seth: No, look at the back, yeah, I know, I shouldn't have, but I put everyone's names on the backs, too, and this one is yours. (Seth turns the back around for all to see, and the shirt which is on display, definitely says Ryan, but it looks to be the size of a boy's youth small, definitely too small for Ryan or any other adult.) So, what do you think? See Ryan, the shirt's not that bad. I know, I know, too much holiday cheer might ruin your whole bad boy, moody image, but would you just wear it around the family, that's all I ask, oh, and for the picture. I know we mail those out, but no one really pays any attention to you, everyone looks to see me, because they know that Chrismukkah is my holiday, I'm the star of this one. Oh, and I will also need you to wear it to all of the holiday parties the Newpsies have around her, you know, show this town that the Cohen family is united in their Chrismukkah spirit. (By this time, everyone is just rolling in laughter, but Seth is oblivious. He just keeps talking, rambling on about, what else, what Seth wants and thinks, and is displaying all the shirts around the living room, getting out each one, one by one, and it is obvious that each shirt is way to small for their intended receiver.)
Sandy: (Choking back another laugh) So, Seth, son, I guess your buddies in the home ec department didn't teach you that t-shirts with 100 cotton shrink in the dryer did they? (Everyone just starts to laugh harder)
Seth: Father, what are you talking about, and don't start trying to pull off the sarcasm, that is my calling, my little niche in this family. I'm the sarcastic one. (Seth finally shuts up long enough to hear everyone laughing). What, what is so funny? Mother, Summer, Ryan, Father, Zoe….is anyone going to answer me? What?
Kirsten: Seth, I know you're proud of your shirts honey, but really take a good look at them. Those aren't going to fit us.
Seth: Oh, no, look (Seth pulls off his sweater to reveal that he is already wearing his Chrismukkah shirt), see Mother, they do fit. I've secretly been wearing mine since the first week of December.
Summer: Ew, Cohen, that's disgusting! I haven't seen that in the wash once, and you've been wearing it this whole time.
Seth: Oh God no, that would be gross, and I could never disgrace the Chrismukkah shirt with a bad odor or sweat stains…
Ryan: What would you have done in Home ec to break a sweat, Seth? (Everyone laughs again.)
Seth: Very funny, Ryan, you know I prefer you when you are not funny. Why don't you just go out to the poolhouse and brood a little, huh? We don't need you bringing down our Chrismukkah spirit, now do we, everyone? (Everyone is still laughing). Anyway, back to me. (Seth clears his throat and everyone slowly stops laughing.) Like I was saying, I did not wear this shirt everyday. In order to make sure the shirts were perfect, I began practicing making them at the beginning of the semester. It was my big project for the class, and by the time the first of December rolled around, I had enough practice shirts to wear one everyday as an undershirt, and Summer, I didn't put them in the laundry, because I didn't want to ruin the surprise, but when we get back to school, I will need you to gather them all from under the bed and wash them so that they are ready for next Chrismukkah.
Summer: Ew, Cohen, under our bed. The room is going to reek when we get back.
Sandy:So back to these shirts, son, why did you dry them all?
Seth: Father, do you know nothing about clothing design? After I had screened all the photos on them, I had to dry the shirts to make sure that all my hard work wouldn't peel off.
Kirsten: Instead of having all your hard work peel off, you just made sure that you and Zoe would be the only ones who would be able to wear the shirts.
Seth: Well, oh well, you guys don't deserve a Chrismukkah shirt, but Zoe does, and she wants to wear one, right Zoe?
Zoe: (yells) NO!
Seth: But Zoe, I worked so hard, and you'd look adorable in them, not as adorable as me, but still pretty cute. Come on, you know only cool kids wear Chrismukkah shirts.
Zoe: No! I'm not wearing one if Summer doesn't. (Seth gets an incredulous expression on his face and is shocked that Zoe doesn't want to wear his shirt.)
Ryan: Just think of it, Seth, this way, there are more for you.
Seth: Ryan, my man, you are so right! Besides, no one else could carry off this look. It takes a fine physique and a graceful body to pull off these shirts, and I'm only one in this whole room who has that. (During this, Seth first flexes his arms, where no muscle is shown, and then poses like a supermodel.)
Summer: Yeah, whatever you say there, bird arms! (Everyone laughs, except Seth.)
Seth: You know what Summer, you're not being very nice to me, so I guess I won't buy you any presents this year!
Summer: You haven't bought my presents yet? Cohen, you promised you were already done shopping this year, that's why you couldn't go with me!
Seth: If you all will excuse me, (Seth starts running away and goes upstairs) I need to leave before Summer kills me in her rage blackout!
Summer: (Starts to run after him) You may run fast, Cohen, but you can't hide from me forever, and when I get my hands on your skinny ss, there will be hell to pay!
Kirsten: It's so nice to have such a mature son and his girlfriend home for the holidays!
Sandy: You definitely can't complain now honey that this house is too quiet.
Ryan: Yeah, welcome to my life. They're like this everyday, and most of the time, they're worse. Consider this their dialed down, holiday version of foreplay! (Sandy laughs, and Kirsten mock hits Ryan on the arm)
Kirsten: Not in front of Zoe, Ryan!
Ryan: (picks Zoe up and twirls her around) Oh come on Kirsten, Zoe will never know what that word means if I have anything to do with it!
Sandy:Amen to that!
Kirsten: (laughs) What are you going to do Ryan, lock her up?
Sandy:Or he could just lead by example. (Sandy laughs at his own pun on Ryan and Kirsten gives him a look.)
Kirsten: Sandy, stop it, leave Ryan alone. I'm glad he focuses on his school work.
Sandy:I'd just like for him to bring a girlfriend home once in a while, you know, honey, our son is a stud, look at him.
Kirsten: Well, he is rather dashing, if I do say so myself. (Ryan blushes)
Sandy:Exactly, and from what Seth tells me, the girls at Stanford have noticed as well, but Ryan just doesn't show any interest in them.
Kirsten: That's because none of them are good enough for Ryan. (She goes over to her son and kisses him on the cheek)
Sandy:Oh, honey, please, don't turn Ryan into a snobby Newpsie! He's the only normal one around here that I can talk to about guy stuff!
Kirsten: Yes, of course, I forgot how big you are into sports and motorcycles, Sandy, I'm sorry! (Ryan laughs)
Ryan: Guy stuff, Sandy, I'm sorry man, but when have you ever wanted to talk about guy stuff. You always try to get me to talk about musicals and show tunes.
Kirsten: See what I mean?
Sandy: Boy, now I know how Seth feels when we all gang up on him! (He pretends to pout.)
Kirsten: Oh Sandy, (she walks over to him and puts her arms around his neck.) did we hurt your feelings?
Sandy: Yes, yes you did, and there is only one way to make me feel like a man again, and baby you're the only one who can do that! (Kirsten starts to kiss Sandy, and Ryan, who's holding Zoe on his shoulders, reaches up and covers her eyes for her while she giggles. Seth and Summer walk back into the room- they're in the kitchen now. As Ryan continues to cover Zoe's eyes, he walks outside and goes to the poolhouse.)
Seth: Oh parents please! (Sandy and Kirsten ignore him.) Ryan, buddy, I'm right behind you. Come on Summer, I don't want them to corrupt your innocence!
Summer: Corrupt me, what are you talking about Cohen? We've been having s….
Seth: Ew, Summer, not in front of the parents, that's disgusting, besides I don't think they know. (Seth whispers this and winks at her. They begin to walk out of the house, but Seth stops and turns around and heads back to the fridge, shielding his eyes from his parents' make-out session.)
Summer: Cohen, what are you doing? Aren't you coming to the poolhouse?
Seth: Summer, I'm hungry, I need pudding. Go on without me, I'll make it, I'll survive the grossness of my parents, but I don't want you to suffer. Go, go, please, Summer, save yourself.
Summer: Shut up, Cohen. (He shoos her) Fine, I'm going.
Seth: (Seth grabs some pudding, grabs a spoon, and heads out the door, skipping.) Hey, you two don't do anything I wouldn't do! (Seth leaves, and Sandy and Kirsten just wave goodbye. When Seth bursts into the poolhouse, Ryan and Zoe are playing Playstation, Summer is reading a magazine, and no one pays any attention to Seth's arrival.) So, now the real poolhouse party can start, because I'm here, and I brought pudding, Tapioca, my favorite, but I only brought one spoon, so I guess everyone else can just lick the pudding out of the containers.
Summer: That's okay Seth; I think we'll survive without your pudding. I'm sure your Mom has her take-out order already planned, and it's sure to taste better than your stupid pudding.
Seth: Summer, I can take you insulting me and the bird arms; you can even insult comic books, but don't ever insult the pudding. If you do that again, I don't think we could remain together!
Summer: Fine by me!
Seth: Summer! (pretends to cry)
Summer: Ah, baby, did I hurt your feelings. Here, let me make it better. (she takes the pudding from him, opens it, takes the spoon, and feeds him his pudding.) You're not mad at me any more, are you?
Seth: Summer, you just fed me pudding! Besides, you know I can never stay mad at you.
Summer: Ah, Cohen. (They begin to kiss, and Seth pushes her down on the bed so that he's leaning over her while he's kissing her.)
Ryan: Hey, no PDA in the poolhouse, especially because Zoe's here. (He covers her eyes, until he notices that Summer is still holding the pudding.) Zoe, honey, cover your own eyes, please, Ryan has to go kick Seth's scrawny little ss! (Ryan gets up and goes towards Seth and Summer.) You guys, no pudding in the bed, please, I have to sleep here! (Ryan tries to grab the pudding out of Summer's hands, as Zoe watches everything that happens and giggles.)
Seth: Please, Ryan, don't! I'm sorry, but Summer and I are not into kinky stuff like 3-ways like you Chino boys are. You'll just have to find some other couple to join!
Summer: (hits Seth) Ew, Cohen!
Ryan: Seth, you better get yourself and your pudding out of my bed before I count to three, or you're so going down!
Seth: (Seth jumps out of the bed, grabs his pudding, runs out of the poolhouse and heads towards the main house as Ryan chases after him with Summer, carrying Zoe, following suit, but they're laughing.) Mom, help! Ryan's going to kill me…and, and he said (arriving in the house and Sandy and Kirsten pull apart)ss (whispered) in front of Zoe.
Ryan: (he enters the house, too, and gives Seth the look.) Seriously, Seth, tattling, what are we, still eight and three-quarters?
Seth: No, as a matter of fact, Ryan, I am now nine and a half (notices Zoe has come in with Summer), and ask Zoe, those half years make a lot of difference, don't they baby girl?
Zoe: Seth, you're not nine and a half, you're old! (Everyone laughs)
Seth: Yeah, thanks for the help there Zoe, but anyways, Mom, Dad, so what's going to be Ryan's punishment? You know as well as I do that violence is prohibited in the Cohen family household, and add on top of that, swearing in front of the minor, I'd say that would definitely merit Ryan having to carry in all the Chrismukkah decorations from the garage! So, parents, what do you think, does the punishment fit the crime, or is it not harsh enough, because I can be stricter, you just let me know? Seth Cohen, punisher extraordinaire! (Seth looks around looking for encouragement, but all he finds are grins.)
Sandy: You know, I think you're the one who should lift the boxes and carry them in from the garage. It will help you fill out all of those Chrismukkah shirts!
Seth: Father, that is not funny. I am already more man than Summer, over there, can handle, what do you think she would do if I started to look like this protein injected beef cake? (Points to and indicates Ryan) She wouldn't be able to contain herself.
Summer: Oh just wait, Cohen, you will see how well I can contain myself. This will be one long Chrismukkah vacation for you, because you'll be spending it all alone on the living room couch.
Ryan: I've heard it's pretty comfortable. And besides, Zoe cover your ears please, honey, Seth also had a potty mouth out in the poolhouse, didn't you Seth?
Kirsten: Seth, what did you say? Tattling and you were in the wrong, too? Ryan, go ahead, this is just getting interesting, because if you have to be punished, then I guess Seth might have to be, too, and since he's determining your punishment, you can determine his.
Ryan: Well, you see Mom, Seth here brought up a little thing called the three-way, and I know Zoe heard every word of his sordid ramblings.
Sandy: Son, you know that sex talk is not allowed in front of Zoe, so what should his punishment be, Ryan?
Zoe: (While Ryan thinks, Zoe gets impatient and yells) Can I uncover my ears yet?
Summer: (Gently pulls her hands down.) Yes, the boys are done tattling on each other, but you still get to hear what their punishment will be.
Sandy: Yes, baby?
Zoe: What's a three-way?
Sandy: (Smacks Seth over the head.) It's a phone conversation honey where three people talk at the same time.
Seth: (speaks at the same time Sandy does and rubs his head.) Ouch! What are you trying to do, give me brain damage? I can't think. Everything is going blurry, Dad, I think you gave me a brain aneurysm.
Zoe: No, daddy, I don't think that's what they meant.
Summer: Yes, Zoe, trust me, that's what Seth meant, because that's the only option Seth will ever have.
Summer: Shut it Cohen!
Kirsten: Anyway, back to the punishment, what do you say Zoe?
Zoe: Can Seth get a time out?
Ryan: I don't know, Seth is used to spending time with himself, so that really wouldn't be that much of a punishment for him.
Summer: You could say that again!
Seth: You're hurting my feelings here Summer.
Ryan: I thought that since I have to carry in all of Seth's Chrismukkah decorations, that the whole time we decorate, he can help, but wait, Seth doesn't do manual labor, but, anyway, he can't say a single word, the whole time, even if he doesn't like where we put something.
Sandy: I like it!
Kirsten: Ryan, I wish you would have been around to punish Seth when he was little, because in sixteen years, Sandy and I, while you weren't here, never thought of a better punishment than that!
Seth: Whoa, guys, wait, I can't do that. No, that's not fair. Ryan's punishment really isn't punishment, anyway. You know I would have made him carry everything in anyway, and I have to talk, I have to instruct. It's my job on the Chrismukkah wheel. Wait, maybe you've forgotten, I'll go get it. It's just right upstairs… (Seth starts to walk away)
Sandy: Stop right there, Seth. You heard your punishment, and you have to live up to the deal.
Seth: Nope, I'm not doing it.
Kirsten: Fine, then, I'll cook every night you're home during break.
Sandy: Please, Seth, take the punishment. Chrismukkah is the time for giving, take your punishment and give us all good meals. (Everyone laughs and Kirsten slaps Sandy playfully.)
Sandy: Sorry, honey, but the more you practice, the worse you get.
Summer: Oh, and Cohen, if you don't take your punishment, you will sleep on that couch in there all by yourself, and I'm not joking this time!
Seth: Of course you are baby; you couldn't make it through one night without a little lovin' from your Sugar daddy, Seth! (He walks towards her with his hands out looking to embrace her, but instead she puts Zoe in his arms.)
Summer: Here, hold your sister.
Seth: (putting Zoe down quickly.) Summer, you know I can't carry Zoe, she's too heavy. (He holds his back in feigned pain.) Oh man, now I definitely can't help decorate, you just made me throw my back out!
Kirsten: (looks at her watch.) So, what do you say Ryan, is it time to carry in those decorations?
Ryan: Sure. (He goes off towards the front door.)
Sandy: And you know what that means, Seth, quiet time.
Sandy: Nope, that's it, but was your last word until all the decorating is over. (Seth opens his mouth to say something)
Kirsten: Hey, no take-out, and I cook, remember.
Summer: Yeah, and you'll also spend all of break on the couch.
Seth: (He mouths okay and walks into the living room, sits down, puts his head in his hands, his feet up, and prepares to watch everyone decorate.)
Ryan: Here's the first load. Who wants the tree decorations?
Kirsten: I'll take those. Thank you. (Ryan hands her the box and the scene fade outs as the group starts to decorate.)