Disclaimer: "Stargate SG-1" and its characters are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Film Corp., Showtime/Viacom and USA Networks, Inc. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and story are the property of the author(s), and may not be republished or archived elsewhere without the author's permission.

AN: This is NOT part of my Awakening series of fics. This is a mental detour set in a very definate alternate universe season 9, after an alternate Avalon/Origin (WIP). It's linked to that S6 set untitled, unfinished fic in my Anomolies fics.
AU bits - SG-1 comprises of Sam, Mitchell, Teal'c, and Jonas. Jack still runs the SGC. Janet is alive. Daniel is floaty and zen - I've always thought there would have been some great angst for Daniel to attempt to play just within the rules, also I thought ascension as a concept took a massive knock when it became a get-out-of-death-free card. He tries to play within the rules because ascension is that valuable.
But this isn't going to be angst. It's a fair bit less silly, and more action orientated than originally planned, but I hope it's still going to be fun.
Oh, and I married off Jonas. And there are chapters... weird. : p

The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society

Here follows the minutes of the twelfth meeting of The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society.
(Patron: Brigadier General Jack O'Neill)

Members in attendance:
Colonel Jake Harper – Team leader, SG-5
Jonas Quinn – Civilian Advisor, SG-1
Also in attendance:
Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter – Team leader, SG-1
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell – Team member, SG-1

Welcomes and apologies. (Minutes/previous meeting)

She knew this was going to happen, as she ran back towards the hill. She knew from the moment General O'Neill helpfully suggested some extra manpower. She just knew.

It did not matter that the planet was, to all intents and purposes, as dead as Apothos. Just put those two together and… Good grief, she just wanted a nice easy mission! Was that too much to ask? What were they? Bad Karma magnets?


Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter took a deep breath of the clear air as she climbed down the Stargate's steps. This mission was going to be simple, efficient, standard, no problem. Look around, read some glyphs, chat with Cam, go home. She turned as the puddle blipped for two more figures stepping through. This will be easy.

She watched as Colonel Jake Harper checked the sky through dark glasses. "Mr. Quinn, report."

"Given the available information, and our current surroundings, Colonel, I would calculate a less than ten per cent probability of trouble."

Sam swallowed an inward groan, but let the outward eye roll pass in the face of two unrepentant grins. This is, she repeated to herself, going to be a straightforward mission. An absolute piece of cake, to quote the General.

"I really don't think we need SG-5. From all our readings the planet is deserted within a 50 mile radius."

"Carter, right now, after making our new friends, there is no discussion on whether or not you are heading out with another team. Teal'c's off playing bore the Jaffa. Mitchell, love him to bits, still needs that tiny touch more experience at ground level. You're breaking in a new SGC nerd. And Jonas? Little worried he's having the whole distracted thing going on, ya know, I think the pregnancy is affecting his hormones."

"Sir, SG-12 can be prepped and ready to go-"

"Come on, Carter! You are going to be 100 percent in charge of this one, just keep 'em apart. And anyway, you're the mathematician isn't it statistically likely that this is going to be a straight forward run?"

Yes, statistically likely as long as the statistic was not 99 percent against.

She waited as the Stargate disgorged the last traveller, then passed her eye over the men assembled in front of her. Dr. Milton (looking like he had a touch of wormhole-sickness), Jonas Quinn, Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell, and the four man team of SG-5, headed by the delightful Jake Harper. Well, so far so good.

"Colonel, have your team secure the gate area. We'll check the area beyond the hill first before doubling back towards the ruins. We'll maintain radio contact on the hour."

"Uh, Sam," said Jonas, "the ruins are fairly extensive. I don't think the light's going to hold, and Dr. Milton and I should really check them out."

"The area beyond the hill may well be important."

"If we split up, we would cover the mission objectives faster."

"That sounds like a bad horror movie waiting to happen," comments Cam.

Jonas gave Cam the look her excellent military training had managed to nip in the bud.

"I doubt there will an axe maniac hidden behind a wall, and I do know how to use this." This being the P90 that Sam had mentally earmarked as soon as the words SG-5 were uttered. "Anyway, couldn't one of SG-5 join us?"

"And miss out on baby-sitting 64,000 pounds of Stargate? Sure, I think we can spare a man."

Oh boy.

Sam turned her attention back to Jake Harper. Jonas was right, now all she had to do was use her genius to avoid openly saying in front of everyone that she definitely did not want the senior officer to back those two up. Definitely did not want to move that statistic up to 99.99 percent... recurring.

Was that a smirk?

Looked like that chat with Cam was going to have to wait some more.

"Williams," said Col. Harper, nodding to his second in command, "go play with Colonel Carter's team."

Thank the… oh, that is so absolutely a smirk. Not aimed at her though. Sam glanced over to Jonas to catch his face pulling itself into a neutral expression as he casually rearranged the straps on his back-pack. She was going to throw one of them through the gate in a minute. A few million miles should be far enough apart.

"Williams, you're with Jonas and Dr. Milton. Radio in every half an hour."

She received a "yes, ma'am" from Williams, and a sharp salute from Jonas. Dr. Milton still looked a bit green around the gills. She watched them as they walked toward their goal before turning back to Sg-5's team leader. She noted he had already sent the rest of his team to secure the surrounding area.

"Colonel," she said.

"Yes, Colonel?"

"As before."

"Understood, Colonel. This is your mission. I'll stay here and toast marshmallows on this quiet, little, empty planet while you two baby birds take flight."

If Cam wasn't near she would have hit him by now.

Don't, said her look to him.

Don't what?

Jake, just don't!

She couldn't help matching his grin.

Cam bounced up next to her as she strode towards the hill. "Are we expecting trouble?"

"Pfft, always." She glanced at him, "actually, you've never been on a mission where we've teamed up with SG-5 before have you?"

"Not yet." He paused. "Why?"

She smiled at him. "Cameron, I have some good news, and some bad news."

Matters arising

She nearly skidded back down the far side of the hill as she reached for her radio. She hoped Cam wasn't going to hit that same dip, because, right now, she really didn't need Alice to bust his ankle.

"Jonas, what's your status?"

It seemed to take an age, as she crested the hill, for a reply to come.

"We're shooting, and running." She could hear the shots over the radio. "Mostly running."

That was getting very close to full blown sarcasm.

"Jonas, where are you?"

"Trees, outside the ruins. Dr Milton's been hit." In the background she hears Williams shout; 'Jonas, I've got Milton covered. We're moving.' "Back to the gate in 10... hopefully."

Sam righted herself as she sped down the hill side. In her peripheral vision she saw Cam almost nimbly doing the same, almost.

"Colonel Harper?"

"We've got the gate dialled and covered. Move forward to provide back up at tree line?"

"Do it, we'll be back at the gate in less than 10."

"I thought this planet was meant to be dead," said Cam.

"You have so much to learn," she sighed.

They reached the bottom of the hill and increased in speed towards the Stargate. She had been pretty excited when Jonas had mentioned finding the laboratory over the radio, and it was probably a good thing she and Cam had decided head back at that point, but, honestly, couldn't they have just found a lab and not woken up the sleeping army of…

"Jonas, any idea who we're dealing with?"

"If we find a ring platform I'll pop up and ask."

Right, no more fishing trips for him.

As they neared the gate she saw a yellow and orange flash in the distant trees, followed by gunfire from two figures hidden just outside the woods.

Three men burst out of the tree line. One appeared to be injured but mobile, being almost pushed along by the man behind. The other aimed back into the trees, covering it with short bursts from his P90.

Just then the first glider appeared above the trees. And for a long moment, even though Sam knew it could not have been more than a second, all five men at the trees looked up.

When the second howled past they all, sensibly, started running.