I know some wont like this, but I really wanted to write about it.
From the Bottom of my Kyle
I don't know exactly when my infatuation first started. It might've been back when Bebe pointed it out in third grade, but all I know is, it's been a long ass time. Every single day as I'm walking down the halls, I make sure to be at least three steps behind him. That gives me a small window of time to get just a tiny glimpse.
Kyle Broflovski, the dorky jew of South Park, salutatorian of the graduating senior class... heavenly, heavenly ass. No, I'm not using 'ass' as an adjective, I am in fact talking about Kyle's ass... caboose... tail... junk in the trunk or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. This is no normal ass, this is indeed the essence of ass, the most perfect and shapely ass that you will ever have the pleasure of viewing.
So, day in and day out, I find my eyes descending to Kyle's perk cheeks. After I'm done getting a good look, I wipe away the drool, catch up to him, pat him on the back and talk about the latest Bronco's game. If he ever caught me staring.. God, I don't even wanna think about it. I've come very close to being caught several times, and let me tell you, it's enough to make you pee your pants. Well, first of all, I haven't exactly picked the best times to check out my friend's ass. Just to give you an idea...
Kyle's Bar Mitzvah was a celebration of him becoming a man in the Jewish community.. for him. For me, it was a "watch-that-ass-as-he-walks-up to-the-front-of-the-synogogue-celebration." Now I know I was only 13 at the time, but geez, this is Kyle's ass we're talking about here. It has only gotten better with time. He'll probably have the best ass when he's 80. Anyways, I couldn't pry my eyes away from the fine sight. If my eyes were rays of light, they would've burned a hole in his ass. I wasn't aware of it until Ike, who was sitting next to me, caught me gawking like an idiot.
"Stan, what're you looking at?"
"What do you mean? I'm watching Kyle."
"So am I, but-"
"No... butt. You're looking at his butt."
I was convinced I was caught redhanded, but me, being the sly Stan Marsh I was, came up with the perfect excuse.
"No Ike, my eyes were staring in that general direction all along... Kyle just walked into my line of vision and I was too lazy to move them."
I was sure he wasn't going to, but the little shit actually bought it. He's pretty dumb for being a genious, but I guess I'm thankful for that because he didn't relay any of that information to Kyle.
Now, football championships, a WHOLE different story. For the second time in history, the South Park Cows had made it into the championships, so you can only imagine how psyched the whole town was. So there I was, Stan Marsh, starting quarterback, standing at the line, waiting to have the ball hiked to me. Was I watching the ball? No, of course not. Was I even thinking about the game? Nope. Where the hell was my mind at? I'll tell you where it was at.. It was caught on the fact that Kyle's rear end looked so hot in those football pants. I mean, they fit like a fucking glove, showing off those nice curves, beautiful shape... I could go on forever, so it was no wonder why I didn't catch the ball when it was hiked to me and in the end we lost. I was of course blamed for the loss and people ignored me for a week or two, but that wasn't what upset me. My dad is fucking obsessed with making videos of every little stupid thing. Sometimes I just wanna throw them into a nice big pile and burn them right in front of him, teach him not to make any more videos with incriminating evidence. Maybe he'd learn his lesson that way.
Two days after the horrible game, Mr. Broflovski requested to see the tape so that he, Ike and Kyle could watch. Had I known my dad was going to deliver the tape, I would've done anything to stop him. We're talking anything here. I would've torn of my leg and beaten him with it until he reached a state of unconsciousness. Unfortunately, I wasn't given that opportunity. Ike Broflovski, once again called me on my obvious infatuation. I was horrified when my mother came into my room, telling me that Ike was on the phone.
"We watched the taped football game."
"You missed that hike."
"Yea, thanks for reminding me, you-"
"Kyle's butt again huh?"
I was seriously freaking out by then.
"No! I was spacing out. I didn't get any sleep. I-I.. don't look at asses that way... Well at least guys asses anyways."
I guess that was good enough for him, because he didn't pursue it anymore.
It's been a year and three months since that incident. I am more paranoid now than I ever was. I can't get caught, which is why I'm so sneaky. With all those close calls, I've at least taken a good three years off my life.
So now, as I'm walking behind him, I'm being extra cautious. There's no room for error here, so I must carefully-
"Stan? What the fuck?"
"Were you just looking at my ass?"
I keep silent and shake my head profusely.
"You were, weren't you?"
"What have I told you about checking out my ass-" He leans in to whisper in my ear. "In public places?"
"I know, it's just that-"
"You can't wait a few hours?"
"Well, it's your ass and-"
"Stan, as soon as we're out of school, it's all yours, but until then, you keep your fucking eyes off of it!"
About 50 percent of my arguments have something to do with my boyfriend's ass. The percentage is still growing.
Ehhh... sorry if you didn't like it. It's just that Kyle has a nice ass...