Written for the livejournal community iy-no-kakera.
"You're going to squish me again!" Myouga cried.
"Oh, I am not going to squish you."
Myouga eyed him doubtfully. "Promise?"
"Yes, yes, whatever."
"It appears you are pregnant, Inu no Taishou."
Inu no Taishou let this sink in for a few moments.
"Myouga, I am a man."
"Don't worry, don't worry, I'm sure there's some sort of half-assed explanation for this."
Inu no Taishou lifted an eyebrow expectantly.
"W-well… let's see here. Um…"
"See? There is no explanation."
"You didn't give me any time to think! All right, logically (if there can be any logic in a situation like this), the uke would be the one to-"
"What was that one for!"
"I didn't like what you were insinuating," Inu no Taishou said coolly.
"Well I was just saying-"
"Well stop saying."
Myouga huffed, but seemed to remember he was arguing with his primary food source. "W-well, okay, so if that's not how it happened… You know, there are certain types of frogs that, when in an environment that is predominantly one gender, will spontaneously change from female to male…"
"Myouga, I am not an amphibian!"
"Well, there's that."
Inu no Taishou groaned and massaged his temple. "This can't be happening to me."
The flea lapsed into silence. The dog lord 'hmph'ed and drummed his fingers against a wood surface, leaving claw marks on the nice finish.
"My lord – if I may ask – who is the father?"
Inu no Taishou slammed his hand down on the flea and snarled. "I'm the father!"
"Of course, of course, my apologies!" Myouga yelped, weaving drunkenly until he re-inflated. "Who's the… er… mother, then?"
"Hum…" he said, an uncertain look on his face. "Let's see… if it was a week ago… couldn't have been the bar's maid… or Ryuukossei's daughter… maybe it was Yuta? But, no, she's went out to the country for a holiday…"
Myouga tried to disguise his jealous look with one of general disgust and exasperation.
"So that just leave's that one girl… what was her name? Eriko or Atsuko or something. The one that lived down by the coastline."
"Coastline?" Myouga repeated, his eyebrows raising of their own volition.
"Yeah. Why? Is that important?"
"She wasn't a sea horse youkai by any chance, was she?"
"No, she told me see was the daughter of a noble woman and one of Japan's most powerful youkai warlords, a dragon by the name… the name of… Oh, fuck."
"Well," Myouga said, not feeling very sympathetic, "that's what got you in this mess in the first place."
"Yes," Toutousai said, "that certainly is a problem."
"Thanks," Inu no Taishou said, glaring. "Thanks. That helps ever so much."
"What are you planning on doing?" the sword smith asked, cocking his head as he stared at his old friend's midsection.
"Don't worry; I already have a solution." He pointed to his abdomen. "All right, hit me as hard as you can, right in the stomach."
Toutousai looked shocked for the first time since they had arrived, something that hadn't happened when he'd been told his male friend was carrying a fetus. This said a lot about his mental state. "What?"
"C'mon, don't hold back. In fact, use the hammer. That'll speed things along."
"You can't be purposing an abortion?" Toutousai, aghast.
"You can't be purposing I GIVE BIRTH!"
"My lord," Myouga spoke up, "you really want to get rid of your heir?"
"Well," he said, faltering slightly. "I DO want an heir… but I figured I'd just impregnate some woman and come collect him when he was old enough to use a sword."
"Oh, yes," Toutousai said without a hint of sarcasm. "You're going to make a wonderful father." Inu no Taishou shot him a withering glare. Toutousai hummed and cloud-gazed.
Almost immediately afterward, Inu no Taishou began to come down with the usual symptoms – morning sickness, swollen feet, strange and unusual cravings. He tried to comment to both Myouga and Toutousai that, though he did not know a whole lot about childbirth, it was very strange that these side effects would manifest themselves so early. Both Myouga and Toutousai patted him on the head condescendingly and told him not to worry his pretty little head; he was just a slave to his hormones, after all,
Inu no Taishou felt a little better after he beat the living snot out of them both, but the way they accepted everything that was happening as if it were an every day occurrence bothered him. Why was he the only one who seemed to realize how INSANE this entire situation was? They were acting funny. Funnier than usual, he meant, because they had always been a bit… well, insane.
He decided to lie down and not think about it in the morning.
One morning, after emptying his gut out in the bushes, the Inu no Taishou turned to Myouga and wheezed, "You realize this is physically impossible, right? Impossible."
"Well, yeah." The flea shrugged nonchalantly. "It's not like that matters."
Inu no Taishou moaned and returned to the bushes. "What did I ever do to deserve this!"
"Well..." Myouga began slowly. "There's all the the villages you destroyed to take over the west."
Inu no Taishou made a face. "They had it coming."
"I hope it claws through my stomach lining and bursts out through my chest," he said, grimacing. "It's preferable to the other ways I can think of."
"So," Myouga said one evening, "what are you going to name the baby?"
"Umm," Inu no Taishou said, frowning. "I guess... Inuyasha if it's a boy, Yashainu if it's a girl."
Myouga stared incredulously for several moments. "... Come again?"
"What's wrong with those names?" Inu no Taishou asked, a little perplexed.
"Those - and I say this with the utmost respect for you, my lord - are horrible names."
He glared. "I like those names!"
"They're horrid and unoriginal. Of course, most people call you Inutaishou, so I know creativity is not high among youkai, but really. It sounds like you made that up right now."
Inu no Taishou looked shiftily around.
"You did? Why don't you take an active interest in your child! Any woman I know would have had an entire life plan worked out by now."
"I'M NOT A DAMN WOMAN!"
"You sure whine like one," Myouga muttered under his breath, and was promptly smashed against the wall. Inu no Taishou had excellent hearing, after all.
"Coming up with names?" Toutousai said serenely, wandering into the room. Inu no Taishou huffed.
"I'll just... name it Sesshoumaru, or something. I don't really care-"
"Sesshoumaru?" Toutousai repeated. "Way to give a kid a complex."
Inu no Taishou left, swearing. Toutousai hollered at his back, "I hope you're better at naming weaponry!"
"Con-grat-u-la-tions," Toutousai sang out. "It's a boy."
"Kill me," Inu no Taishou muttered. "Kill me now."
"Oh, quit your complaining. It wasn't that bad."
"Wasn't that bad? I'm never touching a youkai woman again!"
"Hmm," Toutousai said, in a ha-yeah-right tone of voice. Inu no Taishou seethed.
"So, are you going to, uh... explain to him his parentage one day?" Myouga asked, scratching his chin. A sinister look alighted on Inu no Taishou's face.
"Oh yes. In excruciating detail. Just see if Sesshoumaru doesn't swear sex off for his entire life."
"Really," Toutousai said, shaking his head. "You might as well have named him Future-Therapist-Cash-Cow."