Author's Note: Welcome back, my dears. Here is the (long awaited?) sequel to "Dazed and Confused." I highly recommend that you read that story before you read this one, or a lot of things won't make sense, particularly Sousuke's thought process, lol. I have thoroughly dragged his psyche through the mud. For those of you who are up to speed, I have a couple quick warnings for you. 1) Updates will be sporadic. I am a college student now, and I've been doing a lot of international travel, so I really can't predict when I'll even have internet access, let alone time to plunk this story out. 2) The tone in this story will be very different from Dazed. I'll still try to keep things funny sometimes, but overall this story is going to be a lot more plot-oriented. I hope I don't disappoint, but please don't expect another Dazed and Confused... that's just not going to happen. 3) Kaname and Sousuke's relationship in this story is not going to be perfect. It's also not going to be glossed over much. So if complicated awkward romances are not your jazz, then look elsewhere. In any case, thank you all so much for your feedback on Dazed and Confused. I hope you enjoy this story as well, and please don't hesitate to let me know what you think, it really does make my day! Oh yeah, like it or not, this story will also be in Sousuke's POV. I tried Kaname's, and it just didn't do anything for me. Oh well. Thanks to Lakewood for betaing! Woo!
IDENTITY CRISIS
By Ariane
Chapter 1
"PADIDDLE!"
The car was a graduation gift from Kaname. I could also put it like this: the car was a graduation gift from my girlfriend.
I'm sorry, I just get such a kick out of that. Girlfriend.
Ahem. To be more specific, Kaname dragged me to the dealership and helped me pick it out, but I'm the one who actually paid for it. The gift, she said, was the reason to buy it. She said she noticed I was getting antsy. Her theory was that I was going through heavy machinery withdrawal, that I was so accustomed to 'parading about in a giant robot' that when I went long periods of time without similar activity I got restless. I wanted to buy a hummer, or a jeep, or a really big badass looking truck, but she said since I was going to be escorting her on dates in the car, she should get equal say in the selection. I'm not sure I buy that, but I admit that pushing 95 in my new silver BMW convertible is kind of fun. It's even more fun when I glance over to see my girlfriend laughing into the wind, her long hair flying out behind her.
I furrowed my brow, my eyes leaving the road for a second to eye Kaname curiously. "Pa... what?"
"Let's play!"
"Play?"
Kaname laughed again, trying in vain to keep her hair from flying into her face. "It's a game to play when you're driving... if you see a car with only one headlight, you yell 'padiddle!' and you try to yell it before anyone else in the car does."
That sounded like a stupid game, but whatever floats her boat. "So you win by spotting more damaged vehicles?"
"Win?" she said softly, leaning over to speak into my ear. She does that sometimes. I think because she must know it makes me... shudder. "Something like that."
Nice answer. Really nice. Definitely motivating.
"Roger," I said with newfound determination. When Kaname sat back in her seat, I started scanning the oncoming traffic very meticulously. It was just past 2 A.M., so there wasn't much traffic, and all of the cars I could see had both headlights. After at least ten minutes with no luck, I sighed and pulled my weapon out of the waistband of my pants.
As I took aim, Kaname grabbed my arm in alarm. "Sousuke! What are you doing? Put that away!"
I ignored her, squinting carefully and firing. I waited a second to make sure my shot connected with the target before loosening my grip on the wheel a bit in satisfaction.
"Padiddle."
Kaname growled, shaking her head. "That's not fair, you blew one of their lights out. I don't think that counts."
I shrugged. "You did not make that specification in your outline of the rules. It's too late to alter them now. I have one point and you have none. What do I win?"
Kaname's anger dissipated rather quickly, a sly look passing over her features. The next thing I knew, she was tossing her tank top into the back seat and stretching deliberately, basically forcing my attention to turn to her flawless and now scantily clad physique.
It seems she's always taking her clothes off when I'm around. I guess I just have that effect on her. I can't say part of me doesn't enjoy that, but...
"Kaname!" I croaked. "What are you doing? Are you aware we are in a moving vehicle?"
"I'm playing by the rules!" she replied with a smile. "When the other person says 'padiddle,' you need to take off a piece of clothing. This is a high stakes game, you know."
I didn't know that. But now I do. Maybe I should make further use of my glock...
I shook my head. "I... it is my opinion that you should put that back on... anyone could see you."
Part of me hated that idea. I still wasn't entirely comfortable with Kaname being this way when it was just us, and I didn't like the idea of any random driver getting one hell of an eyeful. On the other hand, part of me was just... having fun.
"Paddidle." Kaname purred, and I glanced up to see that she had indeed scored a point. Before I could start kicking off a shoe to hold up my end of the deal, Kaname was tugging at my shirt.
"I object," I said, starting to sweat a little. "I am trying to operate a vehicle at extremely high speeds and-"
But she persisted, leaning over farther to make her struggle easier. She was having a difficult time of it, but I stopped objecting after a little while because frankly it was just kind of nice to have her hands fumbling around my torso.
I should probably add that Kaname was extremely, extremely intoxicated.
It was about three weeks after the dance took place, two and a half weeks or so since I returned from my emergency mission. One of our classmates was having a late graduation party at his lake-house an hour outside of Tokyo. It was a lot easier to watch over Kaname these days. Since people found out that we were 'together,' the guys had been much less aggressive. That probably has something to do with the large amount of explosives they knew I always had on me, but I can't say for sure. Anyway, I was watching Kaname as carefully as ever, but I guess my alcohol scale is a little unusual. After all, I'm used to watching Kurz and Melissa drink, and they can handle just about anything. I hadn't expected Kaname to be so incredibly wasted after just a few beers, but before I knew it I had one sloshed woman on my hands.
Now, I had one sloshed woman trying to undress me while I sped down the highway at a speed far over the legal limit, playing some ridiculous game and... having fun.
Of course, it couldn't last. Fun for Sousuke never lasts. Kaname was practically in my lap now, still trying to remove my shirt, and kind of obscuring my vision. I tried to keep steady, but I started to swerve and was irritated, but not really surprised, when I heard sirens and saw flashing blue lights behind us.
I groaned as I pulled the car over. "Kaname, please put your shirt back on."
She had flung herself over the seat and had her feet in the air, rummaging around in the back looking for her shirt. "I can't find it," she laughed, "maybe it blew away."
She sat back with a plop, laughing uncontrollably now, her face a deep shade of red. I sighed, taking a turn to look in the back. I didn't see it anywhere either, maybe it did blow away. Well, no matter what highway games we played, I definitely didn't want some police officer oggling her. I sighed in resignation and pulled my shirt up over my head and handed it to her. "Put this on."
She laughed more, if that's possible, and attempted to comply. She got tangled in it though, her laughing and her impaired motor skills making it a much more difficult task than it should have been. She peered at me through the sleeve. "Your shirt smells like you!"
Funny thing, that. "Is that unusual?" I asked, reaching out to help her pull it over her head and pull her tangled hair out the back.
She cocked her head at me, smiling slightly. "I like it. You smell good." She scooted over and leaned her head on my shoulder.
Heh, I'd say the same for you, normally, but right now you just smell shit-faced.
I squinted when the police officer approached the car and shined a light in my face. "Well, well, well..." he drawled, turning the light to Kaname, who scowled at him. "What are you kids doing out so late, eh?"
Geez, isn't it obvious? I'm half-naked, and my baby's all liquored up.
"Driving home from a graduation party, sir," I answered politely.
"Driving 90 in a 65 zone..." the cop said, scratching his head. "Can I see your license and registration?"
I did some mental math as I reached into the glove department for the documents. Yeah... I was breaking the law... a bit. "Of course," I answered, handing it over.
He examined my license for a moment. "Wow, you've had your license for all of... 72 hours. Already the designated driver, huh?"
Kaname started cracking up at that. Her laughter soon turned to coughing. I frowned and rubbed her back, both wanting her to throw up so her system could get over this, and not really wanting her to throw up in the car. She recovered after a moment, sitting up and pointing a lazy thumb in my direction. "Sousuke and I are an item!" she declared.
"Is that so..." the cop raised an eyebrow, turning back to me. "So I suppose you were just doing the good boyfriend thing and rushing your girlfriend home after she got herself into a little trouble, eh?"
Why yes, yes that's exactly it. I nodded. "Sir,"I replied.
The cop shook his head. "Well, I don't like coming down on kids, but I can't really ignore 25 miles over the speed limit. I'm going to have to give you a ticket... and make sure you slow down, okay? I'd hate to see that cutie get hurt."
I glared, nodding curtly as he handed over the fine and my papers. I'd hate to see that cutie get hurt too, jackass. Don't act like you're doing me a favor when you're sizing up my girlfriend!
I have to admit that my new relationship has put me even more on edge than I was before. Before, everything was a threat to Kaname's safety. Now everything was a threat to Kaname's safety... and was also some kind of catalyst for ridiculous waves of jealousy, protectiveness, and often rage. I had always thought of Kaname as my responsibility, even when she technically wasn't. I was starting to get used to the fact that now... she actually was mine to look after. Suddenly, all of my feelings and all of my actions were just a little more justified.
Well, not all of them. But a lot of them. Hey, it's the principle of the thing.
I refrained from snapping at the officer. Getting into a tiff would only delay getting Kaname home, and I could see her starting to sway absently in the seat beside me. Besides, I had obedience to higher offices basically ingrained in my system. I probably couldn't have objected even if I'd wanted to.
Soon enough, I had a nice sum of money to pay, and we were back on the road again, this time five miles under the limit. We didn't spot any one-head-lighted cars for the rest of the trip.
"Okay... do you suspect you are finished?" I asked gently, holding Kaname's hair back with one hand and smoothing the sweat-dampened skin of her arm with the other.
Kaname groaned in response, slouching back against the bathtub. She looked up at me groggily, swallowing and then frowning at the rancid taste. I flushed the toilet, then I retrieved a washcloth and put some cool water on it, carefully wiping her face before ringing it out and flinging it over the faucet.
After getting her a glass of water from the kitchen and sitting with her while she finished it off, I set the glass aside and scooped her up, heading towards her room. "Rest would prove beneficial," I said softly.
When I reached her bed I was about to tuck her in, but she clung to my shoulders, her face pressed against my neck. "Sousuke?"
Her voice was so quiet and raspy, so unlike her usual loud, confident ways. I frowned and hummed in affirmative to show I was listening.
"Why are you doing this?" she whispered, her breath puffing against my pulse.
"Doing what?" I asked, placing her gently on the bed and pulling the sheets out from under her legs to tuck them snuggly around her. I paused for a moment. It occurred to me that I'd never tucked anyone in before. Months, even weeks, ago, such a simple task might have eluded me. I would have wondered if you need some special training, if there's some security trick, if there are nuanced folds and necessary steps I would miss.
My love for Kaname makes a lot of things complicated, but it also makes some things so simple. Things like tucking her in. Needless, baseless, causeless, flagrant things that you do because you just love someone. There's no reason or method. You just do it. It's so easy.
It's so damn fulfilling.
Kaname closed her eyes, and I studied her face carefully in the shafts of moonlight filtering in through the blinds. She turned her head to rest her cheek against the soft fabric, huddling down in the blankets. Her voice was so quiet that I had to lean down a little to hear.
"No one ever takes care of me."
It hurt to swallow, my eyebrows knitting in the darkness as I looked down at her. That was a thought that occurred to me many times, and one that I never liked to dwell on for long. She had no mother. Her father was never around. She didn't have any other family nearby. She had a few close friends, but they had their own problems, their own lives to worry about. Kaname had it even worse. Her abilities meant she had more danger to concern herself with than anyone should. Even the military organization that made it their duty to protect her was doing a terrible job, and frankly most of them don't really care what happens to her at all. She's just an asset to them. I know that. She's just collateral. It really disturbed me that I was standing right next to arguably the most fantastic woman in the world, and she was facing all this alone. It didn't seem right, it didn't seem fair.
Obviously, I'm the arbiter of righteousness and justice.
Times, they are a'changin', darlin'.
I carefully tucked her hair behind her ears and then stepped away from the bed.
There are a lot of things you have to worry about, but I'm not one of them.
I slouched down in an armchair across from her bed, resting my chin on my fist.
There are things you do just because. You do them because that's just the right thing to do. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to watch your back and keep you safe, and I'm going to step in where everyone else backed out. That will be my new mission. And I am always awfully zealous about my missions.
"Okay, ummm..." Kaname furrowed her brows, running her fingers through her hair in thought. "Why don't you just... forget you have a tongue for a little while, okay?"
I squinted at her seated next to me on the couch in her living room. When she had sufficiently recovered from her monster of a hangover, she sent me for take-out and a movie, which was now going ignored in the background as she tried, seemingly in vain, to teach me how to kiss. "Forget tongue," I nodded firmly, ingraining the directions in my head.
"Right, we'll get to that later," she smiled encouragingly and patted my knee. "I think the main thing here is to be gentle." I could tell that this was all making her very flustered, so I was doing my best not to get embarrassed or nervous and scare her out of sharing her wisdom. Kissing was an area in which I would willingly admit I had no idea what was going on.
She scooted closer to me on the couch, and took my hands gently in hers. Laughter in her eyes – thank god she has a sense of humor – she looked at me straight and asked, "Are you ready?"
"Affirmative."
She started to lean closer to me, and I immediately tensed up. Okay, remember the directions… my tongue does not exist, breathe through nose, do not attempt anything related to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, don't… I started to panic as her lips almost touched mine. Do I close my eyes now? Or wait? How long to I wait? Do I close them and then open them? I can't remember.
I snatched my hands out of hers, placed them firmly on her shoulders, and pushed her to a safer distance away from me. Her head snapped back and she frowned in bewilderment. "Sousuke!"
"My apologies, Kaname. I cannot recall at what point I am expected to close my eyes."
She sighed and shook her head, presenting an unusual display of patience. Actually, she had been very helpful and well-tempered in regards to almost our entire relationship thus far.
"That's your choice... you just... do what you feel like doing. If you feel like keeping them open, then keep them open... if you want to close them, then close them."
There are way too many potential variables in this scenario. There are literally hundreds, no, thousands, of combinations, meaning that there are hundreds, no, thousands of different ways to kiss Kaname, which-
...is sounding pretty good right about now...
Kaname interrupted my thought process when she touched her lips lightly to mine, her eyes gently closed, her hands reclaiming mine. I took a mental deep breath and willed myself to relax my muscles a little.
Okay... eyes open or closed?
It's always preferable to have a visual on the situation. Why would anyone choose to close their eyes? That seemed foolish to me. However, with my eyes open, I found myself surveying the room for possible threats. The door to the kitchen was open slightly, one of the windows was ajar, technically, if someone picked the lock or had explosives the front door could be easily breached...
I shut my eyes immediately. I had already secured the area before we started the movie. I had Kaname kissing me; there were more important things to think about than security.
I am not going to take the time to analyze my sudden change of priorities.
With my eyes closed, the situation was totally different. It was easier for my mind not to wander, and I could focus more on the soft press of Kaname's warm lips to mine. It really was a very pleasant sensation. She wasn't really moving her lips, just keeping them still and sweet. The connection felt so delicate, a sensation I was completely unaccustomed to. It seemed like the tiniest disturbance would break it.
By the time she pulled back, there was a fierce tugging feeling inside my chest, and the only thing I could think of to do was to continue the contact. I leaned forward immediately, meeting our lips again. The press of my own mouth was a little clumsy at first, but, after a second, things smoothed out. Her hands slid out of mine to cup my jaw, and my hands rested lightly on her waist.
After a few moments Kaname's lips started to move slowly, softly, against mine. I was frozen and something twisted in the bottom of my stomach, all of my senses tuned to the small area where we were touching. Her tongue slid over my lips and I opened them in response, but after a couple of seconds she pulled away, laughing.
I really must have missed something, as I had the feeling kissing was not intended to be a comical activity. She tried to calm herself down as she pulled her sleeve down over the heel of her palm and wiped the corners of her mouth. "Oh Sousuke," she sighed, "you don't want to open your mouth quite so wide..."
I hadn't even realized that I had. How could she be so conscious of those details when I was so distracted by all the heat... her hands... her tongue... and-
"You only need to open it a little bit, or things get really messy," she explained. I guess that was why she needed to employ her sleeve. I glanced down sheepishly. I had always thought kissing would be simpler and easier than this.
"Don't get discouraged," she said. "Practice makes perfect, right?"
Practice... mm...
When she recovered from her amusement, she straightened up again, but just as our lips were about to meet, she stuck to fingers between us. "Swallow," she said seriously.
I blinked but obeyed as she did the same, then she replaced her fingers with her lips, but just as our mouths started to mold against each other, she pulled back quickly, a troubled expression on her face.
"Kaname?" I asked immediately, confused and nervous about the unreadable look in her eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"
She said nothing for a long time, looking at me cautiously like I had three heads. I blinked at her, and when I reached out a hand to touch her arm she recoiled abruptly, her eyes darting down to my hand just inches from her skin.
"Kaname?"
Her eyes didn't move from my hand, wide and suspicious.
After a second she rolled her eyes in annoyance and whispered "Yes, I do."
"You do what?" I asked gently, moving a little closer to her on the couch.
She looked up at me and blinked, her eyes returning to a normal size and she smirked at me as if nothing happened. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
I raised an eyebrow. "You just said something, but I'm sorry, I didn't understand."
She glared at me. "I didn't say anything, Sousuke. You should get that checked out." Her words were firm and forced though, and I knew she was trying to convince me more than tell me the truth.
"No," I shook my head, "I am fairly sure that you said something."
"No, I didn't," she said again. She moved to get up from the couch, but sat back down quickly, a hand to her stomach, her breathing labored. "Whoa, I'm not feeling too well."
I moved up right next to her and put a hand to her forehead, frowning in concern. "Are you ill? How long have you felt this way?"
Her skin was cool to the touch though, and she wasn't pale or flushed.
She brushed my hand away, leaning back against the cushions. "I'm fine, probably the Chinese food didn't agree with me. And I'm still tired from last night; I should just get some rest."
I squinted at her, unconvinced. Kaname was all too prone to take bad care of herself, and that's something I wouldn't stand for. "Tomorrow I will take you to a doctor."
"Oh no," she said quickly. "No doctors. Seriously Sousuke, I just need to relax. Don't worry about it."
"I always worry," I said "That will not change simply because you have unwarranted confidence about your health."
A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, which was far preferable to the awkward and forced denial of before. She glanced at the clock. It was only 11:30, but she yawned hugely. Was that a real yawn?
She looked at me apologetically. "Sorry hot stuff, but we better call it a night."
I ignored her attempt at distracting me with her casual, cheesy pet names. Still, she probably could use some rest, and I knew Kaname well enough to know that nothing short of physically forcing her from the premises would get her to change her mind.
Hm...
I decided to let it slide. If I got into a big struggle with her every time she decided to be stubborn, I had a feeling things wouldn't work out.
Still suspicious, I nodded skeptically and stood up, reaching down to help her to her feet. Once standing, she wobbled slightly and I steadied her with my hands on her shoulders, before wrapping her gently in my arms in leaning my cheek to her hair.
This wasn't the first time this had happened to Kaname. Ever since I'd come back from my mission she'd been kind of... quirky. She seemed distracted at odd times, jumpy, or just not quite right. She always just shrugged it off, giving one excuse or another. This was the first time she... talked to herself, though. I rubbed her back gently when she shuddered, frowning in concern. What if I weren't here? Would she just ignore it? Would no one else notice? Why wasn't she more concerned? I mentally decided that if things didn't look up in a week, I would make sure she saw a doctor. Maybe it was just everything getting the best of her... a lot had changed in the past few weeks, after all. Besides, she might just be feeling the after effects of spending the previous night emptying her stomach.
"Are you positive you don't need any further assistance?" I probed.
"Yeah..." she nodded against my chest. "I'm just... tired."
I cleared my throat. "Excuse me for not entirely believing you."
She took a deep breath, then pulled back so she could look me in the eye and laugh. "Hey, if I need you, you're just a zip line and a few karabiners away, right?"
Hey, the girl had me pegged.
"Affirmative," I smiled gently and kissed her forehead. "Please get sufficient rest, and do not hesitate to contact me if you need anything. I have my cell phone, also the land line, also remember the light communication system we worked out for-"
"One if by land, two if by sea, got it," Kaname nodded, pushing me towards the door. "Don't worry, if I start growing extra limbs I'll let you know."
When we reached the door way, she kissed my cheek and started to close the door. "The movie-" I started, but she cut me off.
"We can return it tomorrow," she said.
"But-"
"Goodnight Sousuke!"
Then the door was closed in my face.
I had half the mind to march back in there. I really didn't like the idea of Kaname being alone. What if she got sick again? I had my fist raised to knock, but I stopped, sighed, and turned around. She deserved her privacy, and she was not a child. I would make sure to be alert in case she contacted me, and I would check on her first thing in the morning.
As I walked back to my apartment, my head was filled with every kind of troubling thought. Was Kaname experiencing some kind of post traumatic stress symptoms? I imagined it would be disturbing to see a personal cloaking device torn from the flesh of your mask-wearing guidance counselor.
That seemed unlikely, however. Kaname had been captured before and experimented on. She had seen people killed, buildings blown up, and submarines hijacked by lunatics. She had always been eerily well composed before.
Of course, she was bound to crack one of these days. She was only a civilian, after all. I knew that if I hadn't long ago learned to compartmentalize my life, I'd be a walking nutcase. You just can't carry that stuff around with you all the time.
I would just have to come up with some way of helping her. What troubled me most was thinking about this happening to her when I wasn't around. I could easily have been on a mission when this happened, and-
Okay, big guy, take a deep breath.
She has lived alone for years. She is an adult now. She is capable of being independent.
I sighed as I entered my apartment, flopping down at the kitchen table and running a hand through my hair. Still, the entire situation had me really high strung. It was one thing when she was being attacked by thugs or some other opposition easily disposed of using explosives and a nice garrote. But when it was something I couldn't see or rip limb from limb... it just... well, it really pissed me off.
I was about to type up the day's report when I noticed flashing lights and ran to the window. Kaname was signaling? That must mean that she had lost both cellular and regular telephone service and was in trouble. My heart racing, my eyes flicked from window to window until I saw her, poised by her bedroom window.
She was smiling softly, one hand on her bedroom light switch. She had PJs on and didn't appear to be upset, injured, or alarmed. She waved.
I let out the breath I was holding and waved back, leaning on the wall beside me.
She flashed the light several times like we practiced, signaling the letters for "goodnight."
I shook my head slightly. Abusing emergency military code for frivolous reasons?
I flashed back "I love you."
Yeah well...
Her smile grew, and she blushed. She moved closer to the window, exhaling until it fogged. Then with her index finger, she traced a heart. In a moment the lights in her apartment turned off.
I stood by my window, watching by the lights on her balcony as the foggy heart faded from the glass.