Disclaimer: I own myself, being the author of course, all of the kindergartners, the teacher, and the idiots of Stormy Island. I do not own Sonic, Shadow, Eggman, or Tails.
It was a dark and stormy night…
Well, year actually, which was pretty crappy for the animals of Stormy Island. But, if you count the fact that they were on an island called Stormy Island, I suppose it just means that the animals inhabiting that island were either used to it, or too stupid to know why it was raining all the time. Either way, they were attacked by (screeches and horrified wails) SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!
"Damn it!" Shadow shouted. "Why can't it be Eggman or someone like that? Why's it gotta be me!"
"Because!" the author screamed, hitting the annoyed hedgehog with a lightning bolt. "Hmm…Well, Shadow's dead, so I guess I'm going to have to use Eggman…Crap!"
Okay, so back to the story…
Whether or not the animals of Stormy Island were stupid or just used to the rain, they were attacked by (screeches and horrified wails) DR. EGGMAN!
The lard-filled doctor, who only earned his degree by stealing it from someone in his senior year of middle school, terrorized the animals of Stormy Island. And I mean terrorized. He forced his robots to set up strip malls, only to anger horny males once they learned that there was no stripping at a strip mall. He pissed the females off by only having the strip mall open during soccer games and other important events that involved taking their bratty children somewhere.
Yep, that Eggman thought up some pretty crappy stuff for them, all right…
Those animals HATED him worse than the rain, even the stupid ones were smart enough to hate Eggman more. They plotted a revolt, and it was a pretty good one, too. Amazingly, it made sense. It was logical, well thought out, a sure-fire winner. There was no way they'd lose if they revolted!
…Then an idiot ruined it.
He stood up, an amazingly well-dressed fox. He wore a black tuxedo and pressed-to-perfection pinstripe pants. His top hat was perfectly straightened atop well-styled hair. Yes, this fox was a brilliant sight indeed. One would never have taken him for an imbecile.
…Especially since he was one…
"I," he began, throwing and exclamatory finger in the air to emphasize his foolish point, "do NOT think that this plan will work. It is too well thought out. Too well planned. And too brilliant for words." He jumped onto a table and sneered at his fellow Stormy Island natives. "That being said, I believe that we should wait for the only person who has ever defeated this egg-shaped menace." He began to pace across the table, back and forth, stepping in the animals' food and knocking over their drinks. "We!" he exclaimed, then trailed off, forgetting what he was talking about. He grinned to hide the fact that he was an incompetent idiot who had his son do everything. Suddenly he remembered when he caught sight of a baby hedgehog. "We should wait for SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!"
"Yes! High score!"
"Dang it, Sonic! That's the third time in a row you've beaten me!" The young fox dropped his controller to the ground. "I created this game, for God's sake!"
Sonic smirked at him. "I'm better than you-oo! I'm better than you-oo!" he taunted. As Tails prepared to attack, Sonic's ears twitched. "What ho? Some well-dressed idiot just called my name from afar? I must go asunder!"
"Wait!" Tails shouted. "5 outta nine!"
Sonic grinned, completely forgetting about the voice in his haste to play video games against his genius friend.
Back on Stormy Island…
"Yes!" a young woman agreed, holding her baby hedgehog into the air as one holds up…um...something in a triumphant manner!
Soon, the whole place was in an uproar of agreement. Why should they go with a perfectly thought out plan when their hero would soon be coming? Why should they do something foolproof just to wait for someone who was more interested in video games? They certainly didn't know, as stupid as they were to listen to an idiot because of his being well-dressed.
So they waited…
Until one day, their savior came! Oh, wait…That was just Shadow again…Nevermind.
So they waited…
Until Eggman got tired of them, and blew the island up. There were no survivors except a top hat which blew to a far off land to bring a snowman to life.
"And the moral of the story, children," the author said as she stared at the crying kindergartners around her, sitting on their nap-time mats, "is that behind every good man there is a good woman. And behind that woman is another man looking at her ass." She closed her book and smiled.
A little kindergartner, Kerri-Anne, waved her hand wildly. "Miss author lady!" she cried.
The author, looked over to her blankly, not understanding the point of raising her hand since no one at her high school ever raised their hands in class.
Kerri-Anne began waving her hand faster and harder.
The author still didn't understand. That is, until the kindergarten teacher, a sweet young woman who had a rap sheet a mile long, whispered in her ear. The author let out a shocked gasp. "MANNERS! You're teaching these kids about manners? What the heck, lady? You don't even have manners, you and your drug use!"
The teacher smacked her. "You see children? This is what happens when you don't have manners. You get smacked and shoved in the closet."
All the little boys and girls nodded. They knew all about the closet.
The author rubbed the red mark on her face. "Just go and get a drink, teach. I won't tell a soul you slapped me."
The teacher beamed at her, then ran out to her pimp's house to get some good vodka and some weed.
The author stuck her tongue out at her retreating back. "Do any of you little jerk-offs got a cell phone? I need to call 9-1-1 and get the cops on her ass." No one did. "Then you're all useless!" she shouted.
Finally, the author turned to Kerri-Anne, who was still waving her hand in the air. "Whaddya want? Speak, bitch, speak!"
"Why didn't Sonic save the peoples of Stormy Island?" she asked, eyes wide.
"Because he was too damn busy kickin' Tails' ass at a video game. DUH!"
The girl bust into tears and ran from the room.
The author looked around her. "Any more questions?"
No one had any questions.
"Good! Now, let's go to visit the ruins of Stormy Island!" she exclaimed, and they piled into the Magic School Bus and took off into the Great Big Book of Everything…
A/N: Yes, it made no sense. Yes, it was stupid as all fuck. Yes, you were entertained. Admit it! ADMIT IT, I SAY!