A/N Firstly I am sorry Loony that it took me soooo long to work on this challenge. And let me tell you, this challenge is definitely one of the hardest I've ever done. It's crazy and definitely odd lol. I've had a lot of fun writing this and I hope everyone, especially Loony, likes this one-shot ficlet based on a lovely challenge issued from Loony! Woot! Anyway the challenge was:
This must be a one shot and it must include:
Snape in a silky black negligee
1 scary gynecologist
A rock concert featuring System of a Down
A group of sassy cheerleaders
A lorry full of Bacardi Breezer
1 Burmese Python
Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean
Ali G brandishing a sword
1 roast peacock
A competition to see who can eat the most of dry Ryvita biscuits (Rye bread) in 10 minutes
Sirius with a handbag
Mad Eye Moody obsessed with Versace
Ron and another character playing a game of War Hammer (If you don't know what it is then you can replace it with another similar game)
Hermione sending dirty text messages
An extremely annoying Mary Sue
A buffet of moldy chicken nuggets and breathe mints (others if you want to continue)
The quote "We are the Knights who say Ni" from Monty Python and The Holy Grail
A prison scene
And a group of meditating recycling operatives
Now on with my story. I do accept challenges, and sometimes they take me awhile to do since I'm very busy with life, and also my other story Letters to Snape, which everyone should check out! So please feel free to send in some challenges, or you can request a certain fic. I only refuse to write Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione I don't care much for cannon pairings! Ok now I am gonna start the story lol.
Warning I don't anything you recognize in this story such as Captain Jack Sparrow, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Ali G, or any Harry Potter characters. But I assure you this plot is all mine!
A Day in the Life of Harry Potter
Voldemort was prancing around the prison cell in his ruby red stilettos and matching thong and bra set wondering what to do with his prison companion. Yes, he had his wand snapped, and was now being held in Azkaban. The war had only been over for a week, but Voldemort couldn't care less. In the end he got what he wanted. He got some alone time with Severus Snape who happened to be wearing a black negligee at the time.
"Dearest Severus, what shall I do with you? Should I have my wicked way with you now, or shall I tease and torture you first?" Voldemort purred into Severus' ear.
Severus shuddered, and with good reason too. A randy Voldemort was definitely the most disgusting thing in the entire world. Honestly he knew he was only stuck in the cell because he had betrayed Dumbledore. It probably wouldn't have happened like this if Dumbledore hadn't been able to resurrect himself. Snape blamed it on the fact that Dumbledore had watched Lord of the Rings way too many times and believed himself to be Gandalf. He calls his former self Dumbledore the Gray, and now he calls himself Dumbledore the White. Its quite odd in fact. Anyway back to the scene at hand.
"Well, Voldy I would not like for you to touch me at all! Why would the guards let you tie me up and dress me in this atrocious outfit that makes my thighs look fat! Please just let them avada me and get it over with!" Snape whined and cried.
Voldemort just looked at his soon to be victim and said "Dearest Snape, you are going to be in this cell with me a long time you better get used to it!"
Suddenly Harry woke up from the terrifying nightmare screaming. Hermione came running into his room to see what was wrong.
"Harry, what is wrong with you! Was it another nightmare? Honestly both Snape and Voldemort are dead. Did you forget to take your dreamless sleep potion again?" Hermione rambled.
"Yes, and trust me if I want to keep my sanity I won't forget again. It was absolutely horrifying. Hey what are you doing with a cell phone?" Harry asked looking a bit bewildered.
"None of your business!" Hermione answered quickly before blushing.
"Just let me see it." Harry said grabbing the phone away from her.
"No Harry!" Hermione screeched trying to take the phone back from Harry, and failing miserably.
"Whoa Hermione what is all this? You are gonna do what to his…nevermind…that is just way too disturbing. Especially considering the fact you are dating Seamus." Harry said looking a bit on the green side.
"Oh shut up Harry. How else do you think we are able to have such a good relationship when he has to go on business trips?" Hermione asked smartly.
"I simply say I don't wish to know." Harry replied.
"Fine, I'm going to go make some breakfast. Why don't you go wake Ron up?" Hermione asked.
"But I bet you he isn't asleep. He hasn't slept in about a week. He has been so addicted to that stupid muggle game War Hammer. He and Luna play it constantly." Harry stated.
"Yes I know that Harry but at least it's something they do together. Not every couple can have a hobby like that together." Hermione said in her bossy tone.
"Are you insinuating that Draco and I don't have hobbies together?" Harry asked.
"No, I'm sure your sex life is spectacular but it just seems all you do is go out to eat at that dumb restaurant or shag." Hermione clarified.
"Hey one time he made dinner. That roasted peacock was fantastic. And we have gone to the supermarket together a few times. And what about the time we tried that horrible buffet that only had moldy chicken nuggets and breath mints? Don't those things count?" Harry asked.
"Not really Harry but good try!" Hermione exclaimed leaving the room.
As soon as Hermione had the door closed Harry sighed and began to pull on some clothes. Harry kept pondering his relationship with Draco as he made his way to Ron and Luna's rooms. As he neared their rooms he kept hearing what sounded like cheering. Of course this puzzled the poor boy-who-lived. Harry entered the room to find two cheerleading squads. The first squad was in Gryffindor colors so they were obviously Ron's cheerleaders. The second squad was in Ravenclaw colors hinting towards the fact that they were rooting for Luna.
"What in the bloody hell is going on?" Harry asked with confusion etched on his face.
"Oh hey Harry. We thought the cheerleaders would make the game a bit livelier." Luna said in her usual dreamy tone.
"Right…this is rather odd." Harry mumbled.
"OMG girls this guy is like totally like stupid!" Said one of the cheerleaders.
"Hey! That's not very nice." Exclaimed Harry.
"Like we really care, we are way too hot to be nice. LOSER!" Shouted one of the cheerleaders and held her fingers in an 'L' position on her forehead.
"Oh dear it seems we've made them a bit too sassy Ron." Luna said.
"Yes, but this is kind of funny to watch Harry get called a loser." Ron said trying to not laugh out right.
"RONALD!" Luna and Harry shouted at once.
"Sheesh, ok I'll get rid of them." Ron said before picking up his wand and making the cheerleaders disappear.
"Ok you guys happy now?" Ron asked looking like a baby whose lollypop was just taken away from him.
"Yeah actually I am. Anyway I really just came in here to tell you Hermione is making breakfast and wants you guys to come down. You know it's been a week since you've left the room to eat…or do anything else." Harry said.
"Yes, we will be there. I must return her hammer anyway. I borrowed it to get rid of the garfynarbles." Luna replied.
"Do I even want to know what a garfynarble is?" Harry asked Ron.
"Not really mate." Ron said smiling.
Harry simply nodded and walked out of their room. He decided he would also invite Sirius to breakfast. As he made his way to Sirius' room, he couldn't help but realize how odd it was for them all to live in Grimmauld Place together like they did. But he shrugged and thought 'to hell with it'. He got to Sirius' room and knocked on the door and walked in. Mad Eye Moody was in Sirius's room as well. It seemed as if they were having a debate over whose handbags were cuter, Versace or Luis Vuitton. Of course Mad Eye believed Versace was much better because, well he developed a deep fascination, or rather an addiction to Versace clothing and accessories. While Sirius loved to collect Luis Vuitton hand bags. Harry was beginning to think everyone he knew had gone mad.
"Um Sirius, Mad Eye, Hermione is making breakfast and wonders if you would like to come down to eat." Harry stated.
"Sure Harry, let me grab my handbag and we can go down." Sirius said cheerfully.
"Yes, Potter I would love some breakfast. Now do tell your dolt of a godfather that Versace is better than Vuitton." Moody growled.
"I'm just going to stay out of this one. I will see you both downstairs." Harry said as he backed out of the room slowly.
Harry finally made it downstairs. Hermione had finished breakfast and was laying the meal out on the table. Ron and Luna were already there. Luna had decided to also bring her Burmese python named Randy to the table too for some odd reason. Soon Mad Eye and Sirius were at the table as well. They were both still arguing.
Then suddenly Sirius had an idea, "Ok, I know how to settle this. Which ever one of us who eats the most ryvita biscuits in ten minutes wins the debate!"
"Ha, I'll take that challenge." Moody exclaimed.
Ten minutes later Sirius sat victorious. Both had stomach aches but Sirius could care less for he had won. Mad Eye was bitter because Sirius had a bigger appetite. Harry was just happy it was over. It was quite sad seeing two grown men fighting over which muggle designer was better. Not to mention they had eaten all the ryvita biscuits. Hermione didn't seem to really notice as she was still texting Seamus about Merlin knows what. He still couldn't believe the naughty text messages he had read on her phone. He shuddered at the thought. He wasn't lost in his thoughts for long before Ginny ran in through the kitchen door crying and looking for a place to hide.
"What happened Ginny?" Harry asked in a panic filled voice.
"It's Neville, he is trying to force me to go to my gynecologist." Ginny answered.
"Um, why would that be a problem?" Harry asked bewildered.
"Well, you would be scared too if your gynecologist happened to be Dumbledore, who has gotten out of his Lord of the Rings phase and now thinks he is Napoleon Dynamite! It's absolutely scary!" Ginny cried.
"Well I can see your point…haven't you ever thought of getting a less frightening gynecologist?" Harry asked.
"Well, I don't have the money for a regular one, and Dumbledore has a free practice." Ginny said blushing.
"Ah, I see. Well I suggest you go hide in Draco's room, no one is in there right now." Harry whispered as he heard Neville enter the house yelling for Ginny.
"Thanks Harry!" Ginny exclaimed hugging Harry quickly and dashing up the stairs.
Harry just nodded and sat back down. Soon Neville walked into the kitchen. Harry just looked at the round faced man and wondered if this day was going to just keep getting weird. Then he realized of course it would.
"Harry, have you seen Ginny? She is late for her gynecologist appointment." Neville asked exasperated.
"No I haven't, I'm sorry." Harry replied nervously.
"This wouldn't be as difficult if I had remembered to get her a lorry full of Bacardi breezer before hand. If she is smashed it is much easier to get her to her appointment." Neville mumbled.
Harry just nodded. And listened as Neville continued to randomly mumble about Ginny and the like. Harry thought he would go insane so he just decided to tell Neville where Ginny was hiding and where Hermione keeps the Bacardi.
"Neville, Gin is hiding in Draco's room. Hermione keeps the Bacardi in the pantry." Harry droned.
"Thanks Harry!" Neville exclaimed looking much happier.
Soon Neville was on his way to get his wife to her gynecologist appointment. Harry thought he would now have a moment or two to relax. But as fate would have it, something else just had to happen. All of a sudden Captain Jack Sparrow appeared in the kitchen in front of Hermione.
"Oh dear, I seem to have come to the wrong place. I was looking for Tortuga! Well to be more precise I was looking for a boat. By the way I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, love." Jack said while looking around the room.
"Well we have no boats here, I'm quite sorry Captain." Hermione replied.
"Well hello there. Aren't you a lovely lass." Jack purred as he waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Hermione.
"How dare you!" Hermione exclaimed and smacked Jack.
"I am not sure I deserved that." Jack mumbled to Harry.
"Right." Harry conceded.
"Well I guess I'll be off. I'm sorry lass, it never would have worked out." Jack said before apparating out.
Harry decided that he had, had enough for one day and decided to head back up to his room. He made the trip up the steps and took the corridor to his room. He was about to open his door when he heard an odd noise coming from one of the spare rooms. Harry hesitantly made his way towards the odd noise. As you can imagine Harry was really weary of what he could find. He slowly opened the door to the room and he slowly walked in. And what he saw was a girl playing a guitar. She had waist length black hair, and eyes just like his own.
"Hiya Harry! OMG I'm so glad to finally meet you. I'm your sister but also Sirius's daughter. I'm a very powerful magical creature that will be useful in war against Voldemort. Also I make every boy at Hogwarts fall in love with me. I'm an animagus, metamorphagus, and I can do wandless magic. I'm also way smarter than Hermione!" chattered the odd girl still strumming on the guitar.
"Not another Mary Sue!" Harry shrieked before running from the room and putting a heavy locking charm on the door.
Harry breathed in a sigh of relief and leaned against the wall trying to stop his fast beating heart. That's when Harry felt a hand touch his shoulder. Harry again shrieked, sounding very girly. Harry Jumped and turned towards where the hand came from. Harry saw that the hand belonged to Draco.
"Wow, jumpy much Potter?" Draco asked with a smirk.
"You would be too if you had encountered another Mary Sue. They are not only annoying but quite scary." Harry stated.
"You have a point there hot stuff." Draco drawled.
"So what are you doing home so early?" Harry asked curiously.
"Well I've come home to bring you a gift." Draco replied slyly.
"And what would that be?" Harry asked smiling like an idiot.
"I got us tickets to go to the System of a Down concert tonight!" Draco exclaimed.
"YES! I so can't wait! And Flyleaf is going to open for them too. This is an amazing gift." Harry rambled excitedly before pulling Draco into an embrace.
"Yes, it wasn't easy to get them either. I won them off the Wizarding Wireless Radio show." Draco said haughtily.
"What did you have to do to get them?" Harry asked.
"Well…I had to get through a maze of meditating recycling operatives. They sure don't like it when you disturb them. They started shouting at me and chasing me. They kept yelling "We are the knights who say Ni!" It was insane. Then I had to fight against that muggle entertainer Ali G, who had a sword. I wasn't aloud to use my wand. All I had was a sword. Let me tell you, that guy is barking mad." Draco said with a shudder.
"It's a good thing the concert is way worth it then." Harry conceded.
"I agree with you Potter. Now what kind of repayment do I get for such a great gift?" Draco asked in a suggestive manner.
Before Harry could answer they saw Hermione holding Seamus by the hand running up the stairs to their room. And they ran in the room and slammed the door. Then the sounds came out before Hermione remembered to cast the 'silencio' charm. Harry raised an eyebrow and laughed thinking about those text messages the couple were sending back and forth.
"I suggest we do what they are doing!" Harry exclaimed.
"I could get into that." Draco said smiling.
The two walked arm in arm to Harry's room.
A/N Definitly not my best. I didn't expect the slashiness between Draco and Harry it just kind of came out. Though I tried to just hint around stuff. I hope everyone had a good laugh. Thanks for reading, now please review!
Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen