EDITED: 101606

Author's Notes: This was meant to be a serious fic, but… well, as Cap'n Jack Sparrow would say, "I couldn't resist, mate."

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.



The Birds and the Bees



It all started with one simple question, really. Actually, it all started when I, the great Rau Le Creuset, decided to keep the innocent-looking child that looked a lot like me as some sort of adopted son in the most twisted sense, but that was too far back. So, I decided to put the blame on the damned question.

The day had started out average enough, as far as average days go. I took my pills (if I didn't know better, I'd say they were just placebo pills -- trust Gilbert to make fun of me like that), taught Rey a piece by some fellow named Tchaikovsky, called Gilbert to gloat about having won our chess tourney yesterday, ate lunch with Rey, and then…

The food was mouth-watering, but it tasted like dry cardboard when Rey suddenly opened that mouth of his.

"Rau… where do babies come from?"

I almost fell out of my chair at that. But of course I did not since I am always composed. Rau Le Creuset does not fall off of chairs. Rau Le Creuset may be psychotic most of the time, but Rau Le Creuset does not make a fool of himself. And Rau Le Creuset has got to stop referring to himself in the third person.

Ahem. I have a tendency to digress. Much like what I am doing now.

Anyway, going back to the problem at hand, of all the questions that that demon-spawned child (literally speaking) had to ask, it had to be -that- one. How the hell was I supposed to answer that one? Of course, I could always sneer and tell him the truth.

"Babies are made when a man and woman have sex. And by 'sex', I do not mean 'gender'. 'Sex' means (censored) and (censored) that (censored) then (censored)."

I gave my mind a mental shake. That explanation certainly was not acceptable. I would very much appreciate it if that innocent, child-like expression on Rey's face could remain etched there forever, thank you very much. It's fun seeing him look like that. Not because he looks so fucking funny -- pardon the language. That's an incentive, I guess. Some other explanation would have to do.

But what? The dumb story of the stork?

I almost snorted out loud at the thought. Innocent as he may look, Rey was not an idiot. I know that because if Rey was an idiot, then what does that say about me?

And speaking of Rey, or rather, thinking of him, the child tilted his head to the side and continued to regard me with those big blue eyes of his. Still waiting patiently for the answer, it would seem.

"Rau?" he echoed, making sure that I heard his question.

I sighed, seeing no escape in sight. Too bad Gilbert wasn't here to lend some words of wisdom. I imagine he and Talia know perfectly well how to make babies... They do it all the freakin' time! And I'm sure Gilbert could even offer some interesting, but perverted, trivias. Er... I did -not- just envision that!

"Well, Rey," I said slowly, stalling for time. Until when? Until the child got bored and realized his guardian was an idiot? Not bloody likely. I tapped a finger on my chin thoughtfully, as if in deep thought.

And in fact, I was.

Thinking deep thoughts, that is.

And thinking deep thoughts is bad. Whenever I think of deep thoughts, I end up feeling genocidal and psychotic. But instead of feeling genocidal and psychotic, I felt my blood run cold. Sooner or later, Rey would be asking questions like 'where did I come from?' That was something that Rey did not need to hear the answers to. If and when the time comes when Rey did ask that question, how the hell would I answer it?

"Rey, both of us came from the same person – cloned from the same person. People like us are born when bastards like La Flaga and Hibiki decide to play god. We are not born in the conventional sense. We did not come from a mother's womb, like normal people do. We came from an artificial womb, which did not have the warmth of the real one. No mother, no father. That is what we are. Just… artificial humans created to satisfy one's fantasy of an immortal life."

A gentle tug brought me back to the physical world – the physical world in which Rey was still keen to know where babies came from, and the physical world wherein I still did not have a proper answer. I sighed and forced a smile on my face – which, in the normal person's point of view, came out looking quite creepy. "Yes, Rey?"

"I was asking you where babies came from," Rey repeated patiently, as if I were the child in the situation and not him.

"Ah, yes. Babies." Gods. Where the hell was Gilbert or Talia when you needed them?

Rey continued to look expectantly at me.

What do you want, Rey? The truth? Or some fabricated lie? I cannot tell you the truth. Because the truth would be too much for you to bear. I do not want you to live with the knowledge of something as horrible as that. Had it been any other child, I wouldn't have missed a beat in telling them the whole truth about the process of reproduction. I couldn't have had cared less if I scarred them mentally for life. I'd throw in a few innuendos that would surely make them scared of sex for the rest of their god-forsaken lives if I could help it.

But Rey was different.

"Rau…" he whined, a hint of a pout already forming in his lips.

I couldn't tell him the truth.

I smiled apologetically at him – for everything, for not telling him the truth – all the while mentally steeling myself for what was to come. "You see, Rey, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they – er – do something and that results in a baby."

Oh god, oh god, oh god, please, please, PLEASE! let that stupid answer satisfy his weird curiosity! Not that I believed in a god, mind you, but the thought seemed pretty appealing for me and if he answered my prayers, I would gladly acknowledge his presence in my life.

"So… what's that 'something' that they do?" he asked eagerly, apparently glad that our conversation was finally getting somewhere.

No such luck for me.

"Er… that something is… that is… kind of like…" Oh, this is pure torture! This would have been a lot easier if I have heard how parents explained things as…delicate…as this! But sadly, all I ever had for a father figure was a sorry little excuse for an asshole and he died (or rather, I killed him) before he had a chance to tell me where in the blue hell brats came from. Don't ask me where I learned about sex, it might scar you for life. Here's a hint: the military teaches soldiers a lot of things other than how to kill each other.

"Kind of like what?" he asked, big blue eyes even growing even bigger with curiosity at each passing second.

Damn! Can't this damned child give me some time to think? "Kind of like…" I searched my mind for anything even remotely acceptable, then I caught sight of the peaceful scenery of my incredibly well-maintained garden. "...how a bee is attracted to a flower!" I fought the sudden desire to roll my eyes. Great. And I was supposed to be smart. Oh, Rau! You just had to pick that idiotic metaphor!

As expected, Rey had a blank look on his face. "A bee?"

"Yes." Well, what the hell. Better use the analogy for all it's worth. "Imagine the bee as the male, and the flower as the female. When the bee goes inside the flower's petals, pollens stick to its body and those pollens that the bee carries get scattered all around and create more flowers."

Horrid explanation, I know. Excuse me for not having a Ph D in horticulture or in Child Rearing.

"Oh…" Rey replied skeptically. The puzzled expression refused to go away, but he didn't push the subject further. He buttered his roll clumsily, thoughts still probably occupied by the space that is called 'Where Babies Came From'.

I fought the urge to sigh in relief. That was too much. I glanced at him at the corner of my eye as I drank water from my glass. Curiosity got the better of me, so I asked. "That was quite…sudden. Why did you ask about it, anyway?"

For all the headaches it caused me for the past five minutes, I just have to know the reason behind it!

The puzzled expression on Rey's face was quickly replaced by a happy one. "Oh! Gil told me yesterday that Talia's dog had babies! I asked him where Fluffy got her babies and he told me that he was going to give me one if I could guess where they came from." The puzzled expression was back. "But… I still don't get how bees and flowers could produce puppies."

A metal clang resounded in the dining room as my hand lost its hold on the spoon.




Author's Notes: This might have or might have not happened in the universe that the story 'Biography of the Damned' is currently residing in. I was tempted to include this but, I don't think humor has a place in that story.

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