Author's note: characters are JKR's but you already knew that...going to alternate chapters with the wonderful Brick Retarded Weatherman...enjoy/ Never Talk to Strange...cats?

"Ron, I'm only doing it because I really think it could come in handy for Harry's final confrontation with Voldemort. I'm not really sure how, but I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and I feel like it could really do some good. You should really try to help him out some, you know what he is going through right now," lectured Hermione for what seemed to Ron the 9th time before lunch. Hermione had been staying at the Burrow since the beginning of summer. Harry, on the other hand, was back at the Dursley's house, fulfilling his last requirement for the ancient magic to be complete.

"You must be mental. Harry's got so many girls after him right now you would think he's got 6 peckers. Actually, I was at the shop with mum yesterday and while we queued for the register and I overheard someone saying he's actually got four of them and he just lines the girls up and does them all at once…" Ron's face flushed right away; he hadn't meant to mention the wangers. The topic rather embarrassed him ever since Hermione walked in on him modeling in the mirror, and just happened to notice that her big toe was much bigger than his…"manhood".

"Oh my poor, poor Harry," Hermione frowned, " he's been through all hell ever since those incriminating pictures got out. I can't believe that no one understands that they just got a picture of him with his pants caught on the radiator…Honestly, of course that's the reason he was all sweaty and we couldn't see his hands. People these days are just so insufferable that they have to make up stories to make themselves feel better." Hermione couldn't figure out why but she was becoming increasingly uncomfortable talking about this with Ron, after all, they were just like brother and sister.

She soon changed the subject. "But enough of that, we can finish this discussion when I've finished reading Hogwarts: A History. I have just a few more things to work out before I tell Harry the good news."

"You can't be serious Hermione? You must've read that same book forty times by now!"

"Honestly Ronald, can't you keep anything straight? This is my sixty-ninth run-through."

"SIGH," said Ron. Over the summer, Hermione had introduced him to the wonders of the muggle computer. He had taken quite a liking to emoting his feelings in random chatrooms. Consequently, he made sure to spell out exactly how he was feeling at any given time. "HORNY. Oh…damn. Just keep reading."

That summer, Harry had had the unfortunate experience of the wizard paparazzi following him home one day, and later coming back to photograph a slightly indisposed Harry. He was definitely wanking; everyone knew that and even Harry had admitted it to his two best friends. What no one could determine from the picture was who was in the photograph held in Harry's hand. Soon after, it became the topic of many gossip columns across the country. Overnight, Harry had become a porn star, with every perverted teen in the country competing to see who could magick his face onto a shagging male the most proficiently.

Meanwhile, Harry's stay at the Dursley's was less than eventful. Ever since Dumbledore's visit the last year, the Dursleys were fully aware that in a couple of days Harry would be allowed to use magic freely as an adult in the wizarding world. Dumbledore. There was that subject again. Harry had pondered the topic a lot lately being all alone in his room. He felt like he was missing the little part of his conscience that was supposed to sit on his shoulder; the one with the long gray beard and the eyes that twinkled behind the moon-shaped spectacles. We all have one. I know I do.

Another topic he pondered often, if not more often than the former, was the lack of letters. He had received a single letter: the standard letter from Ron inviting him to the Burrow as soon as he was able. The part Harry thought was odd was that there were several capitalized words that seemed fairly out of place in the letter, including, "MINATURE, RANDY, AROUSED, LONELY, and MY HAND IS TIRED." Harry kept going over the phrases in his head. Obviously it had to have been some kind of complicated code so that even if the letter was intercepted the information it contained would be safe. Still, Harry still for the life of him could not bring himself to figure it out.

'Anyways, what has Hermione been up to? She is usually the one who sends letters every day. I hope nothings wrong…She must just be really busy,' Harry thought to himself. He was lacking certain…inspirational materials for his…studies. Suddenly, Harry became very uncomfortable and decided to take a brisk walk.