Disclaimer: Bla bla, everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, even though the 6th book was hijacked and written by bad fanfic writers, anyway... but please enjoy! -- Brick Retarded Weatherman


Cat!Hermione realized she was surrounded by a sea of black…

The black pubic hairs of Harry Potter.

She froze. "No." She thought. "No, no, no. I am not nestled in…"

"That tickles my pubes, cat! Please keep it up!" Harry giggled. He must be joking.

"Only joking, puss." Harry said, attempting to tickle the rigid cat. As Hermione was not moving-- at all-- his fingers accidentally brushed against his turgid wang.

"My, that feels good!" Harry exclaimed. He had just discovered that her fur, in combination with his own tickling, could make for a splendid masturbation.

Luckily, a figurative mandrake roused Hermione from her petrified state. She would not masturbate Harry… at least not as a feline.

She jumped back against his shabby nightstand. Harry prowled towards her… at least, prowled as gracefully as he could with two or three feet of male genitalia in the way.

Unfortunately, Cat!Hermione seemed to find herself right atop the compartment in the floor where Harry had kept nudie pictures of her. Suddenly, the compartment opened-- a trap door! She fell through it, mewling in terror.

Then everything went… purple?

She looked around her. She had landed on all four feet, after all. She appeared to be in a very flamboyant, very purple, very… shaggorific… shagpad.

The-Boy-Who-Lived really had a thing for purple furs. The walls were covered in it, instead of a bed there was a pile of it, and on the ceiling was the fur of purple kneazles.

Then realization hit. Harry was not going to perform some bestial act with her… HE WAS GOING TO SKIN HER!

Harry jumped down the shaft, his own shaft jiggling quite happily to be in its favorite spot. At least, its favorite spot besides Aunt Petunia's vacuum cleaner.

He was brandishing a skinning knife quite threateningly. Hermione had to make a decision. Stay a cat, be skinned alive, and… die. Or, become her human self again, embarrass Harry to the point that he might die, and… die.

Or maybe she could just make a run for it.

Jumping atop Harry's raven locks, Hermione scrambled to reach the trap door leading to her freedom. Unfortunately, her heavy, curly cat fur was just weighing her down. Hermione immediately started calculating her feline velocity with the circumference of the…

"Hey you! What are you doing?" Harry yelped, his penis becoming flaccid as the cat clawed his eyes out.

Hermione went flying across the room. She looked up. Hedwig had escaped from her cage, and had come to rescue her! Cat!Hermione purred happily, as Hedwig's talons dug into her sumptuous tawny fur. Hermione would get out of this one!

And then Hedwig dropped her into a cauldron.

"Oookay." Hermione thought. "Not what I was hoping for…"

Harry stumbled over, as his purple poker sprung back to life. He lifted the knife, ready to spear…!

"NO!" Hermione shouted, as she transformed back into a human. Harry dropped the knife and stumbled back.

Somehow Hermione had neglected to wear clothes when she had transformed. "That's funny." She mused. "I could have sworn I was wearing my new sweater…"

But no matter. Hermione was naked, stuffed in a cauldron, in an also naked Harry's purple shagpad.

What are the odds.

Harry looked shocked. His penis looked hard. His ass looked sweaty.

"Uh… Hermione?" He asked hesitatingly.

"Holy Shit, Harry! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Harry looked chagrined. Hermione never swore. He had just made Hermione swear. And he was guessing by her beet red face, five foot tall hair, and gnashing teeth, that she wasn't very happy with him.

"Hermione... I… I'm sorry. I just…" He took a deep breath. "I really, truly…"

Hermione suddenly looked nervous. "Harry... I'm sorry… I love you, but as a brother…"

Harry looked up, surprised. "Love? I was going to say I really wanted to shag you."

At this, Hermione jumped out of the cramped cauldron and lunged for his jugular-- apparently her Animagus cat form's instincts were still present. Just as her teeth were about to pierce his pallid flesh, she jerked awake.

Jerked awake?!

Hermione realized with a start she had been dreaming. Cracking yellow eyes opened, she saw that she was still in cat form, but had been knocked unconscious after having hacked up a fur ball the size of a hamster. Feeling quite guilty, Hermione remembered that she had actually eaten Ginny's pet hamster, Blumpkins, before her journey… in cat form, of course.

Looking around, Hermione saw Harry coming towards her, his naked form still graced with ties. He even had some ties patterned with drills on now.

Hermione had not forgotten what Dream!Harry had done. She lunged for his inner thigh and bit hard.

"BLOODY HELL!" Harry shouted.

Hermione, feeling angry, frustrated, and sexually repressed, jumped out of the window, and prowled off into some bushes.

Harry sobbed at his loss. He had no idea what he had done to offend the fair feline. Surely his strip dance couldn't have chased her off?

Feeling forlorn at his Hermione!Replacement's departure, he threw himself upon the bed and began to cry profusely. Hedwig rolled her eyes in her cage-- she didn't think she could take more crying this summer. Harry always seemed to mope after he stripped using Uncle Vernon's ties. Why didn't he think to use Dudley's sometimes?

Harry slipped out his most prized picture… a picture of Hermione, in their third year, covertly picking her nose.

"I love you, Hermione." Harry whispered, before turning over and falling into a fitful sleep.


Hello all! This is Brick Retarded Weatherman, a.k.a Shelby. So ,Bonky really wanted me to finish up this chapter... which I did! Please excuse the immense crappiness, grossness, and language of this chapter. I'm sure you will surely enjoy the way, way, WAY betetr chapter Bonky will write next. Hope you enjoyed none the less! Reviews are always welcome! But please refrain from flaming Bonky, as it is somehow not her fault that she's befriended me. I was thrust upon her doorstep when I was but a wee house-elf... she has no choice but to put up with me. Thanks again for your time!