Disclaimer: If I owned Stargate Atlantis, Colonel John Sheppard's uniform would consist of a camo-spedo and a P-90, Rodney McKay would loose ten pounds, Lt. Ford would miraculously recover from his enzyme addiction, Teyla would… be the same, Dr. Zelenka would lay the smack-down on Kavanagh, and Carson Beckett would be my naughty love muppet.
A/N: This is obviously an AU fic with an original character. If that bothers you, well… Bite me.
1. The act of annoying or the state of being annoyed.
2. A cause of irritation or vexation; a nuisance.
3. Dr. William Kavanagh
Due to the disturbingly high mortality rate of both scientists and military personnel on the Atlantis expedition new recruits were sent along with the Daedalus whenever they set out to resupply the Atlantians. Taking shameless advantage of the situation in typical McKay fashion, Rodney has whined, requisitioned, begged, pleaded, and generally made everyone around him miserable until he got what he wanted. Her name was Dr. Megan Steele, and he didn't care what it took to bribe her to the Pegasus Galaxy, because she was ranked third in her chosen fields of expertise and he wanted her there. When the official okay came through he did a bit of smug crowing and happily bounced his way to the labs.
Dr. Steele wasn't the most recognized or highly decorated member of Stargate Command, but it was a well-known secret in the Archeology, Anthropology, & Linguistics Department that she was Dr. Jackson's unofficial second in command. If not for her, it would be safe to assume that not only would the poor man go into caffeine withdrawal without her to refill his 'hidden' coffee stash, and that more likely than not, his office would overflow into the hallway and eventually take over the mountain. She was known to forcefully evict the archeologist from his office and send him to bed when she thought he had progressed from 'looking like crap' to 'looking like death warmed over'. While she was good friends with Dr. Jackson and went to see a play or two with him, she knew his team only in passing. She did, however, appreciate the occasional boxes of chocolate covered cherries and gift cards for CD Depot that Colonel (and later General) O'Neill left on her desk with a note thanking her for 'looking out for our resident spacemonkey'.
Since she was of sound mind and body, she was – unsurprisingly – assigned to an SG team. Being a member of SG-16 may never have been as constantly perilous as being a member of SG-1, but she and the others had dealt with their fair share of weird shit. Major Lorne, Lt. Sanchez, and Lt. Nelson had been forcefully stripped naked by the natives and made to do the 'Harvest of Plenty' dance on P2X-989. Megan made sure to make a video recording for use as blackmail material. Sgt. Siler was convinced to make copies and help her smuggle them out with the promise of fresh baked cookies.
The darker side of the job had made itself known when she, at one point, had been taken as a Goa'uld host. Fortunately, that had happened just before the defeat of the Goa'uld, and the Tok'ra had been able to remove the creature. To her dismay, the very man who saved her was mortally wounded in a tunnel collapse and a new host had yet to be found. Her choice to become a willing host was no more surprising than Jaren's decision to stay on earth and help work with the SGC. To say the Tok'ra High Council was unhappy would be an understatement. When General O'Neill asked her how she felt about the situation she had shrugged her shoulders and smiled mischievously, "It's like being married, only without the kinky sex part. But don't worry sir, I'm sure we'll find someone to help with that…"
Two days later she found a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs on her desk. Three days after that a whip and studded leather collar had mysteriously made their way onto the General's desk just before a meeting with Major Paul Davis.
When Megan received the invitation to join the Atlantis crew more than one person warned her that it would mean working with her 'arch- nemesis' (meaning ex-teammate) Major Lorne and the rest of his team. She had winked and told them that it was about time they had a team reunion. After all, with the recent death of her mother the closest thing she had to family was light-years away fighting the life-sucking boogey-men. The least she could do was help. Besides, Jaren was looking forward to a bit of adventure…
Dr. Megan Steele was not a happy camper. She was usually a very bubbly, outgoing kind of person. She had come in with the latest shipment of personnel on the Daedalus, and wasn't even on base three hours before she was sent off-world with a survey team to examine the ruins of an Ancient laboratory that Major Lorne's team termed 'interesting'. Jaren was busy helping her fight off some kind of bacterial infection she had picked up on her first day on the planet, and was a bit anti-social and irritable as a result. Why was she even there? She was an archeologist and linguist, not a Goddamned rocket scientist. Unfortunately she had a very strong natural ATA gene, which for some reason led Dr. Kavanagh to believe that she was his personal 'touch this' monkey minion.
Lorne and his men had taken great pleasure in laughing in her face and making sure to tell her just how grateful they were that their 'inferior' genes came from Doc Beckett. If she ever met the man, Megan wasn't so sure she would be able to keep herself from hurting him. Then again, word had it that he only developed the treatment so that the eager scientists would stop trying to 'kidnap' him to activate shit for them. Maybe he had the right idea…
Fortunately they were on the last day of their two-week fieldtrip and were starting to pack everything up. Dr. Kavanagh, however, was whining and kicking up a fuss about how he and the others needed 'more time to methodically analyze' the equipment that was too cumbersome to take back with them through the stargate. Megan had had enough.
"Now you listen here you weasel-faced, arrogant ass…" she got right up in his face, "I don't care if the flashing shit-box turns the sky green. We are scheduled to go home today. I am sleep deprived, dirty, smelly, and cranky. I have menstrual cramps so bad all I want to do is curl up in a tiny ball of misery and die. I have been more than patient with your 'touch this' 'touch that' 'Oops it shouldn't have done that' crap. I haven't brushed my hair yet this morning, someone swiped my Snickers bar, and I am down to my last fucking maxi pad. Pack your shit up so we can leave, or so help me I will remove that which makes you male. Understood?"
So what if he had a good six inches on her. The self-important scientist paled and nodded meekly, "Yes ma'am." The entire team watched her stomp away in awe. Major Lorne raised a challenging eyebrow at the annoying man. Kavanagh shook his head with wide eyes, "Not on your life. I have sisters." Dr. Simpson rolled her eyes as one or two of the other men winced in agreement.
Radek's eyes glazed over as he stood in place with a smile, "I have on tape," he told the marines, "I will show it to Rodney and Colonel Sheppard. I can die now with happy smile."
Major Lorne snorted and clapped the Czech on the shoulder, "You heard the Lady people, pack it up!"
Okay peoples, this is chapter one, and if you ever want to see chapter two you had better leave me a review. Next time, on As Atlantis Turns:
"What's with the stupid hat?" he asked through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Megan shrugged, "I chewed out that jerk Kavanagh back on planet Dirt Bowl. The marines named me Goddess and made me a crown. Major Lorne promised me two snickers bars if I wore it all day." She reached across the table to steal some of Michael's fries and give him half of her hamburger.
Rodney choked, "You're kidding!"
Megan snorted, "About chocolate? Never."