A Total Write-Off

The bookstore was packed to the brim, the mass of bodies heaving to an ancient rhythm.

"Hey, I picked this up first!"

"You wish bitch, I clearly touched the cover first. Your fat hand just about squashed mine!"

"Well if you two are only going to fight over it, I'll take it."


Never had the little store known such patronage! For not one, but two famous authors had chosen to do their signings there. A scheduling error meant that not only was it the same day, but even at the exact same time!

And what occurred that day went down in author history.

"Come now ladies," Lockhart gave his five-times-winner-of-witches'-weekly smile. "there's no need to shove, there are plenty of books for everyone."

"Come on men, hurry it up here, hurry it up, I know you all want to get out of here as soon as possible!" Jiraya boomed in his ninja-training voice. "Those who can't get to the font don't deserve the books!"

"Ah yes, this book will help you clear out those pesky –"

"- threesomes in the springs! Three hot, young and nubile teenagers explore their sexuality in the steamy water, drawn from -"

"- real life experience. All of my books are taken from my own life. That's how you know it works." Lockhart's smile could have lit corridors, but there was a distinctly unpleasant edge to it.

"Hey." Jiraya was suddenly standing on Lockhart's signing table, his face far too close to Lockhart's for comfort. "Small time weakling. You're scaring all my readers off with your fanatical women."

"And you," Lockhart said, trying to sneer through his camera-ready smile, "are driving away my female readers with your horny men interested only in badly-written smut."

"My books are not badly written!"

"And I am not a small time author."

"I guess there's only one thing for it then," Jiraya narrowed his eyes, the strength that made him one of the three legendary Sanin at his beck and call.

"I suppose you're right." Lockhart replied, the power that had stolen hundreds of memories coursing through his fingers.

"1000 word original story in five minutes?" Jiraya raised an eyebrow.

"Make it three."

"Fine. You ready?" Jiraya growled, his paintbrush in his hand, paper at the ready.

"Whenever you are." Lockhart's grip on his quill and parchment tightened. "May the best author win."

"I plan to."

"Three…two…one…write off!"