Hermione (the Queen of Spades) was sandwiched between Ron (the King of Hearts) and Malfoy (the Jack of Diamonds).

"Come on, you stupid Muggle! CLICK ON THE PILE!" she said.

It seemed that the Muggle playing this insane game had gone to eat dinner. They were stuck for about another hour.

Ron was talking to Lavender (the 7 of clubs sitting above him), so Hermione had time to think (even though Malfoy was shouting "MUDBLOOD!" at her as though his life depended on it).

She was thinking, which ship should she support in this story? Ron/Hermione or Draco/Hermione? She knew many fans would be unhappy with whichever she picked! BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW!

Luckily, while she was thinking, the Muggle came back and started playing. Lavender got put back in the pile. Harry (the Ace of Spades) was taken up to the pile where Moaning Myrtle (the 2 of Spades) was put on top of him.

"OOOHH, Harry, how are you?" she asked, hugging the huge spade on his front.

"I'm…okay….STUPID MUGGLE WHY AM I A FLIPPIN ACE!" he screamed.

Anyway, while Myrtle was hitting on Harry, the cards in the pile were continuing their dispersion.

"Why is the girl telling this story talking like a professor? DISPERSION? WTF?" asked Pansy (the Queen of Clubs).

Hermione decided that she wouldn't go with Ron or Draco.

All of a sudden, Draco/Hermione and Ron/Hermione fans started attacking the writer WITH A RUSTY SPORK! Well, actually lots of them because there are lots of people, but oh well.

Hermione decided that she would go out with the 9 of Diamonds……which was DOBBY!

"I LOVE YOU, 9 OF Diamonds," she said.

Just then scary music plays RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROMANTIC LOVE SCENE! (nope this aint Disney!) The Muggle playing Solitaire clicked on Hermione and put her on top of the King of Diamonds!

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I was having fun with DOBBY! S.P.E.W.! which means Send People to Eat Weird muggles who tear me away from DOBBY, my one, my only, my love!" she screamed.

"It's okay, 'Mione, I won't hurt you," said the King of Diamonds (Fred Weasley).

All of a sudden, Hermione said "ZOMG! FRED I LOVE YOU!" And the King of Diamonds and the Queen of Spades started kissing. Ron, who was on the top of the pile at the time, swore he saw a little tongue.

Anyway, Draco and Lavender were still in the pile. Draco realized that he could START A NEWWWWWWWW SHIP!

"Draco, I love you!" said Lavender.

"Me too!" he said.

They started making out, right in the middle of the Solitaire deck.

And then lots of writers hurried off to write new DRACO/LAVENDER FANFICS!

"So, what are the rules of this strange Muggle game, anyway? CAN I COLLECT ANYTHING?" asked Arthur Weasley, who had magically appeared as the Ace of Hearts.

All of a sudden, Ginny (the 3 of spades) was put on the pile.

"HOW DARE YOU HIT ON MY BOYFRIEND?" she screamed at Myrtle.

Then Harry and Ginny started cuddling. Myrtle tried to sandwich in the middle, the started hitting on Ginny……

"I love you, Ginny," she said.

"Sorry, I don't do slash," Ginny replied, and that was the end of that.

However, there were no more cards left sandwiched in the pile.

The Muggle girl figured out the she had lost this game.

She slowly moved her mouse up to the little X.

Annnnnnnnnnnd the writer of this story, LAUGHING HER HEAD OFF, slowly exits…