A/N: First off - no, I haven't just typed this. I did this ages ago, but just got pursuaded (CPQ - again:p) to put it up. This is a combination of romance and humour. It will never happen. Ever. It is intended to give you a laugh, nothing more. Don't take it seriously. Most of it was written on a sugar high. The pairing is Leo/Karai.
And thanks to my awesom beta-reader - CPQ! Thanks!
Disclaimer: I do not own Ninja Turtles. I am fairly sure that if I did, ratings would plummet. ;-)
Please Let This Be A Joke!
Donatello woke up. His clock read 3:05 AM. He rolled over onto his shell and tried to go back to sleep, but it eluded him. Realizing his mouth was bone dry, he scrambled out of bed and went to the kitchen, deciding to get himself a glass of water. He fumbled for the light switch and turned it on. Through bleary eyes he noticed a folded piece of paper lying on the table. He got himself his water, picked the letter up and read:
Dear Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello and sensei,
I am sorry that I could not tell you this in person. I realize that by doing this, I am betraying your trust and I am dishonering you. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies, and know that I am doing what was meant to be.
Karai and I are – I can scarcely believe it – eloping.
Don spewed his mouthful of water halfway across the kitchen, startling Klunk.
We have been thinking of this for monthes now.
Don was now reading at top speed, hoping that it was all some kind of joke.
Our marriage will take place in Japan, but I am not sure exactly where. We hope that you do not hate us too much, but we were so desperately in love. Please find it in your hearts to forgive us.
Your loving brother and son,
Donatello was now hyperventalating at an alarming rate. The forgotten glass of water fell from his fingers and shattered on the cement floor, spraying the room with tiny glass shards. Klunk hissed and spit.
After reading it over several times, the shocked terrapin realized it was not a joke, and ran into the living room of the lair, screaming at the top of his voice, "GUYS! GET IN HERE!"
Mikey and Raph ran in, looking highly alarmed, followed by Splinter. Don handed his sensei the letter silently. The aged rat took the paper in his hand, reading it slowly and carefully. He blinked in shock, and opened his mouth as if to say something; nothing came out. Raph impatiently snatched the note away and read it swiftly. He gaped.
"What? What?" Mikey demanded, bouncing excitedly.
"Leo and Karai are eloping," was the toneless reply. Raph had a look of pure shock on his face.
"What?" Mikey asked again, confused.
"They eloped." Raph's shock was giving way to sudden fury.
"What's 'eloped' mean?" Mikey asked more insistantly.
"They ran away together!" Don snapped. "To get married!"
"Do you know what this means?" Raph demanded.
"That we should get them a wedding present?" Mikey wondered.
"HE'S GETTING MARRIED TO SHREDDER'S DAUGHTER!" Raph shouted, turning rather red in the face.
The previous day:
Leonardo dangled his legs off the edge of the building. He was waiting for Karai to arrive. His three-fingered hand fondled the small box in his trench coat pocket, and his heart thumped harder beneath his plastron. Was he doing the right thing?
All doubt vanished from his mind when he saw her. She was climbing up from the fire escape on the opposite side of the building. The breeze blew her hair back, exposing her slender neck. She wore a black dress that hugged all her curves perfectly. He was pleased to see that she had left her katana behind. He got up to meet her.
"Leonardo," she purred. Her silken voice slid over him like honey, tripling the desire that wormed inside him. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him on the mouth.
The contact broke the dam holding his desire at bay. His tongue probed searchingly. Karai opened her mouth willingly. Her hands left his shell and caressed his plastron. Leo moaned slightly. Suddenly he pulled away, panting. Gathering his courage, he knelt in front of her and pulled the box from his pocket of his trench coat.
"Will you marry me?" he asked, flipping the lid open. A gold ring set with a sparkling diamond lay inside it. He held his breath. Karai threw herself into his arms, laughing till tears streamed down her cheeks. Leo wondered what he head done wrong, but then she whispered, "Of course!" before kissing him once again, passionately.
Raphael paced up and down, grumbling angrily under his breath. Don was on the phone to April, explaining what had happened.
"I can't believe that guy!" Raph yelled. "When he get's back, I'm gonna –" he stopped, fantasizing of various ways to murder Leo, a misty expression on his face. Don rolled his eyes and returned to his phone conversation.
"Okay, bye." He hung up. "April says that she's coming down now."
Mikey was watching TV.
"What are we going to do when they come back?" he asked. "They'll have to share a room – and Karai'll spar with us! She'll totally whoop our butts!" he groaned and put his head in his hands. "And what'll the kids look like?" he continued, his voice slightly muffled. "Cross-breeding's not a good thing, you know. Like a tigon or a liger! They'll have a – a – tumon, or a, hurtle!" he blinked. "That's kinda cool."
"Calm down, Mike," Don said while wringing his hands. He had already worn a smooth spot on his Bo staff.
"Yeah, they won't get no chance to have kids," Raph snapped. "Cause I'll kill 'em both the moment they get back!"
He threw one of his sai's against the wall to demonstrate.
April and Casey appeared soon after. Casey was in shock, but April was actually happy.
"Well, it's obvious they love each other," she said reasonably. "If they're happy, then that's all that counts." Raph did not share her feelings on the subject, and had taken to demolishing the punching bag, which had a crudely drawn sketch of Leo's head taped to it.
A week passed. April arrived one morning, carrying an envelope. Inside was a postcard featuring a Japanese pagoda, and a clutch of photographs. They all showed Leo and Karai holding hands and kissing. Don read the postcard out loud.
"Dear family," he read. "We are finally married! I cannot describe how elated I am feeling at present. Japan is beautiful. The cherry tree blossoms match Karai's eyes perfectly; here is a poem I have written to her:
Cherry blossoms in your hair,
So sweet in fragrance,
Caressing your cheek,'
You are so beautiful,
I think I might die,
For you are my bride.
Raph was now banging his head against the wall, trying to block the verses of apalling poetry from his ears. Don continued grimly:
"Karai loves poetry. I hope she likes this poem.
"What the f--- is he talking about!" Raph screamed. "She's drugged him or summat!"
"At least he's happy," said April determinedly.
"He's insane!" Mikey squeaked.
"I must meditate on this," Master Splinter said. He walked jerkily to his chambers. They could see his silhouette thumping his head against the wall.
"Leo's made Splinter go off his rocker!" Raph snarled. He snatched one of the pictures and used it to replace the badly damaged one of Leo. He then proceeded to attack it. Mikey was staring mutely at the blank TV screen, eyes glazed.
"We have to do something," decided Don.
"Ahoy Captain Obvious!" Raph snapped muscles bunching in pent-up anger as he gave the bag a resounding thwack.
"You should just leave him," April argued. "He's happy, isn't he?"
"Who the shell cares if he's happy?" Raph demanded. "He's gonna be dead when I'm through with him."
April sniffed, but did not retaliate.
Several more weeks passed. They received more letters and postcards, and more disgusting pictures. Raphael exited the room whenever these showed up, and had developed a ferocious eye twitch that Mikey insisted needed to be looked at. Don had huge bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and Mikey could not even bring himself to watch TV anymore. The world, in short, had turned upside down.
"Dude, are you getting enough sleep?" Mikey asked his purple-clad brother one morning. Don had succeeded in spilling coffee all down the counter. He did not even seem to notice when the scalding liquid flowed in waves along the floor, lapping at his feet like a miniature ocean.
"Hmm?" he raised his chipped lavender mug to his lips and gulped it down.
"Are. You. Getting. Enough. Sleep?" Mikey asked slowly and clearly. But Don was apparently preoccupied, staring absently at the wall, humming at tune to him self.
"Dude, go to bed," Mikey commanded.
"Bed?" Don giggled. "I sleep in a hammock."
"Okay, that's it." Mikey got up and propelled his brother forcefully to the door. "I'm taking you to bed myself."
"To bed? You and me?" Don began to giggle helplessly. Mikey looked aghast.
"No way, dude! I'm making sure you get enough sleep! You're exhausted." Mikey firmly led his brother to his room and pushed him into the hommock. "Sleep." Don mumbled something sleepily and dozed off immediantly.
"I think the stress is getting to him," Mikey told Raph that afternoon. "He doesn't look like he's slept in weeks."
"Who can blame him?" Raph grunted muscles flexing as he readied to begin a kata. "Leo and Karai… alone in Japan…" he shuddered.
Splinter was mediatating for most of his time. When he did appear, his face was tired, and his whiskers drooped. His fur was dirty and uncombed, with huge chunks matted together in places. His tail dragged on the ground, and his usually bright, intellegant eyes were dull and lifeless.
"I will kill Leo," Raph vowed furiously. "Splinter's not been right since he left!"
Leonardo was seated on a hilltop. A breeze ruffled his bandanna. He fingered the wrought gold ring on his finger smiling slightly. Suddenly a cry was heard; Karai came hurtling up the hill. She was screaming. At first Leo thought she was hurt, and scrambled to his feet, but following his wife was none other than the Shredder. He was dressed as Oroku Saki, but his usually hard face was smiling.
"Ah, so this is my son-in-law," he said. Leo tensed. Was this some kind of trick?
"It's all right!" Karai explained. "He approves! He's given us his blessing!" Leo could not believe his ears.
"R – really?" he stammered. He had expected the Shredder to cut them both ribbons, not him to approve!
"I have come to wish you both a very happy life. It was wrong of me to keep you apart for so long. I apologize." He pulled his shirt open to reveal himself for what he really was – an utrom. It smiled, its little pointed teeth glinting in the sun.
"Um, well, th–thank you," Leo stammered, rather taken aback.
"Please – call me dad," the utrom begged. Leo grinned.
Back in the Lair…
A bulging envelope arrived that day. Don tipped it gingerly onto the coffee table. There was a letter and a clutch of photographs. Don picked up the letter.
You will never guess what happened today; the Shredder – the Shredder we have all fought and nearly died at the hands of – has given Karai and I his blessing. He is staying for a short time with us, to let us get to know him.
I hope we will be coming home soon,
"So let me get this straight," Raphael said, his voice quivering in pent-up rage. "Shredder is with Leonardo, and he isn't trying to rip him to bits?"
"So it seems," Don said grimly. He studied the pictures of Shredder, samwiched between Leo and Karai, grinning all over his little red utrom face. Don could practically feel the sap oozing out of the photographs and onto his fingers. He stuffed it back into the envelope. Raph's eye started to twitch, and Don decided it would be a good idea to leave. He fled the room just as Raph attacked the coffee table, bellowing obscties at the top of his voice.
"I'm starting to get worried," Don confided in Mikey later that day.
"Yeah, that's our fifth coffee table this week." Mikey replied, sweeping wood chips into a dustpan.
"No, I mean that Leo said in his letter that he hopes they're coming home soon. What'll we do? And the Shredder is supposedly okay with the whole thing…" the two brothers shuddered in unison at the very thought.
"We could just see how it goes," Mikey suggested as he emptied his dustpan into the bin Don held for him. "He might actually be okay." He snorted. "As if."
"We need to do something," Don muttered. "Something to put a stop to it all."
The next day Don received an email.
We are coming home! Oroku Saki is not coming with us, unfortunately, but Karai and I will be! I am so excited. Hopefully we shall arive around noon tomorrow. See you soon,
"That is it!" Don growled, shoving himself away from his desk so forcefully that the modem wobbled. The enraged turtle stalked out into the living room with a face like thunder. Mikey, who was watching Klunk chase a spider, looked up in surprise at his usually calm and collected brother who was now stomping up to him looking murderous.
"Karai and Leo are coming home," he spat. "Tomorrow."
Mikey's jaw dropped.
"Again I pose the question; WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?" Don yelled.
"Yo, Mike, shut yer mouth before a bird nests in it," Raph smirked as he strolled in. Mikey closed his mouth.
"Karai and Leo are coming home tomorrow!" Don sputtered, unable to contain his rage. Raph's eyeridges snapped together.
"Is that so?" he asked, an evil grin spreading across his face. "Well I guess we'll need to prepare a welcome party, then, eh?" Don grinned, cottoning on.
"Of course, Master Splinter will want to join in," Don replied casually. "He wouldn't want to miss such an important event."
"I like the way yout think, bro," Raph winked at his younger sibling. Mike's head was snapping from side to side as if he was watching a tennis match.
Don and Raph started toward Splinter's quarters, followed by Mikey. They tapped on the door.
"Come in," Splinter called in a hoarse voice.
"Leo and Karai are coming home tomorrow," Don announced as he and his brothers entered the chamber. "We have an idea to help welcome them home. Do you want to join in?"
The next day, just outside the lair:
"Do you really think they'll like me?" Karai asked, batting her eyelashes at her new husband. They were fast approaching the lair, and they slowed down now, their suitcases scraping against the pavement.
"Of course," Leo replied huskily. His blue eyes gazed into hers. He tightened his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. He let his suitcase fall to the floor. "They'll love you." He stopped, bent down and kissed her, and her arms wrapped around his well-muscled neck.
"I don't know," she murmured, breaking away and considering him. Her head was cocked to one side, thinking. "We've fought so many times before. Are you sure they will be able to overcome that?"
"I'm sure they will," Leo said. "They are not unreasonable, after all." He kissed her again. "I love you."
"I love you too, Leonardo," she whispered, catching his lips with her own once more.
They had now arrived at the large door to the lair. Leonardo took a deep breath, before bowing to Karai and kissing her hand. "Shall we?"
Inside the lair:
"Okay, guys," muttered Don, eyeing his laptop. On the screen, the view from a nearby video camera desplayed a sickening picture of Leo courtiously bowing and kissing Karai's hand. "They're coming."
On the screen, Leo was just typing in the combination to open the lair's door.
"Are you sure we gotta do this?" Mikey whined, his twin nunchaku's out and twirling.
"Yes, we do," snarled Raph. His own twin sai's were crossed in a defensive 'x' over his plastron and a defiant sneer was plastered on his face. Splinter stood with his walking stick raised slightly, and nodded in asset to Raphael's words. Mikey sighed and turned back to the door.
"One…" Don whispered, his voice taught with anticipation. His bo staff was tapping impatiently on the floor, eager for action. The picture on the screen was now showing Karai and Leo picking up their fallen suitcases and facing the door. "Two…" The door opened a crack and began to rise into the air. "Three!"
A/N: Yes. Barbaric. I like to think that Leo's brothers would merely pound some sense into him and Karai, not kill them literally, but you as the readersmay make up your own ending.Like I said, it would never in a million years happen. And just in case you were wondering... that poetry Leo sent? It's not even worthy of the title 'poetry'. I believe Leo would be one of the more poetic of hisbrothers. That was just for fun. And no, it wasn't my sincere attempt at it. I was trying to make it stupid, don't worry! O.o (Scurries off to do more on Hidden Truth)