"Don't tell me…" He placed his keys on the side and looked over to where I was sat on the window sill. "…she didn't show" he didn't need me to answer he could tell by the mess that was my living room that she hadn't. The place was littered with bottles. The place was a mess. I looked from him down into my black coffee –"Shit Sara… you can't keep going on like this" he shook his head, and then walked off into the kitchen. I looked over to where he was – reaching into my fridge – getting some water.
Moving my head to the side I rested it on the glass looking over the world below me. People moving around – everything in their lives seeming so god damn simple – I mean why couldn't that be me? All I want is for it to be simple, the fall in love, live happily ever after type. Is it too much to ask? I mean, I've fell in love but I'm no where near the happy ever after – and honestly don't think I'll ever be there. I stand up, just as Rich gets back to looking at me; he's now lent against the kitchen counter. I can't even look at him, I'm too embarrassed, to aware of just how stupid I am thinking that she'd ever put me before him. I knew he was about to say something, and I really didn't want to hear it. "Leave it" I tell him, "Just leave it … I'm going to get a shower" I threw my mug on the side and walked. Not before seeing him shaking his head –
I knew why he was doing it, because he was pissed off – that I was letting this happen. I was so hurt by her, he could see it – and he also saw what she was putting my through. What's funny is how much I love her though – even now after what she's done to me I still worry. I'm worried that maybe he'd lost it and hit her again – that maybe this time he'd gone too far – maybe she was hurt. Slamming the bathroom door I tried to push it all away. Tried to forget about it –
- Forget about it! Yeah…right.
Even now after my shower all I can feel is anger. Sure, I understood I was the bit on the side. Sure, I was always second but I'd needed her last night. Hell, if she couldn't show why didn't she just call me- call and let me know god damn it! I'm stood in the steam filled room looking into the mirror.
I look rough; the lack of sleep and alcohol was taking its toll. She was honestly a mess – but she honestly didn't give a shit. I'd changed into a clean pair of jeans and a white tank top. Making me feel a little better – though not fully. I turned on the mirror, no longer wanting to pity the woman I'd become – no longer able to look at the sad state I now was.
There was a time that I'd never have let myself be second best, a time where I had more respect for myself – a time that I didn't feel like I do now. Maybe Rich was right, maybe what had happened back home had hurt me more than I'd known, or let myself know. We'd all been so close, the group of us and it hurt – when she cheated on me it had hurt so I left because it's all I could do. I left Frisco and came to Vegas – I'd run away. That broke the group up. Rich and Bobby came with me – they'd seen me through everything. They were my family … and I know they aren't happy with how I was handling my life but hell I'm the first to admit I'm stubborn.
I left the bathroom and padded my way through the apartment, my bare feet pulling my jeans across the floor. I wasn't in the mood for breakfast, or for talking with Rich but I knew that I needed to get some water and aspirin – the headache I fully deserved was taking hold.
"Your kidding me?" I hared Bobby. I mean, hell – I've been in the shower what half an hour and he's here – I should have known he'd show up for breakfast before work.
"Nope, she never showed." There was Rich. I stood against the hall way wall listening to the two of them. If wasn't often I got to eavesdrop – but I'm hoping I'll find out what the really think about Catherine and what they think about me.
"God damn it…that woman don't know what she's going to lose if she don't sort this out" Bobby ranted. I can only assume that he's talking about Catherine because I couldn't lose more than I have. My respect, my heart, my sanity – I've nothing left to offer Catherine.
"That's the thing – I don't think she will lose her…Sara's not going to give this up. She'll let her do anything, hell Catherine's walking all over her"
That was it, the realization at just how low I have fallen. Is it true, will I let Catherine do anything to me? How much am I really willing to take. I shake my head not caring about the head ach or the water I was once needing to get I turned around and quietly made my way back to my bed room.
And that's where I curled up on top of my bed, my back facing the wall – I closed my eyes. Hugging to a chest my pillow though I refused to cry – I refused to do that. I honestly don't know why I'm so upset – she just didn't show up, its not like she hadn't done it before. I think it is because I was about to open up fully to her, that's why its hit me so hard. I just allowed sleep to over come me which wasn't hard as I hadn't closed my eyes all night.
"You going to work?"
"Yup" I nodded though never turned to face him. I'd slept away the day and got up not long ago one enough time to get to work – I didn't feel like talking and defiantly didn't feel like doing this touchy feely crap I knew he was about to start. I reached for the bottle of water I'd half drunk and took the second pill that I hoped would help my pounding head. "Don't know what time I'll finish tonight"
"Is she working?" He asked after a moments break. Then silence fell between us – he was waiting for me to say something and I was trying to avoid talking about it. He caved first and spoke again, "Well, is she?"
"Probably… she's a stripped so she'll be stripping." I spat. Drinking the water again and turning to face him. He was lent over the counter his head rested on his hands. "And I'll be watching wondering why it is I love her…"
"No… I really don't want to do this now…just leave it"
He took the advice, but only for a mere moment, then he spoke again – "She called"
"I know…I hared the phone go…she rang my cell to"
"You didn't answer" He stated, not as an accusation just out of interest and I knew that he wanted me to elaborate.
I shook my head, "I don't want to talk this out again with her. She was with her husband probably doing a lot more than eating and I really don't want to think about it…so…I don't want to talk to her!" I explained swiftly as I took my keys of the side, "Do the caring brother bit later…I can't do this now" and with that I headed towards the door.
The bar buzzed with people as the Smokey room continued to fill. I was serving one of the many people that lined the bar when I saw her. She entered in from one of the side doors that led from the dressing rooms – and instantly she began to walk over to me. I was actually happy to have demands of orders thrown across to occupy me – not really wanting to talk about this with her now – the busy bar was my way of escaping.
"Can… we talk!" She called over the noise.
I looked quickly to my side, "I'm busy" I explained casually as if she'd done nothing wrong, as if I wasn't hurting.
"Sara…" She attempted but I took another order from the guy to my left. A guy not much older than me, unshaven in an attractive kind of way – reminded me of the first guy I ever loved – the first and the last… reminded me of happiness…of simple times. A false happiness that was easy. Just reminded me of how hard real happiness was to find, and to grab hold of…
…just how hard been with Catherine was. I looked across to where she was stood when I got his beer – and locked eyes with hers for a moment. I finished serving the man then turned and walked over to her. "I can't talk now!"
"I know… I… I'm sorry"
I just shook my head –
I looked to my hands – then she broke the silence that I had allowed fill the gap. "I tried calling today…"
"You didn't answer"
I nodded my head, "I know…"
"Don't do this" She pleaded.
"Shut me out…"
"Look… we're down staff…I need to work." I cut her off. She was getting angry.
"Fine…" She shot, "Do your job"
I looked at her for a few moments, I could see my own sadness reflected in her eyes.
"Sevice?" That cut into my thoughts.
I looked to the guy at my left – less good looking than the last – more creepy however. "Sorry…what can I …err…get for you?" As he reeled off his order she walked away, though I'm sure not as hurt as she'd left me. I just wanted to make this simple –
Just me and her…
But I saw in that moment that it would never be her, or me, or simple.
It would just hurt!