Based on characters from Knights of the Old Republic II. I have had this beta-ed now and have made a few minor changes.

Confessions of a Fool

There she goes again after another friendly game of pazaak and a little conversation. That's all we ever do, never going beyond the realm of friendship when I crave more, need more. But who am I to ask for it? I am nothing, undeserving of anything else from her. All I'm fit to do is follow her and keep her from harm. Maybe the old hag was right; I am a fool … a fool for falling for her.

All I can think about is her. What it would be like if things were different, if it was possible for us to be together? But things aren't different; she's a Jedi and I'm a Jedi killer, and when she learns that our banter will end and I will have nothing. I thought it would be enough just to talk, but I was wrong; the longer I am with her the more I desire her, like she has some invisible pull on me drawing me ever deeper. I should have left when I had the chance, but even then the pull was too much for me to resist.

Now I must be constantly tormented by being this close to her, but with the knowledge that I can never have her. If I was Jedi I'd probably say that the Force was playing some cruel joke on me.

I don't even understand the effect she has on me; she's a Jedi, I'm not supposed to like her, let alone want her. Yet I'm almost beside myself trying to please her and earn more of her attention. I've even become jealous of the pretty boy, Disciple, which makes no sense; how can this woman, this Jedi make me feel this way? It's not like she promotes this kind of behavior, on the contrary, she dissuades it. Probably I just want what I can't have.

There are times when I just want to tell her the truth about me, to see how she reacts, but I can't. How can I possibly go up to her and say, "Yeah, did you know I used to kill Jedi like you"? I can picture the disgust on her face after hearing that; I'd probably be left at the next port, if I wasn't pushed out the airlock at the first chance she had.

When did this happen? What caused me to become this enamored?

It couldn't have been on Peragus. Granted it had been awhile since I'd seen a woman who wielded a vibrosword as well as she did … and looked good doing it; but that was nothing more than lust. And since I found out she was a Jedi, I knew there was no chance that freighter would fly. No, it had to be more recent than that … but before pretty boy came along.

Between Telos and Nar Shaddaa, that's when it happened; when I finally learned what she was up against. She was the last of the Jedi with a minimal connection to the Force and had sentients on every port trying to kill her. It was her bravery, and that knowledge deep down that she was vulnerable and in need of protection; that was what attracted me to her. And I have to give her credit for putting up with that schutta of a Master; I'd've spaced her at the first chance I'd had.

She's like me in many ways. We've both seen war, seen what it can do to worlds; and we both try to escape our past. We've also both been affected by war; she was a hero who lost her power and was exiled for doing what she believed was right, and I became a murderer who enjoyed breaking his enemies, but became exiled when I no longer fit into the life I had created. Perhaps we are two lost souls brought together to be made whole again. …

Of course not. That would be too much of a coincidence.

There she goes again, not knowing of the feelings I have for her; while for the best, it creates a hurt that is impossible to heal. But I'll continue to admire her from afar and wish that she could always be here with me, playing pazaak.