Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter or Dr. Seuss.
A/N: This story was inspired by a poem I wrote to get over my fear of Dr. Seuss. It didn't work, but I hoped it would be good for a laugh. A special thank you to Megan, please don't kill me.
Remus glanced worriedly at Sirius. This morning at breakfast, Remus had commented on how easy today's Muggle Studies class would be, just do a short presentation and laugh as the rest of your classmates made fools of each other. Every student needed to present a famous Muggle Author. This involved reading at least three of their books and writing a short report. It had been cake, especially as they had been given five weeks to complete it.
Of course, Sirius looked up from his toast and eggs with a questioning look on his face.
"It's presentation day, Sirius. You know, for the book report." Remus prompted him.
"What book report?" Sirius asked, oblivious.
"The two-hundred point book report, Sirius! The one about the Muggle authors!" Remus elaborated, panic edging into his voice.
James snickered. "Wow Padfoot, I'm not even in that class and I knew about the assignment. I'll come to your funeral after Professor Kane murders you."
Sirius dropped his fork with a clatter. "How much time do I have, Remus?"
Sirius groaned, beat his forehead against the table before looking up, his face a picture of triumph. "Never fear Remus, I have a plan!" And with that, Sirius bolted from the Great Hall, knocking over two first years in the process.
James shook his head. "Moron." he muttered before helping himself to another serving of potatoes.
That had happened only eighteen minutes, fifteen seconds ago, and yet, here sat Sirius, confidently chatting with some seventeen year old girl who had failed the course several times.
Dear God, Remus thought. Please let me get through this in one piece. Please don't let his plan involve bodily harm, to me or any other student. Please, please let me keep my sanity. Please...
Remus's prayer was cut short by the sound of Professor Kane calling the class to order. She did this by banging a Muggle gravel against her desk. No one had ever accused her of not being completely dedicated to her subject.
"Today, as you are all aware, is the day that you will be presenting your authors. Remember to state your author's name before the start of the presentation. We will be presenting in alphabetical order, which means, Mr. Black, that you are first."
Sirius confidently strode up to the podium which Kane had conjured out of thin air. He ruffled his papers, cleared his throat and lifted his head to look at the audience. Winking an Remus, he began his presentation.
"My fellow Hogwarts students," he began, obviously stalling. "When I was given this assignment, I decided to look on it as a great challenge. I then began searching for a Muggle author who would not only be unknown to most wizards, but would provided me with a higher level of reading, something really and truly intellectual. I chose to read not three, but five books by one of the most famous Muggle doctors of all time, Dr. Seuss.'
"Dr. Seuss's books were distinguishable by many things. First of all, he liked to speak in metaphors, using things like grinches, imaginary birds, and cats to represent the greater problems of Muggle society such cruelty, laziness, and temptation, respectively." At this Remuslet his headfall onto the desktop, hopeing he would be knocked unconsious before he would have to listen to therest of thepresentation. Sirius continued. "Second of all, he liked to illustrate these metaphors by colorful and bold pictures, most of which he drew himself. Thirdly, the good doctor liked to speak in rhyme."
It was at this point when Sirius started to pace. Drama Queen. Remus thought to himself.
"While these books were very well written, I found them to be slightly below my intellectual level. I was highly disappointed by the characters two-dimensionality in How the Grinch Stole Christmas and was dismayed at the treatment of Thing One and Thing Two in The Cat in the Hat. As such, I think that you will find that the rest of my presentation will be showing the faults of this famed Muggle Author. Also, in keeping with Dr. Suess's preferred method of writing, rhyme and rhythm, I decided finish the presentation with a little poem that I wrote."
Sirius cleared his throat again and most of the girls swooned at the mention of Sirius reading poetry.
"I call my poem, 'A Slightly Grim Tribute to Our Favorite Doctor.'"
"I am afraid of Dr. Seuss.
He makes me want to buy a noose.
And put said noose around my head.
Until I turn from blue to red.
I am afraid of Dr. Seuss.
I think his fans are all obtuse.
Those fans are nuts. And I know how?
They once beat shrinks up with a trowel.
I am afraid of Dr. Seuss,
much more than elves or rats or moose,
Or even goats. It's sad to say,
Goats win over him any day.
I am afraid of Dr. Seuss.
I think he had a few screws loose.
But now that he's taught me how to rhyme,
I'm stuck talking like this all the time."
Sirius took a great bow and made his way back to his seat. Professor Kane stood up. Remus groaned, this was not going to be good.
"Sirius Black, I am..." she paused, looking for the right word. Remus waited for her ears to start to glow red as she was prone to do when angry. "...Delighted that you shared that brilliant presentation with us. Excellent. Amazing. The way you portrayed your author, the was you challenged yourself with his advanced writing style. Your poem... Full marks! Bonus even! I've never had such a performance. Thirty points to Gryffindor!"
Sirius looked at Remus and smirked.
"I don't know how you pulled it off." Remus said, his voice containing both amazement and irritation.
"Oh ye of little faith." Sirius replied, smirking before starting an essay that was due next period.